DH and work colleague - am I being naive?

[Solihull1990]

Not sure what the right way to feel is - this is quite long, but I want to set the scene because I’m really not sure. 

I’ve been with DH for 10 years. We’ve had tricky moments along the way, but generally a happy and settled relationship, and we have a 12 month old son. 

DH has a busy job, and he works long hours. I’d forgotten quite how busy he was pre-pandemic - although he’s stayed just as busy over the last couple of years, being able to see him in the morning and at lunch and evenings etc has made him feel much more present. He’s started going back to work half the week, and when he’s gone it’s long hours and in his job there’s regularly an obligation to attend dinners / drinks etc. This has always been the case and I don’t mind - he’s a really present parent when he’s home and the division works for us. 

however, for the last 6 months or so, DH has been on a busy project in work. It’s meant regularly really late nights (home at midnight), and nights away from home. 

a few months ago, DH messaged me at about midnight saying a female colleague was struggling to get home due to a tube strike, and asked if she could stay in our spare room. I of course said yes - I didn’t know this colleague but if she was stranded then it made sense. I was in bed before they got home, but left out some toiletries and bits for her in the spare room. She stayed the night, but was gone before I got up in the morning. 

Last week, DH went out for a business dinner, and returned home late after I’d gone to bed. I woke up, and heard him on the phone, clearly really drunk. He was clearly speaking to a woman, and was saying how much he missed her and how much he liked her, and how he couldn’t wait to see her. There was some vague discussion about a photo she'd sent him but I couldn't tell the context. 

I knew there was no point discussing it when he was in that state, but I brought it up the next morning. He immediately apologised, and said he was talking to the colleague that stayed at our house. He said they were both really drunk and it was just a stupid conversation. She’s also married (he says happily), and he’s adamant there was nothing more to it. he loves me and our son and is really sorry. 

there were no changes in his behaviour before or since, or nothing to indicate there is anything more to this. I can’t see this is a reason to throw away my family for a stupid phone call, but I’m also worried I’m being stupid.

He doensnt have feelings but 'likes' and 'misses' her.

I have male colleagues that I would spend an hour talking to on the phone. But we have never had drunken calls where we say how much we like and miss each other.

Not sure if this is helpful, or said already but in WhatsApp if you go to Settings and Storage and Data, you can see the chats that have taken up the most space data wise. It might just give you a small clue on how prolific their contact is.

Even deleted ones.

Suggest a meal out as a foursome.. Watch his reaction..

Could you go into his phone and change the setting so the messages are stored and then have a look in a week?

Does this work even if he deleted their thread?

I can see conversations I’ve left still in my list. Not sure re deleted but I think so.

Go to settings- storage and data- then click on "manage storage" to see deleted photos and videos. I can only see deleted photos but no deleted conversations.

Thank you. Nothing's there from her - no deleted pics, no chat or number of messages etc. I suspect it's because he deleted their chat.

@Solihull1990 I think you already have your answer in some ways. You know he’s attracted to this woman and vice versa, and you know that’s he crossed at least some fairly important lines in your marriage, the evidence of which you’ve heard with your own ears, and by omission with the deleted chat. So if that’s the information you have at hand at the moment, how do you want to proceed? People here can only advise you so far unfortunately 😔

I've just spent 90 mins on the phone.to an ex work colleague. I spent 3 hours on the phone to a new colleague the other day. My current and ex colleagues regularly call me shit faced. None of us fancy each other. We regularly talk shite too. I'm not interested in an affair and neither are they. We are mates

Getting a new job is not that easy. Not least the suggestion of getting one to deal with the insecurities of people.on Mumsnet baying for the OP to leave on the basis of nothing

OP I hope you are getting through this but on the basis of a couple of calls and a photo the suggestions here are batshit

If this woman was a random woman and not a colleague or a friend then fair enough. But she sounds like both a friend and a colleague

And yes, I have been cheated on before anyone says "yes but" and it's shit. But it wasn't because of 2 calls and a couple of texts.

Sending a mate a photo when you're on holiday may signify something. Or it could just be a photo

Did you delete his WhatsApp app then reinstall OP? That's how the deleted messages restore. It asks you if you want deleted messages back when you reinstall the app.

@AmJustDone do you say you miss them and all the other emotional stuff he said and delete texts the next day because you don’t want your partner to see them?
I certainly don’t talk this way to colleagues drunk or not and would hope my dh doesn’t either. It’s inappropriate

Oh sweetheart, you know deep down what’s happening. You know in your gut. Even if it’s an emotional affair, it’s a betrayal. And the fact he isn’t moving heaven and earth to prove to you that you’re his only priority is frankly disgusting.

Completely agree with PP that he should move out for a period of time so you can work out what you want. Fuck the logistics, that’s not your problem. He’s the one who messed up, let him sort it out.

And if the shoe were on the other foot, I would be looking for another job, so that I wouldn’t have to have any further contact with the person that I’m having either an actual or emotional affair with. But he’s offered to do none of that has he? Hoping it’s all going to go away, or that he gets to carry on seeing the other woman at work while you do his washing at home?

I think it’s time you stop worrying about optics and what other people will think and start making things uncomfortable for him. Because right now the only person who seems to be suffering is you. You deserve better than what he’s giving you right now.

Who calls up their colleagues shit faced as a regular occurrence? As a grown adult with a family? How completely weird and inappropriate. As for the poster who claimed they were mid 30’s and kissed a 19 year old, because people act crazy whilst drunk…..if anyone I knew did that myself and most people I know would consider them a total sleaze, and avoid like the plague.

No, never chatted for hours with work colleague that I see daily. Neither I told them I missed them.

I’ve also never deleted a whatsup thread. Or any message exchange on any other app. Why would you?

You will never know that was in that chat @Solihull1990 , all you know is that he was uncomfortable with you reading it.

Can’t you see though how this type of behaviour makes the OP, as well as many other posters including myself, uncomfortable? If that’s something you do regularly then fair enough.

But if your husband would start this behaviour all of the sudden with a female colleague, and then lie about it to your face, deleted their message exchange, how’d you feel? I mean surely, you must understand it’s more than likely the OPs husband relationship with that woman goes beyond phone calls and exchanging a “holiday” picture.

I spent 3 hours on the phone to a new colleague the other day. My current and ex colleagues regularly call me shit faced. None of us fancy each other. We regularly talk shite too. I'm not interested in an affair and neither are they. We are mates

^ Very inappropriate for adults in healthy relationships. I don't know anyone who behaves like this as adults... calling colleagues when "shit faced" was something I might have done in my early 20s.

He "got carried away" when drunk, with the "I miss you's" on the phone. But what would have happened if she hadn't been away and they were drunk together at a work event? Would the talk have become physical? I wouldn't trust them one bit. Getting "carried away" is not excused just because you're drunk.

He's clearly attracted to her, and when sober (whilst driving) has allowed their conversions to become personal. Then when drunk and his inhibitions are lowered, he's allowed them to become emotional and intimate.

It feels as though lack of opportunity to physically cheat on those occasions is now his get of of jail card, but I suspect if he had been with this woman on the night of the drunken phone call, more than just talking would have occurred. If this is the case, do you really want to be with him? Can you really trust him?

Everything is pointing to at least an emotional affair, or the early stages of a physical one. I really hope I'm wrong.

This 100%.

The trust is broken. Deleted conversations is a really bad sign. As Solihull has said, it will NEVER be the same again. You will feel you can't put a foot wrong incase it upsets him and he finds someone else. The relationship will never be the same again.