Plucking up the courage to leave.

[Bluebeanbag]

I've been in a relationship with H for 18 years and last weekend a thread on here opened my eyes to his behaviour. It was like reading a diary of my own life. For years I've known that something wasn't right but he has always successfully convinced me that I was the one at fault. At the beginning I told myself that the massive rows were part and parcel of being with someone with such a fiery temperament (and the making-up sex was so good!). I tried to absorb all the negativity for the sake of the family. I told myself that he couldn't help it; that he was damaged. But i am finally starting to see things for what they are - that he is an angry and controlling man who manipulates me into believeing that my actions are selfish and I am an 'evil bitch'. I actually feel as though I'm going crazy sometimes because he is so convincing.

So on the basis of what i have read here, my own gut feelings and some straight talking from a friend, I have decided I cannot stay any longer. I have booked an appointment with a solicitor tomorrow to get some advice about the DC and house (mortgaged together) but I need to know what questions I should ask, please. I haven't told him yet - I am utterly paralysed by fear of how he will react. He has never been physically violent towards me but his words can feel like being punched in the face and absolutely destroy me at times. Alternatively, he can sometimes go down the route of hurting himself and threatening suicide which is almost worse.

I'm really having a moment today. I had to instruct my solicitor and send back the client care letter. I really struggled to do this - I felt like such a bitch because he still has no idea. Instructing a solicitor feels so formal and scary.

Then I got home and H was ranting about work not giving him enough shifts next months. The rant wasn't directed at me but his aggression and language just made me so uncomfortable. Following the rant, he then said we should look on the bright side and the fact that he doesn't have many shifts might mean we could go away somewhere in August. I felt sick and nearly said something but was too scared. Now feeling awful.

Oh @Bluebeanbag you've got this. I say that as a woman who has spent the last year trying to do the same.

My DH will also have no idea. I have tried talking to him and suggested counselling but he just gets so defensive and then either angry or sulky and basically "I can't believe you're unhappy and you're throwing our family away"

My DC are 1 and 3. I can't bear the thought of losing them. But I'm only in my 30s snd the thought of being bullied and patronised for the next 40 years is just unbearable. But also the thought of me dropping the two kids off to him. They both still wake in the night and ask for me.

Oh it's so bloody hard. Both options feel shit. I actually worry DH will hurt himself. I feel so stuck

To get such good legal advice did you have to pay a lot for their first meeting?

Also did she give you a sense of what might be your situation in terms of money? I know they can't give an accurate answer but I really just want someone to give me some general advice about what might happen with the kids and the house.

I once described my personal situation to someone on here and they said my DH might get custody of the kids and demand maintance from me and I'd rather put up with anything than that

@Bluebeanbag you have my sympathy for feeling guilty but HE is the one who should be feeling guilty for treating you this way for so long. HE should be feeling heartsick that he has driven you to this. Your anxiety and discomfort with him ranting is your gut shouting at you to leave this stressful situation. How do you think the dc feel? You feeling sick when he suggests going away is more of your subconscious telling you the same.

Minty90 I paid £168 for a one hour face to face meeting. I took along mortgage statement and we discussed how the house might be split and what I could expect financially in best and worst case scenarios.

We didn't really talk about contact arrangements other than the fact that she said 50/50 can be confusing for the DC as they never have one 'home' as such. I felt that discussion about contact was something to talk about further down the line anyway.

Goody2shooz I agree. I just need to find the courage to go through with telling him. The DCs don't often see the ranting. It's mostly directed at me. That's not to say they won't be picking up on the atmosphere. I know it's not healthy for them and they are forefront in my mind in all this.

Well it has all come out tonight. He has taken the route of crying, self-deprecation, calling himself names, retching in the bathroom and trying to convince me to try again. I have stood my ground and told him it is over although it goes against every fibre of my being. It is so ingrained in me to care for him that I have found it very difficult to just walk out and go to the spare room.

I tried to get him to talk about what we are going to do (short term) but all he keeps saying is 'try again'. He tried to say we should try again for three months. I said that may work for him but it wouldn't work for me (I was quite surprised at my own response!)

He has just come down to say that he is going to take a sleeping tablet. I'm hoping that isn't a veiled suicide threat (he has previous form for this).

I'm going to have to find reserves of strength for the coming days/weeks because he is clearly painting himself as the victim and is unlikely to agree to anything voluntarily (I.e. move out). His victim status plays right into my ingrained behaviour or wanting to care for people. It's so hard to resist that. I am reading my list of his past behaviours to try and keep myself on track.

You can do this OP- stand your ground. I’m so sorry you’re in this situation but feel very proud of you (a stranger!) for pushing through with this. Better days will come, but for now keep coming back here & posting. Sending you a HUGE hug x💟

Well done Bluebeanbag. Handhold from me. It's difficult now but it will get better and you and the DC will be out of the toxic environment. They probably realize more than you think. Sending love

In your original post you talk about “an angry and controlling man who manipulates”
This is what he is trying to do now, control and manipulate.
Stick to your plans.
Good luck

Well done! Stay strong, you DESERVE to be happy! You deserve to be free. It's not your job to fix him or save him, or to sacrifice your happiness for his. He will be a noose around your neck forever. You need to get out and don't look back.
I know it's hard but try to block him out.

Oh @Bluebeanbag I really do feel your pain. I'm like you in that the thought of going through all of this sometimes makes me feel like just giving in and continuing to plough on forever just to avoid hurting others' feelings. But you and I both know this is not the way. I am so pleased that you've told him, and even though he will put on his Shakespearean act as all these men do, please stick with it. He's an adult and he will have to deal with it. Look how long you've dealt with it up to now. Sometimes I feel likes it's the woman's job to just carry and carry and take more weight and carry that too, and then carry a bit more til we're one step away from breaking before we even give the slightest hint that we might not be 100% happy in the situation we're in. You've taken a massive step here. Please keep going. And please know that you are inspiring others like me to take the leap. Be proud of yourself and do this xx

@Bluebeanbag oh wow, it’s all going on, I hope you can feel strong and keep going. When I asked about your dc, I meant it as just that - how do they feel about their dad kicking off at you, do they talk about it to you or is it that they’re used to it, I didn’t mean the question to sound accusatory. As others have said, the suicide threats, veiled or otherwise, are just more manipulation. Find your anger and keep to your plan, you’ve got a better life coming. And for all of you worried that the previously lazy and indifferent husband will want 50/50 childcare (when they’ve done none of it til now), most of the time that’s just another nasty threat to frighten you into staying and putting up with more of the same old 💩

This is more emotional manipulation, stay strong and do not hesitate to phone the police if he kicks off and you are scared

Wow thank you everyone. Feeling very weak and fragile but your posts are giving me so much strength. Thank you.

He has been following me around crying and begging for most of the day. He knows that I am someone who tries to care for everyone so he knows this is my weak point. He has also threatened to try and get custody of the children this morning and tried to give me back his wedding ring. He's jumping through all the hoops and despite feeling weak and under pressure, at the heart of me I know that my decision is made and I am leaving. I'm just dreading how bad it's going to get.

Goody2shooz I didn't take your comment as accusatory at all. I just know that in the past I told myself that staying together was in the DC's best interests but now my eyes are fully open to his behaviour, I can see why it isn't the best choice.

@Bluebeanbag

What a hypocrite he is, OP. Crocodile tears and trying to appeal to your nurturing side: ⬇️

He has been following me around crying and begging for most of the day. He knows that I am someone who tries to care for everyone so he knows this is my weak point.

Then reverting back to the nasty, controlling person he really is ⬇️

He has also threatened to try and get custody of the children this morning

when you stay resolute. Stay strong my dear and try and envision the better future you will build without him. Sending you a handhold. 🌹

@Bluebeanbag I have been where you are and I know how hard it is. My ExH suggested we 'try again' and I stupidly agreed and all it did was delay the inevitable while I grew ever more dead inside.

He was also emotionally abusive and I remember reading 'Why Does He Do That?' with a growing feeling of recognition and horror.

He said lots of things about me breaking up the family, that no-one would ever love me like him, that I would do so badly by myself and I'd regret it, that I was having some sort of breakdown, that he was basically the best husband in the world and I was just ungrateful. He went on to play the poor abandoned man, cruelly treated by his terrible wife but as it turned out, no-one believed him except his sibling.

When it was clear that it really was over, he turned his attention to trying to stop me getting 50% of the finances (after 30 years together) because he decided I hadn't contributed as much as him. He got nowhere with that of course as I had a great lawyer who looked after my interests.

It's not an easy road but I have been on my own in my own place for a year now and I have never been happier and more relaxed. My DCs were both over 18 when I left and they have been incredibly supportive and can see how much happier I am.

Stay strong, it's hard but worth it in the end.

The DC and I spent the evening at a friend's house whilst H went out with his friends. He has come back slightly drunk and full of remorse. He says he has spoken to his friends about it all and they have been really good - not 100% sure if this is true. He has always refused to speak to anyone about our marriage because he says it is only between us.

He has just told me that he doesn't blame me for ending the marriage. He realises too late what he has done and has seen the light. He said he knows he has lost everything and that he will never love anyone as much as he loves me. He says he doesn't want to make things difficult for me and that he will do whatever he can to make things easy for me.

Following this I said I was going to bed in the spare room. He insisted that I go up to our bedroom and he would sleep on the sofa. I ignored this and went up to the spare room. 20 minutes later he came into the spare room and insisted I go up to our room. I just gave in although I feel more uncomfortable in our room.

Is this all just another twisted mind game or is he really repentant? Not that it makes any difference to my decision to leave. I feel as though he hasn't really heard what I have said because he still isn't backing off and leaving me alone.

Again, the ‘controlling’, he wants you where he thinks you should be, according to him.
Not where you want to be or are more comfortable.

Another mind game I’m afraid @Bluebeanbag you’re doing great by the sounds of things. Keep the head down, don’t waiver, it sounds like you are taking all the right steps. 💐

Just coming on for a handhold with you. This is a very familiar picture you are painting and you are doing brilliantly. It's awful for both of you, but remember that it is happening because of who he has been through your marriage and he has had choices all along. He will say all sorts of things at the moment, be very careful and although it's understandable to be sympathetic, do not feel guilty about his pain. (At one point my ex, when we had already moved out, suggested we should live next door to each other 🤔). Focus on the future for you and your children.

Keep up with the sessions if you can. Having a safe place to gather your thoughts, say things out loud, consider different scenarios and how you might respond, all very valuable exercises for when you are stuck alone in difficult one-on-one conversations. It’s a worthwhile investment and will give you strength and courage.

Thank you all. The mind games are so confusing. It leaves me questioning everything. So predictably, he has just come into out bedroom at woken me on the pretext of getting some tablets. He sat on the bed and stroked my arm and asked whether I had managed to get some sleep. When I said yes, he said 'good' in choked up voice. Normally I would have asked if he was OK or had he been to sleep etc but I just stayed silent and he left again. I think I will sleep in the spare room tonight because he has less excuses to come in and disturb me.

Sorry to keep going on about every little thing which is happening just now. I feel as though writing it down here helps me to see it for what it is and not get drawn back in.

@Bluebeanbag

He says he doesn't want to make things difficult for me and that he will do whatever he can to make things easy for me.

And yet he is... if he really wanted to make things easier for you he'd give you the space you need, instead of manipulating where you should sleep and then invading your space anyway and making you feel vulnerable.

And what nonsense about his offering to sleep on the sofa when there's a bedroom available.

Be careful of what he says, and even more careful of what he does. 🌹

He insisted you sleep in your usual bed as it feeds into his victim narrative and he can tell everyone that "I've been relegated to the couch, poor me, boo hoo. See how much of a victim I am in all this.", even though you have a perfectly good spare room by the sound of it.

Sleep in the spare room from now on and get a door wedge so he can't just walk in. Sending courage to you OP, it's going to be a bumpy ride, but you've got this.

So the visits in the night continued. He came up again at 5.20 apparently looking for his phone and then finally again at 6.20, at which point I gave up and asked what he wanted to say to me. He said he is just desperate and hoping I will change my mind. I went through it all again, explaining that I have been thinking about splitting up for years but that during the last month my mind has been made up (due to having seen the light through an amazing Mumsnet thread - i didnt say this!). I said I am not going to change my mind under any circumstances because I would be throwing myself away for the sake of others and I can no longer do that.

He then was overcome by nausea and went to lay on the bathroom floor. When he came into again I told him to go to bed and I would take the DC out to the park or somewhere.

I feel as though I'm going to have to play hardball to get the message across. I wish I had somewhere to go with the DC so that I could just walk out and it would all be on my terms.