Overweight husband

[Brickys]

I have been with my husband for 10 years, married for 6 and we have a 2 year old.

Over the years, he has let himself go. As mean as it sounds saying this, he’s got a huge belly and is now very flabby. I’m just simply not attracted to him anymore.

I want to be, but when I see him naked I just think what on earth has happened. We have sex once a week but I don’t enjoy it and I now fake my orgasms because he does nothing for me anymore and I just want sex to be over and done with.

I have said a few times that we should get back into shape and eat better and exercise more (admittedly, I still have some baby weight I never lost. I was a size 10 and am now a size 12) which has been my way of saying please lose weight, but it lasts 2 days and he’s back to normal. I don’t know what else I can do. I want to be attracted to him and at this point in our marriage in our 30s, I really shouldn’t be having these feelings. I don’t want to be unattracted and turned off by my husband.

Any advice?

[gwenneh]

He has to want to change, and then actually make a change, and sustain it -- none of that can come from you.

If your actions did not cause him to gain weight, then your actions will not cause him to lose weight. Unless you think he's not capable of understanding the potential health risks, he's aware of them and is ignoring them.

If you don't fancy him, be honest about it. No one should be forced to have sex with a person they don't fancy. Just recognise that there could be fallout that ends your relationship, as he may want to find someone who does fancy him.

[Loveisnotloving]

@DeadbeatYoda

If say that if you only found him attractive because of surface matters then set him free and let him find someone that finds him attractive for what's on the inside.

And just like magic the usual shite appears.....

[edel2]

@thelastshadowpuppet

Well aren't you a peach op.

Imagine if this was posted by a man.

Aren't you a peach yourself 🍑

Ignore OP 🤣

[NoSquirrels]

You need to approach it from the angle of health. That you’re concerned he will be storing up health problems if he doesn’t look at his weight - belly fat being a big issue for indicators of heart problems. He’s a husband and a father, he needs to be healthy to stick around!

I have said a few times that we should get back into shape and eat better and exercise more (admittedly, I still have some baby weight I never lost. I was a size 10 and am now a size 12) which has been my way of saying please lose weight, but it lasts 2 days and he’s back to normal.

Having had that health-focused conversation, you then need to commit to changes yourself, which will encourage him to stick with it. You need to do what you want him to do - eat healthy, make time for exercise, etc. You need to lead by example. Make it a real couple commitment, a project between you.

[edel2]

@DeadbeatYoda

If say that if you only found him attractive because of surface matters then set him free and let him find someone that finds him attractive for what's on the inside.

Yes because in the real world physical attraction means nothing.

Like mother of GOD. 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫

[edel2]

@Dsisproblem

I agree. Approach it from a health perspective. That's kinder and also important!

Yes!! 🙌🏻

[Whybot]

What would it take for you to decide to join a group like Slimming World or Weight watchers ? If he sees your healthier body/ cholesterol result / etc he might join you. Also at least the nights you’re cooking it’ll be healthier. But yes the big question is why has he got into his eating habits . Good luck . X

[Jjones8]

Don’t buy unhealthy snacks eg cakes, biscuits, chocolate, sweets, crisps. Have healthy convenient snacks in eg fruit, rice cakes. Do sport together eg cycling, walking, running, swimming, golf. Does he have any friends he can play sports with? Overhaul the food you eat - get it super healthy! Try to make it feel like a positive thing.

[Jjones8]

I disagree with those who have said to tell him you don’t fancy him. That’s going to be so hurtful and possibly do permanent damage to your relationship.

[OnaBegonia]

The PP slating OP are ridiculous and likely overweight themselves, it's perfectly normal to lose the attraction for someone f they drastically change in appearance as it's physical appearance that initially attracts us to someone.

[Loveisnotloving]

@OnaBegonia

The PP slating OP are ridiculous and likely overweight themselves, it's perfectly normal to lose the attraction for someone f they drastically change in appearance as it's physical appearance that initially attracts us to someone.

This.

[dolphinsarentcommon]

Well said @OnaBegonia

[YouAreNotBatman]

I’m suprised people are callin op shallow.
Just last week there was a woman who was asking about her husband not liking her anymore, because of her weight gain.
People were telling her she was wrong, should lose weight and if not accept he may want a divorce.

So man can get fat, but women can’t?

[Thejoyfulstar]

Seriously, what Twilight Zone am I in? This exact situation was posted recently, where the husband told a woman he wanted her to lose weight. The replies said the husband was shallow, that anyone who didn't want to have sex with a fat person was fat phobic, that he probably wasn't much to look and other incredibly derogatory comments about him. Which is it?!

[rwalker]

How overweight are we talking

[HyggeandTea]

Difficult. My partner put on a lot of weight and was properly fat (around 6 stone overweight). I reassured him how much I loved him, we had lots of sex (his personality didn't change and my imagination could do the rest), but I told him how concerned I was for his health (because I was). After a couple of false starts, he got the health and exercise bug and a year later is so hot we could use him to heat the house! I'm now the one who needs to lose a few lbs. 😬He tells me how much he loves me and we have lots of sex still (deja vu) 😁

He looks back at photos of how he was and says he hated being that fat. We walk a lot together, dance (badly) try out healthy meals (Pinch of Nom is a great family cookbook) and keep the treats for special occasions. We worked hard to make sure he didn't get hungry, that food was still a pleasure and nothing was banned. (Huge chopped salads, veg portions and homemade soups to fill up at meal times, and I can make a healthy Full English that is almost saintly!)

Losing weight is hard work, but it doesn't have to miserable.

[Aquamarine1029]

@thelastshadowpuppet

Well aren't you a peach op.

Imagine if this was posted by a man.

🙄

[Chattycathydoll]

@HyggeandTea

Difficult. My partner put on a lot of weight and was properly fat (around 6 stone overweight). I reassured him how much I loved him, we had lots of sex (his personality didn't change and my imagination could do the rest), but I told him how concerned I was for his health (because I was). After a couple of false starts, he got the health and exercise bug and a year later is so hot we could use him to heat the house! I'm now the one who needs to lose a few lbs. 😬He tells me how much he loves me and we have lots of sex still (deja vu) 😁

He looks back at photos of how he was and says he hated being that fat. We walk a lot together, dance (badly) try out healthy meals (Pinch of Nom is a great family cookbook) and keep the treats for special occasions. We worked hard to make sure he didn't get hungry, that food was still a pleasure and nothing was banned. (Huge chopped salads, veg portions and homemade soups to fill up at meal times, and I can make a healthy Full English that is almost saintly!)

Losing weight is hard work, but it doesn't have to miserable.

OT perhaps but your relationship sounds lovely! What a heartwarming post!

[cottagegardenflower]

Tell him you don't really want to have sex with him as you don't find fat attractive, but you will continue for his sake, but don't fake interest or orgasms. His male pride will hopefully take hit and he will change his habits. Just be honest.

[ThirtyThreeTrees]

Personally, think there's a cut off point where weight gain, results in people finding partners unattractive. Most people cope easily with a stone but when it goes beyond that, it changes.

I used to work in life and health insurance and I estimate at least half of the people who used to apply for cover wanted it and hald used it as an opener for a discussion on health and weight!

If you don't think you can say it directly, do you think you can try the healthy parents, general fitness conversation. He'll know what you mean without having to be blunt.

I know mumsnet says you should be attracted to your partner no matter what. I even hate it when my partner grows a beard! Don't think you are being unreasonable at all

[cottagegardenflower]

As for the health thing, yes try it, but some people are just not interested.

[Paq]

Is he overweight or obese? I think you need to be straight with him. He's neither healthy nor attractive. You will absolutely kill your marriage if you force yourself to have sex with him. Does he want to set a good example for his DC?

Stop buying junk food. Ultra processed food is the no.1 enemy.

[NC12345665]

@cottagegardenflower

Tell him you don't really want to have sex with him as you don't find fat attractive, but you will continue for his sake, but don't fake interest or orgasms. His male pride will hopefully take hit and he will change his habits. Just be honest.

Everyone on here always say shame doesn't help them lose weight.

[westcountryfaithful]

Love how no one mentions lockdown and having a new baby. Aren’t they likely to be major factors?

No one wants to be fat (imo). Encourage him to talk about it and frame it as a phase in his life he needs now to move away from.

[Badger1970]

If you love him, you need to be honest. Don't tiptoe around his feelings - you've got mirrors in the house, he will know what he looks like.

You don't need to be brutal, there is a kind way but it's better said out loud for both your sakes. The only issue then is if he decides to carry on over eating...........