DH and work colleague - am I being naive?

[Solihull1990]

Not sure what the right way to feel is - this is quite long, but I want to set the scene because I’m really not sure. 

I’ve been with DH for 10 years. We’ve had tricky moments along the way, but generally a happy and settled relationship, and we have a 12 month old son. 

DH has a busy job, and he works long hours. I’d forgotten quite how busy he was pre-pandemic - although he’s stayed just as busy over the last couple of years, being able to see him in the morning and at lunch and evenings etc has made him feel much more present. He’s started going back to work half the week, and when he’s gone it’s long hours and in his job there’s regularly an obligation to attend dinners / drinks etc. This has always been the case and I don’t mind - he’s a really present parent when he’s home and the division works for us. 

however, for the last 6 months or so, DH has been on a busy project in work. It’s meant regularly really late nights (home at midnight), and nights away from home. 

a few months ago, DH messaged me at about midnight saying a female colleague was struggling to get home due to a tube strike, and asked if she could stay in our spare room. I of course said yes - I didn’t know this colleague but if she was stranded then it made sense. I was in bed before they got home, but left out some toiletries and bits for her in the spare room. She stayed the night, but was gone before I got up in the morning. 

Last week, DH went out for a business dinner, and returned home late after I’d gone to bed. I woke up, and heard him on the phone, clearly really drunk. He was clearly speaking to a woman, and was saying how much he missed her and how much he liked her, and how he couldn’t wait to see her. There was some vague discussion about a photo she'd sent him but I couldn't tell the context. 

I knew there was no point discussing it when he was in that state, but I brought it up the next morning. He immediately apologised, and said he was talking to the colleague that stayed at our house. He said they were both really drunk and it was just a stupid conversation. She’s also married (he says happily), and he’s adamant there was nothing more to it. he loves me and our son and is really sorry. 

there were no changes in his behaviour before or since, or nothing to indicate there is anything more to this. I can’t see this is a reason to throw away my family for a stupid phone call, but I’m also worried I’m being stupid.

The absolute BEST light in which he could be looked here is that he is sexually harrassing a colleague. Even if he is NOT having a full blown affair, he could lose his job over this - making drunken declarations like this on the phone to a colleague.

You only have his word that she was drunk/a willing participant on the call too - she could have been absolutely INCANDESCENT that a married colleague is treating her like this.

She was away in the city from the photo. He'd been at a work dinner (with people they both know) to talk about the photo, her trip, and the dinner I think!

What do you remember about the night she stayed, OP?

Getting a kick out of taking risks is a thing, OP.

If I had stayed at someone's house I wouldve made sure I'd have thanked you face to face in the morning or left you a note or made a call to say thank you to you personally. It's not just his house she stayed in even if they are good friends it's courteous to thank you as well.

Jesus I haven't even considered this. I know probably everyone says this but he's really not the type. He isn't a sleazy man by nature but I'm sure the wife of every sleazy man would say the same thing

I also hadn't considered that he might be lying, and that he might not have even been talking to the colleague that stayed at our house as PP said. Although I don't know why he'd lie about that - I can't imagine what real answer could be worse than that fake answer!

He doesn’t want you to be alarmed, hence he isn’t defensive.

The intent is there OP, sorry. He wants you to let your guard down so he can keep messing with her, while telling you it’s nothing.

To answer your question, yes, I think you’re naive. Over my dead body my husband (drunk or sober) would be telling another woman how he misses her with no consequences 🙅🏻‍♀️

If it’s “nothing” then he shouldn’t have a problem with cutting all contact with her surely?

If it’s “nothing” then he shouldn’t have a problem with cutting all contact with her surely

Not sure that follows. If I wasn't having an affair with a colleague, I'd have a problem with my partner insist I cut contact with them. Wouldn't you?

I dont think he's harassing her (whether she's the one who stayed over or not).

A unwelcome late night call would probay not be answered.

A conversation with lots of unwelcome emotional declarations would be ended sharpish.

They got in after I went to bed. DH got up with DS, which he mostly does before work, so I stayed in bed. I heard them downstairs as I woke up, but she left before I got up.

They both had work the next day so I didn't think it was weird that she left early tbh!

Your husband is having an affair right under your nose, and he thinks he's being clever by being "devastated" and sooo apologetic.

If it's not yet a physical affair, it is definitely emotional, and your husband is playing with fire.

It probably wouldn't have lasted long enough for you to make woken up and hear it.

Who is she sending photos to when away with work... him.

Who.is she sharing late night calls with while away .. him.

Both you would reasonably expect to be her husband.

Of course she might be doing it with her husband too; but it's notable notable it's your partner she's engaging in this behaviour with; to me it's not the behavior of civil, polite, low key work colleagues, its the behaviour of the who are close.

Very I appropriately close given both their relationship statuses.

If my husband said he was uncomfortable with me keeping in touch with a colleague, having a history of drunken conversation over the phone telling the colleague I miss him, I think I’d cut the contact myself to save my marriage.

I think in this case the OP has got reasonable grounds to ask for it, he’s getting smitten with another woman.

This is my worry!! If it's just the call then what "consequences" follow?! I'm not minimising the call btw, I'm devastated. So I don't mean "just". But if it's nothing more than that and there's no affair, what happens next.

My head is a mess.

They don't speak or see each other outside of work so it's not really a case of "you can't be friends" - im not sure they could even be classed as friends. They are colleagues as far as I know, and it would be professionally impossible for my DH to refuse to go to meetings or dinners if she was there. I also just don't want this to make me someone im not - I don't want to dictate that. If there's nothing more to it then I don't want to start setting rules and dictating who he's allowed to work with etc.

This is so hard!

*its the behaviour of people who are close.

In reply to @Watchkeys ^

As much as you say you don't want to do it, the simple answer here is to ask to see their conversation and the photo. I'm guessing that it will all be deleted, and then you will have your answer. I've been there op and my exh was not the type either, quiet, shy, family man. He was having an affair with his colleague for 5 months.

Well it's gone now hasn't it, the trust.

There's no going back and you will be on alert forever more concerning this woman.

Don't brush this under the carpet, you both need to talk, he needs ro reassure you by being completely open, understanding and distancing himself from her.

It's really difficult because you cannot un hear what you heard and then you start gaslighting yourself, but it doesn't last, your suspicions will raise again and with that the insecurity comes.

This needs sorting.

But there is more to it. There's the fact that you feel devastated, and the fact that you now don't trust him. These are major relationship issues, and you and he need to be able to talk it through until the point where you feel it's resolved, regardless of whether he's having an affair or not.

Stop focussing on the 'is he/isn't he' question, and start focussing on how you feel. What do you need, to make this feel better? What would sort it out for you?

At least he owned up straight away - I'd be inclined to believe him but now you know that he definitely does like her to some extent (even if he has zero intentions of doing anything about it) so just keep an eye and honestly I think you're well within your rights to ask him to make an excuse to not go to any boozy social event she might be at if he can't keep himself in check.

Why wouldn't he have shown you the photo then to show it was innocent?

He'd have been like "look here, it's not what you think" and willingly showing you.

Your gut is telling you something is off and that's why you're too afraid to look because it might reveal him to be a liar.

Asking to see their messages is a perfectly reasonable thing to do based on the phone call you heard. It's not unfounded and he admits he behaved inappropriately and I think if he was telling the truth he'd have shown you willingly without you having to ask because he should be able to sense you have your doubts.

He may not be minimising or getting defensive now but that might change if you ask to see the photo or messages or he's probably deleted them after the phone all and being more careful.

Is he making any attempt to reduce the time he spends around her drunk in hotels "for work"

Also agree with @Neverhot - the least he owes you is to show you the messages and if they are deleted then there are bigger decisions to be made about whether he carries on working there...

I usually come on these threads and say theres nothing to it - I have male work colleagues that I get on really well with, we spend a huge amount of time together in work and have a lot in common. We also spend time together outside of work. They are in relationships as am I and theres nothing more to it...

But in this case, I would not be happy and think something is going on. No way would I have thr kind of conversation they are having. Thats the kind of conversation I would have with my DP when he is working away from home - not with a colleague/ male friend!

You’ve said in your OP @Solihull1990

however, for the last 6 months or so, DH has been on a busy project in work. It’s meant regularly really late nights (home at midnight), and nights away from home.

And then

They don't speak or see each other outside of work so it's not really a case of "you can't be friends" - im not sure they could even be classed as friends

Im sorry but you’re naive thinking they haven’t had the opportunity to see each other outside of work OP. Late nights, work trips… I mean it’s cliché but I’m pretty sure A LOT of affairs start that way.

I mean, late night calls, sending pictures... It makes you uncomfortable, so to let it carry on will take a toll on your marriage either way, you already have your doubts about him being honest.

If you're regularly drunk phoning your colleagues after business dinners and talking them into a lovey dovey voice about how much you miss them etc then that's different, your partner will know that's how you are with all your colleagues and it's not a change of character because you'll have been like that with all your colleagues during your whole relationship.

This is different because it's not what her husband does and it's one particular woman, late at nighy, when he thought OP was in bed asleep. If he did this with everyone and it was just an innocent part of his character like it is with you, OP would be so worried.

I think to get through this you really both need to go to couples therapy. He needs to go through why he has attached himself to another women and another relationship outside of your marriage and you need to go so you can tell him how hurtful it all is.

sorry but i would be wanting to see his phone and the picture he is speaking about.
You say they have not seen one another outwith work but i would be questioning if the late nights at work is true.
He could be using work commitments as an excuse to see her.
Also the fact she stayed over at your house I would be fuming about this.