DH and work colleague - am I being naive?

[Solihull1990]

Not sure what the right way to feel is - this is quite long, but I want to set the scene because I’m really not sure. 

I’ve been with DH for 10 years. We’ve had tricky moments along the way, but generally a happy and settled relationship, and we have a 12 month old son. 

DH has a busy job, and he works long hours. I’d forgotten quite how busy he was pre-pandemic - although he’s stayed just as busy over the last couple of years, being able to see him in the morning and at lunch and evenings etc has made him feel much more present. He’s started going back to work half the week, and when he’s gone it’s long hours and in his job there’s regularly an obligation to attend dinners / drinks etc. This has always been the case and I don’t mind - he’s a really present parent when he’s home and the division works for us. 

however, for the last 6 months or so, DH has been on a busy project in work. It’s meant regularly really late nights (home at midnight), and nights away from home. 

a few months ago, DH messaged me at about midnight saying a female colleague was struggling to get home due to a tube strike, and asked if she could stay in our spare room. I of course said yes - I didn’t know this colleague but if she was stranded then it made sense. I was in bed before they got home, but left out some toiletries and bits for her in the spare room. She stayed the night, but was gone before I got up in the morning. 

Last week, DH went out for a business dinner, and returned home late after I’d gone to bed. I woke up, and heard him on the phone, clearly really drunk. He was clearly speaking to a woman, and was saying how much he missed her and how much he liked her, and how he couldn’t wait to see her. There was some vague discussion about a photo she'd sent him but I couldn't tell the context. 

I knew there was no point discussing it when he was in that state, but I brought it up the next morning. He immediately apologised, and said he was talking to the colleague that stayed at our house. He said they were both really drunk and it was just a stupid conversation. She’s also married (he says happily), and he’s adamant there was nothing more to it. he loves me and our son and is really sorry. 

there were no changes in his behaviour before or since, or nothing to indicate there is anything more to this. I can’t see this is a reason to throw away my family for a stupid phone call, but I’m also worried I’m being stupid.

I agree with the others, the late night call at the very least demonstrates intent.

Plus, she's been in your home, so one or both of them is disrespecting you.

If he genuinely believes what he's saying and agrees it was unacceptable he needs to follow up with actions. Why should you have to worry that he's still working with this woman and can't avoid contact? I don't give a shit if she's reciprocating his behaviour or not. If that's the case maybe he needs to find another fucking job and behave himself when he gets there. That's going to be too inconvenient for him, I'd guess.

The late nights working , the phone call and the fact the woman didn't leave you a note or message or a thank you to you personally tells me they are shagging.

Sorry OP

But he says he isn't getting smitten with her, and OP isn't sure, so why do you think that you have the conclusive answer? It's all very nuanced, and OP needs to deal with what she knows for sure, and what she needs, rather than guessing at variables and making blanket rules for other people, based on those guesses.

Regarding the drunk conversation he had I could understand perhaps if he said he'd missed her and was looking forward to seeing her - although this really depends on how it's said as much as anything. However the "liking" part is really suspect. I sometimes meet colleagues (m and f) from previous jobs, I might say "I'm really looking forward to seeing you" and perhaps "I've missed you" if they were really good friends, but I'd never say I really like them.

I would say you have to stop having the conversation because it is probably just going in circles. I'd wait it out a bit, but watch, and I'd ensure I knew exactly what was happening with finances, his pensions, any investments so I had as much protection as possible should anything happen.

"It's just a phone call"

But phone calls always happen in context. I don't call people drunk at midnight talking about missing them, unless I miss them, and they are the person I'm thinking about when drunk. I don't call my neighbour/boss/grandma at midnight - midnight phone calls are always with people you're close to in some way and you are thinking of.

Sorry OP. There is no way of knowing of what is going but it's definitely not good.

Also, with the overnight stay. Isn't it most likely that they were out with work, getting drunk together, and then kept drinking and realised she couldn't get home at that time? Though surely she could have got a cab if she lives in London and it was after the tube finished? I don't know what was going on there but if they are having some sort of affair (even it's just emotional) - then your DH is an absolute arsehole for having her stay. Sorry again.

I also think she left early because she couldn't face you. The fact you put out some toiletries for her, the shame must have got to her.

It's highly inappropriate at best. It's deceit at worst. You will never know for sure what has or haven't happened - it's up to you whether you want to work at it and trust him but you may never know the truth of what has or haven't happened during night outs - but safe in the knowledge that if they haven't done anything - they've thought about it.

Well, hardly any cheater is going to admit he develops feeling or simply want to have sex with his co worker.

When your parent is cheating or planning on cheating on you, all you have got if the subtle signs (working late, night calls, change in behaviour etc) and you’re intuition, until they slip and all hell breaks loose.

Where there’s a smoke, there’s a fire.

At the end of the day, we are all different. Some of us would end it there and then where others aren't so sure. What he he's done is wrong but what you decide to do about it is all on you. You don't have to leave him op - it's your choice on whatever you feel is right.

But you cannot just let this go like nothing happened because it will eat you up inside and that's not fair on you. This isn't your doing and you will suffer more if you just let it go. You won't be able too, no doubt you will just suffer in silence. Don't be that woman who wastes years of her life being miserable because she knows her husband has been unfaithful and you have no answers. It's no way to live.

Whatever you decide, your marriage has been rocked and it's needs addressing no matter how painful it is. It will only pro-long for you if you just let this go. You are automatically forever going to be suspicious of him, your are automatically going to have anxiety while he's at these late night work dos or working away. You're automatically going to feel sick every time you see him on his phone.

If you decide to stay with him, please please address this properly for your sake

Yes - it's the "liking" part - how much he liked her - who says that, in those circumstances?
I would absolutely ask to see the photo and any messages.
You say they aren't even "friends" - it sounds like sometimes they spend at least 12 hours a day together, plus work trips, that is a lot of time to get close to someone v quickly, under the cover of a working relationship. Imo they spend a lot of time together. Who rang who btw?

When your partner*

I think in this case you do need to look at his phone.
His behaviour is the reason for it so no need to feel bad about checking.

Agreed. It wasn't just a phone call!

It might depend on what the "tricky moments" consist of-ie does he have form?

Idk Op, my first husband was the least likely to cheat.

But he did-with a work colleague🙄

Maybe I should have noticed the mentionitis-even though he wasn't saying particularly nice things about her!

I would not be happy - to me it's a bit like he wants to have you, stable lovely wife and family, and also his fun drunk work colleague to remind him of how life was without responsibility. Is he drinking a lot? I would not be happy if my DH came home so smashed he was blubbering on the phone to a colleague about how he missed her etc. He's a disgrace and a dick and he needs to grow up.

Should you be worried? Well he sounds contrite and has probably realised he's set to lose what he really wants for some stupidity.

Should you be pissed off and disgusted with him - yes. I would tell him to grow up and start being a decent husband and father, and if he can't do that then you won't be sticking around, you're young enough to either find someone else or be single, but you won't be treated like this.

Yes, this ^^

He's seriously misbehaved and you're right to be concernd and to be suspicious. But posters saying "he's already sleeping with her" are just idiotic. How the fuck do they know that?

He’s sleeping with her already OP. Time to bin and move on pronto.

It does not look good. He thought you were asleep and when you brought it up he brushed it off and told you it was the collegue who stayed over.

Personally I think he plucked that person out of thin air, as he had to tell you who he was speaking to, and it would look better if it was 'that collegue you know about'. Plus if you did ever meet her properly - nothing going on between them would be obvious. And also if you did demand to see his phone, you'd focus on their conversations, which would be innocent.

My bet is it is a woman you know nothing about. Maybe not even a work collegue, and the working late, dinners, staying out are just a cover for him seeing this OW.

I'm really sorry. I know you said you don't want to look at his phone, but I really think you need to. And to do so without him knowing.

if you don't have access to it, ask him. But at a time when he isn't expecting it. If he suddenly darts off to the toilet or does anything other than hand it over immediately unlocked, you probably don't even need to see whats on there.

This is pretty much how my ex's affair started. Spending ages on phone calls to "a colleague" who was having problems and needed his support...even when on family days out, carrying his affair out under the guise of "social events" with work. I was way too trusting but then I guess that's how you should be when you love and trust someone. It just feels like a punch in the face when they take advantage of it.

I would be inclined to believe him too.

If there was anything marriage ending going on would be really be daft enough to have her around your house? And be talking to her in your house no matter how drunk he was?

I think it does sound like a silly drunk conversation although I would be taking more of an interest in his phone for a while.

I get what a support this forum can be in helping people with their relationship problems, but the instant LTB reaction sometimes sounds wreck less to me.

Can’t believe this relaxed attitude to what is clearly a sign of cheating - emotionally certainly and physically probably. There is no way back from this and OP needs to be encouraged to act decisively and move on, not live in false hope.

Would he be silly enough? Yes, if it's not about being silly but instead them getting off on taking risks or getting one over on the partner. As bizarre as it sounds, that is a thing. Not suggesting in this case, just pointing it out it exists, even in the most 'normal' loving seemingly relationships.

although I would be taking more of an interest in his phone for a while

This is a demonstration of lack of trust, which means that it's highly likely the relationship is over. No trust, no love.

This thread is so helpful; thank you so much everyone; because it shows the conflict in my head. Part of me thinking there’s no way he would bring her to our family home if something was going on - she would have been around our son in the morning!

but then the other part of me agreeing that maybe they got too drunk out together and hadnt thought about how to get home so made a snap decision to come to ours.

similarly, part of me thinks he just had a reckless phone call that he clearly regrets, he told me who it was and is clearly sorry. The other part of me can hear what PPs have said about that call not happening in isolation.

I think what’s clear is you’re all right that as much as I don’t want to, I need to look at the convo 😔

Ah. This is my worry!!

I don't think it's a "LTB" situation, but I'd find it impossible to completely trust him for a while after that. Admitting he was "stupid" wouldn't be enough to satisfy me or allay my fears. I don't know what would be enough to help, other than the passage of time with no more suspicious behaviour, but I'd expect him to bend over backwards to make certain I had no reason to feel uncertain of his loyalty. The fact that he will continue to interact with her through work makes it very difficult. I'd worry that continued exposure to temptation would mean I'd have to remain on guard, and that's no kind of life.