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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DH, his beard and no sex

201 replies

headache · 16/06/2022 23:58

DH loves his beard I hate it, it’s not so much a beard but thick jaggy stubble. I have fibromyalgia and very sensitive skin so him touching me hurts. Kissing is a no no nevermind anything else. There’s no compromise he likes his beard I hate it. I refuse to have sex with him if he has it as I’m not having sex with no kissing or oral. He sometimes will shave it off but then I feel pressured into having sex and it feels like he shaves it off when HE wants sex IYSWIM. Sex can’t be spontaneous I can’t wake in the morning and jump him anymore. It feels like he controls our sex life now if he shaves he expects sex yet he won’t shave it for me. So now I’ve dug my heels in a bit and we haven’t had sex for ages. I’ve tried asking him to compromise say 2 weeks out of four but he won’t budge. I don’t know who is being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Sauce99 · 17/06/2022 12:00

Does he make threaten you with no sex if you don’t shave your pubic hair? YABVU

me4real · 17/06/2022 12:10

and although I do feel for you with your pain - your still moaning abit when he HAS shaved it off? You set the expectation he needs to shave to have sex then seem suprised when he does just that.

@MangoTango28 If the person isn't in the mood for sex at that time, then they aren't in the mood. There can't be expectation whatever one person does to make the other have sex with them. No one is in the mood every moment. If you're not horny at that time, you can't just turn it on like a tap.

MangoTango28 · 17/06/2022 12:43

@me4real the beard won't grow back in minutes?! Surely there's a window of opportunity there!

Silverswirl · 17/06/2022 12:49

Sauce99 · 17/06/2022 12:00

Does he make threaten you with no sex if you don’t shave your pubic hair? YABVU

Many men don’t find women with long arm hair or long leg hair attractive? I get very dark very long hair all over my legs from ankles to groin which if I don’t shave makes me look as if I have hairy trousers on. Not nice to look at or touch from DH view so yes, I shave it off because you know, compromise is how a marriage works!

Carlycat · 17/06/2022 13:06

As he didn't have a beard when you met him him it's not unreasonable to saying you're not attracted to him now, regardless of your fibromyalgia. For me it would be a deal breaker as I find beards rather ick 🤢
And I find the manipulation he's using shaving his beard off when he fancies a shag really creepy

Carlycat · 17/06/2022 13:08

Ps. Get a decent vibrator!

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 17/06/2022 13:23

Carlycat · 17/06/2022 13:06

As he didn't have a beard when you met him him it's not unreasonable to saying you're not attracted to him now, regardless of your fibromyalgia. For me it would be a deal breaker as I find beards rather ick 🤢
And I find the manipulation he's using shaving his beard off when he fancies a shag really creepy

The op is the one that started the no shave no shag. So you can hardly blame him

I can't believe you'd divorce your husband if he grew a beard. MN is batshit

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 17/06/2022 13:24

Silverswirl · 17/06/2022 12:49

Many men don’t find women with long arm hair or long leg hair attractive? I get very dark very long hair all over my legs from ankles to groin which if I don’t shave makes me look as if I have hairy trousers on. Not nice to look at or touch from DH view so yes, I shave it off because you know, compromise is how a marriage works!

If my partner said shave or no sex I would honestly leave him.

Sunnytwobridges · 17/06/2022 13:34

TheGoodEnoughWife · 17/06/2022 06:30

Yep! Love it, my dh has a beard (more than stubble but not really long) and it suits him and I kiss him happily. Doesn't bother me at all. I would be most disappointed if he shaved it off!
(But it is his face and he can choose to if he wants - no adverse pain effect for me)

Me too! I love a beard as long as it's neatly trimmed and close cropped. I actually prefer a man with a beard.

Ejk1990 · 17/06/2022 13:36

Carlycat · 17/06/2022 13:06

As he didn't have a beard when you met him him it's not unreasonable to saying you're not attracted to him now, regardless of your fibromyalgia. For me it would be a deal breaker as I find beards rather ick 🤢
And I find the manipulation he's using shaving his beard off when he fancies a shag really creepy

You think after 26 years of marriage that a beard is a deal breaker? So in 26 years your not allowed to change anything about your appearance, gain weight? Cut your hair?

She is just as manipulative, she won't sleep with him unless he does what she wants. And even when he does shave, she doesn't want him anyway.

IfIhearmumagaintoday · 17/06/2022 13:41

I want to see the beard! Tricky because I wouldn't feel comfortable someone has shaved for me especially

Crystalvas · 17/06/2022 14:28

DreamingForYou · 17/06/2022 00:30

You sound controlling Op.

Controlling… read the thread.

BecauseICan22 · 17/06/2022 14:52

bloodyplanes · 17/06/2022 00:18

Does he demand you shave your body parts as well? I don't see how you think its ok to tell/ blackmail him into not having a beard! Its his body.

This!!!!!!

As comical as the beard thing is, this must be horrible for his self esteem and clearly isn't much fun for you.

Why are you together!?

Gracelynn · 17/06/2022 15:47

I suppose you're husbands beard growth may be for any number for reasons, and the way you responed will depend on these, you're own cirmstances, health, beliefs and views.

But I wondered if you'd considered the possibility that for some men it can be a religious thing? Or even a cultural preference?

My husband decided to stop shaving as he considers it a Biblical principle, for the same reason he later cut his hair short and asked me to grow my hair long, (as well as wear a head scarf when in prayer or public worship.)

I was surprised at the request, athough I knew scripture to teach about these things. (The not cutting of the corners if the beard, not nessary to the same extent, as that was a old testament law, for the people if Isreal.) I didn't know many people who practiced these things, I think the principles represented in scripture are more important than outward appearance and in personal preference, I didn't really like the look or feel as much on him and preferred his hair a wee bit long and floopy.

But I know his motivation is to houner God. So out of respect (for God and husband) decided to accept this change, was happy to do as he requested and began to understand his belief that these outward symbols still had a significance.

Anyhow as his beard gets longer it seems to get softer, especially after he started to put coconut oil in it. I also found I enjoy having long hair.

As to the kissing thing, it does feel quite different, and to be honest I used to really very much dislike it as I experince sensory overload/integration issues. I did get used to it. I knew I wanted /needed to for the harmony of the marriage. I suppose if he had had a full beard from the wedding day I'd not have known any different. He is a good looking man with or without a beard, even with the short hair and we have a loving relationship, so all worth it.

picklemewalnuts · 17/06/2022 16:01

As someone with Fibro, I think lots of people are minimising the impact of it. It's not a preference. It's more like a huge sensory over reaction.

I have a lot of deep seated pain that's best addressed by slow deep pressure- it really hurts, but when the bruised feeling diminishes there's less pain than before. An unexpected touch, even a light touch, hurts so much- like being jabbed.

I'd be disappointed if my husband chose never to touch me, rather than knowing to touch me carefully.

Brefugee · 17/06/2022 16:06

Almost nobody is minimising it, and it is a real issue. However OPs DH also has valid reasons for having his beard.

We've suggested several possible compromises and now await OPs replies.

sunshine271 · 17/06/2022 16:09

headache · 17/06/2022 08:12

So I had a chat with him this morning as this has been gnawing away at me. He says he likes his beard to cover his face as he feels it is far and he hates looking at himself on zoom calls. I think it has the opposite effect as a dark/grey beard makes him look older and his face looks skinnier when clean shaven but he’s always had this thing about having a fat face. Said to him he’s dictating when we have sex and that there’s no spontaneity. He asked what I would want abc I said what about two weeks with a beard two weeks without then. Even if he comes up and cuddles my head I jump with the pain of the bristles it’s not a beard as such just long stubble.

OP sorry to say but it's actually you dictating when you can have sex, not him 😬

me4real · 17/06/2022 16:59

The op is the one that started the no shave no shag

@AllThingsServeTheBeam That doesn't mean shave=guaranteed shag. OP still needs to happen to be in the mood at that particular time.

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 17/06/2022 17:51

Do you shave? Legs, pits, vag? If so stop, grow it all out and see what the reaction is. That could give you some leverage in this situation.

BadNomad · 17/06/2022 18:06

Not in the mood = no sex

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 17/06/2022 23:05

me4real · 17/06/2022 16:59

The op is the one that started the no shave no shag

@AllThingsServeTheBeam That doesn't mean shave=guaranteed shag. OP still needs to happen to be in the mood at that particular time.

Did I say that?

IfIhearmumagaintoday · 18/06/2022 05:14

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 17/06/2022 17:51

Do you shave? Legs, pits, vag? If so stop, grow it all out and see what the reaction is. That could give you some leverage in this situation.

That's not the same as a man having a tidy beard. Lots of men have beards.

If OP is unhappy... she can leave!

I agree with the no shave no shag comment OP started dictating

mnnewbie111 · 18/06/2022 05:37

I don't understand how it's getting so long but hah it's uncomfortable if he's shaving every time he wants sex. Or does he only want it every few weeks or something? I'm sure my husbands would only be a bit of shit stubble after 2 weeks 😂

ImustLearn2Cook · 18/06/2022 06:35

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · Yesterday 17:51
Do you shave? Legs, pits, vag? If so stop, grow it all out and see what the reaction is. That could give you some leverage in this situation.

@Ohsugarhoneyicetea That’s a good suggestion. And I disagree with a pp who claims it is not the same thing as lots of men grow beards. Lots of women grow leg, underarm and pubic hair and that is perfectly fine. Our body hair is no less important then male body hair including facial hair. Body autonomy and the freedom to choose to shave or not to shave is equal for both men and women.

Many women and men will oblige their partner’s request for them to shave if their partner finds it uncomfortable for sexual intimacy. However, it is their body and ultimately it is up to them.

headache · 18/06/2022 10:52

Lots of comments let’s see if I can answer them, I really don’t see how I can be called controlling or manipulate, it is painful when he hugs, kisses or goes down on me with stubble, think of it like needles on your skin. I am in constant pain every minute of everyday anyway and having intimate time with my DH is a way of feeling a bit normal . If the situation were reversed I would definitely shave for him.

He actually shaved yesterday, we didn’t have sex because I went to bed at 5pm utterly exhausted, he fed and looked after our DC as he often has to do. He has a healthy 5o’clock shadow today he is dark and has a healthy growth. it was lovely having a cuddle this morning.

OP posts: