Plucking up the courage to leave.

[Bluebeanbag]

I've been in a relationship with H for 18 years and last weekend a thread on here opened my eyes to his behaviour. It was like reading a diary of my own life. For years I've known that something wasn't right but he has always successfully convinced me that I was the one at fault. At the beginning I told myself that the massive rows were part and parcel of being with someone with such a fiery temperament (and the making-up sex was so good!). I tried to absorb all the negativity for the sake of the family. I told myself that he couldn't help it; that he was damaged. But i am finally starting to see things for what they are - that he is an angry and controlling man who manipulates me into believeing that my actions are selfish and I am an 'evil bitch'. I actually feel as though I'm going crazy sometimes because he is so convincing.

So on the basis of what i have read here, my own gut feelings and some straight talking from a friend, I have decided I cannot stay any longer. I have booked an appointment with a solicitor tomorrow to get some advice about the DC and house (mortgaged together) but I need to know what questions I should ask, please. I haven't told him yet - I am utterly paralysed by fear of how he will react. He has never been physically violent towards me but his words can feel like being punched in the face and absolutely destroy me at times. Alternatively, he can sometimes go down the route of hurting himself and threatening suicide which is almost worse.

You dont need to argue or spell it out.
"Divorce is final, You are not my friend "
should be clear enough.

I'm glad you're going to stick to your guns about keeping your new home free of him.
I think he'll try to come in regardless, so I echo everyone's advice about a Ring doorbell.

He will still want to be "the boss".
But he's not he is just a guy you used to know.
You've been historically frightened of his reaction from your very first post.
Actually now, you can remove that cloak of oppression.

There has been something that struck with me in your first message, so I have spent all morning reading the thread from beginning to end. You have gone through so much and it’s clear that you are in a much better place now.

I’m sure that you are going to be happier, stronger and much more self-aware from now on.

Looking forward to read that you and your DC have settled wonderfully in your new house and that you feel more free than ever. Xxx

Perhaps it might inflame the situation but might it be a good idea to text him as soon as you move and before he ever collects the children that you do not want him to come into your home, cross your door?

It will be proof that he was informed.

He's such a twat, I think he could well try.

I'm sure you've done these already but:

• Don't forget to set up a post office mail redirection online. I think this takes seven working days.
• Hopefully you've got new bank accounts that he has no access to, with new, hard to guess passwords. - Does he know your credit/debit card details? Speak to your bank/card supplier to ensure he can't run up debt against them
• Write to suppliers to take your name off utility/internet bills, shopping apps, TV subscriptions etc. (Especially as he's likely to lock you out if those accounts)
• Change your address online with your bank immediately and with your employer.
• Change your death in service and occupational pension beneficiaries with your employer.
• Contact your new council, online, and register for the 25% single occupier council tax discount.
• Contact your old council and tell them your leaving date.
• Contact DWP and give them your new address - you'll need your NI number.
• Take a photo of your gas and electricity meters and send a reading to your supplier on your last day, telling them your left your old address.

Sorry if you've already done it had these suggestions.

Good luck for the next phase of your life. 🌹

Fabulous news!

To freedom.🍾🍸

Pleased to read that things are finally moving forward for you!😁

Thank you all for your amazing support and advice. I will certainly be getting a video doorbell. I will order it before moving date so it arrives in time and can be installed on the first day!

@Newestname002 I have done some of these already but there are a few I needed reminding of. I was thinking I had to wait until I had actually moved before changing all my address details with employer etc. Can I do that now?

Anything I can get done before the actual day will help.

Also, I've completed the UC calculation and it seems that I would get more for applying for childcare tax credits. Does anyone know any reasons why UC might be better? DC2 only has one more year of primary left after this year so this might be a factor?

I mean tax free childcare.

I was thinking I had to wait until I had actually moved before changing all my address details with employer etc. Can I do that now?

Yes you can give a start date, as well as how long you need the redirection for, pay online etc. I think you need to give about 7 days before redirection starts. 🌹

Tax free childcare only allows you to pay for childcare, you can't use the money for anything else, and you're only eligible until your child is 11. Its also limited, you get a maximum of £500 every three months, but to get that maximum you need to pay in £2000 over that period. So if your childcare cost is less than that you won't get the full benefit.

UC might be more flexible in that you could use the money for other things, but I'm not sure about eligibility and your children's ages etc.

I've been through the benefits calculator and with the amount I earn, pension contributions the childcare costs (which will likely increase as DC2 may have to spend more time in breakfast/afterschool club) etc it comes out as around £400 more per year through tax free childcare than with UC.

Lurker here 👋🏻

Remember with UC you have the next two COL payments this year (£600 odd), and they pay upto 85% of your childcare. It’s definitely worth getting an appointment down your job centre to double check.

I work and find that my earnings basically take away the UC payments overall, aside from the childcare payment (which changes every month depending on what I’ve paid), but it’s always been worth more than the tax free childcare payment. You’d also possibly get more help with prescriptions, opticians etc which might help in the long run.

I would recommend possibly applying anyway, as you’d get an appointment to discuss your application anyway, and they will check you’re getting everything you’re entitled too. It takes a few weeks before a first payment also so doesn’t hurt to get the advice in the meantime.. worse they can do is say you’re not eligible or say you’re better off with tax free childcare?

@Sparrow91 that's a really good advice. I will see if I can get an appointment. Thanks.

I was on the old tax credits system and I did find that overall I got more benefit from tax free childcare than from what we were getting in tax credits, so I can imagine it might be the case with uc as well.

It's seeming as though I may need to do something way out of my comfort zone again. Bit of a long explanation so bear with me.

The consent order which sets out our financial split has not been finalised, as we are waiting for pension valuations which can take up to 3 months to come through. One of the points H insisted on in the consent order was that when we sell the house, the money from the sale is split between us before deductions are made (mortgage, estate agent and solicitors fees), so that we are paying 50% each of these deductions rather than 61/39%.

The conveyancing solicitor has said the deductions have to be made first. I have told H this and said that we may need to sort out the difference afterwards between us. He didn't reply to this message.

A friend said today that when the remaining money is split I should refuse to give him anything until the court has finalised the Consent Order. I know this makes sense, but I'm really panicking about the prospect of him getting nasty if I do this. I keep telling myself he can't do anything but I'm still scared.

I’ve been following your thread for a while and silently cheering you on. I think you should do exactly what your friend has said. You were always getting the rough end. This is the time to put your foot down. He isn’t going to behave well regardless of what you do. I know it’s tough and I don’t want to discount that, but in the long run this might be a gift.

I agree.

You can do this.

You are so brave.

I know you can do it.

Amazingly brave, OP.
This is one of the most heartening threads I've ever read on MN.
You are wonderful.
You've done this for yourself and for your children. Those boys have a lioness for a mother.
Take heart. You've come so far. It isn't much further and your ex does not deserve any more money.
Don't let him have it.
He's diddled you financially for years. I bet more revelations will happen as the dust settles on your marriage.

@Bluebeanbag i was just wondering how you were doing! Here’s another one saying ‘do what your friend said’. You know he’s trying hard to shaft you (and thus your boys), you know he’s kept money from you in the past and through this divorce process. Chin up and keep going! Don’t cave now!

@Bluebeanbag you already gave in to a unfair split - that was back when you were much more under his power.

but you have shown so much strength since then. your writing and attitude changed in your posts, becoming less affected by his control.

why don't you look at this situation as an experiment: you never have been stronger than now - why not finally stand up to him. finally don't do as he demands. It's not outrageous - you are simply following the conveyancing solicitors advice: the deductions have to be made first.

Have you calculated the financial difference this money would make? Put a picture in your head, really visualise what this money would mean for you and your kids. How it would help your new start, something your boys might need or a holiday.

You can do this. "I'm following my solicitor advice, we need to wait until the consent order is final"

I still don't recognise that person you are all describing. I don't feel brave, or like a lioness. I still feel scared all the time. I suppose the difference is I'm doing it even though I feel scared, whereas before I would have been frozen into inaction.

Your messages have really made me look at myself in a different way today. Thank you so much everyone ❤️ I wouldn't be where I am today without all the cheerleading and support from this thread.

Dear @Bluebeanbag

I looked up the definition of bravery:

"having or showing mental or moral strength to face danger, fear, or difficulty"

Sounds like you to me...

You know it too as you say:

"I still feel scared all the time. I suppose the difference is I'm doing it even though I feel scared, whereas before I would have been frozen into inaction."

That's very much to be admired. 🌹