DH and work colleague - am I being naive?

[Solihull1990]

Not sure what the right way to feel is - this is quite long, but I want to set the scene because I’m really not sure. 

I’ve been with DH for 10 years. We’ve had tricky moments along the way, but generally a happy and settled relationship, and we have a 12 month old son. 

DH has a busy job, and he works long hours. I’d forgotten quite how busy he was pre-pandemic - although he’s stayed just as busy over the last couple of years, being able to see him in the morning and at lunch and evenings etc has made him feel much more present. He’s started going back to work half the week, and when he’s gone it’s long hours and in his job there’s regularly an obligation to attend dinners / drinks etc. This has always been the case and I don’t mind - he’s a really present parent when he’s home and the division works for us. 

however, for the last 6 months or so, DH has been on a busy project in work. It’s meant regularly really late nights (home at midnight), and nights away from home. 

a few months ago, DH messaged me at about midnight saying a female colleague was struggling to get home due to a tube strike, and asked if she could stay in our spare room. I of course said yes - I didn’t know this colleague but if she was stranded then it made sense. I was in bed before they got home, but left out some toiletries and bits for her in the spare room. She stayed the night, but was gone before I got up in the morning. 

Last week, DH went out for a business dinner, and returned home late after I’d gone to bed. I woke up, and heard him on the phone, clearly really drunk. He was clearly speaking to a woman, and was saying how much he missed her and how much he liked her, and how he couldn’t wait to see her. There was some vague discussion about a photo she'd sent him but I couldn't tell the context. 

I knew there was no point discussing it when he was in that state, but I brought it up the next morning. He immediately apologised, and said he was talking to the colleague that stayed at our house. He said they were both really drunk and it was just a stupid conversation. She’s also married (he says happily), and he’s adamant there was nothing more to it. he loves me and our son and is really sorry. 

there were no changes in his behaviour before or since, or nothing to indicate there is anything more to this. I can’t see this is a reason to throw away my family for a stupid phone call, but I’m also worried I’m being stupid.

Also, in my experience, married people are far more likely to have affairs with other married people. So much less dangerous than getting emotionally entangled with someone who has nothing to lose by telling your spouse.

Me also. Exactly the same scenario. Looking back there were late nights that I assumed were work events. Who knows. They never tell the truth.

OP,

I think all you can do is take some time to reflect.

What you do know from this is that his head can be turned, he is open to it, that he is capable of flirting and texting another woman and having drunken chats.

I think I would be looking at him differently and I definitely would not trust him fully again.

My trust would be broken.

Whether or not it is marriage ending is your decision.

What I would hope is that you protect yourself within this marriage.

Do not give up work.
Have some savings.
Have a good long hard think before you have another child with him.

He may be embarrassed and it may be genuine, but what he has done would unfortunately make me very wary of him.

I have very strong self preservation though, and this behaviour so early in your child's life would be kicking it into gear.

I'm so sorry.

Sorry but deleting the messages is a big red flag for me.
if he had nothing to hide they would not be deleted.
I would do as others say and ask him to recover the whatsapp messages.

It sounds to me like he fucked up and he knows it, and he values you over any short term fantasy he had in his head. I would try and move on, but perhaps get him to commit to some relationship counselling to make sure you rebuild trust and get proper commitments from him. I don’t think you need to rush to worst case scenario, and I wouldn’t take a big decision based on the biased view of MN posters x

I couldn't just leave it there. I'd need to see the messages.
Sorry OP.

I think reinstalling that conversation is a good idea.

Why would you waste a few years wondering what he was texting another woman?

I’m stunned at what I’m reading, surely no one is this naive.

so he works late suddenly, comes home after midnight, got a “busy project” this woman goes away travelling and he’s on a late night phone call to her telling her how much he misses her and can’t wait to see her, she’s sending him personal photos. He’s deleting the chat so you can’t see it,

and you think it’s proffessional, they aren’t even friends?

the man’s over the side, he’s having a full blown affair. One hundred percent. He’s now admitting only what you already know.

it’s all there, the drunken chats, the late nights, the deleted messages, the personal photos. I’m sorry op. I don’t know about your proffessional non friend relationships but this is not how I conduct mine.

He’s cheating with her.

It being so early on in our son's life is something I am really struggling with, too.

If he isn't the loving, sensible, stable family man I've always thought he was, then me and our son should know now rather than upheave our lives in however many years at a time when our son knows what's going on.

But if he was a drunken twat one one night in one phone call then that just isn't enough to break up our family. Surely?! I just don't know.

I can't imagine there's a woman that would go to the family home of a colleague she's sleeping with. DH was up in the morning with my son before she left ffs!! Surely no one is so cruel.

I will look into the chat backup.

I am just caught off guard and feel like I don't know what to think and I can't trust my instinct. He's never cheated. Before we had our son he would on occasion go out with friends and come home having had one too many without much contact in the night, but I knew his friends and there was nothing suspicious there - we were younger and that's not happened since we've had our son.

By normal ups and downs I just meant normal relationship stuff. Absolutely no red flags over the years. This feels so out of character I can't even place it as being him

He's always worked long hours.

The project is real, and it demands even longer hours and time away from home.

I say that absolutely 100% not to excuse him or say he hasn't cheated on me. I don't know what's gone on and my head is a scramble. But as for how can someone be so naive - until the phone call, nothing is out of character or out of the ordinary.

By "not friends" I just meant that outside of that day, I'm not aware of them speaking outside of work or spending any time together one on one. So it's not even a case of "cut contact" - I don't think they have contact outside of work, other than that day. As far as I've ever known!

This must be so hard for you.. I get why people are saying full blown affair but you have a decade together and a little one so you need to get to the bottom of it before you just leave him and the key is get those messages.

There's a lot to lose if he was just an idiot and there's nothing to prove otherwise really at the minute.

I think OP you are going to have to bite the bullet here and do a back up , which is very possible- I would also want to see his bank statements and credit card statements. Otherwise if you don't , you are going to be ruminating on this for years -I know I've been there- I've been that ruminator. It's far better to strike whilst the iron is hot even if you may find something that's not ok-- it's way better to at least know- and if he has just been stupid he should be jumping through hoops to be honest and transparent - sadly it's often the least likely types that do stuff like this , usually because it's a huge ego boost

I can't imagine there's a woman that would go to the family home of a colleague she's sleeping with. DH was up in the morning with my son before she left ffs!! Surely no one is so cruel.

I don’t think it’s got anything to do with the work colleague.

It was the colleague who stayed over and obviously they work together and attend work events together but I think he’s using her as his excuse - you know about her, you know she’s happily married, you know she’s ‘safe’.

I think she’s the red herring which is why there’s no proof or anything because you’re looking in the wrong places.

I would drop it and say you believe him. Then I’d be keeping a close eye on what he’s doing.
He thinks you think it’s the colleague so he’s going to get over confident and slip up.

Just take a breath OP .
I know exactly how you feel .You don't want to look at his phone as you are afraid of what you will see -I have been there .
Everything is not black and white .You have a life together and a child.It's all very well to say LTB but there a long and far reaching consequences to this .
No one is perfect and we all make mistakes ,some can be forgiven /worked through and some mean the end .
Look after yourself and put your family first .
(I was cheated on and ended up kicking him into touch but I tried with all my heart to keep my family together before I did )
Sending hugs

OP 💐 I, like many before me have been in your shoes. I would have absolutely ruled out my now exh playing away. Professional job, loved his kids, always at home and rarely if ever worked late...but still managed an affair.

I to my shame then did the pick.me dance..and he followed 'the script...played hell with my MH and that of our dc's.

I am saying this as I chose not to push on the evidence. Knowing what I know now I would already have asked for.his phone and be recalling the chat. I hope you have it in your hand now...

There is no way back from this as it stands.

Op, I’m sorry but of course they have contact, she even sent him personal pictures when she was away. He deleted the chat, he called her late st night and was telling her how much he missed her and couldn’t wait to see her. No one does this with someone they are not invovled with. You know this. You don’t do this with a proffessional colleague you don’t have a personal relationship with.

I just think you need to prepare yourself. I’d be very surprised if there is a chat back up or if he permits such a thing.

I also wouldn’t assume the pic he showed you is the real one.

Part of me thinking there’s no way he would bring her to our family home if something was going on - she would have been around our son in the morning!

^ There's a website called socasual where you can arrange to meet people for sex. It is not uncommon to go to someone's house at all. People will do anything when they justify it to themselves. Your husband is a person, that's all you need to be to be the type to have affairs...get the idea he just couldn't do this out of your head.

Mentionitis - one of the biggest clues.

Sorry OP - I agree with most PP's - something's going on. All the red flags - late nights, now evenings out and calls. Sorry.

I'm sorry OP, I would think it is dodgy AF. With you though, don't think you are necessarily naive at all. Some people's jobs are like his, mine is certainly, doesn't mean am having an affair.

I know someone who had an affair with a colleague btw. All conducted during working hours or within his ordinary routine.

His wife would not have noticed anything out of the ordinary in that regard.

You say he doesn’t see her outside of work, and yet he works til midnight. And goes drinking with her…

Also, did he delete just the most recent drunken WhatsApp messages, or ALL their WhatsApp messages (and if all, then why all?)

Sorry honey xx

It may have been wiser not to have flagged you new anything and gone all FBI on him. He’ll now be deleting everything. But if you dig enough you might find something. And it’s well within your rights to do so.

I’m sorry you’re going through this OP 💐 I’d personally tell him to get lost after hearing that, drunk or not, but appreciate your current situation. Hope you find a resolution and feel better ASAP xxxxx

Of course they speak to each other outside work OP. You don't go from 'can I have that report by the end of the week please' to 'I miss you' without a lot in between. A LOT. He is minimising it. Also he clearly deleted the conversation when he was rumbled, which means there was more to it. Insist he tells you everything. And in the meantime you need to contact her and ask her

Ah, OP you poor bugger. What a cock wobble your DH is being.
I don't agree with many others in here that he us already sleeping with her, but he is definitely interested and is indulging in risky behaviour which makes me think it will happen soon.
Look at what's been going on.......
Works long hours with late nights/time away especially in the last 6 months
Goes out drinking with her after work
Is encouraged to go for after work drinks (old boys network at its best)
Brings her to your home after drinking episode (cinsidering his balls as earrings by now)
Late night drunken calls telling her he misses her and really likes her (his balls would defo be dangling from my ears)
Deleting messages. Big. Red. Flag.
He's contrite because you confronted him. If he had nothing to feel bad about, he'd have showed you the messages.
Get your ducks in a row mate, make sure you and your son are able to to go if you need to.
He's far to emotionally invested in some random bird from work. Not cool. He needs to sort his shit out and make his biggest priority you and his son.