DH and work colleague - am I being naive?

[Solihull1990]

Not sure what the right way to feel is - this is quite long, but I want to set the scene because I’m really not sure. 

I’ve been with DH for 10 years. We’ve had tricky moments along the way, but generally a happy and settled relationship, and we have a 12 month old son. 

DH has a busy job, and he works long hours. I’d forgotten quite how busy he was pre-pandemic - although he’s stayed just as busy over the last couple of years, being able to see him in the morning and at lunch and evenings etc has made him feel much more present. He’s started going back to work half the week, and when he’s gone it’s long hours and in his job there’s regularly an obligation to attend dinners / drinks etc. This has always been the case and I don’t mind - he’s a really present parent when he’s home and the division works for us. 

however, for the last 6 months or so, DH has been on a busy project in work. It’s meant regularly really late nights (home at midnight), and nights away from home. 

a few months ago, DH messaged me at about midnight saying a female colleague was struggling to get home due to a tube strike, and asked if she could stay in our spare room. I of course said yes - I didn’t know this colleague but if she was stranded then it made sense. I was in bed before they got home, but left out some toiletries and bits for her in the spare room. She stayed the night, but was gone before I got up in the morning. 

Last week, DH went out for a business dinner, and returned home late after I’d gone to bed. I woke up, and heard him on the phone, clearly really drunk. He was clearly speaking to a woman, and was saying how much he missed her and how much he liked her, and how he couldn’t wait to see her. There was some vague discussion about a photo she'd sent him but I couldn't tell the context. 

I knew there was no point discussing it when he was in that state, but I brought it up the next morning. He immediately apologised, and said he was talking to the colleague that stayed at our house. He said they were both really drunk and it was just a stupid conversation. She’s also married (he says happily), and he’s adamant there was nothing more to it. he loves me and our son and is really sorry. 

there were no changes in his behaviour before or since, or nothing to indicate there is anything more to this. I can’t see this is a reason to throw away my family for a stupid phone call, but I’m also worried I’m being stupid.

Has he always been faithful to you?

my problem is that he hasn’t gone on the defensive of minimised it. He’s said it was really stupid and embarrassing and that he would be devastated if I’d done the same.

He doesn't have to go on the defensive, does he? He apologised and admitted what a naughty boy he's been and then just carried on as before. You haven't told him to do anything different. If you do, that's when he will go on the defensive and say you're just jealous over nothing or he'll go on the attack and tell you its all your fault and you're a bitch who holds him back.

was saying how much he missed her and how much he liked her, and how he couldn’t wait to see her

Yes that's hanky-panky in itself. They both fancy each other, you heard that. And they don't mind telling each other so while you're in the house. Your DH really doesn't give a toss about your feelings. Maybe it was a snog rather than a shag when she was staying at your house - she'd have to be pretty brassy to go for a shag with you in the house - but your husband thinks he can get away with anything after you let her stay.

The photo was something to do with her visiting a city related to their work project or something

So he hasn't shown it to you. He is lying.

So now you set boundaries. She does not come to the house again, ever. (If she's "stranded" someone else can take her home or she can pony up for a taxi.) He does not call her. Ever. And yes he changes job, well away from a woman he has adoring conversations with when he's drunk. Because that's what he needs to do to save his marriage.

He will not be apologetic once he realises saying "sorry" doesn't hand him a free pass.

it would be professionally impossible for my DH to refuse to go to meetings or dinners if she was there

Well he's got it made then hasn't he? He doesn't need to be defensive because he knows there is nothing you can do.

I also just don't want this to make me someone im not

The problem is not who you are. You're a nice trusting person. It's who he is. Someone who walks all over a nice trusting person.

I don't want to start setting rules and dictating who he's allowed to work with etc.

Well no you don't want to, but you don't have much choice, because if you don't he can just carry on then can't he? And he knows it.

I don't think it's an LTB situation. It's a set boundaries situation. Then you can see how he reacts to the boundaries. But maybe you already guess how he'll react to the boundaries and it's not the way a good husband who'd had a momentary lapse would react.

OP, IF what he says is true about it being a stupid one-off drunken conversation…how does he reassure you this won’t happen again next time he gets drunk? What is he going to do differently in future to avoid putting himself in this situation again? He needs to really think about what led him to this point, to understand his motivation, so that he can decide what changes he needs to make to prevent a repeat. This is the least he needs to do to start rebuilding your trust again. And if needs to come from him, not you, otherwise as you recognise you’ll become the “controlling wife” in this narrative.

If he truly loves you and regrets this call, he’ll be prepared to put the work in on analysing his behaviour and coming up with a view of how things will be different in future.

Cannot believe how many psychic people we have on here, who know for sure that he’s already shagging this woman??
I’m sorry op, it is a shitty thing to have happen. He could just have been pissed and chatting shite but, personally, I would be looking for more information. I would ask to see the messages/photos etc, but I’d also be looking at phone bills, bank statements, emails (look at sent items too!!!) I think blind trust is definitely overrated at the best of times and in these circumstances? He’s given you cause for concern so you have every right to have a dig about….I wouldn’t throw my marriage away over a pissed phone call but I wouldn’t ignore it either. Good luck and I hope it all turns out well for you xxx

we’ve just had a long chat.

he doesn’t have their WhatsApp chat. He said he deleted it the morning after the call - he admitted this was because there were drunken texts that night along the same vein as the call (just beforehand), and when he woke up he was embarrassed and regretted it so he deleted them.

he did have the photo because his WhatsApp photos save to his album automatically, which he showed me. It was of her and a female friend near a landmark in a particular city which is as he had described it. I can’t remember the context of the photo in the bit of the call i overhead to know if this Makes sense. My mind jumped to a dirty photo, but I don’t know if he alluded to that or if I heard “photo” and thought the worst.

He has said he won’t drink too much at work events for the foreseeable and that he knows it was stupid. I don’t know what else I can ask or where else to take it. He’s maintained the same version of events throughout. He’s still contrite and embarrassed. But I’m so worried about being stupid.

Personally I would buy him a copy of just good friends, insist he reads it in full and carry on snooping- removing the whole chain is suspicious in itself - he clearly knows he overstepped the mark

Hi OP, I can be terrible with emotional outbursts when drunk and on the way home from a work night out where I’d had the best time! I did send both male and female colleagues messages to say that I loved them. My word did I feel embarrassed in the morning! Especially at the thought of what their husbands and wives would of made of it!
it was meant purely in a platonic friendship kind of way.
If your DH is going to stay sober at work nights out then that’s good. I guess I would also expect him back at his normal long hours time and not midnight!

Can't you get a backup download from WhatsApp? Pretty sure I've done this before but cannot remember how....

The thing is you don't jump from normal platonic appropriate relationship to midnight drunken soppy lovey phonecalls

Their relationship is inappropriate. At the very least they fancy each other and have been flirting.

Like others say, is he sorry, or just sorry he got caught ?

He fancies her and probably she does back. I dont see how they'll be able to just cut it off when they were on the cusp of an affair at the very minimum. As they will still see each other all the time.

If this was me, I wouldn't be able to relax knowing that. If he has found himself having strong feelings for another woman, and regrets it, he needs to make the decision to distance himself from her and make it clear from this point forward there relationship is to be professional & nothing else. Not drinking as much is not the answer.

At home with the kids?

Yes I would want the backup retrieved to see it with my own eyes for reassurance.
It may be the truth but equally, as per the script, he has only admitted to the bare minimum he needed to, as it would have been too obvious if he said they had never ever whatsapped, even for work trips etc.
I would want to know really were there only dodgy msgs that night? Seriously? Or how far do they honestly go back? I suspect the sleepover night could be the night lines got blurred.
Also - did he archive the msgs (as actually wants to keep them). I would ask him that outright.

Also - overall - just WHY?? - does he actually fancy her/have feelings? What is his explanation for the 'liking so much' - not just 'I was stupid'. That is not good enough.

I wouldn't let this go so easily.

I personally wouldn't be able to just leave it there op. I'd keep the pressure on him in order to gain more information and so he knows this is absolutely not acceptable.

I would be giving him the benefit of the doubt and keeping a fairly close eye on his behaviour.

Fwiw I would absolutely have an affair with another married person because they have as much to lose as I do and are much less likely to tell my spouse. But if I was sleeping with a colleague I absolutely wouldn't stay at their house. The thought of bumping into their wife in the morning is making me go hot and cold all over!

Ask him to retrieve the back up WhatsApp’s so you can view the conversation. Also with WhatsApp you can delete individual messages so why has he deleted the full chat? That would make me suspicious.

Have you asked your husband how his relationship with his colleague has developed into secret drunken phone conversations while his wife and son are asleep upstairs. The cynic in me would imagine that this isn’t the first interaction of this nature between the two of them. How often do they work together?

Oh OP this is so dodgy. He deleted the chat because he was 'embarrassed'. I would be so so suspicious.

You can retrieve the chat - it would be a deal breaker for me to see it...

I’d call her. I’d tell her that I overheard the conversation and you’d like to hear what she has to say about their relationship.

Id be interested to hear her side and what she says. Not in a harassing way but I think you can tell a lot from tone and her being caught off guard.

This is shit, I'm really sorry. I wouldn't bother digging about in his phone, thing to see will be gone, he will have his tracks well covered. You do know what you heard though, don't doubt yourself on that no matter what. You're not stupid by any means and you have done nothing wrong. Don't let this get flipped onto you whatever the outcome.

With no regards to the heartbreak and damage it can cause to the innocent wife/kids? How nice.

Only you know if you can truly forget this. On a personal level I’d be extremely hurt and probably move out for a bit, even if his version of events was 100% true. But that’s just me. We can’t expect our partners to never find someone attractive ever again but you can expect them to behave appropriately and not cross a line like this. It’s sounds like (and correct me if I’m wrong) that you want to forgive him and move on. If this is the case then you need to be totally sure you can put this to the back of your mind.

I was you. My ex husband is now married to the work colleague and they have a baby!

Trust your gut!

He’s admitted the absolute minimum he thinks can get away with. There’s a reason he deleted the chat. Tell him to hand over his phone now while you retrieve the messages. Don’t ask, or give him warning, just tell him.
His reaction will speak volumes.

He needs to cut off all contact with her. They shouldn't work together. They must NEVER travel together. It will be difficult professionally, but that is his problem to solve, not yours. Finding a new job would be the best option. If they remain together and haven't already started an affair they will. Take this from someone whose husband left her for another woman he worked with.

@moppyD I think a pp suggested a married woman was a less likely affair partner - I disagree, that's all.

I'm not planning to sleep with anyone I shouldn't, but if I was I would definitely pick one who was least likely to turn up on my doorstep and tell my husband.

He deleted the chat. Oh, how very convenient. He was ‘embarrassed’ was he? Yeah right. Of course he deleted the bloody chat, does he think you were born yesterday?

Tell him you can get the backup of the chat and see his reaction to that. His instant ‘oh shit’ will be obvious I’d she thought. I would also make him do it there and then so he can’t claim it’s somehow been ‘lost’ or feign tech incompetence. If he doesn’t have the chat backed up then he may be one step ahead and have already deleted it. In that case you know you are being gaslit to hell and back.

I don’t buy the regretted isolated drunken conversation story one single bit.