DH and work colleague - am I being naive?

[Solihull1990]

Not sure what the right way to feel is - this is quite long, but I want to set the scene because I’m really not sure. 

I’ve been with DH for 10 years. We’ve had tricky moments along the way, but generally a happy and settled relationship, and we have a 12 month old son. 

DH has a busy job, and he works long hours. I’d forgotten quite how busy he was pre-pandemic - although he’s stayed just as busy over the last couple of years, being able to see him in the morning and at lunch and evenings etc has made him feel much more present. He’s started going back to work half the week, and when he’s gone it’s long hours and in his job there’s regularly an obligation to attend dinners / drinks etc. This has always been the case and I don’t mind - he’s a really present parent when he’s home and the division works for us. 

however, for the last 6 months or so, DH has been on a busy project in work. It’s meant regularly really late nights (home at midnight), and nights away from home. 

a few months ago, DH messaged me at about midnight saying a female colleague was struggling to get home due to a tube strike, and asked if she could stay in our spare room. I of course said yes - I didn’t know this colleague but if she was stranded then it made sense. I was in bed before they got home, but left out some toiletries and bits for her in the spare room. She stayed the night, but was gone before I got up in the morning. 

Last week, DH went out for a business dinner, and returned home late after I’d gone to bed. I woke up, and heard him on the phone, clearly really drunk. He was clearly speaking to a woman, and was saying how much he missed her and how much he liked her, and how he couldn’t wait to see her. There was some vague discussion about a photo she'd sent him but I couldn't tell the context. 

I knew there was no point discussing it when he was in that state, but I brought it up the next morning. He immediately apologised, and said he was talking to the colleague that stayed at our house. He said they were both really drunk and it was just a stupid conversation. She’s also married (he says happily), and he’s adamant there was nothing more to it. he loves me and our son and is really sorry. 

there were no changes in his behaviour before or since, or nothing to indicate there is anything more to this. I can’t see this is a reason to throw away my family for a stupid phone call, but I’m also worried I’m being stupid.

You're not being stupid. He fancies her. Good that you brought it up with him as it might stop him from trying to take it further.

Did you ask to see this photo? Ask to look at his phone to see the message exchange between them?

The fact they were drunk means they were just both letting their guard down. There has to be something there. Plenty of people get drunk and don't flirt because they know it's still wrong.

Regardless of wether there is anything going on, regardless of the alcohol consumed, it's completely unacceptable either way.

I think you need to be firmer here op. You don't have to throw your family away but you do have to stand up for your self. Don't be a doormat!

I would 100% be throwing the relationship away for a phone call, if that is even all it is. He at the very least is having an emotional affair. He even had the cheek of it to have her stay in your home under your nose out of the goodness of your heart. I'd be furious.

I think if you stay with him, he will continue to pursue this woman. She obviously likes him too, otherwise would not be crossing this boundary. If physical hasn't happened already, it is a matter of time until it did.

If he isn't willing to be honest & open about the severity or nature of the affair, there is no hope for working through his infidelity. He is continuing to lie and downplay it so he can continue to do it.

I can understand , having a kid and loving him, you are likely to want to give him another chance. Do it if you have too, but I am confident it won't be the last time.

They sound like they're having an emotional affair.

He's a right brass necked fucker, isnt he? bringing her back to stay at your house.

What do you mean by "ups and downs"?

Posters on here with poorly behaved or cheating partners always seem tk sat thinfs like that, if they elaborate there generally been bad behavior abd red flags, which the poster has continued committing in spite of.

Oh and you wouldn't be throwing away anything; since you are not the person who has (at the very best) acted totally u appropriately in a monogamous relationship with a child involved.

Thats the old classic "i can cheat, but if you leave, you're the one who's throwing away our relationship and family". Pull the other one.

Ask yourself what he'd be doing if you were the one caught saying those things to your male work colleague, who you'd even had back at his home. I think he'd be very interested in this photo you'd exchanged too.

If he's like most men, he'd be out the door. But different rules for women eh.

She’s also married (he says happily)

She's not.

Otherwise she wouldn't be remotely entertaining conversations like that with another nan, let alone sending him the photo of her that they were going on about.

Well, to be accurate, may e she is happily married .... but a happily married cheater. There are plenty of those around.

Would she be so happily married if her husband knew she'd sent her male colleague photos of herself, or had overheard that emotional, loved dovey conversation between her and your partner? Doubt it.

You’ve got an affair brewing right under your nose @Solihull1990 . They either planning on or already slept with each other.

I’d not have my husband falling in love for other woman - he either cuts all contact with her or your marriage is over.

saying how much he missed her and how much he liked her, and how he couldn’t wait to see her. There was some vague discussion about a photo she'd sent him

Also just a side point; she's a c u next tues for (at the very least) entertaining conversations like that from the partner or a woman who kindly welcomed her into her home, left out toiletries for her etc.

They sound like a pair of bastards, abd you sound too nice &soft.

I think he depends on you being nice, side and "naive". He thinks he can pull the wool over your eyes.

I'd be done. Drink makes the truth come out, not bullshit. The truth is what you heard and under these circumstances, just no.

Sorry, I think you're being super naive. Ask to see the photo and the messages around it. Or better still, look at his phone when he's in the shower. I've been with DH for 14 years, I've been drunk hundreds of times since we married....amazingly, I've managed to not have any late night flirtatious conversations with male colleagues in all that time. Funny how it wasn't Dave from Accounts that needed the spare room, or a late night call, isn't it?

I’d suspect he is having or trying to have a relationship with the woman he was calling. But, I’m not convinced it is the colleague he brought back. It could be but she might just be a patsy or a diversion because he clearly lied about the conversation. I could see him lying about who he was talking to as well.

Anyway even if you believe his version, he is guilty of sexually harassing a work colleague. That should give you the ick even if the affair doesn’t.

Thanks everyone, that’s so helpful.

my problem is that he hasn’t gone on the defensive of minimised it. He’s said it was really stupid and embarrassing and that he would be devastated if I’d done the same.

he’s adamant there’s nothing more to it so I don’t know what to do. We can’t keep having the same convo in circles - him saying sorry and accepting he’s a total idiot, and me saying I’m so hurt. Is this really something to leave over - what if the call was really all it was? :(

No doubt his tack if pressed will be "can't I even have friends? Can't I have work friends? .... she was going through at work etc time at work and I was just supporting her .... you are paranoid and jealous and controlling!".

Make yourself a bingo sheet and mark them off when he says them.

Also he said the photo was something to do with her visiting a city related to their work project or something. I’m not sure. I haven’t asked to see the photo or the convo. I don’t know why but I can’t bring myself to. We’ve never been that couple that searches through phones or checks up. I can’t imagine descending to that!

I'm really sorry OP, but he's already sleeping with her.

You don't tell someone you 'miss them' and 'can't wait to see them' if it hasn't already started.

He’s said it was really stupid and embarrassing

Stupid.

It wasn't stupid, he knew what he was doing. He's playing dumb.

And you don't have conversations like that pit of the blue, even drunk. It's clearly built up between them.

Wow ! I'm going against everyone here
I am currently on leave but I say I miss people and can't wait to see them , male and female from work

We’ve never been that couple that searches through phones or checks up. I can’t imagine descending to that!

No-one in a good relationship should have to.

Unfortunately this is infidelity (to some extent) on his part, and therfore its no longer a good relationship from both sides.

You wouldn't be descending to find out, bit I think they'll fake something now they've been caught out.

I'm sorry op, but its not like your being randomly jealous or controlling spying on him. He has given you reason to believe he is cheating on you

It seems you'd rather ignore what is right in front of your eyes so you can continue your "happy family" what I don't know can't hurt me etc. Which imo is stupid.

You'd be best to find out if what he is telling you is true, do they have an inappropriate relationship for a while, does anything indicate they've had sex etc etc.

If he is telling the truth, maybe you can fix it. (Unlikely)

But what if he is lying to you still? He very well could be downplaying the severity of the affair.

People don't check their partners phones due to trust
He has broken that trust. Your well within your right to look into it to find out the truth.

I'd not want to waste any more time with a man who is okay disrespecting me, cheating , lying, taking me for a fool.

I think you need to be firmer. Ask to see the photo and the messages between them. I think the marriage is already on very shaky ground now as the trust has been blown.

And what an absolutely cheeky fucker she is to sleep IN YOUR HOUSE after you were so nice leaving stuff out for her and then flirt with your bloody husband!!! What a fucking cheek!

Obviously he is an absolute dick too but Christ on a bike I’d be furious!

Had he been out with her that night and was ringing her after leaving her, or was she away in this 'city' and had sent a photo of herself from there, hence the phone call to discuss it etc?

I can't imagine saying how much I like someone, miss them and can't wait to see them, and it coming from a completely platonic place. How does he explain that? Telling you he is an idiot is not an explanation - how does he actually feel about her?

was saying how much he missed her and how much he liked her, and how he couldn’t wait to see her

This would be the end, for me. I couldn't overhear my partner talking like that to someone and simultaneously feel trusting of them.

Op you need to ask to see his phone. You are afraid because of either his reaction or what you might find.

If he's deleted the conversation/pictures/phone log he's guilty.

If he goes all defensive - he's guilty.

Actually if it were me and it was somehow all purely innocent, I'd be showing you my phone as proof that there was nothing going on!

I had a similar experience with my exH. He was absolutely adamant that there was nothing to it and she was just a friend. I asked to see his phone and his face just dropped. He refused, he said he wasn't having me invade his privacy 😂

The truth was written all over him. I've never found out the truth, I don't need to now. His reaction told me enough.

Do you tell them how much you like them, too? He was telling her 'I really like you'. That's what sets it apart for me, as well as the fact they'd not long seen each other. Would you tell a colleague you missed them when you'd seen them recently?

If, giving him the benefit of the doubt, there has been inappropriate flirtation/conversation but it hasn't gone any further and this has been a 'wake up' call for him to stop it and recognise what he could have lost.

Then I would approach the conversation from a different angle - he has recognised that this was inappropriate and not acceptable, therefore what action is he going to take to ensure that it doesn't happen again and to show you that he has recognised how upset it has made you and taken responsibility for not putting himself or you in that situation again. So it's not you telling him he can't see her/must cease contact etc but you're asking him what he is going to do.

If his response is to just dismiss it and say oh it won't happen again and to carry on as previously then I would be very concerned that there is more going on and that he will just try harder not to get caught. But if he offers sensible solutions and shows you he is sticking by them then it may have been a one off mistake - and we're all human and can do that. It's what he does about it which will show you if trust can be rebuilt.