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Original poster

Overweight husband

164 replies

Brickys · 27/06/2022 17:27

I have been with my husband for 10 years, married for 6 and we have a 2 year old.

Over the years, he has let himself go. As mean as it sounds saying this, he’s got a huge belly and is now very flabby. I’m just simply not attracted to him anymore.

I want to be, but when I see him naked I just think what on earth has happened. We have sex once a week but I don’t enjoy it and I now fake my orgasms because he does nothing for me anymore and I just want sex to be over and done with.

I have said a few times that we should get back into shape and eat better and exercise more (admittedly, I still have some baby weight I never lost. I was a size 10 and am now a size 12) which has been my way of saying please lose weight, but it lasts 2 days and he’s back to normal. I don’t know what else I can do. I want to be attracted to him and at this point in our marriage in our 30s, I really shouldn’t be having these feelings. I don’t want to be unattracted and turned off by my husband.

Any advice?

OP posts:
Original poster
Brickys · 28/06/2022 10:32

bigspoonlittlespoon · 28/06/2022 09:29

Wow the fat phobia on this thread is real. If my body changed, for whatever reason, I would want someone who would love me anyway. If somebody stopped wanting me because my body had changed, I would realise that they only valued me on superficial grounds and probably were not very good for me in the first place. If this is such a problem for you OP I'd suggest you split up with your husband rather than trying to change him. If you don't love him how he is, you don't love him. You'll both be better off apart.

Oh come on. Using your line of reasoning I guess I must be homophobic too because I’m also not sexually attracted to women.

You can’t help who you’re attracted to, and not being attracted to someone who is on the bigger side is not fatphobic. I don’t expect my husband to be as toned and slim as he was when we first got together, but I don’t expect him to be as big as he is.

OP posts:
Original poster
Brickys · 28/06/2022 10:37

MumbleAlwaysMumble · 28/06/2022 09:25

@Brickys I disagree that @FreshLime story is different from your DH meaning he has no excuses whereas Fresh as one.

You haven’t had a conversation about how he feels in himself about the weight. You dint know why he is eating ‘more junk’ than he was before, how he feels about being a father and the impact having two young children has had on him. I mean, unless he is never at home, never does anything at all with the dcs and has carried in living like he was before children, including spending the same amount of time with you on a 1-1 basis, it WILL have had an impact.

He might have gone through a phase of wanting to exercise but feeling guilty if doing it. He might not feel self concious compare to how he was before. He might e thinking about what he did 5 years ago and feel bad about not being able to do the same so he is avoiding it.

If you want to help him and support him, it will work better by assuming he has his reasons. Consider them good enough because they are HIS rather than assume he is just greedy and lazy and can’t be bothered to look after himself.
Peopoe always do better when they are truly supported rather than judged - and believe me he WILL feel the judgement, probably already has, if this is how you see him.

You’re right, I should talk to him. Him exercising less and eating more badly started pre baby and pre lockdown, but those factors made it a lot worse. We both have very demanding jobs and can often work long hours, so I know there are times you just want to laze around on the sofa, especially now we have a child. And I do think a big part of it is us living together, as when he was living alone he had more alone time and would exercise and take care of himself.

But you’re right, I’ve made assumptions rather than spoken to him about how he feels about it. I need to understand the root cause rather than assume it’s laziness, which it might be, but could also be something else.

OP posts:
TortugaRumCakeQueen · 28/06/2022 10:48

How on earth doesn't he realise, that you are faking your orgasms?

You can OOH and AAH all you like, but without the muscle spasms, surely he must know you're faking it?

HowlongWillThisTakeNow · 28/06/2022 10:49

Brickys · 27/06/2022 22:19

I’m not sure why some posters are blaming me. I’ve never once discouraged him from exercising. When he used to do triathlons and marathons / half marathons I never once had an issue with him training and we would often make a weekend trip to wherever he was doing the event, which meant I would be on my own whilst he did it, and it never bothered me once.

I am also definitely not someone who gets annoyed when he’s not at home. I encourage him to go out and have a social life. He has a weekend away with friends twice a year, leaving me at home alone with DC and I’ve never ever had an issue with that.

So stop projecting your own controlling behaviour on to me please.

Has he made any diet adjustments from the triathlon/ marathon days ?
as a PP pointed out some professional sports players quickly gain weight after stopping playing as they don’t adjust the diet to deal with less exercise/ training/ playing.

DoItAfraid · 28/06/2022 10:54

@Brickys

Please ignore the “arent you a peach” posters - eyeroll.

I am in the same situation as you in that my husband has put on a huge amount of weight in
the course of our 14 year marriage. Combination of comfort eating and also a very sweet tooth and being unable to sit without snacks. He looks nothing like the man I married. This is not a judgement it is a factual statement.

I relate to so many things you mentioned - eg the big belly, impact on sex life (limits positions we can do), seeing him naked and not really enjoying the sight anymore - also the impact on energy levels, the concerns about what food habits are being modelled to our 2 DC - I could go on.

@Brickys my husband is also sensitive and the angle that I took as I was not brave enough to mention the attraction issues was to express my (genuine) concern about his health. I was really lucky that the GP supported my concerns (no
manipulation on my part) but essentially in a very clinical manner told my husband the true impact of excess weight on his health and life expectancy.

This has been game changing for us - my husband has made earnest and tangible steps to lose weight and me witnessing his efforts has really helped me re: attraction. I am so proud of him.

Just sharing and empathising. Perhaps you could frame a sensitive conversation in that way? Good luck with it all.

FemmeNatal · 28/06/2022 11:15

Brickys · 27/06/2022 18:35

I know it’s bad to be so superficial, but I want to still be turned on by my husband. Is that so wrong?

Show quote history

It’s not bad at all to want your husband to take care of himself and get in better shape, it’s perfectly reasonable and acceptable.

Lots of people (most, I think) do find it hard to make the lifestyle changes needed to return to and maintain a healthy weight, so he’s going to need support and practical help to get there.

I don’t really know the best way to talk about the issue, but planning meals together and starting off gently with some exercise is a good way to start. Getting him a fitness band, and aiming to do 10,000 steps a day could set him off down the right path without making it too unpleasant.

FemmeNatal · 28/06/2022 11:18

Loveisnotloving · 27/06/2022 19:10

There was murder last week here on a thread where the roles were reversed and a man had suggested he and his wife lose weight so they could fancy each other again. People went absolutely BATSHIT saying you should want to have sex with someone whether they were fat or not and we were all Shallow Hal's.

I am with you OP, I would never want to have sex with my husband if he put on a shitload of weight. Absolutely not.

The impression some posters give is that we should actually be celebrating their obesity and that anyone who’s not fat should just stay silent.

MumbleAlwaysMumble · 28/06/2022 12:22

Brickys · 28/06/2022 10:37

You’re right, I should talk to him. Him exercising less and eating more badly started pre baby and pre lockdown, but those factors made it a lot worse. We both have very demanding jobs and can often work long hours, so I know there are times you just want to laze around on the sofa, especially now we have a child. And I do think a big part of it is us living together, as when he was living alone he had more alone time and would exercise and take care of himself.

But you’re right, I’ve made assumptions rather than spoken to him about how he feels about it. I need to understand the root cause rather than assume it’s laziness, which it might be, but could also be something else.

Show quote history

Kudos to you there.

Its not easy to change your view point.

HangingOver · 28/06/2022 12:30

I think you need to be honest OP.

Number one, you shouldn't have to have sex and fake it with someone you don't fancy, it'll lead to resentment.

Number two if I know men thinking he'll get laid more will be a much bigger motivation that "health reasons".

Chesneyhawkes1 · 28/06/2022 13:22

YANBU. I wouldn't fancy my husband either if he got fat.

I'd try approach it from the health aspect too. Maybe he needs to enter a race like he used to do. Give him a goal and something to train for etc.

Psychgrad · 28/06/2022 13:54

I think you need to be honest but not too honest. Make it about health maybe instead of appearance but I would throw in that you make an effort to stay in shape and so should he. Sit him down and say it to him in a serious conversation rather than nagging. I feel this way with my husband sometimes, he makes no effort to stay in shape but is just lucky that he has an active job, there’s been times like during lockdown where he was much less active and out of work. He put on lots of weight and made no effort to make up for the fact that he was less active in the pandemic. It’s infuriating and selfish for a husband or wife to just become overweight with no regard for their partners

Original poster
Brickys · 28/06/2022 16:22

Thank you. There’s a lot for me to think about here.

OP posts:
DoItAfraid · 29/06/2022 02:18

FreshLime · 27/06/2022 21:02

I love your approach @HyggeandTea That’s amazing.

I put on 5 stone after falling pregnant with our youngest DC. I went from a size 8 to 16. My husband was horrible about it!!

He worked the longest hours and was zero percent support when we had 2 toddlers and a baby and a new house that needed a renovation. No family support, bereavement, an abortion when I accidentally fell pregnant. I remember being totally exhausted and eating the little ones’ food, as well as our own dinner. Then I survived on sugar, caffeine and snacks to get through the exhaustion. I quite literally ate my feelings.

My husband was very critical about what I was eating. He was also very restrictive about what he bought at the supermarket when he did the food shops a couple of times a week. It was almost like he thought that not having junk in the house meant I wouldn’t eat junk… well, I just ate excessive junk when he wasn’t around, as our house became devoid of treats of any kind!

He made some comments about how I looked and I started hiding my body in baggier clothes. I only used the bathroom or changed when he wasn’t in the room. He didn’t want sex at all and the impact of all of this on my self esteem was catastrophic. The sadder I felt, the more I ate.

Then one day I said something about an opportunity to be intimate (light hearted comment making light of a rare and exciting child free evening) and he said “I just don’t find you attractive”.

6 little words, but it was like being punched in the stomach.

I’ve never forgiven him for that. Those words can never been erased from my mind.

I’ve since lost a huge amount of that weight. I’m down to a size 10. I’ve always had a nice face, great skin, lovely hair. Now I’m starting to feel really good about my whole self again. Ive bought new clothes, new underwear. I’m taking care of my waxing, mani/pedi etc. I’ve done this transformation myself.

He broke my heart. He’ll never be able to do that again, as I’ve switched myself off to him. I have no interest in physical intimacy with him, although I do find my libido is sky rocketing generally. He’s still my husband, because I don’t want to be without my children every second weekend. Nor do I want them to have a stepmother whilst they’re young!

The best thing he could have done during my heaviest time, when I was so low emotionally, would have been to give me the gift of sleep and rest. And to love me. All of me. With words and also physically with touch and sex. I reckon I wouldn’t have sunk into a dangerous territory of binge eating then. Instead of feeling supported, I felt unloved by his rejection. He should have surrounded me in love instead.

I hope you find a way through this OP. Be kind, even if you leave your marriage.

@FreshLime 💐💐💐💐💐💐

Mysteriousnotice · 29/06/2022 08:12

You mentioned triathlons. See if he wants to enter anything early next year so that's a good target.
At the end of the day far is unhealthy and if he's done triathlons he will know this. Might help him feel more confident with a target to aim for.
Alternatively, you get a bike and get out together. Stick baby in seat and off you go.
Good luck!

HowlongWillThisTakeNow · 29/06/2022 09:13

Loveisnotloving · 27/06/2022 19:10

There was murder last week here on a thread where the roles were reversed and a man had suggested he and his wife lose weight so they could fancy each other again. People went absolutely BATSHIT saying you should want to have sex with someone whether they were fat or not and we were all Shallow Hal's.

I am with you OP, I would never want to have sex with my husband if he put on a shitload of weight. Absolutely not.

There certainly does seem to be an element of this,
if a husband even suggests the something makes his wife unattractive (to him), he gets verbally hung, drawn and quartered, whereas if a wife makes the same remark the husband is just supposed to shut up and be happy that the wife has not already left him about it.

houseonthehill · 29/06/2022 10:49

Unless the OP misspoke when talking about his weight, she did say that he wasn't obese.

totallyimperfect · 10/08/2022 18:41

I searched this subject as im in the same situation. Been with my husband 20 years and love him but don’t fancy him at all, he’s started buying clothes that just got him rather than what he likes. We’ve talked about his weight before from a health perspective but he still doesn’t do anything and laughs it off. I worry that he will never be able to sort it and whilst I love him our relationship slowly dies as there is no physical side and hasn’t been for 2 years.
love and sexual attraction can exist separately but surely you’re allowed and need both for a healthy relationship?!
didn’t help that I had a good work friend say she was shocked when she saw my husband, she said it in a nicer way and I defended him but know he can and we can be so much happier but am at a loss how to handle the communication and to be honest without being mean.

PeacefulPottering · 11/08/2022 00:32

Your OP has ridiculously got bogged down with the usual, we have to accept our partners weight regardless. No. No we don't. I put on two stone after having children. It was inevitable. I bore two kids and in the early years didn't have time for myself and excersise. I , me , I decided I didn't want to feel shit everytime I got dressed, I felt awful, I felt unhealthy and unattractive.
My partner ( still) must have seen my body but the secret here is " I felt shit" being overweight isn't a thing to be proud of, it leads to diabetes, heart problems, cancer.
What is so wrong with trying to impress your loved one ? Surely that's what we do initially? Why does it have to go because you are married with children?

PeacefulPottering · 11/08/2022 00:36

And just to add to the weight Nazis, my Husband still loved me and wanted sex. It was ME , I felt unattractive, unhealthy and that is why I lost weight, not for him , for ME

fallfallfall · 11/08/2022 00:38

@totallyimperfect might be best to start you're own thread. otherwise the suggestions will not be directed towards you but instead people will pull up all the OP's posts and reply to her.

PeacefulPottering · 11/08/2022 00:47

Surely we are replying to the original Op??

Mulhollandmagoo · 11/08/2022 01:11

Brickys · 27/06/2022 19:08

I wish I was brave, but he is such a sensitive and gentle man that I know it would hurt him. I know it would destroy him if he knew I felt this way.

You could initially go at it from the being worried about his health perspective of you don't want to hurt his feelings? Kinda gives you a little get out of jail free card whilst still bringing it to his attention

fallfallfall · 11/08/2022 01:57

@PeacefulPottering the thread is two months old and resurrected by @totallyimperfect

PeacefulPottering · 11/08/2022 02:04

I don't think bringing it up with him would be useful. Would you want your partner, the one who is supposed to fancy you tell you ,you are overweight and I don't find that attractive? It would destroy most people's self esteem.
My take on being overweight was just lose it fo me.
Ask him OP if he feels healthy?
You don't have to be stick thin, that's not what I think you posted about? It's about being healthy, fit, can have a sex life without a massive, flabby belly getting in the way. I think that's what you originally posted about. It's about you each other found each other sexually attracted. A big belly does get in the way with sex if you are not used to it. I'm sorry but it does.

PeacefulPottering · 11/08/2022 02:07

Oh! Okay sorry ❤️