Why am I always the other woman

[Pomped]

Can I start by saying I’m in a hugely sad and vulnerable place so if you read this and your reaction is to tell me I’m a vile human being / wannabe homewrecker then it’s nothing I haven’t already felt about myself.

I find myself in a third consecutive relationship (over a 5 year period) where I am the ‘other woman’ to a married man. The pattern keeps repeating itself. The relationships have been of varying lengths (the longest over 2 years and nearly broke me) each time ending in stalemate and a civil relationship with the man. Both men are still vaguely in my social circle but I have no feelings for them any longer.

my own long term relationship (proper! Not affair!) ended several years ago as we ended up more as companions. But there was some overlap with affair no 1 and no 2. Affair partner no 2 was a big part of my relationship breaking down, although I didn’t recognise that at the time.

I now find myself 4 months into a deja vu situation. This man, as have the others, is older, claims his marriage is over (and as a first there are no children involved which I suppose has given me hope). We have had an extremely intense 4 months and I have fallen head over heels. It has genuinely felt like a soulmate situation. He has told me that we will be together but he can’t give a timescale. He’s never going to leave, is he? Over recent days and weeks I’m finding myself more and more frustrated and embarrassed that here I am again, allowing myself to be a bit on the side. Knowing he has social plans with his wife at the weekend and holidays planned. I feel depressed and demoralised. I know I should end this but why do I keep falling in to these traps??? And why am I never ever good enough as the initial promise of me?

Thank you to anyone who has read this ramble.

I've heard it all now

OP 'How do I stop being the other woman?'

MN 'Just stop sleeping with married men'

OP 'Ahh maybe I need more sleep'

What is so bad about being on your own? It could be hugely liberating for you, & certainly much less stressful.

Leaving any moral outrage aside, most women wouldn't be the other woman because it's not a lot of fun. You can't go out openly, they are probably not there for your birthday or Christmas or other important life events. You can't introduce them to friends and workmates. You can't easily ever spend the night together or go on holiday together. They don't have your back. They hardly ever leave their wives and if they do, often they don't marry the OW. Most of all I'm too selfish to be the second choice.

I understand this hurts right now and I suspect men have taken advantage of you but you have to end it and get some self-respect back. I broke my heart over some unsuitable men and thought I was unhappy but I can promise you the pain is nothing compared to praying your child's cancer has not spread. I do think you should have some counselling to find out why you keep having these personally hurtful relationships. Honestly, you do deserve better.

Some people don't have much empathy or compassion for those who struggle, OP. Try not to take it too much to heart, or maybe try to see it as 'tough love'. You are doing the right thing by trying to change. Changing these kinds of behaviours is not easy, and it does take moral courage. You've been repeating destructive behaviour for a long time, but you want to change - that's important. You're asking for help - that's positive. Now take the next step - end this relationship, find a therapist, face your demons.

No judgement from me. This is a massive self esteem issue. On a subconscious level, you feel that if they ‘pick’ you over their wife, then you are valuable and worthy and you’ve ‘won’. Sadly that rarely happens as you’ve experienced. Get into therapy it really will help turn things around for you.

You need to go find yourself a therapist and work out why you keep doing this. Talk to 3 or more till you find someone. Find a way to afford it. It’s a priority.

I suspect they’ll just you take 6 months off dating to focus on yourself.

Once you are through that join some dating apps / walking groups / etc to find single men.

I don’t know why you’re doing this, or even if you’ll figure it out, but you really have a pattern going here, and you need some help to stop.

Don’t bother with the beating yourself up. It’s pointless and self indulgent, and you don’t appear to have done anyone’s family any damage - yet.

Know the present guy isn’t going to leave his wife, and you don’t want the misery that would come with that. So drop him.

Problem is op you keep going for unavailable men who have 'dead' marriage it's a tale as old as time.

It sounds very much like you would benefit from developing some self esteem and learning how to put boundaries in place.

I was a victim of CSE and domestic violence. I found that I was always a bit in the side/FWB etc and it was only via therapy that I realised that was all I would allow as I was protecting myself from being hurt but at the same time causing myself pain. I couldn't trust myself not to sabotage a long term emotional equal relationship and felt I only deserved to be the OW/disposable FWB. Plus as the OW I knew full well that they would never leave the wife etc. My behaviour came from a a very deep place of trauma and abuse. I told myself I was happy but I was not, I was using it as a stick to beat myself with.

You can fix this. But you have to take full responsibility for your own behaviour and own it. I went in to get mates and have been with my DH for 20 years.

Do you think on some level you want to avoid the awful drudgery that comes with realising your relationship has grown apart (as you said happened with your own long term partner) and the passion fades etc..so maybe subconsciously you allow yourself to fall head over heels with men you know are unavailable (and you're right, he's never going to leave his wife) so there's no danger of the excitement and the passion turning into normal domestic life? And no danger of enduring that particular kind of pain that comes with realising the end of a long term relationship where there's nothing wrong as such but you're just not that happy anymore?
I used to do this, I'd intentionally go for unavailable men, convince myself I was in love and felt so heartbroken etc but actually realised in the end that I never truly wanted them because ultimately when the excitement of the illicit fades away and real life creeps in you are usually left with a very ordinary man and ordinary relationship.

I don't think it's just wanting to " win", although that's definitely part of it. I wonder if you feel you don't deserve a full, whole relationship?

Its definitely lack of self esteem. You need to work on that on your own or nothing will change. Do you think that being Second best is all you deserve? Spend time on your own and have some therapy, discover yourself before you even think about another relationship. You will be getting a reputation as a home wrecker, is that who you really are? Only deeply insecure women actively get involved in wrecking another females relationship.

Haven’t RTFT but your title is disingenuous. It should read:

Why do I sleep with married men?

You have agency - use it. The faux “poor me” of your OP is embarrassing.

Don't know if it's been recommended yet (I've not read every single comment), but get "women who's love too much", I think it would be helpful for you.

Any advice on how to switch feelings off???!

You don't need to switch your feelings off - you need to end it in spite of your feelings. Sorry, but your feelings don't trump other people's marriages.

In your posts you repeatedly refer to these relationships 'arising' or 'happening', or 'finding yourself' in these situations, or blaming the men for love bombing you. I mean, obviously they are cheating arseholes, but it's very telling that you describe what you're doing using this passive language, as though you have no agency in the matter, as though it all just happens in spite of you.

You need to take responsibility. You are choosing to do this. So pull yoursekf together and stop it. Yes, sure, try and find a way to work on your self-esteem, but low self-esteem is no excuse. Plenty of women with low self-esteem manage not to go around shagging married men.

''Pomped · For anyone reading this and has been the wife of a man who has had an affair all I can say is that I’m sorry and that it is as much your shitty husband as it is the other woman''

Well - take note of your own observation OP. You've admitted he's ''shitty''.

He's not 'different'. He's not 'trapped'. He's not 'special'. He's not 'misunderstood'.

He's just yet another (your 3rd) cheating arsed bloke.

How would you trust him even if he did leave his wife?!

You're unhappy and resent people in relationships so you want to ruin as many relationships as you can. If you can't have a long term relationship then noone else should be allowed to.

Get some therapy. Work on your self esteem.

How old are you?

What's the usual age gap between you and your current & previous relationships?

Look you know you have to stop seeing him and you can just stop, as in right now. Block him right now, reading this post. Then work on your self-esteem

You deserve more than to be sloppy seconds - and that is what it is.

It's a self-confidence thing OP in my humble opinion. At first they are charming, attentive, they spoil you and make it appear that they are choosing you over the person they made their vows to, which makes you feel special (no criticism, sorry that comes across harshly written down!). The difficult part is when you realise that actually it's the opposite, they have chosen their wives but you are a convenient escape from being an adult - paying bills, supporting a partner, raising children etc... MH advice to you is to end this one now - if you genuinely care about him then I would simply say that to him, but you aren't prepared to be part of an unwitting three way so once he and his wife have separated he is welcome to get back in touch. Do NOT hang on for him though! Then begin to work on yourself. Counselling if you can afford it. Develop a self care routine - for example mine is to get up before the rest of the house, I make a fresh pot of proper coffee and have it with cream. If the weather is nice enough I sit outside, otherwise I sit in the window with a reading book or do some shadow work. Then I take the dog for a walk in the woods, well away from the path and other people. Home, shower with oat and milk body scrubs and a nice subtle fragranced moisturiser. By the time the rest of the house is awake I've already decided I'm going to have a good day and nobody will change that! Engage with your friends, enjoy yourself and look at new hobbies. If a man shows interest don't fall over yourself. Go for a coffee, ask him about himself and ask him directly are you married, dating, attached - if he is you finish your drink thank him for a nice time and move on. You're worth so much more than a calling card for men who are too cowardly to either change or end their unhappy marriages.

Some people don't have much empathy or compassion

Where's ops empathy and compassion for the wives and children of her affair partners?

You may be in pain, whatever, I roll my eyes at all the pity party self esteem nonsense.

But what you and these men are doing passes pain onto an innocent party and often the children. That's not acceptable.

You have personal agency, employ it in a healthy way!

She's seeking help to change her behaviour. I'd say that's a positive thing.

Also, I'm not saying you have to have empathy or compassion for OP, or anyone who is struggling. It was just an observation.

Hello all. We understand and appreciate that many posters who use this board will have had direct experience of infidelity and are acutely aware of the consequences. We know that feelings on this issue run high. This doesn't mean that our usual talk guidelines don't apply. We've had to remove some posts as they were personal attacks towards the OP. MNers who continue to break guidelines may find their account suspended, which we'd prefer to avoid.

Do bear this in mind when posting, and if you don't think you can, please step away from the thread. Thank you.

I know somebody just like you who has been waiting for the guy to leave his wife for 15 years. Yep, 15. Meanwhile he had a second child with his wife and she had 3 abortions. Nice, isn't it? If this is the life you want, then go on. But stop feeling sorry for yourself because you chose to be in this situation, you weren't coerced.