DH, his beard and no sex

[headache]

DH loves his beard I hate it, it’s not so much a beard but thick jaggy stubble. I have fibromyalgia and very sensitive skin so him touching me hurts. Kissing is a no no nevermind anything else. There’s no compromise he likes his beard I hate it. I refuse to have sex with him if he has it as I’m not having sex with no kissing or oral. He sometimes will shave it off but then I feel pressured into having sex and it feels like he shaves it off when HE wants sex IYSWIM. Sex can’t be spontaneous I can’t wake in the morning and jump him anymore. It feels like he controls our sex life now if he shaves he expects sex yet he won’t shave it for me. So now I’ve dug my heels in a bit and we haven’t had sex for ages. I’ve tried asking him to compromise say 2 weeks out of four but he won’t budge. I don’t know who is being unreasonable?

I don't blame him not wanting to shave everyday, or twice a day like some men have to.
I also have fibro, tbh I never knew that made a difference - I hate my partners long stubble and do find it really painful to kiss, it's like a bunch of little but very real needles. We still have an incredible sex life, we just don't make out during it.

I suspect this is a problem without a solution as you are both right but the level of....I don't know whether to call it low level manipulation or if this is a case of terrible manipulative behaviour? It's making my brain hurt.

No scenario here is good. Sex when one or both partners are compromising is horrible.

I think I am marginally thinking DH is being U but only slightly U.

Arrgghhh.

This would be a good subject for a debating class.

I'm another one who does.

When I was a teen I had a discussion with one of my brothers and two of my cousins about shaving their faces. They stated that shaving left them with sore skin but they were luckily as they weren't hairy they could get away with shaving every 2-5 days. They never grew beards because they grew slowly and patchy.

I then had a boyfriend who if he shaved in the morning at 7am would have stubble by 6pm. He said a few years before he shaved twice a day but that left him with sore skin so he went back to shaving once a day. Anyway kissing him in the evening if he shaved in the morning hurt me. There as if he hadn't shaved for 2 days it didn't.

He shouldn't be having sex if he doesn't want to.

And neither should the OP.

If she doesn't want sex every time he shaves his stubble off she needs to talk to him.

There is likely a good reason he doesn't shave everyday now. However unless the OP talks to him she won't find out.

What about getting him a fake beard? He could wear it but be clean shaven underneath and then just take it off for sex? 🤭

Can you have sex without kissing or oral while he has the beard, but only if he agrees to shave it every couple of weeks? That way it won't hurt and you'll still satisfy your sex drive, and then you get some of him shaven too?

Sometimes we just slap some lube on and have sex without kissing or oral, and it's bloody fantastic. But maybe I'm an animal...

Ahh, yes, women will never know what it’s like to be expected to shave body hair 🙄
OPs body is hers so if she doesn’t want sex with a man with a beard, she’s fully entitled to not do so.

Longer beard doesn’t itch as much. 2 weeks stubble is going to be unpleasant as hell. He’s better off grinding it longer

Should women shave their public hair if a man finds it very unattractive and doesn't want sex if she's got pubes?

Maybe the oh doesn't like kissing or oral?

*pubic hair

🤣

I’d love to know if there are women out there who enjoy kissing men with beards (women without medical conditions). My DH had one for a while and I actually thought he looked OK with it but kissing him with it was just grim. I hung out the bunting the day he shaved it off!

My OH has a beard that's a bit more than stubble. I like it, unless it gets too long, then it looks scruffy. He finds shaving it short can be uncomfortable. I actually enjoy the slightly bristley sensation, but that's me. It has no bearing on the OP!

I don't know OP, I get that this is very painful for you so it is quite different from 'I don't like your beard' although it seems there are also elements of that. How has he responded to the compromise? That might work for both of you.

I quite like men with beards- more comfortable than kissing a man with stubble.

i think the OPs DH's beard thing has moved on though - now we know why he has it. He has a kind of face anxiety.

And so many people on MN have anxieties that stop them doing things (opening the door, speaking on the phone, etc etc) surely there MUST be some understanding/sympathy/empathy with the poor fellow as well as with OP.

I mentioned upthread that i don't like how i look during video calls. What i have done to help mitigate that (hasn't eliminated it) is to position my camera higher, and further away from me so details of my face are more difficult to see, adjusted the lighting (a ring-light would probably be best but i can't be bothered forking out for one of those), i make sure that i try to sit up straight and keep my neck extended (hides wrinkles, double chin better) and i wear lots and lots of mascara and pencil in my eyebrows (may not be an option for the DH but anyway). There are lots of tips on YouTube on how to be more comfortable in this situation that may help?

See that's why I prefer teams, you don't have to look at your own face. Maybe he can change his zoom settings?

I think beards are sexy!

My DH has short facial hair, it’s hot. I love how it feels, especially on my inner thighs😉

I’m not sure what the answer is here OP, he should be able to have a beard if he wants but you shouldn’t have to be in pain because of it.

Well generally obviously it would be up to him.

However if it REALLY hurts you, then it is fucking weird to maintain facial hair that means you can’t kiss your wife, or have sex.

I do think you might have bigger problems OP. Do you think that’s the case?

I get a sore face very quickly from kissing a beardy. I suspect his sex drive is going and he is hiding it behind his nasty old beard.

Maybe he can change the settings on his zoom so he can't see himself?
The scraggly beards like the US politician Ted Cruz do look horrible. Adds a good 20 years.

He could also try a beard wig like actors use. He'd have the perfect beard for his meetings. Then clean shaven the rest of the time.

I don't have fibro but I do have sensitive skin. Beards feel like a bunch of tiny needles sticking me and I break out in a rash. Not pleasant.

I get that OP has a physical disability which causes her pain, but it sounds like her DH has a form of body dysmorphia (thinking he's fat, hitting the gym more and more etc) and is struggling with his appearance ATM. He's not being selfish in the sense that he doesn't care about her, he's trying to feel better in himself. Telling him he's wrong isn't going to make him feel any better and will take its toll on his mental health.

I agree with pp that if either of you initiates something and the other agrees, you'll have to add a 5 min pause while he shaves his beard off.

On the 'ick' thing, my DH has a big bushy moustache which I think looks absolutely ridiculous, but he loves it. I couldn't imagine not being attracted to him just because of where he wears his facial hair. If DH found me 'ick' because something physically changed (IE aging, accident etc) then I'd think that he never really loved me for who I am in the first place

@AllThingsServeTheBeam

Because it hurts her skin condition, as she has plainly said.

If he wants a beard, he can have a beard and I cant believe people would think its acceptable to tell him to shave it off. Its his own body.

As women you would be in uproar if a man started demanding you shaved/didn't shave your own body parts. Women's right and all that, if we don't want them telling us what to do with our bodies we also shouldn't be telling them.

You have to find a compromise of positions etc which wont irritate you OP, then you can have sex as an when you both want rather than him having to shave to do so and you telling him what to do with his own body hair

I’d love to know if there are women out there who enjoy kissing men with beards (women without medical conditions). My DH had one for a while and I actually thought he looked OK with it but kissing him with it was just grim. I hung out the bunting the day he shaved it off!

Yes. I love kissing my DH, we're big snoggers and his beard has never bothered me. I like how it feels. He once shaved it really close and I was livid! He looks great with a beard, a find him a lot hotter with one Poor man is never allowed to remove it!

I like beards ,stubble hurts though.

It is hard to say. We know that since that woman was attacked at speakers corner in 2017? That MN was targeted to try and bring it down from the inside. But since the platform change we've been swarmed.

Personally I'd suspend name changes until the culprits have been sniffed out and rebanned.

And say shaving hurts his? If he grew it longer it wouldn't.