Plucking up the courage to leave.

[Bluebeanbag]

I've been in a relationship with H for 18 years and last weekend a thread on here opened my eyes to his behaviour. It was like reading a diary of my own life. For years I've known that something wasn't right but he has always successfully convinced me that I was the one at fault. At the beginning I told myself that the massive rows were part and parcel of being with someone with such a fiery temperament (and the making-up sex was so good!). I tried to absorb all the negativity for the sake of the family. I told myself that he couldn't help it; that he was damaged. But i am finally starting to see things for what they are - that he is an angry and controlling man who manipulates me into believeing that my actions are selfish and I am an 'evil bitch'. I actually feel as though I'm going crazy sometimes because he is so convincing.

So on the basis of what i have read here, my own gut feelings and some straight talking from a friend, I have decided I cannot stay any longer. I have booked an appointment with a solicitor tomorrow to get some advice about the DC and house (mortgaged together) but I need to know what questions I should ask, please. I haven't told him yet - I am utterly paralysed by fear of how he will react. He has never been physically violent towards me but his words can feel like being punched in the face and absolutely destroy me at times. Alternatively, he can sometimes go down the route of hurting himself and threatening suicide which is almost worse.

Firstly, if he threatens suicide you ignore it. It’s control. He is no longer your responsibility.
Are you married ? I’m not sure if ‘H’ is husband or the first letter of his name !

I’m here for a handhold. 💐

sounds like you have a plan in the short term and hopefully with some professional advice, you can plan longer term.
How old are the dc?

please ignore the suicide threats, these are absolutely for effect and control.

sounds like you have a great friend too.

I truly wish I had your strength as I’m sat here now in completely the same boat.

sending love and strength

KangerooKenny yes we are married.

Stormchaser thank you for the handhold. Feeling very down today. We have 2 DS ages 14 and 9. They are a big part of my decision. I have always felt that I didn't want to rip them away from their dad and the responsibility for that weighed too heavily. Since last weekend I'm viewing things through a different lens and beginning to understand the ways in which they may have been affected by my not leaving sooner.

This was me.
I remember when I ended it and it was impetuous and probably foolhardy but it was like ripping a plaster off.
If you do fear for yourself in any way do it in a place where he must control himself and his words and actions.

Are you in England? If so you can get a no fault divorce and do it yourself online.
It will be good to see a solicitor for reassurance though.

I didn't use a solicitor and just did the Form A by myself too. The solicitor will know what you need to know if that makes sense. Make a list ahead of time of assets and debts - joint or otherwise. If you know what's in pension pots and savings that's also good.
At first meeting a lot will be basic marital history, kids time lines etc. if you have up work to look after children. All this counts of you would've been a mega career high flyer etc. but I do think the no fault divorce makes all
This easier and less relevant.

Also do not forget, you can just tell him you are not happy and life is too short to be unhappy. End of story. Make no excuses for yourself. You need none.

Op- my children are the only reason I can’t leave too. The knowledge he would do everything in his power to compete with me over them. Despite him not having anything to do with them currently as far too busy with his own interests. I know he would take them on holidays and try and buy their affection.
I can’t bare the thought of this. But equally having seen my teen dd sob at her fathers behaviour last night makes me closer to the decision too.

Im really by your side 💐

So, he doesn’t need to know about the solicitor. Start seeing yourself as a single person, so therefore it’s none of his business.
You own your home, find out how much is still owed and the monthly payment. And have an idea as to how much it is worth.
Have you taken time out of work/pension to bring up the kids ? That’s relevant.
Do you both have private pensions ?
Any joint savings/accounts ?
Then think about what you would like to happen.
Do you have your own bank account with your wage and child benefit paid into it ?
You are going to need to be strong. Keep the image of your future in your head, and keep working towards it.

AnuSTart yes, I am in the UK. I think all the years of being told that my feelings are not important or not valid means that I am struggling to believe I am entitled to 'just leave'. My straight-talking friend made the same point about the fact that things don't need to be dreadful to want to leave, although they are. It's very up and down. When he's being nice I really question myself.

Sending you lots of strength, it's so hard. I've just told my husband I want a divorce and although for me it's a relief, I'm also terrified about how the kids will be as they love their dad. So many friends have now told me stories of how the kids were fine, or how they were children of divorce and that they were glad their parents split as they hated the fighting. I know my husband will bad mouth me to the kids. I just want to fast forward a year as I feel sick about the next bit. But when it comes that I'm living on my own, with the kids I just think it will be freedom, and life will begin again. You're doing the right thing, stay strong. X

My problem is that, even though I gave up work for mine and DH worked away a lot, the kids prefer DH. So one of the reasons I stay is to keep a relationship with my kids.

Take information on length of marriage, jobs, savings, debts, pensions etc.
also think about what you want and where you want to be in 12 months, focus on that.
Dont get caught up in keeping the house, many women do, to their detriment. DC are often happy to start a new adventure setting up a new home, so friends tell me. DC generally just happy if parents are happy and tension is gone.
Good luck 💐

Seeing myself as single - that's a really good way of putting it. Thanks KangerooKenny. Our finances are quite straightforward really. We have a joint account but only for mortgage payments. Otherwise our accounts are separate. We both have pensions and I took a year off after having each DS. I have all the paperwork on the mortgage and what's owed. We have no other debts. I think he has been saving money somewhere on the quiet but I never really have anything left over at the end of the month.

We use a joint credit card to pay for purchases; food etc. I pay this off each month whilst he covers most of the other hefty bills from his account (including the mortgage).

Does he have a card for your joint CC account ? If so you need to close that as soon as you tell him, or you will be liable for anything he puts on there too.

Yes, he does. Good point. Although money is actually something we never argue about. We're both of the careful, saving mentality. That said, I don't know how he will react when I tell him and may be spiteful in that way. Sorry, just thinking aloud a bit.

I'm sorry to hear you feel trapped like this. Perhaps your perception of how your DC's feel about you has been skewed by the way he makes you feel?

I don't know if I can cancel the cc actually. It's in his name and he is the main card holder. I have no access to the account.

I'd put all your plans in to place before you speak to him - you don't need to 'show your workings'. There's never a way to frame it where he'll say, 'oh yes that makes sense, lets have an amicable split'. But if you're prepared, hopefully you will feel less vulnerable.

That's true. And I think that's what is terrifying me. However it goes, it's going to be dreadful. I just have to keep in mind that in the long term, it's the right thing to do.

Well done OP and good luck !

Stay strong OP. You deserve the best you can be. Go get it x

Thanks all. It was a tough day yesterday. I felt really down for most of the day. I had booked a visit to a local historical site so that we weren't sitting around the house too much and things were pretty normal and I had that huge self-doubt about having decided to leave.

We got back and I cooked us a roast dinner but because it was late being served he started the eye-rolling, huffing and puffing. He gets very low blood sugar at times and says this is one of the reasons he gets angry.

For the rest of the afternoon his mood just kept going downhill. He's acting very depressed and down - sitting with his head in his hands and staring into space - and I don't know how to react. I always feel so guilty when he is like this. I think he may have guessed that something is up. When he is angry it's easier to rationalise my decision to leave.

You are NOT responsible for how he treats YOU.
Depression is no excuse for treating someone badly.
It seems to me he is sensing the change and he is trying to control you.
Stand strong. Please.
Show your kids that it's not ok to treat people that way or to allow people to treat you that way.
You deserve better.

I'm seeing the solicitor at 12 today so I'm hoping I will have more courage and clarity from that meeting. There's so much to think about though, it's overwhelming.

How did you get on?

Oh @Bluebeanbag you sound like you're in the same position as me. DH convincing you that this is all your fault ("you've brought this all on yourself"), not physically abusive but so difficult to talk to it somehow feels worse than that, and you feel as if you are taking an overwhelming gamble as to how your kids will come out of it. I told him at the weekend enough is enough, and he has responded by staying in his dressing down for two days, watching his soul-draining football chat programmes. Not in a depressed way, more in defiance. As if he's sitting there thinking "Ha haaa, that's told her." I hope you got some good advice from the solicitor. How did it go??

Sorry I've not been on for a while. It's been quite difficult. The solicitor was brilliant. She really calmed my fears and set out some options for me. She explained about a non-molestation order and went through the finances of our mortgage etc so that I could start looking at what kind of properties I might be able to afford. She said they can even send a letter to break the news when I am away camping with the DC (H never comes because of a bad back). I have been reading Lundy Bancroft - What Does He Do That? Which has been rather horrifically eye-opening the anxiety and depression have really kicked in now. I'm still living the pretence at the moment but I don't know how much longer I can keep it up. I can't sleep or eat properly. I just don't quite know what to do next.