Plucking up the courage to leave.

[Bluebeanbag]

I've been in a relationship with H for 18 years and last weekend a thread on here opened my eyes to his behaviour. It was like reading a diary of my own life. For years I've known that something wasn't right but he has always successfully convinced me that I was the one at fault. At the beginning I told myself that the massive rows were part and parcel of being with someone with such a fiery temperament (and the making-up sex was so good!). I tried to absorb all the negativity for the sake of the family. I told myself that he couldn't help it; that he was damaged. But i am finally starting to see things for what they are - that he is an angry and controlling man who manipulates me into believeing that my actions are selfish and I am an 'evil bitch'. I actually feel as though I'm going crazy sometimes because he is so convincing.

So on the basis of what i have read here, my own gut feelings and some straight talking from a friend, I have decided I cannot stay any longer. I have booked an appointment with a solicitor tomorrow to get some advice about the DC and house (mortgaged together) but I need to know what questions I should ask, please. I haven't told him yet - I am utterly paralysed by fear of how he will react. He has never been physically violent towards me but his words can feel like being punched in the face and absolutely destroy me at times. Alternatively, he can sometimes go down the route of hurting himself and threatening suicide which is almost worse.

Epic performance 👏 off you trot pal. Stay strong woman, this is another tactic.

I have been feeling sick all day. It just goes against the grain for me to cause someone this much pain. I didn't expect to feel so guilty. I thought the overriding feeling would be relief. I feel like I'm crumbling.

@Bluebeanbag - Can you get him to move out - or can you move out? Please put yourself and your kids first and ignore his tricks..... he is just trying to make you cave - like you probably normally do... Try not to be in the same room as him - limit your exposure. You have done the hard bit and told him....

Why are his feelings more important than yours ??? He is performing and waiting for you to give in... As soon as you do within no time you will be back to square one. You only have one life......please use it for what you want and deserve and dont waste it on this man baby

Hi bluebeanbag, I've recently told my husband it's over and am still living in the house with him. 2 young kids and he is quite controlling/mentally abusive. But generally a good dad and loved by all who know him 🙄 I can't wait for the day I have my own house! But this is so hard, the atmosphere, feeling a rollercoaster of guilt and upset. It will be so, so worth it stay strong. Absolutely no going back, you've done something amazing and strong.

@2022NewTimes he has gone to stay with DSD for a few days but the guilt has hit now he has gone.

I think it's guilt for the kids really. I know he's behaved despicably, so it's definitely the right decision for me, but I know the DC are going to be devastated at least short term. Particularly DS2 who utterly dotes on 'fun daddy'.

@Bluebeanbag - I was with my husband for 30 years before I had enough and left - time and time again I gave him one more chance - I felt guilty so stayed. TOO LONG -
I was also scared this time when I first told him - but the sense of relief not having to live with him and his moods is undescribable - I have peace and quiet - no shouting ...no rages.....no sulking - The phone calls I got after I left were painful - but he is in a much better place and more accepting of it now..... he knows I will not be coming back. Give him time to get his head around it but do NOT let him change your mind...

Staying would be damaging for the DC, they too would like pick abusive partners because that's what they would have learnt.

They will still have fun Daddy.

@Bluebeanbag Dont feel guilty for kids - they will prefer to have a happy mum . Kids dont want you giving up your life and happiness in their name. They might even resent you for it later ........They can still have that relationship with their dad - that does not have to change

You are all right. And my head knows that. I'm just fighting the emotions. I'm having counselling tonight so hopefully that will help me to sort it out.

Back on track! The counsellor helped to rebuild my confidence in myself. She seems to hone in on whatever he has destroyed and stacks everything up again. Feeling much calmer.

Also had a civil text conversation with H in which I suggested that I go and stay at a friend's for the weekend so that he could come back and spend some time with the DC's.

All good tonight. Thank you for all your wonderful support and head wobbling skills xxx.

Gosh I was so tired last night I didn't realise I had put very unmumsnetty kisses! 😬Apologies!

Keep going @Bluebeanbag

Spoke to the solicitor again today (H doesn't know I have contacted a solicitor). We have planned that I will take it day by day over the next 10 days, after which I have the camping trip with the DCs planned. When I get back I will see how the land lies at that point and then get back in touch with her to decide where we go from there. She suggested the next thing would be to issue the divorce proceedings.

She warned me against getting trapped in a cycle whereby he lives out of the house all week and then I move out at weekends to allow him to come back and see the DC's. This is what is happening this weekend and would be very likely to continue.

I also asked how long it would take to issue a non-molestation order in case he becomes nasty. She said it could be done within 24 hours.

As he keeps threatening to take the DC's, I also asked what the likelihood of that happening would be. She said that custody is decided on the basis of who is the main caregiver and who is the more practically able to meet the children's daily needs.

The 'prenuptial agreement' it turns out, is only a Deed of Trust which was made before we were married and before the DC, so she thinks it wouldn't be an issue as financial decisions are made on the basis of need.

You're making such good strides and I know you're in the thick of it at the mo, but you're on the way to a peaceful life. I hope he settles down soon.:(

@GoT1904 thank you 😊

Just a general question really. For those of you who have been through similar, how long did the awful bit last for you before things started to settle? Also, what did you find was the key to starting to live a more settled life?

Just had the first contact with H for a couple of days. He text me asking how my week had gone and saying he loved me and was missing me and the DC. I didn't know how to reply. Then a couple of hours later he messaged again to say a member of his family had had a stroke. I couldn't think what to say by text so I called him. This may have been a mistake. He was crying and asking if it is really happening and begging me to give him another chance, saying he is going to change etc etc.

This is so hard because I genuinely believe that his behaviour is not conscious. Clearly this doesn't change the fact that I don't love him any more and I pointed out that I am not going to pretend to love him while he tries to change. He seems to think this is fine by him. I said it would not be good for him because it would be damaging to his own self-esteem.

We ended the phone call with me having to leave to pick up the DC and he hardly made a sound as I put the phone down. Am I actually crazy for doing all this? I don't feel as though he is full of tricks. I do think he is genuinely distraught, it isn't all an act, but does that actually matter?

@Bluebeanbag

Dear OP.

He was never going to make this process easy for you. Please re-read your first post, at least, especially these extracts:

But i am finally starting to see things for what they are - that he is an angry and controlling man who manipulates me into believeing that my actions are selfish and I am an 'evil bitch'. I actually feel as though I'm going crazy sometimes because he is so convincing.

and

I haven't told him yet - I am utterly paralysed by fear of how he will react. He has never been physically violent towards me but his words can feel like being punched in the face and absolutely destroy me at times.

Don't take those steps backwards please. I know it's scary to consider breaking away and starting again, but you could have a lifetime of the behaviour you fear from him, if you do. 🌹

It's so much easier to leave when they are being mean, they put on their kind face and it's just so hard. But that's not real, and if it is, it's not sustainable ongoing. My DH is controlling, I'm not sure it's conscious, but I still need to remind myself why I'm leaving when he's actually being nice! Especially when I think about the kids. You're doing the right thing x

@NotReallySure yes, it would be far easier if he were being mean. He has kept up the crying and begging ever since I told him a week ago, which is what is sucking me back in. When I could see all his behaviours as manipulations it was easier but he is genuinely devastated.

@Newestname002 yes, you are right. I can't do another 18 years of the same. I am flipping between immense guilt at what feels like ripping the family apart, and recognising the truth of what he has done for so long.

Imagine a few years down the line if you stay.... Him back to his ways and you'd be miserable. Stay strong x

"He is genuinely devastated"

Well yes his easy life where he had someone to control and manipulate and put down to make himself feel better is at risk! He was very happy the way things were and your happiness didn't matter to him at all.

It’s interesting how often women trying to break free from men like your stbx feel agonising guilt about hurting the suddenly devastated, weeping broken soul, feel they’re ripping the family apart etc. Why carry this load when it is not your burden? HIS behaviour caused this separation, HIS nastiness, bullying, his vicious verbal assaults , poisoning family life and the love you had for him. All the promises to change - that never happened before - if you can change from being an angry, manipulative, rude, unpleasant specimen NOW that just means he chose to behave that way. So why would you choose to spend your lives with someone who did that? And can choose to do it again.