Why am I always the other woman

[Pomped]

Can I start by saying I’m in a hugely sad and vulnerable place so if you read this and your reaction is to tell me I’m a vile human being / wannabe homewrecker then it’s nothing I haven’t already felt about myself.

I find myself in a third consecutive relationship (over a 5 year period) where I am the ‘other woman’ to a married man. The pattern keeps repeating itself. The relationships have been of varying lengths (the longest over 2 years and nearly broke me) each time ending in stalemate and a civil relationship with the man. Both men are still vaguely in my social circle but I have no feelings for them any longer.

my own long term relationship (proper! Not affair!) ended several years ago as we ended up more as companions. But there was some overlap with affair no 1 and no 2. Affair partner no 2 was a big part of my relationship breaking down, although I didn’t recognise that at the time.

I now find myself 4 months into a deja vu situation. This man, as have the others, is older, claims his marriage is over (and as a first there are no children involved which I suppose has given me hope). We have had an extremely intense 4 months and I have fallen head over heels. It has genuinely felt like a soulmate situation. He has told me that we will be together but he can’t give a timescale. He’s never going to leave, is he? Over recent days and weeks I’m finding myself more and more frustrated and embarrassed that here I am again, allowing myself to be a bit on the side. Knowing he has social plans with his wife at the weekend and holidays planned. I feel depressed and demoralised. I know I should end this but why do I keep falling in to these traps??? And why am I never ever good enough as the initial promise of me?

Thank you to anyone who has read this ramble.

You are doing fine OP. Just a little check on guilt. Guilt is not a bad thing, it distances you from what you have done and gives you agency. You are not happy about something that you did and you take responsibility for it, distancing yourself from the situation and fixing it. Guilt will drive you to freedom. What is wrong is shame when your very being, your identity is the thing you did. This does not work. Reject shame. It is not productive and goes nowhere, actually you are stuck in a statu quo. We all did something wrong at one point or another in our life, Nobody can walk around playing the saint. You are very strong for sharing this about you and you are stronger for wanting a change and making it happen.

Self esteem still feeling rock bottom. I know I did right by finishing it, but I’d be lying if I said I don’t still crave his messages and attention.

i went on another date (with a single man, don’t worry!!) last night and all I could think about is him

part of me still hopes we will be together, part of me is disgusted I even feel that way.

I need to snap out of this but it’s not going away.

It took me a lot to write this because I come from a chattered family.
Rise girl. You can do this.
Do you truly honestly want a relationship with no strings attached and only be part time ? This is his proposition. Do you really think that all you have to offer is your sexual charm ? This is his thinking.
Do you still dream that he is going to leave his wife for you? This is his lie. It's very rare. They usually stay with the wife.
Do you still imagine his wife as beneath you in any way ? This is another lie. It's not a competition.

Start focusing on his wife, it will help you get past this. The man who is talking sweet things to you is the same man sleeping next to his unsuspecting wife tonight. Tonight.
Spend more time with your sisterhood in real life. This man is demeaning all women in general. And also what friendship really is. The "friendship" that you had with him was stolen intimacy.
He emptied a joint account so to speak.
You need to feel this pain, you need to cry it out and say it to someone. It is a terrible thing that has happened to you. You need to deal with it in therapy, so that you can break free from whatever is keeping your happiness away.
You only have one life, and you deserve a fulfilling relationship with a truly devoted partner.
Remember that your story with him if you continue will end with many lives chattered. You are actually one of the first victims, you know, the one that usually nobody cares about. So rise, gather those who truly love you around and keep those boundaries in place so that he cannot come and steal from you in the future, he has nothing to offer. "A cloud without rain". He has not changed, there is nothing in his proposition that has changed. He sold you a lie. You want happiness for yourself. you want true love, true respect, true commitment. Cry it out.
And stand firm.

Thank you @43prego for your really thoughtful post x

💝

I think you should heal before going on dates. But I am wondering what the new guy is like?
I really wouldn't waste these guys time if you need to get over him.
Just build your self-esteem and take time to focus on you.

This is easily sorted op. From now on, never date/flirt or become sexually or emotionally involved with anyone who cannot prove himself to be entirely single. And tonight and without speaking to him any further, block and delete this current wanker. If this means you never have another relationship again, so be it. These are the standards that most of us adhere to.

Give the single guy a chance. He is himself
Do not compare him.
Just ask yrslf do i feel like im in good company do i feel seen, supported et cetera (if there's another date)

But having yr confidence ground down my married chancer, id worry for you if you were my friend, worry that you'd tolerate more crap.

Xx

You'll miss him at first. Give it a month and you'll be wondering what the fuck you were thinking. A year and you'll be laughing at what an idiot you were.

I don't think you should date at all right now though. Too soon and you'll just end up spiralling with probably another loser, even if he isn't married.

The pattern doesn’t keep repeating ‘itself’, you do. You have choices, once you know they are married or in a relationship you say no and walk away. End of pattern.
I’d seriously think about getting some counselling, maybe you don’t think you deserve any better, or maybe you are afraid of committing to a real relationship instead of living in somebody else’s fantasy relationship (affairs happen in real life but are not ‘real’ relationships, not many survive a good dose of reality) or you get a kick out of thinking you have ‘won’ (shagging a married man isn’t exactly winning a competition when the other person doesn’t even know or choose to be part of one) or get an ego boost out of feeling ‘preferred’ by a man to his partner (if he thought you were that great he’d leave her for you).
I don’t know, OP. But if you want to be happy and feel better about yourself, you’ll stop seeing yourself as the victim of an unstoppable ‘pattern’ and realise you have total agency and are choosing to sabotage yourself here.
Realise that you are actively helping a man devastate and ruin the mental health of his wife and possibly children if they find out about you and whilst it’s his marriage and family, once you know what you are doing you are no better than an accomplice and carry part of that blame. You’re not an awful person, you are a person making awful choices and that’s why you feel so shit about yourself.
Don’t be that person. His morals are his business but you can do something about yours. You’ll feel a whole lot better if you do.

It’s far too soon to be going on dates, considering the issues at play, here.

You need to be blunt with yourself and ask why you’re so desperate for male attention. Going on a date with the first man you can isn’t going to end well. If anything, it’s more likely to push you back into the arms of the ex.

You broke up with the other guy, what, two weeks ago? Most people post breakup take a few months to themselves at least. You need to break the cycle, the fact this guy is single doesn’t really make a difference. It’s just another example of using a man to fill a void and put off dealing with the real issues here.

No one here wants to see you unhappy and single until the end of time. However, right now, you’re just bouncing from relationship to relationship and it isn’t doing you any good.

And, as a side note, it’s not really fair to go on a date with a guy when you’re hung up on someone else. Everyone’s time is precious and valuable, and it’s a bit shitty of you to waste his time when you clearly don’t really feel much for him.

The thing about dating right now too is that if it's a bad date then it'll risk driving you back to the other guy.

Just put a pin in dating for now.

I get it that it feels nice to be liked after the last guy was shit but at best, its like putting a plaster over a knife wound and expecting it to heal.

You have to take the time to heal, just you.

What was your thought process behind going on a date? Is it because you need the attention and validation you get from men? If so, then you’ll just keep repeating the cycle of completely unhealthy relationships.

You don’t sound emotionally mature or stable enough to be dating honestly. Really consider counselling and work on your issues before getting involved with someone again.

@Pomped

This why I said what I said because I know what people would say to you.

No man going to rescue you from you. I went through a very bad phase. Jumping from man to man doesn't help. Men are happy to use you just to satisfy themselves.

Really you have had a luck escape with this married man. If your just went on a date you don't need to see him again.

Go out with female friends or family have a laugh. Enjoy this nice weather and you don't need a man to do it.