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Original poster

DH, his beard and no sex

201 replies

headache · 16/06/2022 23:58

DH loves his beard I hate it, it’s not so much a beard but thick jaggy stubble. I have fibromyalgia and very sensitive skin so him touching me hurts. Kissing is a no no nevermind anything else. There’s no compromise he likes his beard I hate it. I refuse to have sex with him if he has it as I’m not having sex with no kissing or oral. He sometimes will shave it off but then I feel pressured into having sex and it feels like he shaves it off when HE wants sex IYSWIM. Sex can’t be spontaneous I can’t wake in the morning and jump him anymore. It feels like he controls our sex life now if he shaves he expects sex yet he won’t shave it for me. So now I’ve dug my heels in a bit and we haven’t had sex for ages. I’ve tried asking him to compromise say 2 weeks out of four but he won’t budge. I don’t know who is being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Bunty55 · 17/06/2022 00:00

So when he has a shave it means he wants sex?

Why can't he just ask?

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 17/06/2022 00:02

Can't he grow it just a bit longer so it softens up?

Arenanewbie · 17/06/2022 00:06

He is unreasonable. I’m on your side as I personally don’t find beards attractive. And it does feel controlling because he only shaves it when it suits him.
Maybe he doesn’t like sex anymore?

Original poster
headache · 17/06/2022 00:10

He will say things like “if I shave can we have an early night tonight?” So if he shaves it’s expected even if I’m then not in the mood which is a bit ick. Don’t worry I won’t do it if I’m not in the mood.

Even if he grew it I would still find it a turn off I really don’t like beards on anyone , I find them very unattractive.

OP posts:
Bunty55 · 17/06/2022 00:10

We need more info OP. Has he always had a beard? Did he have one when you met him? Is this a new thing.. perhaps he is growing a beard to hide jowls as he gets older?
You really need to sit down and talk to each other

PleaseGoDontGoAgain · 17/06/2022 00:12

He sometimes will shave it off but then I feel pressured into having sex and it feels like he shaves it off when HE wants sex IYSWIM

Has he said that or do you feel that? Have you explained you can no longer jump his bones with any spontaneity? Have you discussed the change in frequency of sex?

bloodyplanes · 17/06/2022 00:18

Does he demand you shave your body parts as well? I don't see how you think its ok to tell/ blackmail him into not having a beard! Its his body.

Original poster
headache · 17/06/2022 00:19

No he’s not always had a beard we’ve been together 28 years. Maybe the past 5 years he’s been growing it but the past maybe 6 months to a year it’s been there constantly. The thing is I think he looks so much better without it, he’s a good looking man, still young looking and his beard is going grey so it actually ages him. He looks slimmer without it. I’ve spoken to him about it, he knows it’s the reason I won’t have sex with him so either he loves his beard more than sex or he can’t be bothered having sex with me anymore. Don’t think he’s getting it anywhere else as he WFH and the only place he goes is the gym he’s not got the opportunity! Maybe it’s an excuse for a lack of sex drive, I’ll need to ask him. He’s physically very fit and the fitter he gets the higher his sex drive gets.

OP posts:
PleaseGoDontGoAgain · 17/06/2022 00:20

bloodyplanes · 17/06/2022 00:18

Does he demand you shave your body parts as well? I don't see how you think its ok to tell/ blackmail him into not having a beard! Its his body.

If it hurts you're allowed to say "That hurt's stop it".

PleaseGoDontGoAgain · 17/06/2022 00:24

The fitter he gets the higher his sex drive gets

Is he spending more time at the Gym?
A beard seems like a weird thing for him to have dug his heels in about. I might have spent too much time on MN but Gym and Beard and change in frequency of sex isn't a great trinity.

Original poster
headache · 17/06/2022 00:28

@bloodyplanes see I don’t demand he shaves it off as your right it is his body he can do what he wants with it

@PleaseGoDontGoAgain it wouldn’t get that far as I would even consider having sex or even kissing him with a prickly beard, I just wouldn’t enjoy it, it would hurt too much.

OP posts:
DreamingForYou · 17/06/2022 00:30

You sound controlling Op.

Original poster
headache · 17/06/2022 00:32

@PleaseGoDontGoAgain no the gym has replaced running marathons as he’s knackered his knees he’s always been very fit but he will have off seasons then ramp up the training again.

move said to him what if I shaved off all my hair and dyed it bright green? You would hate it and hate looking at me but there’s nothing you could do about it that’s how I feel

OP posts:
Original poster
headache · 17/06/2022 00:35

@DreamingForYou how am I controlling? DH having a beard hurts me, I have fibromyalgia which means that things that don’t hurt other people hurt me. I want to be intimate with my husband I have a healthy normal sex drive I enjoy sex but I can’t have it because of his beard. I can’t make him shave it off so we are in a Catch 22.

OP posts:
BadNomad · 17/06/2022 00:56

Neither of you are unreasonable. He can have a beard. You don't have to have sex with someone that you don't find attractive. It is what it is.

I mentioned this on the fat wife thread - I find beards a total turn off. Proper "yuck!", not just "meh". If my DP grew a beard I would not find him attractive and would not want to have sex with him. It's his right to grow a beard if he wants, of course, but that would probably be the end of the relationship for me because sex and attraction in a relationship is important to me.

Stichintime · 17/06/2022 01:00

Could he condition it to make it a bit softer?

Eeksteek · 17/06/2022 01:00

I wouldn’t sleep with a man with a beard. I don’t find them attractive at all, and they are uncomfortable to me. If you want to be with me, you’ll shave your face. It’s your choice, of course, but it’s my boundary and one is not more valid than the other. And I’ll ensure I have no facial hair, either. Fairs fair. I’m not asking for removal of body hair, which isn’t uncomfortable for me (physically. It’s not a looks thing, it feels horrible. There’s no way I could enjoy sex with that sensation on me).

if a man asked me to shave my legs because he didn’t like the sensation, I would be ok with shaving on the regular. I mean, I’m sure they’d be off days, but I’d make the effort as a rule. I wouldn’t shave pubic hair though, because its horribly itchy when it grows back and I get nasty acne and ingrown hairs.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable. It might be unresolvable though. There’s not a lot of compromise. It’s not like he can shave one side!

SpidersAreShitheads · 17/06/2022 01:06

bloodyplanes · 17/06/2022 00:18

Does he demand you shave your body parts as well? I don't see how you think its ok to tell/ blackmail him into not having a beard! Its his body.

These were my thoughts too.

If a woman came on here to say that her partner had demanded that she shaved off her pubic hair because it prickled his skin, he would be absolutely slated as controlling.

OP, you are entitled to your own feelings but you sound incredibly entitled and there’s nothing that suggests you understand that it’s a big demand to make of another person ie/that they have to change their body to meet your demands.

You need to talk to each other. The only reason he’s “controlling” your sex life is that you refuse to have sex unless he’s clean shaven. If the sexes were reversed people would be outraged at this attitude. It’s not the request that’s the issue but that you seem to think he’s being unreasonable making choices about his own body…..

IdiotCreatures · 17/06/2022 01:17

Has everyone else missed the fact that OP will be in pain if she is near his facial hair?
Fibro is the pits and I don't personally think that someone who loved their disabled partner would want to make their disabled partner's life worse.
If OP had IBS (very common in fibromyalgia) and her partner was hogging the one toilet they had so he could read the paper, leaving OP with no easy way of attending to her medical needs, would that be viewed as reasonable behaviour?
Similar scenario imo.

Bunty55 · 17/06/2022 01:18

I just don't understand why you don't talk to each other about this ?

Mumnetter111 · 17/06/2022 01:29

Why are you so controlling let the man have hair where he wants. Imagine how you’d feel if he wouldn’t touch you until you’d shaved your leg hair off.

SpidersAreShitheads · 17/06/2022 01:31

IdiotCreatures · 17/06/2022 01:17

Has everyone else missed the fact that OP will be in pain if she is near his facial hair?
Fibro is the pits and I don't personally think that someone who loved their disabled partner would want to make their disabled partner's life worse.
If OP had IBS (very common in fibromyalgia) and her partner was hogging the one toilet they had so he could read the paper, leaving OP with no easy way of attending to her medical needs, would that be viewed as reasonable behaviour?
Similar scenario imo.

Not really because OP could have sex with her DP but just avoid his face if it really is absolutely that painful. She’s digging her heels in because she doesn’t get to dictate his bodily choices.

They could make a compromise that if either of them fancies spontaneous sex they’ll just avoid facial contact - but plan in some shaven nights during the month too….

In truth I’d want to keep my partner happy so if I were him I’d probably just shave. But there’s also the question of softening agents etc - I find it hard to believe that there’s absolutely nothing that makes it tolerable, even if it’s only some of the time and he shaves for the rest. It just sounds like OP wants everything her own way 🤷‍♀️

BadNomad · 17/06/2022 01:48

@SpidersAreShitheads you think she should still have sex with someone she isn't attracted to if she can avoid the beard?

No kissing, no oral, just straight PIV sex with someone you don't fancy. That sounds fun.

MangoTango28 · 17/06/2022 01:54

I am torn.
I use to be 'all off' kinda of woman but now I just get bikini wax and leave the middle. I'd be abit put out if DP said he wouldn't go near me anymore because of my choice.......
and I'm entitled to change my mind along the years on it (just because it's something I use to do previously in the relationship)

I think like others have said, you will just have to do it without the painful parts I'm afraid or wanting to be in the moment.

and although I do feel for you with your pain - your still moaning abit when he HAS shaved it off? You set the expectation he needs to shave to have sex then seem suprised when he does just that.

HaveringWavering · 17/06/2022 02:00

I’d love to know if there are women out there who enjoy kissing men with beards (women without medical conditions). My DH had one for a while and I actually thought he looked OK with it but kissing him with it was just grim. I hung out the bunting the day he shaved it off!