DH, his beard and no sex

[headache]

DH loves his beard I hate it, it’s not so much a beard but thick jaggy stubble. I have fibromyalgia and very sensitive skin so him touching me hurts. Kissing is a no no nevermind anything else. There’s no compromise he likes his beard I hate it. I refuse to have sex with him if he has it as I’m not having sex with no kissing or oral. He sometimes will shave it off but then I feel pressured into having sex and it feels like he shaves it off when HE wants sex IYSWIM. Sex can’t be spontaneous I can’t wake in the morning and jump him anymore. It feels like he controls our sex life now if he shaves he expects sex yet he won’t shave it for me. So now I’ve dug my heels in a bit and we haven’t had sex for ages. I’ve tried asking him to compromise say 2 weeks out of four but he won’t budge. I don’t know who is being unreasonable?

Hmm, you keep talking about your medical condition, but also how off putting it is when the beard longer and softer so it is not just physical sensation.
You openly tell him you won't have sex with him while he has a beard so why you find it strange that he asks you 'what if I shave my beard tonight'.. It is a logical response to your actions.
I have a feeling his beard is a some sort of statement and must be important to him.

I don't think it's unerasonable to ask him to shave when it causes you real discomfort. It's not the same as asking him to do something that would cause him real discomfort. In general I think spouses should be willing to do these things for each other and also willing to forgo things that would bring discomfort if possible. Forgo a beard, or forgo shaving pubic hair, it's very similar.

That being said, it sounds like he thinks he is doing that by shaving from time t time, and while I totally get the feeling that it makes it seem like he is controlling the situation, I think that's more of a projection. It likely doesn't seem like that at all to him and I don't imagine it would occur to him that you felt that way about it, or would think of him as a person who would do that. He's probably just trying to get all the things - to keep his beard whoch he really likes and also to have sex and please you.

You could try to make it clear, in a nice way, that you feel like it ruins the spontenaity of your sex life and that's important to you. But it might also be worth considering if there are ways you can compromise - maybe you don't always need kissing for sex, for example.

Exactly, so he can't kiss her, can't grow a beard. Sounds all one sided and controlling.

In disbelief sometimes reading things on here.

I'd leave.

@headache You wrote: He sometimes will shave it off but then I feel pressured into having sex and it feels like he shaves it off when HE wants sex IYSWIM. Sex can’t be spontaneous I can’t wake in the morning and jump him anymore.

Firstly, you shouldn’t feel pressured into having sex, but neither should he.

Secondly, him shaving before sex seems that he is trying to take your feelings, comfort into consideration. That he is trying to make a compromise so that his feelings are taken into consideration too. There should be a balance.

Can you work on a compromise where you both get what you want?

Clearly he wants to grow a beard and I am a great believer of body autonomy.

Clearly you have a medical condition that makes kissing someone with facial hair painful. I do think it’s important to make necessary adjustments to peoples disabilities, medical needs etc. within reason.

I don’t think that he should have to be clean shaven all the time to accommodate you. Even if it impacts on spontaneity.

You both have sexual needs so you both should be able to initiate sex. You both should be able to give or deny consent.

Is there a way for you to spontaneously initiate sex and if he consents allow him enough time to shave?

OP, I have heard that fibromyalgia can be very painful. I understand how this may put you off from sex if every time your partner comes near you, it's going to give you pain. You've been together for 28 years, may be you can explore some other ways of enjoying physical intimacy together, if he doesn't want to shave his body hair for you. Which again, is something he and you should definitely sit down and have a honest conversation about.

Just something to keep in mind - there are other ways to have satisfying physical intimacy with a partner. Like toys, words... even a look of appreciation. Sometimes I don't feel like having sex, I might be on my periods and I don't like messy sex, so I just give a BJ to my hubby, it still counts as sex to me as I can make sure I get pleasure from it. I do this because I still find him attractive and desirable, in spite of the fact that he has a prickly beard that I certainly don't admire.

I shave my pits, and so does my husband, because neither of us like hair in our mouths. There's mutual consent here. He has a designer stubble that's very prickly - ouch! - so we kiss carefully. It slows down things, yes, but I don't mind it, really, I like careful kisses. And obviously we do other things too! Personally I can never say no to sex fully just because of a beard. I don't think I will like it at all if my husband refuses to have sex with me unless I "did something" for him.

If you are saying no to the whole concept of sex itself because your husband refuses to share his beard, then there seems to be more than just facial hair to this discord.

Sorry OP, but your OH can't win- he keeps his beard and you don't want sex because it's uncomfortable, he shaves it off and you feel pressured for sex.

I don't think you can fairly compare pubic hair and facial beards.

We don't all walk around with pubic hair on show .

So beards and pubes are not comparing like with like.

I think OP he is putting his own wishes first. If my DH had a beard (which he did once in a while) and knew it really turned me off, he'd get rid of it.

I am struggling to understand why having a beard is so important to him, and more so than sex with you.
That's the odd bit.

Beards are not body hair.

They are facial hair.

Body hair is chest hair, pubes and armpit hair (and legs, tummy etc)

Yep! Love it, my dh has a beard (more than stubble but not really long) and it suits him and I kiss him happily. Doesn't bother me at all. I would be most disappointed if he shaved it off!
(But it is his face and he can choose to if he wants - no adverse pain effect for me)

Don’t be ridiculous read the OP properly.

You openly tell him you won't have sex with him while he has a beard so why you find it strange that he asks you 'what if I shave my beard tonight'.. It is a logical response to your actions.

^This. You opened up this can of worms OP. Your Dp can’t win. And you shouldn’t dictate what he does with his body.

I have the same problem . DH knew I hated facial hair when we met abs that it was a dealbreaker.
I do feel the same pressure as you though, but he accepts that he can shave but we might not have sex.

I think the shaving when he wants sex, regardless of whether op does, and sulking when he doesn't get it, that are the problems. It's a bit unilateral.

OP what happens if you say 'why don't you shave so we can have an early night'?

Could you reframe his shaving/not shaving in terms of how you'd get ready for a hot date? So you'd have a shower, maybe shave and use body lotion, choose your best undies, do your make up etc. That wouldn't feel to you like coercion to have sex, just preparation in case you got lucky.

If you see him shaving intermittently as date preparation would that help?

HaveringWavering.
I absolutely love a man with a beard , I will not date a man who doesn't have one actually. If they keep it tidy kissing is fine I love running my fingers through a beard while kissing . A really long beard however is a no no a decent trimmed styled beard or longer stubble type is great it's a real turn on for me

You've backed yourselves into your corners and there's no way forward. Sounds like you need to reconnect.

But you have told him beard means no sex! It is you that has started this bargaining for sex.

My current chap really suits a beard, fancy him just as much. However, there's less kissing with one, can't say its the most comfortable thing in the world even without a medical condition.

Don't worry when you go through menopause you can get your own back lol. I always trim my beard before having sex with DH

To help stop it hurting, ask him if he will use conditioner on his beard - it makes the prickles much softer.

The beard trend must reach an end soon.

It feels a tiny bit like he can’t win - if he shaves it off for you for sex then you feel pressured (which I understand - I feel the same when DH is suspiciously helpful with bedtime..)

why does he like his beard? Is it anything to do with feeling self conscious about his face?

This
No beard = you pressure to have sex
beard = don’t want sex with him

Does he want sex with you? Knowing his beard is SUCH an issue for you and you won’t be intimate with him, yet he keeps growing it. Of course it’s his choice although if I knew my partner can’t have sex with me because of something like body hair, I’d shave them as I care about our sex life.

Maybe he doesn’t care about it, which is another issue you should address with him.

And fwiw I’m not a massive fan of kissing with beard/stubble but think oral with it feels lovely 🙈

I feel exactly the same as you OP. I'm autistic and the sensation of a beard against my face (or any other part of my body for that matter) makes me want to crawl out of my own skin. Those people who are reacting negatively to your post probably can't abandon their own frame of reference to see it from your POV. People react that way to me too - "what, you'd turn down a great guy just because he's got a beard?" unless he's truly okay with severely reduced intimacy that never involves his face against any part of my body then too right I would!

Not sure what to suggest here because you've gone for the compromise and he didn't go for it. I just wanted to reply to affirm that your position is valid and say I'm sorry that the compromise wasn't a solution.