Why am I always the other woman

[Pomped]

Can I start by saying I’m in a hugely sad and vulnerable place so if you read this and your reaction is to tell me I’m a vile human being / wannabe homewrecker then it’s nothing I haven’t already felt about myself.

I find myself in a third consecutive relationship (over a 5 year period) where I am the ‘other woman’ to a married man. The pattern keeps repeating itself. The relationships have been of varying lengths (the longest over 2 years and nearly broke me) each time ending in stalemate and a civil relationship with the man. Both men are still vaguely in my social circle but I have no feelings for them any longer.

my own long term relationship (proper! Not affair!) ended several years ago as we ended up more as companions. But there was some overlap with affair no 1 and no 2. Affair partner no 2 was a big part of my relationship breaking down, although I didn’t recognise that at the time.

I now find myself 4 months into a deja vu situation. This man, as have the others, is older, claims his marriage is over (and as a first there are no children involved which I suppose has given me hope). We have had an extremely intense 4 months and I have fallen head over heels. It has genuinely felt like a soulmate situation. He has told me that we will be together but he can’t give a timescale. He’s never going to leave, is he? Over recent days and weeks I’m finding myself more and more frustrated and embarrassed that here I am again, allowing myself to be a bit on the side. Knowing he has social plans with his wife at the weekend and holidays planned. I feel depressed and demoralised. I know I should end this but why do I keep falling in to these traps??? And why am I never ever good enough as the initial promise of me?

Thank you to anyone who has read this ramble.

claims his marriage is over

The minute you hear he is still married, leave and ask him to get in touch when the degree absolute is through.

Just that.

The trouble about being the 'other woman' is that it upsets the power balance between you. You have to accept taking second place on occasion where he has existing commitments. On the other hand, it is much easier to start a relationship with someone who is already married because they know you know you can't marry them. If you are prepared to continue anyway, they have it made.

Don't do that to your self. Hang out for one of your own. Your life will be so.much.better.

People say 'my self esteem is low, so I keep having relationships with people who are not really available. The important point to grasp is that your self esteem is actually low because you are allowing yourself to be in this kind of relationship. Once you decide to be kind to your self, to look for a real partner who will put you first, your self esteem will start to grow.

Don't wonder why you do this, just stop doing it. All the best.

Good grief, you can’t even use the excuse that you didn’t know that these 3 men were married. You worked with them, easy to find out, as opposed to not knowing anything about them before meeting them in a pub etc.

i don’t think it’s a self esteem issue. More of a I don’t give a shit, I’ll have him, issue. You’re only upset that they won’t leave their wives and children for you. You get what you deserve OP, sorry.

If you want to feel better about yourself, tell these poor women that their husbands are cheating shits so they have a choice with that knowledge as to whether they want to stay with them, and make your own choice not to collude in cheating any other women of that choice.

You need to be single and work on your self esteem. Stop having sexual relationships all together and really work on yourself. I reckon a few things could be at play:
1, self sabotage - you go for married men because the relationship has no chance of working to start with.
2, your scared of commitment and a meaningful relationship.
3, it's all clandestine and exciting .
Get therapy OP. also stop shiting on your own doorstep. Fucking people at work is really unprofessional.

Anyhow, you deserve a person of your own. Not a relationship that causes destruction but one that starts without lies, decite. Would you ever truly trust a man that started a relationship with you while cheating on his wife? I wouldn't.

Hi @Pomped I think this statement in your original post highlights something of the issue

“And why am I never ever good enough as the initial promise of me?”

What it highlights is that you are internalising and taking the blame for the behaviour of your partner who is unfaithful. It’s not that you are not good enough, the pattern of their behaviour is about what excites them, it’s not about who you are or who their wife is unfortunately. It’s likely about the thrill of getting away with it, the bonding that insecurity creates with both you and his wife, and the sense that he is so desirable that he can have two women. It’s probably also about seeing you squirm I’m afraid, men who are unfaithful are often abusive in other ways too and they get a lot of satisfaction out of manipulating women’s emotions. Can I check what age you are? Younger women (under 30) tend to be targeted my men like this.

So what can you do about it? I think a good start is familiarising yourself with the strategies men like this use, it will be (somewhat) easier to resist when you can see what they are up too. Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft is a good starting point, this is more about abusive controlling men but my guess is you will see more than a few familiar tactics based on what you’ve shared. Also look up Pick up artist strategies from manosphere, these include negging, creating love triangles, love bombing, premature intimacy etc. Again, not all will be directly applicable but once you know, you’ll find it easier not to fall for it.

Here are a few red flags that mean you should immediately drop contact, and leave the relationship, no if, ands or buts:

1. he says he loves you within weeks of getting together


2. he tells you ex or current partner is crazy, or abusive, or a bitch


3. he act jealous


4. he discloses a lot of personal information within a few dates, or early on in your work relationship- especially if these are mental health or relationship related


5. He says he’s never met a woman who understands him like you do


6. he admits he was previously unfaithful


7. he gets angry or moody and you can’t tell what triggered it


8. he’s married or in a relationship already


9. he says very early on that he hates drama (this is code for I tend to have very dramatic relationships)

To get over the intense feelings you have for them? Probably best to go on lots of dating app dates and behave like a charming nun!

Don’t sleep with anyone else because that will likely mess with your head or potentially undermine your self esteem, but do date lots and get practicing politely rejecting people who aren’t right for you and don’t treat you with respect. I would also highly recommend giving men you wouldn’t usually find attractive a good chance (2 dates min) because it sounds like you keep falling for the sweep you off your feet type who are not who you want long term.

Because you are allowing yourself to be. Certain types of men enjoy sticking their dicks into women who are not their wives if they can get away with it. Stop being an available hole and you’ll find you are no longer the other women.

@Pomped ...no sympathy-cos-what use is it really
youre clearly examining yourself-good.... you really can be alone and far happier,than pining after someone elses(weak arse louse of a )man... Plan your own holiday.Love your own self. Just cos you landed badly a few times doesnt mean you do the same jump.........keep it real.There ARE no guarantees. closest to itt youll get is-if cheat on wife,cheat on you too. your soulmates not bareface lie to wife/kids every day in life.
step out the void and love yourself more

@Luredbyapomegranate
"Don’t bother with the beating yourself up. It’s pointless and self indulgent, and you don’t appear to have done anyone’s family any damage - yet." - how would OP know 6 months or 6 years down the line?

@scarletisjustred
"Leaving any moral outrage aside," - why? OP doesn't just fall onto these men's d*cks through the course of her work does she?

This is repetitive, premeditated selfish choices which I suspect OP is posting about by blaming married men she has targeted to absolve guilt, responsibility and for further attention. And of course, where else but on MumsNet, where men are always to blame for everything?

How do we know OP isn't just a predatory female (they certainly exist in the work place) targeting previously happily married men? I can think of one woman who purposely picks on the most unlikely man at work, relishing the challenge and pursuit. Once she has acquired her victim she ups the anti until they are putty in her hands, making sure his wife knows all about it, then drops the man, crying wolf and playing the victim...that is after bragging to colleagues about how tightly she has these men wrapped round her little finger. It is just a game to her and despite being reported several times, nothing is ever done because it appears the 'shitty man' is the aggressor!

OP, can you think of any situation - not just relationships, could be work, buying stuff, whatever - where you've discovered that things aren't what you wanted - and you extricated yourself?

OP look up limerance, and give your head a wobble. He wants his end away. He isn't your soulmate.

I think we can tell she’s not a predator because she seems genuinely heartbroken that these undoubtedly shitty men are playing her, she’s not on here bragging about her conquests. Starting relationships with married men is bad behaviour, but in reality OP doesn’t seem to know these women well at all, whereas the men are married to them and presumably know them intimately and have promised to love them forever- they are the shittier party. Lots of people don’t consider the feelings of strangers in everyday life, it’s not ideal but it’s not uncommon, betraying your own wife and family is pretty horrific and massively destructive.

But you're good enough for someone else's husband? You have control over your own life, stop talking as if it's something that just randomly happens to you out of a clear blue sky.

Something you might want to consider - do you have strong feelings for him or are you infatuated with the excitement of someone 'new'?

Could it be that you're hitching your wagon to these men because deep down you know they're not available and you won't have to make a permanent commitment?

If he does leave his wife, and you are together -- will you ever actually be able to trust him? He cheated with you, so trust me, he will cheat on you.

Wishing you the best - learn to love yourself, you can't properly love someone else if you can't love yourself. 💜

If they are still in your social circle then you knew they were married. It's obscure to ask why you're always the other woman when you always go for married men.

OP, ditch the current married man and make a vow not to touch another. It keeps the worst of it at bay.

The problem as I see it is
a) Men are attractive
b) Men are slippery bastards. One told me (and others with me) all about his failed marriage. He didn't say that was his first marriage and that he had a perfectly fine and ongoing second marriage. My current 'look but don't touch' says he loves me. He presumably said that to his wife before he left his long term partner for her, and to the woman he left for long term partner... he's a wonderful man in many ways but his pattern is 'find a new woman before you leave the one you're with'.

Just because a man finds you attractive/loves you, doesn't mean you have to accept it. Decide what you want, and do that.

Others have given good advice.
Do get to your GP and get a referral so you can get treatment for your ADHD. It will help a lot. There are online therapists that are reasonable cost if money is an issue.

A good exercise is to write down your boundaries. What you want from a relationship and what you won't tolerate.

Even writing, " I only date single and available men" and specifying what that means. No guys who live with someone, No separated, No my wife doesn't understand me, our marriage is dead anyway guys.
It's easier to stick to it when it is there in black and white and helpful to self-esteem to say, this is who I am.

As for married guy, it's only been 4 months. Google limerence.
He really isn't going to leave his wife for you but you can say to him, I've decided to do my own thing for now. When you're completely divorce give me a ring.
You don't have to stick around with him waiting on him. Then get busy with your life. Find something fulfilling to do. Volunteer, a hobby, get a pet, take some lessons.

Nobody is ordering you to be desperate.

I think you want what you can't have. It fizzled out with your ex because he was "allowed" and it excites you on some level to have a man who chooses to spend time with you in preference to the woman he pledged his commitment to. Maybe you watched far too many "romantic" films where shit like this happens and somehow the wife is shunted to one side and it's all fine because the scumbag pair love each other sooooooo much.

The other common pattern in your OW relationships is that they all end. They all choose their wives. Or single life. They don't choose you. And that's because most married cheaters like home cooked meals and fast food, but they don't often know how to cope without the former and they tire of the latter. As soon as you become the home cooked meal, he'll be looking for fast food fixes. You know this, look at your own overlaps. You like fast food. It would be interesting to see which one of you made a break for McDonald's first.

There is a fundamental problem with your behaviours. But you already know this.
You need to fix yourself from the inside out. But you already know this.
You have known what to do in the past but hadnt done it.

How much more of your life are you going to throw away before sorting yourself out?

Life doesnt last forever. It is slowly disappearing for all of us.
Make good use of your time. For your sake and for others.

What are you scared of?
a. That you will not be you any more? There will be enough of you left.
b. That you cant change? You can.
c. Too much hard work? The best things in life always take hard work
d. You wont like your new life? Only you can answer that one.

Do you self sabotage?

Really struggle to show any sympathy here.

Three relationships with married men. “Some overlap between 1 and 2”- so you can’t even be loyal to someone you’re having an affair with?

The whole thing is just so utterly desperate. I just feel bad for the wives in all this- you’ve played a huge role in ruining three marriages (the truth always comes out in the end).

I don’t think you’d feel bad about any of these “relationships” if even one of the men had picked you. You’re upset because you weren’t picked three times over. You don’t actually feel bad about the damage you’ve contributed to.

At this point, don’t even be friends with men who are married. Stay single, work on yourself and when you get back into dating, make fucking sure they’re single. Single numerous years preferably- ie divorced finalised, living in separate houses etc.

The men in these situations have been more in the wrong than you by a long way, but you’ve still went along with this for years, now. It isn’t ok.

And, finally, I don’t think starting your post saying you basically don’t want to be told you’re an awful person is a massive cop out, to be honest. If you make mistakes you have to own up to them. You can’t just pick and choose how people perceive you as to not hurt your feelings. You certainly didn’t care about hurting feelings when you were fucking another woman’s husband? If you did, you wouldn’t have done that.

Sounds like a self esteem issue if it's 3 times. You seem to think that you only a deserve a man that can only offer scraps. Cut him off block him move on with your life.

Lotusflower16 Thats mad! I honestly dont know how women like this dont realise they are wasting their time and fertile years with a guy whos married.Maybe they know deep down or have attachment issues.Also the guy is a dick and living a lie.

Perhaps your real motivation is a need to compete and win against other women. After all, you must know the worthlessness of cheating men. Why would you want one? But getting him away from another woman - what a boost for your self esteem.

The solution is obvious - never date anyone who you don't know well enough to know they are single.

But that doesn't fix the cause. Maybe you are desperate to be special enough, wanted enough that they would leave someone for you which in itself is a form of low self esteem. But it doesn't sound like it from your post. I suspect it is more a fear of intimacy thing. You know that shift all long term relationships have to make, from 'in love' to 'lasting love' where instead of being all edgy and hyped up with excitement and on best behaviour, you learn to be yourself with the other person. As the other woman, you never have to let your guard down in this way. Your time together isn't humdrum, it contains less of the everyday hassles of paying bills and putting out the rubbish etc.

Maybe you are scared of it all becoming companionable and losing its romantic charge, like your proper relationship did. But there's no need to fear that.

I would spend a couple of years alone, in your position, maybe exploringw ith a therapist or just reading up in good psych and relationship self help books and journalling to get to the root of why you have created this pattern and how to break it. Don't date until you have a clear picture of the values you want to establish from the outset in your relationship - both being single and available being a key one. This is possible even if you meet a man who says his marriage is obver. A friend met a man in this situation and said, fine we'll just be mates until you are separated and divorced. Two years of strong friendship later, they got together properly. You can make this a rule you won't break.

You sound terrified of being alone. I have a male relative a bit like that. As a result he's stuck in a shit abusive relationship. He keeps breaking up with her and they keep getting back together because he just can't be on his own. You need to snap out of it and get comfortable in your own skin. Start saying no if they are in a relationship. You've got to turn things around. If you don't, you'll get a reputation as a homewrecker and you'll have difficulty getting a decent guy. Be on your own for a while and then start again.

You need to end this now and spend a long time alone to build your self esteem and learn to love being single and keep yourself busy. Once you get used to being single you will love it. You are rushing in too fast with these men who are love bombing you with lots of attention to get you hooked. Talk to a therapist which will help you so much. Try to love yourself first and put yourself first and just break free from this man now as it will only make you more depressed over time. Sorry to hear you are going through this and only you can change this. So many shitty men out there and you seem very vulnerable as your self esteem is very low.

Contact his wife tell her about the affair that will solve your first problem. How to make the break.

Then work on yourself and try to be alone.

What do you feel bad about is it that three times a man has failed to leave his family for you? If one of them does will it make you feel happy, loved, secure, wanted?

Permanently being second best will do nothing for your self esteem. Meds and counselling might.