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Original poster

DH, his beard and no sex

201 replies

headache · 16/06/2022 23:58

DH loves his beard I hate it, it’s not so much a beard but thick jaggy stubble. I have fibromyalgia and very sensitive skin so him touching me hurts. Kissing is a no no nevermind anything else. There’s no compromise he likes his beard I hate it. I refuse to have sex with him if he has it as I’m not having sex with no kissing or oral. He sometimes will shave it off but then I feel pressured into having sex and it feels like he shaves it off when HE wants sex IYSWIM. Sex can’t be spontaneous I can’t wake in the morning and jump him anymore. It feels like he controls our sex life now if he shaves he expects sex yet he won’t shave it for me. So now I’ve dug my heels in a bit and we haven’t had sex for ages. I’ve tried asking him to compromise say 2 weeks out of four but he won’t budge. I don’t know who is being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Lovemypeaceandquiet · 17/06/2022 07:26

Ansjovis · 17/06/2022 07:24

I feel exactly the same as you OP. I'm autistic and the sensation of a beard against my face (or any other part of my body for that matter) makes me want to crawl out of my own skin. Those people who are reacting negatively to your post probably can't abandon their own frame of reference to see it from your POV. People react that way to me too - "what, you'd turn down a great guy just because he's got a beard?" unless he's truly okay with severely reduced intimacy that never involves his face against any part of my body then too right I would!

Not sure what to suggest here because you've gone for the compromise and he didn't go for it. I just wanted to reply to affirm that your position is valid and say I'm sorry that the compromise wasn't a solution.

But it begs the question as to
way OP husband of couple of decades suddenly grows a beard which he know his wife finds off
putting.

Maybe it’s more than just changing his looks. Maybe he changes it for someone else…

Herewegoagain84 · 17/06/2022 07:29

It’s a difficult one as if you don’t want to have sex with him with a beard, then fine. But then you also have a problem when he shaves it off as you think that’s only when he wants sex too. I don’t think you can have it both ways as it starts to sound controlling. You’re essentially questioning his motives whatever he tries to do.

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 17/06/2022 07:37

Antarcticant · 17/06/2022 07:19

The beard trend must reach an end soon.

Hopefully not.

Though this woman thinking that they can tell men how to look should. It's really ugly.

MumbleAlwaysMumble · 17/06/2022 07:42

I find it very strange that some people are defending a man who is doing something that he knows is hurting their partner. Something that will stop any kissing (at any time, not just sex). And will have such an impact in their sex life.

And I’m uncomfortable with him shaving for sex too. But I think it depends on how it’s worded. I think if it was ‘let’s have sex tonight. I’ll shave before hand’ it’s different than ‘I have shaved so you are up for sex’. The second one is putting pressure in the Op to agree because he has made an effort whereas the other is about exploring if both are keen for sex first and then shaving to make it possible iyswim.
Of course, it won’t allow for spontaneous sex…. Or kissing and cuddling on the sofa/kissing to say good bye etc….

Basically I get the way the OP is feeling (he is choosing his beard over her - and sex). I also get his pov and that you can say he is trying to make it easier for the OP whilst still keeping his boundaries.

Im wondering if there is something else going on there, in the background (from loss of libido to him not coping well with the OP’s disability/illness etc….)

Prometheus · 17/06/2022 07:42

Surely you could have sex without kissing? That what me and DH do now he has a beard (the stubble itches my face).

anotherbrewplease · 17/06/2022 07:43

To me it sounds like he is damned if he does (have a beard) and damned if he doesn't (because then he wants/expects sex) Confused

So what's he supposed to do??

SweetMystery · 17/06/2022 07:45

see I don’t demand he shaves it off as your right it is his body he can do what he wants with it
I guess you don’t ‘demand’ but re. Sex it’s either your way or no way:
I refuse to have sex with him if he has it as I’m not having sex with no kissing or oral.

I’ve tried asking him to compromise say 2 weeks out of four but he won’t budge. I don’t know who is being unreasonable?

He doesn’t want your two week timetable and you don’t want his ‘spontaneous’ beard shaving days. You’re incompatible.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 17/06/2022 07:46

I refuse to have sex with him if he has it as I’m not having sex with no kissing or oral.

Really? I mean the kissing, I get - but he HAS to go down on you every time you have sex? Whether he wants to or not, because if he doesn’t then there’s no sex at all? I wonder how many women would think it reasonable if their male partner refused to have any kind of sex at all unless they were given a blow job?

MumbleAlwaysMumble · 17/06/2022 07:46

I’d just like to highlight something (sorry for shouting but it seems to be missed by a lot of posters).

THE OP IS FINDING TOO PAINFUL TO BE IN CONTACT WITH HIS BEARD.
Its not an issue of not liking or having different tastes etc… it’s an issue with PAIN. And I get it that it will sound strange to make people but fibromyalgia is really crap for that.
But it’s not about her wanting to change his appearance for her. It’s about taking steps so she isn’t in pain (unless posters are saying she should just put up with the pain when her body gets in contact with his beard??)

SweetMystery · 17/06/2022 07:48

anotherbrewplease · 17/06/2022 07:43

To me it sounds like he is damned if he does (have a beard) and damned if he doesn't (because then he wants/expects sex) Confused

So what's he supposed to do??

I agree.
I think you want it only to suit you.

Say he shaved for 2 weeks out of 4 like you suggest… Wouldn’t he feel pressurised during that two weeks?

Aprilx · 17/06/2022 07:50

MumbleAlwaysMumble · 17/06/2022 07:46

I’d just like to highlight something (sorry for shouting but it seems to be missed by a lot of posters).

THE OP IS FINDING TOO PAINFUL TO BE IN CONTACT WITH HIS BEARD.
Its not an issue of not liking or having different tastes etc… it’s an issue with PAIN. And I get it that it will sound strange to make people but fibromyalgia is really crap for that.
But it’s not about her wanting to change his appearance for her. It’s about taking steps so she isn’t in pain (unless posters are saying she should just put up with the pain when her body gets in contact with his beard??)

Perhaps everybody did see it and took it with a pinch of salt. I have never heard of beards making fibromyalgia worse.

Ejk1990 · 17/06/2022 07:50

And yet when he shaves it off, its seen as he only wants sex. The OP just doesn't want to have sex with her husband regardless of beard/no beard.

He is always in the wrong!

Silverswirl · 17/06/2022 07:51

Can completely relate OP.
DH get a beard about 8 years ago when this trend started. Don’t mind how it looks but absolutely hate how it feels.
Its so so uncomfortable to kiss or for him to kiss any part of me.
I used to love rubbing my face agains his and laying cheek to cheek but that all went with the arrival of the beard.
Kissing basically has been a no no since it arrived.
We talked about it many times but he won’t shave it off at all and just thinks I should be ok with the sensation but I can’t, it’s really horrible.
Its a real shame as I miss him having smooth skin so much.

Silverswirl · 17/06/2022 07:52

Ejk1990 · 17/06/2022 07:50

And yet when he shaves it off, its seen as he only wants sex. The OP just doesn't want to have sex with her husband regardless of beard/no beard.

He is always in the wrong!

Expected sex, and sex on demand is one of the biggest turn offs there is.
How are people not getting that?

SweetMystery · 17/06/2022 07:52

@MumbleAlwaysMumble
Her DH will shave though. He asks her if she wants an early night.
OP doesn’t want it when he does.

CinnamonJellyBeans · 17/06/2022 07:54

If a beard hurts so much that you can't kiss him, then I can't see how bare skin, possibly with stubble is going to be much better. So to me, if a beard is that agonising, you will be experiencing discomfort during kissing without it anyway, yet you're prepared to tolerate it.

If indeed your skin is so sensitive that you cannot bare the touch, then you'll have to have sex without the kissing.

I put it to you that you are using your fibromyalgia as an excuse to control his beard choices. If this was a thread about a male imposing hair preferences on his partner, we'd all be fuming and issuing LTBs.

You're lucky to be able to have a fit partner with a to have sex with. Just enjoy those muscles, despite the ugly beard and pretend he's a viking.

SweetMystery · 17/06/2022 07:55

@Silverswirl Expected sex, and sex on demand is one of the biggest turn offs there is.
How are people not getting that?

The OP wants him to shave 2/4 weeks so that she can have sex. That’s an expectation right there.

HeadNorth · 17/06/2022 07:57

After 28 years, you both sound over each other. The beard just represents a host of issues in a marriage that is reaching its sell by date. I would forget the beard and work on your marriage, if you want to save it. But is is sounding a bit unsalvagable, as neither of you still care about the other enough to make any concessions.

OnaBegonia · 17/06/2022 07:57

I refuse to have sex with him if he has it as I’m not having sex with no kissing or oral.
Imagine a man posting this, OP your DH can't win as everything is your way or no way.

lilroo87 · 17/06/2022 08:05

HaveringWavering · 17/06/2022 02:00

I’d love to know if there are women out there who enjoy kissing men with beards (women without medical conditions). My DH had one for a while and I actually thought he looked OK with it but kissing him with it was just grim. I hung out the bunting the day he shaved it off!

I love my DP's beard. It's quite a big one but I couldn't imagine him without it. Only time I sometimes don't want to kiss him is if his moustache has got wet as it's not very pleasant but I just tell him and he's not offended

Trixiefirecracker · 17/06/2022 08:05

I feel like as a reverse if your husband was saying he wouldn’t have sex with you unless you shaved then that would be a complete no-no. I’m in love with my husband and not just for the way he looks, if he grew a beard or changed his hair or got really fat, I wouldn’t stop wanting to be intimate.
Beards do get much softer if they are allowed to grow longer, it’s when they are at that ‘awkward’ stage that they are bristly. In answer to poster above I think beards are attractive but surely you love the person behind the beard and not just the look of them?

CornishGem1975 · 17/06/2022 08:05

Well. He can't really win can he?

Ejk1990 · 17/06/2022 08:06

Bottom line is her post sounds controlling.

  • No sex with beard
  • No sex without beard
  • No sex without kissing
  • No sex without oral
  • She wants him beard free for 2 weeks a month, so she can have sex.
  • But he isn't allowed to express him wishes at all, or he is a sex pest.
gamerchick · 17/06/2022 08:07

I find it very strange that some people are defending a man who is doing something that he knows is hurting their partner. Something that will stop any kissing (at any time, not just sex). And will have such an impact in their sex lif

People are extra snarly of late. It's like there is a crew, on a mission to be as unpleasant as possible to chase people away from the site.

Either that, or a lot of people aren't getting laid atm.

Shoxfordian · 17/06/2022 08:07

He definitely can win if he just shaved his face and didn’t grow a beard

He obviously doesn’t care much about sex or intimacy with you op - my husband would shave every day if this was an issue for me