DH and work colleague - am I being naive?

[Solihull1990]

Not sure what the right way to feel is - this is quite long, but I want to set the scene because I’m really not sure. 

I’ve been with DH for 10 years. We’ve had tricky moments along the way, but generally a happy and settled relationship, and we have a 12 month old son. 

DH has a busy job, and he works long hours. I’d forgotten quite how busy he was pre-pandemic - although he’s stayed just as busy over the last couple of years, being able to see him in the morning and at lunch and evenings etc has made him feel much more present. He’s started going back to work half the week, and when he’s gone it’s long hours and in his job there’s regularly an obligation to attend dinners / drinks etc. This has always been the case and I don’t mind - he’s a really present parent when he’s home and the division works for us. 

however, for the last 6 months or so, DH has been on a busy project in work. It’s meant regularly really late nights (home at midnight), and nights away from home. 

a few months ago, DH messaged me at about midnight saying a female colleague was struggling to get home due to a tube strike, and asked if she could stay in our spare room. I of course said yes - I didn’t know this colleague but if she was stranded then it made sense. I was in bed before they got home, but left out some toiletries and bits for her in the spare room. She stayed the night, but was gone before I got up in the morning. 

Last week, DH went out for a business dinner, and returned home late after I’d gone to bed. I woke up, and heard him on the phone, clearly really drunk. He was clearly speaking to a woman, and was saying how much he missed her and how much he liked her, and how he couldn’t wait to see her. There was some vague discussion about a photo she'd sent him but I couldn't tell the context. 

I knew there was no point discussing it when he was in that state, but I brought it up the next morning. He immediately apologised, and said he was talking to the colleague that stayed at our house. He said they were both really drunk and it was just a stupid conversation. She’s also married (he says happily), and he’s adamant there was nothing more to it. he loves me and our son and is really sorry. 

there were no changes in his behaviour before or since, or nothing to indicate there is anything more to this. I can’t see this is a reason to throw away my family for a stupid phone call, but I’m also worried I’m being stupid.

Did he say why he deleted the messages? Did he delete the whole chain?

Check his phone

Turn it back onto him. He's behaved in ways that have made you doubt his honesty and commitment to your relationship. What is he going to do to solve that problem?

You are not wrong to be suspicious and upset. Make sure you don't break yourself in half bending over to give him the benefit of the doubt. He doesn't deserve it right now.

You really need to see that photo. 100 per cent he has already deleted it. Funny that

I think he basically is admitting to having an emotional affair without saying it op.

A work call that turned into a catch up. Fine - it's normal for work colleagues to be friends. I'd be suspicious as the length of the call was awfully long but I'd give it the benefit of the doubt with a close eye.

A drunken call with the 'miss yous'.....absolutely no excuse. Just so wrong, could possibly be a huge exaggeration due to the alcohol. But still....just no.

However if you add them both together - it's an emotional affair. Or at least the very start of one. It would of only escalated if you didn't find out. 100%.

Your 'D'h is probably telling himself it's just a friendship. The OW is also probably doing the same. But they both know its more than that, they both know they are over stepping the mark. They both don't really care about the amount of devastation they could cause if they let it continue. Sadly it already has.

I think you've caught this quite early on, this was absolutely emerging into something way more than it should.

I'm so sorry OP.

Was this hour long call while in the car after the drunken miss you call? Just this past weekend?

I'm probably in the minority here, but, not everyone speaks the truth when drunk...

I've done and said things that are absolutely not me when I've been very drunk. Embarrassing things. For example, I'm mid thirties and not attracted to younger men in the slightest, got drunk one night and kissed a 19 year old 🤦🏻‍♀️. Point is, people can indeed behave completely out of character.

I just get the impression he's genuinely embarrassed and sorry, he's saying and doing all the right things, and not behaving like a guilty person.

It's difficult though, because although I'd choose to continue the relationship, I'd always have that doubt in my mind, and trust would need to be rebuilt.

It's just so easy for people to say 'leave him' but it's not their life. If he's a great dad, great partner etc, then I'd at least try to move past it 🤷🏻‍♀️

I’m sorry to read your update op. That’s a long time to chat to a colleague, and when on top of the other convo it’s not looking great. When was this hour long call? Before the drunken one or after? Not that it matters, but if both very recent and nothing much stands out before that it could be he’s right on the start of an emotional affair and it’s been caught very early in.

just sending some virtual support op. Been in similar situation and it’s crushing.

I've been there op, except I found out 10 years after it happened as the stupid bugger wrote songs and poems about it and stuffed them into a drawer and never got rid. I went back through old phone bills (had kept them) and clearly texting 6 or 7 times a day some days . I did confront and he admitted it was a crush just on his part that went too far- she just saw him as a friend. I have no idea if that was the case- stopped when she moved abroad. I think it was a one off but if I'm honest I've never felt the same as he clearly was capable of things I wouldn't have expected. I would be looking at bank statements and credit cards and I wouldn't feel guilty- he has totally broken your trust and you have every right to know what's going on

I don’t think the hour’s conversation makes this any worse. He’s got close to this woman, he’s admitted it and a long phone conversation in the car is part of that.

What’s important is what happens next. I think couples counselling is a good idea to nip this in the bud.

Thank you all for your continued support. My head is all over the place.

Both calls are recent, but the hour long driving call came first. There were no calls in his call history to her after the drunken call.

In my gut I feel as though He developed an attraction and he was getting swept up and now he's come crashing back down to earth and realised the real consequences.

But the problem is even if that's true, I feel like he's a different person in my eyes now. It's very fresh so maybe he won't always be. Or maybe he will.

Maybe I'm cutting too much slack and it's more than that anyway. Maybe it's been an affair or an emotional affair rather than just a "crush".

Either way, can you leave your husband over a crush? But then on the other hand can you ignore a "crush"?

What if he wants to be with her and he's settling for us? But then what if it really and truly was just a stupid drunken mistake? I can't think straight.

@Solihull1990

Personally, I would ask him to move out for a few weeks while I thought about what I wanted. Some people might say that’s giving him ample opportunity to turn an emotional affair in to a physical one, but if he’s going to cheat on you, he’ll do it whether he’s living at home or not.

It sounds like you’re very torn about what’s happened and feel that to totally cut him out is extreme based on what you know, so maybe some time apart will help both of you clarify what you want, and give him a kick up the backside. He’ll hopefully realise how awful it will be to be estranged from you and a part-time parent to his son.

I would also be telling him he needs to change his job ASAP, no way would I have them working together in the future. This is all based on whether you think he’s physically cheated or not, or where your boundaries lie in terms of emotional affairs etc. I went back to an emotional cheater and the damage was done really, I should’ve shut the door on him.

I hope you get it sorted out, big hugs x

Maybe it's just a crush, but it certainly sounds like he is (or was) hoping for something more to develop.

I would find it difficult to accept that it's innocent after a drunk call & sober hour long call.

It really does sound like he is hoping to get closer to her.

Was the damage done because he did it (or something similar) again, or because the trust was gone?

Asking him to leave leaves me here with our son, and his parents are not close enough for him to go there and still get to work. So if he goes, he'll have to stay with a friend or spend money staying somewhere. Which just feels like making a spectacle of the whole thing. I don't know what happens next.

Does he have a work phone? I'd be going through that one too. Have you checked apps with DMs like Instagram or Facebook?

It’s so difficult OP, my heart breaks for you!

He needs to understand how this affected your marriage, the trust is gone and he can only retire it by coming 100% clean with you. I think I’d request to have full access to his phone and couple’s counselling.

As humiliating as it is, it’s a crisis situation and if he’s serious about saving your marriage he should agree to anything you propose.

What is their professional relationship? Is it possible for him to not work directly with her?

he can only restore it* (sorry, stupid autocorrect!)

Funny how the first time he did it was the first time you caught him isn’t it? How unbelievably unlucky.
Or just unbelievable.

Yeah, he’s only admitting to what the OP has already found out.

@Solihull1990 With my situation, he left me for the OW for a few months, he maintains nothing physical happened between them at any point including during our break-up, but that he felt so conflicted that he couldn’t be with me. Possibly that’s all bollocks but I guess I’ll never know. I was just so desperate to have him back that when he eventually came crawling, it took me just a matter of days to move back in with him! Very silly now I look back, but I was young and it was a long-term relationship that was very intense. It just never worked again because something broke I think. I hated him on some level for doing that to me, and he knew subconsciously that he could treat me shoddily and I would still come running. Both factors were an unhealthy dynamic for a relationship really.

If I could go back, I definitely would’ve just taken a lot of time to think about what was right and healthy for me, without the hysterical desperation clouding my judgement. It’s so hard when you feel so heartbroken and beside yourself with panic and grief, but try to imagine life if you just say ‘ok don’t do it again’… what do you think the dynamic would be for you two in the future?

I would be going the other way and suggesting you have a couples dinner with her and her husband. Best she see how you and your husband interact as the reality might hit home how well you get on...or at least you will see how he interacts with you around her. ie if he acts uncomfortable than you will know its more than he has said.

Me too

I'd also make a point of saying in front of her husband oh you know your way around as you've stayed here before to see if he knows that.

Your head must be all over the place. I don't think anything you ask of him would be unreasonable at this stage to be honest.

You say no calls are showing after the drunken night one. Trouble is, hes totally broken your trust, so you will now have the problem of do you/don't you believe he/she hasn't called or hes calling and deleting the call log for it straight away.

If you need to look at bank statements, do it. if you need to check his work phone, his emails, work emails, receipts even from work nights away (1 meal or 2 showing, what sort of drinks were bought etc), then you do it.

If you need him to go and stay in a hotel for a few days, then tell him. You are seriously not over reacting to this at all. And you are not making a spectavle of it, so don't think this. This is your life you are talking about. And the person you are choosing to spend it with.
And then only you can decide what to do.

I think for me, it would be (and was) the not knowing.

OP💐 I doubt you are going to get the truth at the moment. I would tell him to leave for a bit. It will make him scared of losing you both and work to rebuild.

Or he will go no contact and you get your answer. A week in a Premier Inn is worth this heartache.

He should be working hard to save this relationship..if he knows how you feel.

Be tough now as this will effect you emotionally if it continues remember knowledge is power..and get ducks in a row just incase.