Plucking up the courage to leave.

[Bluebeanbag]

I've been in a relationship with H for 18 years and last weekend a thread on here opened my eyes to his behaviour. It was like reading a diary of my own life. For years I've known that something wasn't right but he has always successfully convinced me that I was the one at fault. At the beginning I told myself that the massive rows were part and parcel of being with someone with such a fiery temperament (and the making-up sex was so good!). I tried to absorb all the negativity for the sake of the family. I told myself that he couldn't help it; that he was damaged. But i am finally starting to see things for what they are - that he is an angry and controlling man who manipulates me into believeing that my actions are selfish and I am an 'evil bitch'. I actually feel as though I'm going crazy sometimes because he is so convincing.

So on the basis of what i have read here, my own gut feelings and some straight talking from a friend, I have decided I cannot stay any longer. I have booked an appointment with a solicitor tomorrow to get some advice about the DC and house (mortgaged together) but I need to know what questions I should ask, please. I haven't told him yet - I am utterly paralysed by fear of how he will react. He has never been physically violent towards me but his words can feel like being punched in the face and absolutely destroy me at times. Alternatively, he can sometimes go down the route of hurting himself and threatening suicide which is almost worse.

I know this part is hard… I can definitely understand the emotions you must be experiencing (I always give in & “try again”) so genuinely - keep going. You can do it. And we are all here. Keep updating and I will keep coming back to (hopefully) support you 🌺

@Honestbluebell thank you and 💐to you as well. I hope my experiences can also help you with yours. Your message has made me quite teary (in a good way).

Thank you for the thread. I read it last night when I should have been sleeping. I want to end my relationship but all the things you said plus I find life so hard as a parent. SEN. Care for parent. Hard job. Not sure where to start. I am so impressed with your strength of mind. Best wishes to you OP.

@WhenIsEnough thank you. I gathered all your collective strength again to get up and face another day this morning. I think there comes a tipping point when you have just had enough and then the way becomes clear. I spoke to a friend IRL yesterday who said that I can't move backwards, I can only move forwards now and even if the direction is not clear, the momentum is there.

@Bluebeanbag when you dread going on holiday with your partner but not your kids. That can’t be right!

Good morning. Here to add another handhold and a happy-ending story.

Same as you and many others, I stuck it out in an unhappy marriage too long.

After I told him it was over we were stuck in the house waiting for it to sell for 14 months (would not recommend). During that time he went through all the stages of grief and then some - shock, denial, guilt, anger, bargaining, remorse, displaying to me what I was going to miss out on (emotional, physical, financial), performance parenting. He hacked into my computer (this was 15 years ago), stalked me on Mumsnet, stalked me when I went out…. Oh and started online dating about 3 weeks in. Veiled suicide threats.

However, as my mind was made up, while some of this was undeniably difficult to live with it just hardened my resolve and as time went on I found it became water off a duck’s back, and he gradually gave up.

If you can live separately while the house is sold do; if you can’t then prepare for a bumpy ride. (I would imagine even if you can’t separate the house will sell quickly in this market).

But, once we did separate, oh the bliss. Absolutely worth all the short term unpleasantness. And the longer we are apart the more that is the case.

XDH is now happily remarried and I suspect is a better husband second time round. I am very happily remarried and DH is a wonderful man.

So gird your loins and carry on - your very happy ever after is just round the corner.

@LadyGardenersQuestionTime that sounds awful! I'm so glad it worked out for you in the end. I do feel stronger now that my eyes are open to his tricks. He doesn't have the power he once had.

@Bluebeanbag it was odd - I haven't written about it like that for ages and rarely think about it in any depth, even though it was pretty awful. But as I knew it was not forever it was tolerable - as you say, once you take control you have the power, it's just a tantrum. And it was like childbirth - messy, painful and occasionally humiliating but very short term and absolutely so well worth it in the end.

The day I moved into my own home he took the kids away for a holiday. I put a chain lock on my new door, locked it, and stayed home blissfully alone for several days. It was wonderful! I can still remember that feeling of lightness and happiness and relief.

@Bluebeanbag @LadyGardenersQuestionTime
A Month before I moved out - I found a house for me and the DCs and animals to rent - I was so scared when I signed the contract - it was so final but I knew I had had enough and I was going to get my life back - I was not going to waste any more of this precious life on a selfish man baby who does not understand the difference between healthy argument and verbal and emotional abuse......I knew he would never leave the house while we separated / divorced and I knew leaving him would have been horrific.... its been 4.5 months since I moved out and I can honestly say I have not felt so at peace / relaxed in forever...... no more walking on eggshells...no more working out is this going to set him off.......no more getting screamed at just because he is drunk and in a mood..... Bliss...... Once I moved out I told him that no one else would have put up with him as long as I did.....

@2022NewTimes I would dearly love to walk out with the DC right now but my salary wouldn't cover rent and bills. I am trying to keep my eyes on the horizon and focus on the day when the house is sold and I can buy a small place with my share of the equity.

I just got home to a begging letter and suggestions that we sell the house and downsize so that we can go travelling with the DC. I told him I didn't want to do that with him any more.

Gosh the pressure is immense though. He's really trying his best to make me crack. I just keep reminding myself that I can't go back to pretending to love him.

You know you can claim UC as a single parent and if things get nastier look at the rent deposit scheme to move out with the DC and claim help with housing benefit too?

Hi, have you got a link to the original
post your read - the one at made you realise it all more clearly please?

@RandomMess no, I hadn't thought of any of that. Thanks.

@Yearsyonder I am a bit of a Mumsnet virgin 😁I have only just worked out how to @ people! Haha! I was trying to figure out how to link. I will have another go. It was titled Confronting DH about his sulking and the OP was jamaisjedors if that helps at all.

Original thread

I still haven't managed to get through all the subsequent threads to find out what happened with jamaisjedors in the end.

They still aren't divorced thanks to the wonderful French system but she has happily moved on!

@RandomMess were you on the threads? Thanks, I'm glad she has moved on. I felt such an affinity with her. It was like reading a diary of my own life at times.

Have you read the one that her lost the plot and she had to move out pronto with her DS and he has some in-patient time? Basically he cannot handle not being in control.

Yes I've been on all her threads through the YEARS 😳😳😳😳

So bit of an update from tonight. May be a long one, I'll try to be succinct.

He has told DSD (23, lives with BF, they have recently had first DD in April). After lots of arguing/more begging (him)/tears (also him) and some angry comments, he has decided to go and stay with DSD for a few days to 'give me space'.

He has told the DC that he is going to stay with DSD for a few days to help with their DD as she hasn't been well (true). He asked me not to tell the DC that we were splitting up yet, because he feels that it's too quick. He made what I thought was actually the only decent point to come out of his mouth in this whole debacle, which was that I decided I was going to leave at the beginning of June, so I have been processing that for over a month now. He would like more time to process before jumping in and telling the kids. He also added to this that he feels I will also change my mind (this point let him down again).

There was a lot of going round in circles with him saying that I store up all my grudges and why can't I forgive him for anything? If only I had talked to him at the time, he could have made me see that my understanding of what he meant was wrong. I misinterpret him. I am making him out to be some kind of hideous monster etc etc. He was crying because he felt like he was walking out on his kids (this really got to my guilt).

In the end I had to say this conversation is over and it's time for you to go. He then threw back at me, oh OK, I'll just bugger off then and I just let him go.

Immediately after he left I had a major wobble and really wondered what the hell I was doing putting him through all this. I called a friend and told her to give me a verbal slap. Then I went downstairs and read a lovely bedtime story to DS2 feeling lighter than I have felt for years.

@RandomMess yes, that's pretty much where I am up to. Sounds horrific. She has shown such incredible strength.

And now you know why his first marriage failed!

It's just more of the same, it's all your fault...

@Bluebeanbag - he is gaslighting you - blaming you for misunderstanding him - that you are wrong in what you thought he meant.... Sounds like my STBX - he told me I had a list and everytime he did something I added it to the list - he did not understand that the things I reminded him that he said/did to me - any other person would not say that to someone they love - they were awful.......

He is doing the poor me - I am misunderstood bollocks - you understand exactly who he is - thats why you have got to where you are right now - and you are going to put you and your kids first - you have given him too much of your valuable time already......

It is incredible how effective it is (the gaslighting I mean). As soon as he started it, I began to question myself. Up until that moment, I really had no doubts whatsoever.