DH, his beard and no sex

[headache]

DH loves his beard I hate it, it’s not so much a beard but thick jaggy stubble. I have fibromyalgia and very sensitive skin so him touching me hurts. Kissing is a no no nevermind anything else. There’s no compromise he likes his beard I hate it. I refuse to have sex with him if he has it as I’m not having sex with no kissing or oral. He sometimes will shave it off but then I feel pressured into having sex and it feels like he shaves it off when HE wants sex IYSWIM. Sex can’t be spontaneous I can’t wake in the morning and jump him anymore. It feels like he controls our sex life now if he shaves he expects sex yet he won’t shave it for me. So now I’ve dug my heels in a bit and we haven’t had sex for ages. I’ve tried asking him to compromise say 2 weeks out of four but he won’t budge. I don’t know who is being unreasonable?

Op. I think the fact he asks 'can we..if I shave' is fair enough. Hes asking. What happens if you ask...'how about you shave your beard? For an early night' if both of those situations are reasonable then I dont see the problem? Just ask if he's willing to do it when you want to. And vice versa when he asks you can decide.

So let him grow it more than stubble

My partner of 25 years has always had a beard and I prefer him with it (he looks like Luke Skywalker or Bjorn from ABBA without it!). However I feel your pain OP.

About 3 years ago my lips started getting really sore and chapped and are still super sensitive. My skin in general is much more sensitive, in particular my labia. I thought it was menopause but am also having various tests done due to low B12 and anaemia and have had biopsies for celiac.

We just don't snog much any more. If he does kiss my lips he has to be very, very gentle, he tends to kiss my cheek neck or shoulder to say good bye/good night.

Oral has to be quite measured with tounge rather than face diving (sorry if TMI). It doesn't stop me having sex though. Sex can still be tender and intimate without kissing.

I wonder if this might be a symptoms of something wider in your relationship, perhaps deeper resentment. Have you tried realy talking about it and how you both feel, or considered some counselling. Sounds like his attempt at compromise is being taken as controlling by you. He might feel mortified by this. Hope you can work through it.

I can totally identify with what you are saying. I'm divorced now, but in the late stages of our marriage my exH grew a beard which I hated on him, and he knew it. I almost feel like he did it on purpose to test me. He is now single and doesn't have a beard!

I've been thinking about this, it resonates somehow. It's upsetting when your partner knowingly carries on doing something you find off putting.

I've been trying to think of similar offputting things- poor oral hygiene for example.
There's actually nothing worse than being hurt during sex. You start to guard against it, and lose all ability to relax.

DH didn't use to trim his toenails properly and several times he scraped me with a sharp toenail making me bleed.
He hurt me internally with a sharp finger nail.
He elbowed me hard a few times, and leaned full weight on my hair, so it pulled really hard. After a while, you just can't get into it because you're guarding against being hurt.
Nothing deliberate- he's just a clutz, bless him. But the pain outweighed the gain!

Nervous systems don’t work like that. You have different nerve pathways for sharp/blunt pressure, hot/cold, different kinds of light touch, joint sensation - hundreds of different sensations. Any and all of them can go wrong, independently of any of the others, and thus be ‘wrongly’ perceived as pain by your brain. It varies within healthy individuals, let alone ones that are glitchy because of a pathology. Even then, it doesn’t follow that because skin isn’t uncomfortable, hair will not be too, any more than it does not follow if 20°C isn’t uncomfortable, 60°C will not be with a good attitude. Even in an intact nervous system the point at which heat becomes painful is variable. But a fibro nerve system can be really haywire. It’s not even uncommon for it to be the other way around - a light touch is unbearable, but greater pressure is tolerable, because the brain has more input and is less likely to misinterpret a sensation as pain. If your brain is receiving a poor signal from a disordered nervous system, it’s very, very common for benign sensations to be received as pain, and it’s not at all uniform.

(I am a former specialist neurological physio. I am definitely qualified to comment on intact and disordered nervous systems and pain perception!)

That's so interesting @Eeksteek ! I've a friend who can't bear circular massage- has to be straight up and down.

My temperature perception is haywire! I used to sleep with barely any covers. Currently I'm still using a winter duvet. During the day though, I am happy in really light clothes when everyone else is cold.

And don't let me get started on the random pain...

Hmm. That doesn’t sound strictly neural to me. That’s not about sensory perception, per se. There’s more systems involved there, which are out of my area of experience. That’s not to say there’s a problem (age and hormones have a lot to answer for, especially in women) but I’d be looking beyond the nervous system.

Update! We have reached a compromise!
We are trialling how long we can go without shaving before it starts to hurt me, right now we are on 4 days and it’s just starting to annoy me. He gets a little bit of stubble and I don’t get hurt so a win win. Period week he can have a break because I get bad cramps and heavy bleeding and never feel like it 😀

Haha 🤣 read your first paragraph and then the start of your second... And the ops husband is controlling?!

Men can decide to grow a beard- you do know that?
"I wouldn't get with a man who had a beard in the first place."
Is a pretty pointless thiing to say. You could decide not to date a man over six foot or someone with stubby fingers- thses things won;t change.
But if you date a man without a beard you have no guarantee things will stay that way- he could grow a beard at any time.
Even if he doesn't like beards either, there is no guarantee that he will feel the same 5 , 10 or 20 years down the line.

He is allowed to have preferences too though.
If he insisted that you have to shave your legs or genital area or no sex? Is that OK?

You said you would leave a relationship if they grew a beard. This is controlling and extremely ridiculous

Agreed.

But if you date a man without a beard you have no guarantee things will stay that way- he could grow a beard at any time.

In the case of Lola's DH, growing a beard would seem to be the easiest way for him to announce 'I want a divorce'.

The point here is that the OP and partner have talked and are trying to find a way that both are happy! Yay!

They talked! They are working it out, what feels comfy and what doesn't!

Good luck, op :-)

You would threaten to leave then. Or would you literally see his five o'clock shadow and do one?

Saying to your partner you're leaving the relationship because he has a beard is controlling. Full stop.

Yes it is.

You are completely wrong and it is terrible you don't realise. I am not talking about the op I am talking about you.

The person with the beard will feel like they have to shave it off to keep their cuntish partner who just wants to control them happy.

You are forcing their hand though if they want to stay with you (why who knows!!)

I didn't say they should be forced to stay in anything 😂😂😂 well done for trying to turn it round.

You're wrong.