Why am I always the other woman

[Pomped]

Can I start by saying I’m in a hugely sad and vulnerable place so if you read this and your reaction is to tell me I’m a vile human being / wannabe homewrecker then it’s nothing I haven’t already felt about myself.

I find myself in a third consecutive relationship (over a 5 year period) where I am the ‘other woman’ to a married man. The pattern keeps repeating itself. The relationships have been of varying lengths (the longest over 2 years and nearly broke me) each time ending in stalemate and a civil relationship with the man. Both men are still vaguely in my social circle but I have no feelings for them any longer.

my own long term relationship (proper! Not affair!) ended several years ago as we ended up more as companions. But there was some overlap with affair no 1 and no 2. Affair partner no 2 was a big part of my relationship breaking down, although I didn’t recognise that at the time.

I now find myself 4 months into a deja vu situation. This man, as have the others, is older, claims his marriage is over (and as a first there are no children involved which I suppose has given me hope). We have had an extremely intense 4 months and I have fallen head over heels. It has genuinely felt like a soulmate situation. He has told me that we will be together but he can’t give a timescale. He’s never going to leave, is he? Over recent days and weeks I’m finding myself more and more frustrated and embarrassed that here I am again, allowing myself to be a bit on the side. Knowing he has social plans with his wife at the weekend and holidays planned. I feel depressed and demoralised. I know I should end this but why do I keep falling in to these traps??? And why am I never ever good enough as the initial promise of me?

Thank you to anyone who has read this ramble.

It can be hard work being a wife,especially if your husband is a bit of a dick. But those dick husbands get fed up with their angry, resentful wives, so they need a low-maintenance, besotted mistress on the side.

It's quite easy to convince a part-time mistress that you're not a dick. Some intense love bombing usually does the trick.

These are not good men. They don't actually think you're awesome. They are only interested in trying to trick you into thinking that THEY are awesome. It is all an ego boost FOR THEM.

Walk away. Be single for a proper length of time.

I can’t have any sympathy with you when you say things like “this pattern keeps repeating itself”. As if you have nothing to do with it. It keeps repeating because you keep making the same choices.

I think you want the ego boost of a man leaving someone else for you and the only thing you are upset about is that you haven’t succeeded yet.

It’s easy, stay away from any man that isn’t single without ties, you can see him most days go away at weekends and holidays.
A man that doesn’t make excuses or tells lies a proper relationship you would enjoy that.

You are the problem, not your learning difficulties if that's what it would be classified as. And I can't believe how kind others are replying to you. You have no moral compass your hurting other women and your on here looking for comfort. I have no compassion for people like you at all. If someone is married you keep a distance or are you looking for a challenge each time? Once could be forgiven but seriously time and time and time again. You sound as if you like the thrill of it all. Sorry to be blunt

Please watch Anna Runkle (crappy childhood fairy) ''why am i destined to be the side chick''.

It is so good. I love anna runkle. I've watched all of her videos and they've really helped solidify new high standards for me.

In the past I accepted being the place holder girlfriend, accepted breadcrumbs, being relegated...... I just accepted shit because I just felt powerless to demand anything better.

Counselling. ASAP.

And stop dating anyone in the meantime.

What you're doing is basically self harm, but it's also got the added negative of contributing to the pain of other people too.

All of that will only make your self esteem worse, making you increasingly likely to make poor decisions and round and round you'll go.

An ex friend of mine who was the OW multiple times with various men realised eventually that she felt coveted when sleeping with married men as she thought "I must be so irresistible if they're willing to risk their marriage for me" but didn't factor in that they weren't risking it at all. They were competent liars who fooled their wives into first thinking they would never cheat, then gaslit them into thinking they were mental, then when finally rumbled called my ex friend a nutter / she was obsessed / she wore me down me and my penis were powerless etc etc.

You need some serious, probably painful at least at first, counselling, to work out the root cause of you remaining in this cycle.

Surely you know pretty early on that they are married, especially if they are in your social circle ? I have a lifelong friend i ahve known since teenage years and we are now in our fifties. She has never had a relationship with a man who wasn't married, in fact she has been sleeping with one for over 30 years now. He will never leave his wife or surely it would have happened by now ? She puts her life on hold for him, drives to the other end of the country for him etc. I just don't understand how anyone can let themselves be treated like this ?

Maybe you like a chase, some excitement, the drama, whatever...

You can analyse it to death, it's what you do that matters. Why is a figment of your or your therapist's imagination.

Step off the roundabout, do some deep breathing and reflection. Doing nothing is also a choice. Think about developing some mental toughness. Why should you put up with sloppy seconds?

I am not predatory. Far from it.

oh she has two!
Probably both worth a watch

I think I do need to work on myself but I’m terrified of being alone

But repeated affairs are just holding you back from meeting an actual partner to be with in order to stop actually being alone.

I always think there can be fewer things lonelier than being the OW on Christmas Day, alone at home, while your affair partner is having a lovely day with his wife and kids.

You are alone at the moment, because a married man shagging you isn't there for you emotionally or physically in a meaningful way.

His priority is his 'real' life. A married (or coupled up) man cannot help you be less alone in any real sense. Just temporarily and on a superficial level at that.

Better to be 'alone' a while longer, stop seeing him entirely (immediately) and instead work on yourself in counselling.

There's no need to keep speaking to him about anything not completely necessary for work.

He would probably (if forced to admit sleeping with you) say that you're mental, obsessed with him, wouldn't leave him alone, have been after him for ages, wore him down etc etc.

They all speak about the OW like that I'm afraid.

Let that knowledge fuel you in stopping this absolute madness.

Neither did I know the wives or have anything to do with them - this was always men I had met at work. And I didn’t drop my knickers at the drop of a hat. All started off as acquaintances and then a text relationship initiated followed by drinks in the pub and the rest is the rest. No, I wasn’t passive, but defiantly not the initiator. But once the attraction was clear I admit I was wrong because I’ve chased the thrill rather than having a better moral high ground. I do recognise my behaviour is destructive, both for others and myself. I’ve pushed away friends due to living a double life at various points. As a consequence I am very lonely and this has just tightened the grip these men at various points have had on me.

thank you for the words of advice and support . I know I have behaved poorly. I want and need to change.

Hi Op.

Firstly - I really really recommend you look on the BACP website for a good psychotherapist. You need to talk all this through with someone who is NON JUDGEMENTAL - and who will gently allow you to pick apart your behaviour patterns.

The fact is - you are choosing this life - again and again. It fits your beliefs about yourself - that you are essentially unloveable and not suitable for commitment - so when you meet men that are fitting that model of relationship you are attracted to them. You share the belief that they perpetuate by telling you you are not good enough to love as a proper partner

Keep saying to yourself 'i am choosing this because.... - and let your mind finish the sentence.

Therapy will be hard - but you can only move forwards - as others have said, looking back is only useful if you don'tbeat yourself up.

With compassion - let go of this man - you know 100 per cent that is what you need to do as a step to a different life.

It's also about fear of commitment - you are choosing these men because it protects you from actually trying to be in a genuine loving relationship

Absolutely this.
men can smell vulnerability a mile off and there is a type that will capitalise on it.

If you need help with things to say to shut things down, ask for help. I know once I was in a situation where a married sleaze was coming on to me but because of the fake friendship he'd been constructing (grooming) I found it really hard to say NO! I kind of got TALKED in to sleeping a man who manipulated, me, shamed me for thinking I deserved better. I did deserve better. No idea why I couldn't have just owned that. YEH I THINK I'm BETTER THAN YOU/this.

You need to break this relationship off. If he loves you, he will come after you.

Do you ever imagine the hurt you are causing??

Just stop doing it. Ultimately you get a thrill / ego boost from thinking you’re better than other women and can steal any man away from his wife. You recognise you have an issue, so why not seek help for it rather than repeating grim patterns?

My parents had raised me to have no visible reaction to being treated very badly. So it was very hard for me to assert myself and believe I had value. Or believe I had the right to consider myself ''too good'' for any shabby situation. No matter how shabby the situation I used to feel not good enough at my core.

I definitely think therapy is great. I have become so much stronger and more accepting of myself.

The 'practice' of self-compassion is scientifically proven to make people stronger. So show yourself kindness and acceptance.

Kirsten Neff phd and Christopher Germer phd have an excellent self-acceptance and self-compassion work book.

You say that you are 'terrified' of being single. That's a recipe for ending up in wrong, or even disastrous, relationships, because you will say Yes to something just to be in a relationship even if it's covered in warning signs.

You need to do some work to understand that single isn't the worst thing in the world, in fact it's a great place to be. I would rather be single than in a bad relationship every time. Why is being single so scary to you? Do you feel you need a man to be complete? Do you need a man for validation and to feel good about yourself? You really need to unpick this as, until you beter understand it, there is a high risk of continuing to make bad relationship decisions.

You thought this last man was 'the one'. If you are looking for 'the one' you would increase your chances immeasurably by not dating married men. Why on earth would you think that someone who is already committed to another woman is 'the one'? If you want to find someone for a grown up, committed, serious relationship, you need to look only at single men (aside from the morality of it all of course).

There are a lot of men in the world. By dating ones who show you they are happy to lie to and cheat on their wives, you are narrowing your field to untrustworthy people.

rather than frame it 'why am I the other woman' - what you need to ask is 'why do I choose unavailable men'

dont think about switching off feelings - that comes second - first thing - how do I set boundaries.

Your boundary is - a man I sleep with must be emotionally available and not in a realtionship with someone else.

The point is anyone can be tricked into going on a date with a married man. But unless there is long term extreme deception involved they don't let it go futher than a date or two.

Didn't you learn the first time round that if a married man starts an affair with you you should never believe whatever rubbish he tells you about his marriage being over?

Make a big resolution that there will be no more relationships with men you meet through work, and certainly no more relationships with married men. If you only find out after you start a relationship that the man is married, walk away and don't believe any promises he makes. Start valuing yourself and realising that being single really isn't a problem. Get yourself some interests and activities outside work, make friends outside work, and enjoy life!

Ultimately the men you are getting involved with are the ones that are in the wrong. You aren’t the one in a committed relationship, deceiving your partner, they are.
If they’re going to lie and cheat on someone they’re in a relationship with they will do the same to you. You deserve better. Make better choices.