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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Why am I always the other woman

314 replies

Pomped · 02/07/2022 13:03

Can I start by saying I’m in a hugely sad and vulnerable place so if you read this and your reaction is to tell me I’m a vile human being / wannabe homewrecker then it’s nothing I haven’t already felt about myself.

I find myself in a third consecutive relationship (over a 5 year period) where I am the ‘other woman’ to a married man. The pattern keeps repeating itself. The relationships have been of varying lengths (the longest over 2 years and nearly broke me) each time ending in stalemate and a civil relationship with the man. Both men are still vaguely in my social circle but I have no feelings for them any longer.

my own long term relationship (proper! Not affair!) ended several years ago as we ended up more as companions. But there was some overlap with affair no 1 and no 2. Affair partner no 2 was a big part of my relationship breaking down, although I didn’t recognise that at the time.

I now find myself 4 months into a deja vu situation. This man, as have the others, is older, claims his marriage is over (and as a first there are no children involved which I suppose has given me hope). We have had an extremely intense 4 months and I have fallen head over heels. It has genuinely felt like a soulmate situation. He has told me that we will be together but he can’t give a timescale. He’s never going to leave, is he? Over recent days and weeks I’m finding myself more and more frustrated and embarrassed that here I am again, allowing myself to be a bit on the side. Knowing he has social plans with his wife at the weekend and holidays planned. I feel depressed and demoralised. I know I should end this but why do I keep falling in to these traps??? And why am I never ever good enough as the initial promise of me?

Thank you to anyone who has read this ramble.

OP posts:

PastMyBestBeforeDate · 02/07/2022 13:19

First thing is to give yourself a no relationships at work rule. Just use that as a shield while you figure everything else out.

sslz82pe · 02/07/2022 13:19

Perhaps the type of married man who wants a side piece can sniff out vulnerable women? Is there anything you can think of about your demeanour which might suggest vulnerability?

AhAgain · 02/07/2022 13:21

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Original poster

Pomped · 02/07/2022 13:23

Thanks for the replies - appreciate the directness but also that no one has completely assassinated me.

Some home truths I need to face up to on reflection after reading these replies

yes I do crave attention

yes I have made poor decisions and need to own them

I also have ADHD (diagnosed as a teen but currently ‘dormant’ although maybe it isn’t) and I suspect this makes me seem exciting to others at times and makes me take silly impulsive decisions….that then create entanglements I don’t have the courage to end until I am on the floor morale wise

the thought of ending things with this guy (realised I can’t even call him my boyfriend, can I) is like a stake through my heart, but the thought of continuing it is like a pit of dread

OP posts:

SallyWD · 02/07/2022 13:24

I have a couple of friends like you who keep ending up with married men. I think a lot of it is due to the fact that most men their age ARE married so there's a very limited pool of unmarried men! What I've observed over the years is that these men never leave their wives (I know that some married men do leave for another woman but I've never seen this happen in my friend's relationships). Another thing I've observed is that they ALL say the same thing!! They all (without exception) say their marriage is over, they're sleeping in separate rooms, they haven't had sex for years etc etc. In 3 cases their wives went on to have babies! So it's complete bullshit to say that they weren't sleeping together. If I was you I'd really run a mile once you find out a man is married. I'd much rather be single than have that heartache and stress.

theyhavenothingbuttheaudacity · 02/07/2022 13:25

Maybe just think how you will feel when his wife and everyone you know finds out and how despised you will be because that's the way it works. OW are judged and hated far more than OM are. Oh and when you get found out he will be saying the same to his wife as he does you (she means nothing etc)

ThirtyThreeTrees · 02/07/2022 13:26

Why are you terrified of being alone?

What are you scared off?

You need to be good enough for you before you start another relationship. Decide you won't accept being anyone's but on the side. Why do you not think you deserve a proper partner?

Original poster

Pomped · 02/07/2022 13:27

Any advice on how to switch feelings off???! I know I’ve managed it before, this time feels tougher than ever

you’re right, thinking about how he would likely deny me / his feelings if caught is enough to build a bit of resilience around my heart.

OP posts:

CandyLeBonBon · 02/07/2022 13:27

It's not dormant. You're seeking out excitement with these men for a dopamine hit.

You need therapy and probably medication to help manage it. This is incredibly unhealthy behaviour and not accidental.

I speak as someone who also has adhd and has a history of risky relationship behaviour. It's a common occurrence in adhd in women I believe.

CovidHasCaughtUpWithMe · 02/07/2022 13:27

Hi @Pomped

No he isn’t going to leave his dwife. They never do. (Or if they do I’d be worried they’ll do it yo tbh).
As another poster said, it looks like he lovebombed you. So now you are nicely attached to him. The cost leaving him will feel very high and he can get what he wants (you) Wo leaving his marriage.

I know you mentioned low self esteem. Being aware of it is the first step. The second is to get support and rebuild yourself. Go and see a psychotherapist. As you are getting stronger, you’ll automatically ditch the twat. And you’ll be more likely to find a relationship that works for you.

Original poster

Pomped · 02/07/2022 13:28

@CandyLeBonBon really? That almost made me cry. I’ve never connected the two until now

OP posts:

AhAgain · 02/07/2022 13:29

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

CovidHasCaughtUpWithMe · 02/07/2022 13:29

@Pomped ADHD is never dormant! it’s part of who you are.

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/07/2022 13:30

The woman I know who did this repeatedly seemed to do it because she felt like she was winning by luring an attached man away from his partner/wife/kids and it made her feel extra special that it was a competition and he was choosing her. In the end of course he never did choose her and stayed with his primary relationship. She also liked the idea that these men were pre-approved, therefore not a weirdo, and if he was already with someone he was a catch.

Idroppedthescrewinthetuna · 02/07/2022 13:30

Pomped · 02/07/2022 13:14

No I’m not able to explain why I don’t walk away. Again, self esteem I imagine. And I believe the love bombing (thank you to the poster who directed me towards that).

All of these relationships have arisen at work (different workplaces) which makes it difficult for a clean break but I have done it twice before.

I think I do need to work on myself but I’m terrified of being alone, and with my latest relationship I’ve really believed this could be the one….until I’ve realised the patterns of my behaviour and that it’s all making me so, so miserable.

I don’t want to be this person anymore. I know I am awful.

You mention self esteem as a reason, but have you thought of the wife who will have no self esteem when she finds out?

I am not going to have a go at you, but what I will say is there are no children involved....if he wanted to leave really he would.

You need to walk away. Get your own partner (trust me, having another woman's husband will do no good for that) and allow yourself to be happy. I guarantee he hasn't told you the truth about his relationship. She probably believes they are happy and have a healthy sex life.

CovidHasCaughtUpWithMe · 02/07/2022 13:31

Pomped · 02/07/2022 13:28

@CandyLeBonBon really? That almost made me cry. I’ve never connected the two until now

ADHD is kinked to the way you brain works. You can’t switch it off no more than no one can switch off autism, regardless of how well they can look ‘normal’ aka masking.

TheTerfTavern · 02/07/2022 13:32

The fact that you keep saying “I find myself…” is very telling

stop being so passive! Take ownership of your poor decisions

Original poster

Pomped · 02/07/2022 13:34

I like the advice around focussing on moving forward, rather than beating myself up, but it’s hard not to, when the very thing I’m doing in shameful.

I do genuinely have immensely strong feelings for this man, and he has said he will leave, but he needs to plan how and when. Is he just feeding me a line? Should I give him a date ultimatum or just walk away now……

I can’t carry on as I am.

I am also going to try and access some support for the ADHD as now I think about it the dopamine chasing highs followed by crashes pretty much sums up how I’ve run my emotional life

OP posts:

FishcakesWithTooMuchCoriander · 02/07/2022 13:35

CovidHasCaughtUpWithMe · 02/07/2022 13:31

ADHD is kinked to the way you brain works. You can’t switch it off no more than no one can switch off autism, regardless of how well they can look ‘normal’ aka masking.

Show quote history

And women with ADHD often have really poor self-esteem. A lifetime of trying to mask and feeling like you never fit in will do that to you.

Are you medicated? It may make a world of difference to you. Regardless you should look into some specialist ADHD coaching and therapy to help you to recognise when you’re making poor, impulse and dopamine-driven relationship choices and take action to get yourself out of the situation early.

KittyCatsby · 02/07/2022 13:35

Ask yourself are you happy to be put on the backburner for times such as Christmas , his birthday evening , not being able to holiday together , him caring for you when you are ill etc . All those times you will be at home alone.

FishcakesWithTooMuchCoriander · 02/07/2022 13:39

Of course he says he’s going to leave but…/once…/when…/if…. That’s just keeping you on the hook.

if he had been going to leave, he’d have left. Months ago. But he didn’t. He chose to have an affair and string two women along instead.

Which means he’s not very nice. Is he?

If he really cared about you, he wouldn’t be doing this to you. So dump him. Rip the plaster off. And see a therapist to help you get over it and move forward in more positive ways.

Lockheart · 02/07/2022 13:39

Hi OP, I'm not going to have a go at you. I would like to echo other posters though and would really really recommend seeking therapy or counselling around your self-esteem and how that impacts your behaviour in relationships, as well as asking your doctor for medication to manage behaviour which is exacerbated by the ADHD.

Try to take some time out of relationships entirely and really work on yourself. You can break this pattern, you'll just need to put the effort in to work on yourself with a professional to help you.

LetHimHaveIt · 02/07/2022 13:42

I wouldn't worry too much. A significant percentage of MNers are adamant that you shouldn't feel any responsibility at all: "He's the one breaking his vows!" they bleat, plaintively. So crack on.

I've never met an OW truly lacking in self-esteem, fwiw. They're usually very sure of the success of their milkshake in bringing all the boys to the yard 🙄

Original poster

Pomped · 02/07/2022 13:46

I think there is an ADHD board on here isn’t there? I don’t want to derail this thread but no im not medicated and in fact it’s not even on my adult records (I don’t think) but I had a loose diagnosis as a teenager but then was swept under the carpet for a variety of reasons. I’m do have a lot of questions so perhaps I should post a separate thread there

if this car crash affair has been the wake up call to take some action perhaps it has all been for a reason

for anyone reading this and has been the wife of a man who has had an affair all I can say is that I’m sorry and that it is as much your shitty husband as it is the other woman

regarding the relationship I think it is ultimatum time, but can my ego take that, perhaps I just need to end it. I will have to see him at work though, but not too frequently

OP posts:

OgdensGoneNutFlake · 02/07/2022 13:48

The problem is that the eroding of your self esteem is perpetuated by the fact that these men will never leave their wives for you.

If you keep spending time hoping they will leave you're never going to meet a man who will put you at the centre of his world. And that's what you need and deserve to have. It would make you feel better about yourself.
You do sound very ground down by it- a real, true relationship would allow you to feel happier.

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