DH and work colleague - am I being naive?

[Solihull1990]

Not sure what the right way to feel is - this is quite long, but I want to set the scene because I’m really not sure. 

I’ve been with DH for 10 years. We’ve had tricky moments along the way, but generally a happy and settled relationship, and we have a 12 month old son. 

DH has a busy job, and he works long hours. I’d forgotten quite how busy he was pre-pandemic - although he’s stayed just as busy over the last couple of years, being able to see him in the morning and at lunch and evenings etc has made him feel much more present. He’s started going back to work half the week, and when he’s gone it’s long hours and in his job there’s regularly an obligation to attend dinners / drinks etc. This has always been the case and I don’t mind - he’s a really present parent when he’s home and the division works for us. 

however, for the last 6 months or so, DH has been on a busy project in work. It’s meant regularly really late nights (home at midnight), and nights away from home. 

a few months ago, DH messaged me at about midnight saying a female colleague was struggling to get home due to a tube strike, and asked if she could stay in our spare room. I of course said yes - I didn’t know this colleague but if she was stranded then it made sense. I was in bed before they got home, but left out some toiletries and bits for her in the spare room. She stayed the night, but was gone before I got up in the morning. 

Last week, DH went out for a business dinner, and returned home late after I’d gone to bed. I woke up, and heard him on the phone, clearly really drunk. He was clearly speaking to a woman, and was saying how much he missed her and how much he liked her, and how he couldn’t wait to see her. There was some vague discussion about a photo she'd sent him but I couldn't tell the context. 

I knew there was no point discussing it when he was in that state, but I brought it up the next morning. He immediately apologised, and said he was talking to the colleague that stayed at our house. He said they were both really drunk and it was just a stupid conversation. She’s also married (he says happily), and he’s adamant there was nothing more to it. he loves me and our son and is really sorry. 

there were no changes in his behaviour before or since, or nothing to indicate there is anything more to this. I can’t see this is a reason to throw away my family for a stupid phone call, but I’m also worried I’m being stupid.

He was clearly speaking to a woman, and was saying how much he missed her and how much he liked her, and how he couldn’t wait to see her. There was some vague discussion about a photo she'd sent him but I couldn't tell the context. I knew there was no point discussing it when he was in that state, but I brought it up the next morning. He immediately apologised, and said he was talking to the colleague that stayed at our house

Fucking hell OP. The bloody cheek of him. He's taking you for an absolute fool. This is not the behaviour of someone who respects, values, and loves his partner. He wants some thrills on the side and if you hadn't overheard this conversation, I wouldn't be surprised if this turned into him having sex with her, or a proper affair (since he's already strayed into inappropriate territory).

He said they were both really drunk and it was just a stupid conversation

No sorry. Fuck that. You can't let 'because he was drunk' start to become an excuse. 'Sorry my my dick accidently fell in her because I was drunk' will be the next line, or the pathetic 'One thing led to another'.

OP, do you think your husband would speak like this to a woman in her 60s, that is not even remotely his type? UNLIKELY. This inappropriate behaviour always happens with attractive women, the same age or younger. It doesn't matter if they are married or not. Sometimes the fact the other woman is attached adds to the trill, and they are both in the same position.

I can’t see this is a reason to throw away my family for a stupid phone call, but I’m also worried I’m being stupid

I sympathise, and I understand why you'd need to think very carefully about your next steps, but I think if you remained with him after this, you will be sacrificing some self-respect in order to keep the peace.

Red flags went up for me as soon as the OP mentioned late nights, and nights away for the last 6 months.
Sorry OP - you need to get this sorted asap. Serious talking ahead.
(and look up 'the script' so you are forewarned)

I don't agree that wanting to see the convo to confirm that what he's saying is true automatically means the relationship is dead. OP has a valid reason for not trusting her husband in this moment, and he has every reason for wanting to do everything in his power to make her feel safe in the relationship.

Now, if it turns into a thing where you're feeling you have to repeatedly or continually monitor his phone, yes, that is the kind of thing that will kill a relationship.

OP has a valid reason for not trusting her husband in this moment

Yup. A good solid reason that makes sense, that he gave to her. That's exactly what I mean.

I think his little phone convo already created the lack of trust to be honest. Of course we trust our partners, until they do something that makes us think 'whoa! hold on a second.'

You don’t have to worry about ‘no trust no love’ as you already don’t trust him, and he’s the one who crossed the line. You might as well push for the whole truth now.

Ive read too many threads on MN where women got suspicious purely based on the change in behaviour of their DH, and when they pressed, it turned out they husnands were having full blown affairs.

You’ve got much more than that already, the phone calls, working late, work trips etc. He wants you to bury your head in the sand and not dwell on it too much. Please, don’t give him the satisfaction, keep the pressure on - as I said, the trust is already gone. Choosing not to investigate it further won’t make it come back.

I’m sorry but I’d actually be surprised if they haven’t slept with each other.

I think that's BS about the phone. There's nothing wrong with knowing what you are dealing with and how bad it is (or not) as people will never actually amit to anything if they don't have to. I too would be keeping quiet as if it's all forgotten then doing lots of snooping for a few weeks. Either you will uncover something or there will be nothing - hopefuly this will have been a warning shot if he hasn't crossed the line.

I think you are so behind the ball you have no idea. Me think he had an affair, then he tried to break up, he cannot stand the break up, or she tried to break up. That is why he was drunk. Confront him and if he does not come clean there is not really a chance going forward. But nothing happened ? Then we live on mars and our weeks have 4 Thursdays...

Tricky situation.

I would be really upset if I overheard that call.

I don't think I would leave him right away, but I would definitely need more answers.

I would ask to see the conversation between them and the picture.

I agree with PP about asking to see the conversation and the picture, however I have a feeling he's deleted the picture and possibly the conversations that they've had

I agree with this.

I also think his reaction would have been different if he was actually having a full-blown affair. If he was already sleeping with her the reaction you would have got would have been anger and defensiveness, probably blaming your marriage for his actions and accusing you of not trusting him. He would have turned the tables because that is what guilty people do.

His response tells me there is ‘something’ going on in terms of a friendship that is at risk of spilling over into something but possibly hasn’t done so yet.

Be absolutely clear about what you need. Tell him. Make sure he knows that he is at a very real risk of losing his marriage if this carries on. You do not need this drama. See what he does.

In the meantime, build up your life and your support network. Keep friends and family close to you.

for you. This is not your fault.

Be strong and look through the phone and see the photo OP. It’ll show you what you need to see because so far you’re pretending that it’s all going to be fine, and he just needs a ‘consequence’ like a slightly naughty child.

The phone call, bringing her to stay over, and his late nights back from work are all evidence of his affair. Sorry OP, you are being quite naive to consider there’s a reasonable explanation for all this.

If this "photo" was nothing too bad, then he shouldn't have a problem showing you. I bet it's mysteriously been deleted though. It's tricky, I would say everything stops from here and if he even puts a foot wrong again, he's out. It is a miserable existence being with someone if you're always wondering what they're up to and who with. Better to either forgive and move on, or cut loose now. Anywhere in the middle will not be pleasant

Typical hysterical mumsnet LTB over a few details.

op , no one here knows whether this was a stupid drunk mistake ( God knows I’ve had a few ) or they are having an affair or about to.

Those of you insisting they are sleeping together should be ashamed of yourselves.

mumsnet relationships board can be a nasty, dangerous place

@Tigertigertigertiger Wholeheartedly agree!

OP, if he really is sorry, HE needs to do the legwork to make you feel you're in a loving, trusting relationship.

He should have offered his phone if he has nothing to hide, and his social media messaging (including LinkedIn). This is all on him, not you

I wouldn’t be ending the relationship but I would be telling him that it wouldn’t be appropriate for him to be in touch with the woman in anyway going forwards (outside of the needs must of actual work) and that clearly you’re going to be on high alert for some time, perhaps years now, so he’ll need to be super transparent and open with you with his comings and going - including, yes, handing his phone over for you to check he has been doing what he said he will. If nothing else just to reassure you - he’s broken the trust at the end of the day and if that’s the worst he has to put up with then that’s not too bad is it, assuming there is nothing for you to find.

If he was already sleeping with her the reaction you would have got would have been anger and defensiveness, probably blaming your marriage for his actions and accusing you of not trusting him. He would have turned the tables because that is what guilty people do

Unless he was the kind of calculating bastard who liked a bit of Machiavellian drama, such as inviting your affair partner to stay in the spare room after a date. His reaction sounds like a double bluff to me and after overhearing that conversation, I'd trust him about as far as I could throw him.

As my dear old mum used to say "if you think a man might be lying, he is" or words to that effect!

I don't agree that this shows signs of emotional affair. Marriage is long and sometimes you can have a someone unexpected, like a collegue, turn your head for a week or two. That's normal, right? I for sure experience this from time to time, I experience it like brief infatuation. I know it's not indicative of real feelings or of the desire to have an actual relationship with that person. What he has done here is got drunk and acted on it by phoning her, which is a clear line crossed. I think it's fine to ask to see convo, in context. You want to know if he fancies her (fine) or if he is cheating (Kick to curb).

I would need more details from him.

I think I would say nothing, act as if you've forgotten and start the 007 techniques. I'm sorry but this doesn't sound innocent to me at alland he has had tons of opportunity- can you access his bank statements or credit card statements- these can often be a give away of places he's been too and stuff he's bought that haven't ever been mentioned. My view on this is that trust is lost anyway, so at the moment you need to protect yourself and discover if it's something or just what he says - trust can be regained of course- but it takes time and needs to be earned.

He’s conducting an affair under your nose. Sorry.
The “sleepover” was to prove that she’s a mate so you wouldn’t be suspicious so he can carry on.
Or it’s a step on from mentionitus and he genuinely is completely transfixed by her.
Either way , not good. You don’t need to put up with this.

I would def not be snooping around after his phone in secret, that is no way to live. He already knows you know anyway so it is completely valid and reasonable to ask him outright for his phone then and there, with no chance to delete stuff (so not when he is just about to go out the door so has a chance to not give it/delete stuff). And if any hesitation and/or there is literally no track of any msgs/calls between them - which imo there totally would be if they have been on work trips etc so much, legitimately - if there is nothing well then you need to have a bigger conversation, and take it from there.
But if I were you I would def would need answers, and some clear talking and explanations at each step of the discovery stage. Also check that they are not msging/calling via other apps, not just Whatsapp etc, nearly every social media can be used to contact people now, instagram etc. And ask him directly are there any other Apps you use to contact her - not just be fobbed off with Text and Whatsapp. He could have archived their convos as doesn't want to lose them, so ask him if he has done this? Also I would ask to see her actual 'Contact' - as if he has deleted that, that is really suspect, as possibly saved under another name since the outing call. It could be that it is nipped in the bud now and you do see their convos and it is actually ok, which will be so much better than not asking, and spending next 10 years in misery/getting ill over it. But I would def be asking v clear non-negotiable questions, good luck OP.

This, and if she is so happy married then where was her husband the night of the tube strike?

'Sorry' can just mean sorry I got caught.

I would ask to see the messages and photo. It doesn't make you 'that' person. You've heard something that has made you feel uncomfortable. You're not looking behind his back, although even if you did that under these circumstances I don't think that would be that bad. I would explain it's all made you a bit uncomfortable and you think you're only really going to be reassured if he can show you the messages between them and the photo, because what you heard sounded like an inappropriate conversation for them to be having. Obviously don't put it past him having deleted some of it as he may be anticipating you asking. It is a reasonable thing to ask and I think would perhaps put your mind at ease or make it clear he is in fact having an emotional or physical affair.

It may not fully reassure you (and probably shouldn't) I would still be wary. Telling a colleague you miss them is never a good sign. These things can make people behave completely out of character.