Plucking up the courage to leave.

[Bluebeanbag]

I've been in a relationship with H for 18 years and last weekend a thread on here opened my eyes to his behaviour. It was like reading a diary of my own life. For years I've known that something wasn't right but he has always successfully convinced me that I was the one at fault. At the beginning I told myself that the massive rows were part and parcel of being with someone with such a fiery temperament (and the making-up sex was so good!). I tried to absorb all the negativity for the sake of the family. I told myself that he couldn't help it; that he was damaged. But i am finally starting to see things for what they are - that he is an angry and controlling man who manipulates me into believeing that my actions are selfish and I am an 'evil bitch'. I actually feel as though I'm going crazy sometimes because he is so convincing.

So on the basis of what i have read here, my own gut feelings and some straight talking from a friend, I have decided I cannot stay any longer. I have booked an appointment with a solicitor tomorrow to get some advice about the DC and house (mortgaged together) but I need to know what questions I should ask, please. I haven't told him yet - I am utterly paralysed by fear of how he will react. He has never been physically violent towards me but his words can feel like being punched in the face and absolutely destroy me at times. Alternatively, he can sometimes go down the route of hurting himself and threatening suicide which is almost worse.

*Why Does He Do That?

I feel as though I'm really on the edge. My stomach is in knots. I have an appointment with my counsellor to talk things through tomorrow but I am having to do this in secret. It will be an online session which I scheduled for when I usually go out for a weekly hobby activity, but this week I can't go to the hobby thing because H is working a late shift and I need to be home to put younger DS to bed. I can still do the zoom at home, but the DC will be around and it's scheduled to finish just as H gets home so I'm completely worked up about the whole thing.

Just do your best.
Explain to counselor what is going on, and you may need to leave the session early.

Thanks Weenurse. It all worked out OK in the end although I kept thinking he had come home early. The session was really positive and we talked through possible scenarios for breaking the news to H, which seems to be what I'm most hung up about just now. I think I've been envisaging saying it and then having to have a long drawn out argument justifying my decision, but the counsellor offered an alternative picture, which is to just tell him, then leave.

She also repeated a few times that I need to have someone there with me but I'm still not sure about that because I feel as though it's a lot to ask of someone. I just don't really know who to ask.

The other main point I'm still stuck on is what to do if he refuses to leave the house. Although we have offers from friends, I don't think it will be a good solution for the DC to be sofa surfing for more than a few nights and arranging the sale of the house will take time.

No advice but sending you support - you are in the hardest part now, but once you get through it, your life and your DCs lives will be immeasurably better because of the courage you have shown. Big hand hold.

Thank you Endlesslaundry.

Im 8n the same situation, trying to get the courage to leave. May I ask what questions you asked the solicitor in the end?

Many similarities here, I stayed for years as I was worried what would happen if he was on his own with the kids for any time, now they are late teens/early 20s and I am still worried but have been planning to have "the talk" next month. I've been told to ring Women's Aid and/or let the police know what my plans are, but I am sceptical either will be that interested tbh.

The other issue for me is his behaviour won't meet the threshold for an occupation order (getting him to leave) so I could be stuck here for a year or more whilst the sale/divorce goes through and he has the right to remain in this house. Be very interested to hear what the counsellor/solicitor recommendations were as well OP, but mostly rooting for you. Have you got a date planned?

Hi bluebeanbag, your Counsellor is absolutely right when she says you should have someone there with you when you tell him you’re leaving. Even if they are outside the house. You are at your most vulnerable when you tell him, and there’s no telling how he’s going to react. I can’t stress strongly enough the danger you could be in if he loses it completely and assaults you. Be careful and keep some distance between you when delivering your news. Apologies for coming across as a worry wart, but trust your Counsellor. I wish you all the luck as you journey towards a happier life.

He threatens suicide to keep you firmly under his control. It's all bullshit and lies. All of it. He's a manipulative, bullying prick who has made an art form of keeping you down. It's time to get angry and ruthless, op. Get him out of your life, he's taken enough of yours.

Pixiedust the questions I had planned I actually mostly didn't need. I was expecting to have a conversation all about legalities but she started by asking me to describe what was going on in the relationship and then confirmed that it ticks many boxes for domestic abuse, even though he hasn't been physically violent (he has been intimidating and blocked me from leaving a room).

She went through our financial situation and told me what I could expect from a divorce and told me to go and start looking online to see what kinds of properties I would be able to afford on my salary, plus collateral from the house and maintenance. She said that doing this 'homework' would help me psychologically.

She also explained about getting a non-molestation order in the event that he behaves in a threatening manner and said that there is also an occupation order which would exclude him from the property whilst the sale of the house was organised.

We (me and the DC) have a trip planned for the beginning of the summer holiday and she said we could even set things up to make application to the court for these orders while we are away without telling him so that we are protected before he even knows about it.

She also talked about protecting my pension by asking HR for a nomination form to change the death in service payment to the children rather than spouse.

The questions I had planned in case they are useful to you were:

What is the difference between a legal separation and a divorce?
Are there any legal implications if I leave the family home?
Can I insist that he leaves?
How would we make arrangements for the children?
What are the costs involved?
What are our (both me and H) legal rights with respect to the children? E.g. can either of us take them abroad? What about contact?

Most of these she either answered during the conversation or I felt that it wasn't the right time to ask them yet.

One question I didn't ask but I'm wishing I had was, how do we go about appointing a mediator, as I have a feeling that negotiations are going to be far from easy and he is so used to bullying me into agreeing with him that I feel I want someone else to help organise arrangements.

Staplescorner I have a vague date of the end of July because we will be away for a few days which I could potentially extend to give us some time out but I'm panicking because it's getting closer and I feel as though I'm weakening. It all seems so huge and because we are in a stable period just now, it lulls me into a false sense of security.

Did the solicitor advise to just proceed with a divorce rather than do a legal separation first? I'm interested in what benefit the legal desperation offers, rather than just filing immediately?

Bare, she said legal separation doesn't give you as much financial protection, particularly with regard to pensions. It's used mainly for couples who are separating amicably or are unsure about whether they actually want to end the marriage.

Hi. I just wanted to give you a positive story from a similar situation.

I faced the conversation and had about another 7 months living together but that was probably the least argumentative period of our marriage!

Nearly 2 years later we coparent successfully and rarely bicker and it’s been this way on the whole for the entire time since that first conversation.

I think standing up to him and taking control of the situation made him realise that his ways were no longer going to work with me and he pretty much stopped instantly.

I was petrified at the thought of telling him and how the following 6-12 months would be - unnecessarily in the end!

good luck

Thank you, and good luck for July!

Thanks Trixymumofone, I'm glad it worked out for you 😊

Your solicitor sounds great! I think its a good idea informing him while you are away as you sound terrified to confront him in person. Maybe extend your time away for some headspace. You've been conditioned to be fearful of his reactions so like a pp said up thread, try starting to feel your anger about how you have been treated over the years. The injustice of it all. Stand up the the bully!

Crystalize bullying definitely describes his actions. I do need to channel the anger. I think it's difficult at the moment because he's being 'dad of the year' currently and he 'let' me go to a friends for dinner last night without all the usual huffing and puffing and sulking. I have a feeling he knows something is up and is trying to make amends. I know it's too little too late but it plays on my guilt.

My mother left because my father was violent and frightening and very verbally aggressive. She didn’t want us to grow up thinking this was normal. We were 10 and 8. It was the right thing to do but w Reid become latchkey kids and so suffered in different ways as she struggled to keep us afloat. Prioritise the kids and being there even if this means reduced means, would be my advice, having been the kid.

He must be sensing somethings up so is putting on the nice act. This won't last, it's part of the nice/nasty cycle of abuse.

Crystalize, you are right. He has reverted to sulky behaviour this afternoon after I reminded him that I had a hair appointment today.

Does your dd sobbing because of him not make you think she’d be better off without him? Sounds like she needs to be away. Why would you stay with him when he does that to your child?

@Stormchaser1502 I agree with @Cherrysoup I'm sure your DD won't thank you for staying for her sake when she's older.
If you split you tell him it would be wonderful if he takes them away for holidays as it means you can get out and about yourself... watch him swiftly backtrack if he thinks he'll be doing you a favour. So sadly predictable.