Why am I always the other woman

[Pomped]

Can I start by saying I’m in a hugely sad and vulnerable place so if you read this and your reaction is to tell me I’m a vile human being / wannabe homewrecker then it’s nothing I haven’t already felt about myself.

I find myself in a third consecutive relationship (over a 5 year period) where I am the ‘other woman’ to a married man. The pattern keeps repeating itself. The relationships have been of varying lengths (the longest over 2 years and nearly broke me) each time ending in stalemate and a civil relationship with the man. Both men are still vaguely in my social circle but I have no feelings for them any longer.

my own long term relationship (proper! Not affair!) ended several years ago as we ended up more as companions. But there was some overlap with affair no 1 and no 2. Affair partner no 2 was a big part of my relationship breaking down, although I didn’t recognise that at the time.

I now find myself 4 months into a deja vu situation. This man, as have the others, is older, claims his marriage is over (and as a first there are no children involved which I suppose has given me hope). We have had an extremely intense 4 months and I have fallen head over heels. It has genuinely felt like a soulmate situation. He has told me that we will be together but he can’t give a timescale. He’s never going to leave, is he? Over recent days and weeks I’m finding myself more and more frustrated and embarrassed that here I am again, allowing myself to be a bit on the side. Knowing he has social plans with his wife at the weekend and holidays planned. I feel depressed and demoralised. I know I should end this but why do I keep falling in to these traps??? And why am I never ever good enough as the initial promise of me?

Thank you to anyone who has read this ramble.

I’m so grateful for this board

Ive never been able to speak about these relationships / affairs with ANYONE in real life. It’s suffocating. I know my friends wonder why I go distant on them periodically and also wonder why I haven’t found a relationship

Instead of trying to quash the pain, it might be easier to say 'hey, I'm hurting right now. But that's understandable. And I'm allowed to hurt. And it will pass'. Maybe think if yourself telling your young self this. That it's OK to cry, it's OK to make mistakes. So long as we learn from them.

You didnt end the last two things fast enough. So now you've a third chance to do what's right. To be brave. And it'll be different because you can hold your head up high and say - this time, I choose me.

Do right by yourself. Take it as a life lesson. Use it to grow as a person. And moving forwardfs every day, tell yourself 'I deserve to be happy. I walk away from people who will put my happiness at risk. I trust myself to choose me'.

Doing what is right (and right by yourself) isn't always easy. But you can do it. Be kind to you.

You need to find help to get to a point where you say No! I am worth more than to be some dirty blokes grubby secret cheap thrill.

Because you are worth so much more than that!

Maybe begin by making a promise to yourself that you won't even entertain approaches from any man who is not actually single rather than claiming their wife doesn't understand them or similar bollocks.

They never leave.

You need to set yourself some red lines before letting yourself get ensnared. You know they are married, you need to make sure they are single before getting caught up.

Well obviously stop getting with married men. Like, when you find out stop seeing them.

It's pretty fucking basic mate.

Oh OP. You keep saying things like, "I find myself..." in this post. It's so passive - as if your life is happening to you, and you are a bystander.

You need counselling really, really urgently. I agree you sound vulnerable and some extremely selfish men are taking advantage of that, and using you for a little added excitement alongside their marriages, because you don't value yourself enough to recognise that you deserve better. But everyone deserves better than this.

If a man says his marriage is over, and he feels strongly for you, the sensible response is that you will see him when he's living separately and has the decree nisi in his grubby little hands. Sadly, some men (like all of us) find domesticity dull, at times. What most of us don't do is siphon off part of our lives so we can have a fantasy teenage relationship to add some spice, while maintaining our real, primary lives in tandem. Not all affairs boil down to that, of course, but most do seem to. Most men who have affairs don't leave because most men who have affairs don't remotely want to leave, and aren't unhappy. They just want easy sex and adoration, and the thrill of the forbidden, as a bonus extra pack.

You're worth a lot more than that. He's dressing it up with Disney fantasies of 'soulmates' but life isn't Twilight. He's selling you a saccharine pretty dream to cover the reality that he's using you for sex and admiration.

Again, counselling. You sound so hurt and despairing and I feel for you, but you are not going to escape this pattern of demeaning yourself until you start seeing life as in your control, and recognise and take responsibility for your own choices and actions. You're letting random men take the wheel, and they aren't going to have your interests even in the frame. You need to take control of your life and how you live it.

Good luck.

@Pinkbonbon thank you. I feel mad for never even considering that as an option. It’s like I need to either be happy or crush the unhappy feelings. Sitting with feeling sad and broken is alien to me, I feel like I just need to distract myself? Is that ok? Maybe I just need a good long sleep. I’ve not been sleeping well at all

Well I can't imagine your relationships being great for the wives' self esteem either.
Look you are deliberately putting yourself in situations where you are playing second fiddle, you must know that you will be of less consequence to these men than their wives/marriages so you are setting yourself up to fail. Even if a miracle happens and your current man leaves his wife (he won't), you know he is a cheating piece of shit and not a good long term prospect.
Only date men that are free and single and willing to put you first and centre, until you find one of those stay single yourself. You might find that your self esteem improves when you no longer accept other women's sloppy seconds.

@1000chairs i understand your anger, I really do. I’m not throwing a pity party, I am posting in desperation as I’ve never been able to talk to anyone in real life about this. I do want to change my behaviour. I do feel guilty for what I’m doing. I’m sorry if that hasn’t come across sufficiently

Getting over feelings are difficult- the easiest thing is to not get them in the first place.

In the kindest possible way this keeps happening because you’re allowing it to and these men can pick up on how naïve you are.
Stop letting these dicks play you like this.

I have dated men in relationships.
I have also been the OW too for quite a while.
You have to learn from it.

I will not become serious with anyone now until I know they’re not with anyone else and it’s always in the back of my mind at the beginning and I look out for the signs.

The man I was with for a while was my best friend and he was at mine every weekend and a couple evenings during the week. I’d regularly go to his family and friends events and he’d come to mine. There were photos of us on his social media etc literally like a normal couple - apart from he had a wife and 2 kids at home.

The second I found out I dumped him - not because I didn’t care about him or because I felt guilty for his wife but because I knew he didn’t respect or care about me.

And I refuse to be with anyone who doesn’t respect me enough to only have sex with just me.
Im not saying it wasn’t hard and he of course said they’re not sleeping together and they’ll break up soon blah blah but I knew that was all BS and he had already lied so the damage was already done.

If you get any sense someone is in a relationship then end it straight away.
As the only person who is going to get hurt is you.
If they like you so much then they’ll end their relationship before asking you to have sex with them.

Youre never going to get what you need from a married man. The whole relationship is built on lies and deceit. Theres no way it would suddenly become healthy even if they dumped their wives. Are you not sick of it by now? Surely you dont believe their promises to you are more sincere than the promises to their wives?

Walk away and get some support.

or get some support and walk away.

Whatever is the easiest.

But I agree that those relationships only erode yourself esteem even more. In th long run, you are better Wo him

Are you subconsciously persuing married men as a sort of self esteem boost. Ie you are more attractive than their wife?

I think you are unhappy within yourself and your life.
I agree with the other posters urging you to get some therapy and build up your self esteem in a positive way.
You are looking for attention and validation from these men and perhaps enjoying the feeling that you are in some way better than the wives( more ego boosting for you)
I do understand that feeling although I have never dated a married man when I was in an emotionally abusive relationship I would look for attention from other men which went as far as kissing quite a few. I just wanted to feel attractive and desirable. My ex had ruined my self esteem so I went looking for it with other men.
I wish I had realised we'd then that I needed to get rid of him and build myself back up.
I hope you will break up with your married man, get some therapy and start doing things that make you feel good about yourself.
There is a pattern here and you need to break the cycle and hopefully stop the pain you will cause his wife and family.

I have a friend who has a similar issue to you, a series of 'relationships' with attached men. She always says to me that married men are the only ones attracted to her like she has no choice in the matter. When I say certain attached men try it on with anyone until they get a score (usually someone vulnerable to this) she doesn't understand that it's not just her.

Her low self esteem doesn't understand that they are predators looking for some 'fun' on the side. She is almost honoured to be chosen for their attention. I also suspect that she may be using attached men as an excuse to avoid intimacy with a partner ie if they were genuinely available she would have to let them get close to her.

I would suggest therapy for you. It's amazing for sorting out these issues. You don't have to be passive in these relationships and deserve to be loved and cherished as 'the' woman, not living in hope that they will leave their wives.

Don't give him an ultimatum, OP. What if he leaves his wife? Then you'll be stuck with a lying, gaslighting, cheating shithead. Just end it. And then give yourself at least a year of being single while you get some therapy, support, maybe some medication, and sort this shit out.

This youtube channel might be of some help to you - this video might be a good one to start with:

You don’t “find yourself “ being the other woman. It’s a choice. And you should stop.

That is so sad OP. Your behaviour is self destructive and self harming.

Usually the foundations for these types of issues are set down in early childhood by messages you got from your caregivers about your worth. Also boundaries and limits are developed in childhood from your tolerance to nasty behaviour being increased or not in your early life. There is a whole lot of work involved in rewriting these destructive beliefs and patterns of behaviour.

There is a good thread up at the moment about some suggestions to improve your self esteem. It might be helpful for you. Best of luck.

Thank you @beastlyslumber i will watch that

Of course it's OK to distract yourself (with healthy stuff like binging a netflix comedy).

I would advise panning him off (via text, because he isn't owed more than that and i suspect in person he would head fuck you) first before trying to get some sleep as sometimes we lose momentum to be brave if we don't do it ASAP. You don't want to end up putting it off and then chickening out for ages.

But just remember, it's OK to hurt. It doesn't make you weak, it makes you human.

What it doesn't do however, is give you an excuse to do the wrong thing. The man has to go. And yes, it will hurt you. But thats OK. Because you will heal. 'It's OK to feel hurt. It's OK to cry. It's OK OK pig out on a bucket of ice cream watching Friends re runs (OK...maybe that's just me). Because I chose me and I did the right thing and ths pain will pass in it's own time'.

You gotta be your own champion in life op. Your own Knight in shining armour. That's not a man's job, it's yours. So grab your sword and shield and if life knocks you on your arse, get back up swinging. But, when you are ready. Cause you know, the crying and ice cream stuff first xD

You need to set yourself some solid boundaries. Then stick to them no matter what. If he's still with someone, it's a resounding NO.

That'll do.

What was your childhood and relationship with your parents like?

This so you’ve slept with married whilst being in the same social circle with their wives ?

have you socialised with them during the affair?

I think if you are being honest women like you get off on the betrayal element I.e I know something you don’t being in such close proximity to the wives , the competition element

When you say these RL start at work .Are you younger by some length ,in a junior position? Because a lot of older married men still seem to feel they can have a bit on the side as it were. Some older (and not so old men ) seem to feel they are entitled to behave this way .Its disgusting and wrong .You will always be unhappy with these types of men they need an ego boost is all.Maybe have some time off dating ? 3 married men in 5 years is going some.Also be honest with yourself are you looking for a "Sugar Daddy" rather than an equal RL .You will still be unhappy if you dont change your mindset .Marriage is more than being in bed ,dinner dates .Men like their stability .