Plucking up the courage to leave.

[Bluebeanbag]

I've been in a relationship with H for 18 years and last weekend a thread on here opened my eyes to his behaviour. It was like reading a diary of my own life. For years I've known that something wasn't right but he has always successfully convinced me that I was the one at fault. At the beginning I told myself that the massive rows were part and parcel of being with someone with such a fiery temperament (and the making-up sex was so good!). I tried to absorb all the negativity for the sake of the family. I told myself that he couldn't help it; that he was damaged. But i am finally starting to see things for what they are - that he is an angry and controlling man who manipulates me into believeing that my actions are selfish and I am an 'evil bitch'. I actually feel as though I'm going crazy sometimes because he is so convincing.

So on the basis of what i have read here, my own gut feelings and some straight talking from a friend, I have decided I cannot stay any longer. I have booked an appointment with a solicitor tomorrow to get some advice about the DC and house (mortgaged together) but I need to know what questions I should ask, please. I haven't told him yet - I am utterly paralysed by fear of how he will react. He has never been physically violent towards me but his words can feel like being punched in the face and absolutely destroy me at times. Alternatively, he can sometimes go down the route of hurting himself and threatening suicide which is almost worse.

MontanaMountains I do think it plays into his sense of self-pity. He was depressed even before any of this came up, but he has a tendency to want rescuing and looking after with anything emotional. He has no strategies for self-help at all and wallows in his victim status. He often says the whole world is against him.

He has just told me that he doesn't blame me for ending the marriage. Lie* *

He realises too late what he has done and has seen the light. Lie - hasn't seen the light - just seen the future and doesn't care for it.

He said he knows he has lost everything and that he will never love anyone as much as he loves me. In the main, another lie. He's realising what he has to lose. Loved having the power over you to play mind games more than he cared for you.

He says he doesn't want to make things difficult for me and that he will do whatever he can to make things easy for me. Also a lie. He's currently scheming how to make things for you as difficult as he possibly can. He's already threatened he'll go for custody of the children.

His strategies aren't original. He doesn't realise that but you do.

The mind games are so confusing. It leaves me questioning everything.

You've seen he'll switch between angry and viscious, and caring, in an attempt to get something/anything to make you change your mind. He'll do 'drama' for a reaction (He took off his wedding ring). He'll play on your emotions. It will feel like all his normal behaviours but magnified ×10. The cycle of switching between nasty and nice sped up. Anything to weaken your resolve.

Lots of
Sort out the bedroom issue today. If you are going to stay in main bedroom then remove all his clothing etc so he has no reason to come in. Otherwise move all your clothing etc to the spare room. You need clear boundaries otherwise everything will become muddled as you will err on the side of being kind, which he will use against you.

I am still in two minds. I need to leave but can't work out how.

Apologies for my post- wrote it but was delayed sending. Just seen your 07:50 update.

I agree with the idea of moving into the spare bedroom. I did this and it was my safe haven, somewhere to escape to when I was tired of the drama. I moved in all of my stuff and he had no reason to come in.

He will probably try everything, anger, grief, wheedling, guilt tripping. Others are right, in my case I realised it was all about him seeing his future and not liking it.

My ex was not used to me saying no to anything and behaved like an outraged toddler at times. Sometimes I would start to feel sorry for him then remember that we were here because of his behaviour over many years.

Counselling really helped me, having someone call the relationship abusive made all of the gaslighting and darvo easier to ignore.

Stay strong, you will not regret standing up for yourself.

Get a lock for the spare bedroom door. You cannot trust him not to steal, damage or go through your things.

Depriving someone of sleep is also abuse.

I am going through something similar at the moment.

I just wanted to say that my husband has blown hot and cold at me for a while while he adjusts to what I have told him.

I wanted to end my marriage because he was also controlling and entitled and would get angry any time I tried push back. I was told I was the difficult one, not grateful enough, over sensitive etc. my head and heart told me I was being bullied. My confidence and self esteem hit rock bottom.

I paid to see a well qualified therapist, and although it wasn’t an epiphany like yours, she validated my feelings.

I told him I was unhappy and suggested relationship counselling to soften the blow. He refused, agreed and refused again a few more times. He has only been apologetic once (after a few drinks).

We have had some major rows simply because I refuse to back down and stay quiet like I usually do. I’ve been told to go (we are both retired) don’t go.

it’s early days for you, so you might be in for this sort of behaviour for a few weeks. I suppose you could offer relationship counselling as a way soften the blow while he gets used to the idea. Too much has been said during our rows for this to be a way forward anymore for me.

For weeks he has been “haranguing” me anytime our paths meet and so I’ve been trying to keep out of the way. My husband has a very dominant charismatic personality, and this is probably the only time in our very long marriage I have been in the driving seat. The loss of control is unbearable for him.

So I guess I am warning you that this may be what is coming your way. It’s horrible but has to be endured if you finally want to be free. Once he’d got used to the idea I wasn’t going to stay, he than started focusing on the money, and how I’m going to deprive him of his cushty retirement funds. I discussed with my therapist how I could actually leave the room when he was giving me one of his soliloquies on how hard done by he is.

I am so sorry I’ve rambled rather. Be prepared for the emotional onslaught to get worse before it gets better. We are now about to divvy up some rooms in the house, so I can have my own private spaces that he can’t just keep invading.

Best of luck. But I understand so well feeling awful and just the meanest bitch in the world for not just giving in to all their demands, no matter how selfish or entitled they are.

OP- @Bluebeanbag just checking you’re ok x

Thanks @Honestbluebell yes, I'm ok although slowly losing my mind. He came into the kitchen while I was cooking dinner for the DC and said 'I think a lot of the reason why I'm so stressed is because I'm always so worried about not earning enough money to support you all'. I nearly told him to fuck off. Instead, I said, 'I don't think you're hearing me, it doesn't matter why you're stressed any more because it's over'. I felt quite powerful saying that and he just walked away, but he certainly hasn't given up.

Thank you @sleepymum50, you certainly weren't rambling. I'm finding other people's experiences of this situation so helpful. The original thread which helped me to understand that it was actually abuse was on here and you have all been amazing. I was walking back home from the shops earlier and dreading facing him again so I imagined the handholds from you all holding me up and pushing me on. It really helped!

I am supposed to be WFH tomorrow but I think I will go in to try to get some space as he has no work on tomorrow and it will be just the two of us. I have a counselling appointment on Tuesday night and a telephone appointment with my solicitor on Wednesday, all of which are helping me survive too.

I'm in a similar situation and I have made it clear the marriage is over. We are stale mate, he won't leave and I can't afford to yet..! Following for tips in all honesty and of course sending hugs your way. xx

@Bluebeanbag - Well Done for telling him its over..... He has shown you over the years time and time again who he is..... Its all about his feelings......He will try and hoover you back in.....pretending to be the model husband and father but thats just an act to try and make you feel gulity and question your decision to separate. He will revert to type. its who he is and he cannot change and even if he did the damage has been done.

Keep going OP. You'll get there. He's behaving terribly, unfortunately you need to steel yourself as it will probably get worse before you get to a place where you're away from him. Just keep going, one step at a time. You are totally doing the right thing. I came out the other side of a similar situation a while back and it was tough but completely worth it. The amazing women on MN are here to support you. I hope you've got support IRL too.

@stoptheride I think that's where we're heading. He said earlier that he wants to just press the pause button. I asked him to think about next steps and what his next move would be but all he keeps talking about is how he can fix things, despite the fact that I have made it abundantly clear that there is no going back or fixing to be done. I can't afford to move out with the DC so if he refuses to leave then we will be in stalemate too.

@2022NewTimes in a nutshell, that's exactly it!

@DoubleYouOhEmAyEn thank you 🙂I do have great support IRL although noone who has been in the same situation. I've been emotionally preparing for this since the beginning of June so I had already told a few close friends that I was planning to leave him. I've had lots of offers of bolt holes so if it gets really dire there are plenty of people I can call on short term.

You are so brave, keep channelling your inner strength - time to put you and your boys before this horrid man for good 🙂

@Bluebeanbag me and the children are off on our camping adventures from Saturday next week with no firm date of return.. it's killing him not knowing our dates and all the details. I'm not game playing but I absolutely refuse to give him every detail which in the past was an absolute must. He lost his control, I feel strong (but scared) but have no intentions of backing down. Im in the spare room now, best thing ever! I've removed all vital documents to a safe place.. I expect him to turn on me soon and no doubt your thinking the same. You know what.. this time next year things will be very different and so much better 💪 one day at a time, you'll get there.

@stoptheride we have camping adventures planned too! Although at the moment only for a few days. Feeling like that might get extended however...

I've just asked him to think about 1 - telling the kids, 2 - who will move out while the house is sold, 3 - selling the house. His response was that he doesn't think we have exhausted all avenues yet and that it will destroy the kids if we split up. He says we won't have enough money to buy separate places (my solicitor has worked out approximate figures and says that we have) and he helpfully reminded me about a prenuptial agreement I signed which says we will split 60/40 (which I had entirely forgotten about, because it was 15 years ago). I said whatever the money situation is, I still can't stay with him purely because I can't afford to leave. I've left him downstairs with his thoughts and he's switched the football on 😱I've told him I'm sleeping in the spare room and that he is not to come in during the night (which he agreed to - we'll see).

Door wedge on the spare room.

Pre-nup in the UK unlikely to hold up now you have DC to factor in but speak to solicitor about that.

Just wanted to say I think you are amazing for what you are doing. Keep going and stick to your guns. Your future will be bright !

@RandomMess that's what I was wondering - surely children change the situation?

@Doris899 thank you 😊 I am feeling a bit shaky and battle weary right now.