DH, his beard and no sex

[headache]

DH loves his beard I hate it, it’s not so much a beard but thick jaggy stubble. I have fibromyalgia and very sensitive skin so him touching me hurts. Kissing is a no no nevermind anything else. There’s no compromise he likes his beard I hate it. I refuse to have sex with him if he has it as I’m not having sex with no kissing or oral. He sometimes will shave it off but then I feel pressured into having sex and it feels like he shaves it off when HE wants sex IYSWIM. Sex can’t be spontaneous I can’t wake in the morning and jump him anymore. It feels like he controls our sex life now if he shaves he expects sex yet he won’t shave it for me. So now I’ve dug my heels in a bit and we haven’t had sex for ages. I’ve tried asking him to compromise say 2 weeks out of four but he won’t budge. I don’t know who is being unreasonable?

Haha I am literally laughing out loud at you. Hide away! You'll always be wrong!

Not as disturbing as you it seems. Cheerio me ducks!

If someone does something you don't like, you should be free to walk away. You don't force yourself to put up with something that makes you unhappy.

If that is controlling, then that means any time someone does something that you don't like, then you are being controlling to not want it. That is bullshit. It is not controlling to have boundaries.

Doing something you don't like and growing some hair that they naturally grow and saying if they continue you'll leave is controlling. Stop

How far does that go though?
There are plenty things my Oh does or doesn't do that I don't like, but surely we have to make compromises and put up wth the small stuff ( as I am sure he does to me).
OH has a habit of leaving kitchen lights on, even when he isn't in the room.

I don't like that- but he is a great partner in many other repects.
Should I leave him because he doesn't turn off lights?

That's not what she's saying. She's not telling him to stop. She's acknowledging his right to have a beard and isn't going to stop him, so the only thing she can do is remove herself from the situation. That is the opposite of forcing him to remove it.

Let me give you a man's view on this issue. My wife wants to grow a beard and she told me jokingly she cannot have sex with me if I shave. I hate keeping a beard, I do look a lot younger without it. However; I have not shaved for 2 years only trimmed my beard. I value sex more than a clean shave. Also, I am in therapy with only one focus how can i be a better partner. As i was abused when young and had rough 20s, I have become very aggressive, angry and nasty against anyone and everyone. So, I do therapy every single week to become a better human and man, to continue working on relationships.

If I was your partner I would just shave. Life is short, why not do small things that make others happier, I am sure you do the same for him. Who cares about hair on the face or not.

Right and you're telling me that telling her oh that because he has a beard she's leaving, but if he shaves it off she won't isn't control? Erm... I think that is the absolute definition. If I was the oh I'd grow the beard and say toodle pip

You can leave for whatever reason you want. Your boundaries are your boundaries. If him continuing to leave the lights on is a line for you, then, yes, you can leave.

If your OH started smoking, which is his right, even though he knows you hate it, would you be fine with it?

As long as you don't tell them the reason. Use a 'its not you it's me' excuse then yes. But if it's something like growing fucking hair and you tell them that is why then that is just being a controlling twat.

I'm going to start a thread to say my dp doesn't like my hair grown over my shoulders. He's says he's going to leave me, but if I cut it in a bob he'll stay.. what do you reckon the response to that will be??

But why should she put up with something she doesn't like because? I don't understand why you think she shouldn't leave.

Would you say the same if he started smoking, or joined a cult, or started watching porn in bed beside her? It's his right to watch porn if he wants, right? She should just put up with it.

Exactly my point- we need a measured response.

Throwing the baby out with the bathwater is nonsensical.
When we live with a partner there will be many things that we don't like, and most are probably trivial
If the OP's Oh refused to have sex with her unless she shaved her legs/pubes. armpits is that ok?
In a divorce court do you thing "refusal to shave facial hair" would be grounds for divorce under "unreasonale behaviour?

Not the same remotely is it. I aren't saying she shouldn't leave. Can do what the fuck she wants. But to basically give and ultimatum? Over something his body does naturally? Controlling

The reason is she is not attracted to him any more. Which is a legitimate reason to leave, no?

I'm going to start a thread to say my dp doesn't like my hair grown over my shoulders. He's says he's going to leave me, but if I cut it in a bob he'll stay.. what do you reckon the response to that will be??

People will say it is your right to grow your hair long and if he doesn't like it then he can leave. Which is what Lola4321 would do. So what's your point? You get to keep your long hair.

Exactly my point- we need a measured response.

Throwing the baby out with the bathwater is nonsensical.
When we live with a partner there will be many things that we don't like, and most are probably trivial
If the OP's Oh refused to have sex with her unless she shaved her legs/pubes. armpits is that ok?
In a divorce court do you thing "refusal to shave facial hair" would be grounds for divorce under "unreasonale behaviour?

You're talking like people should have sex they don't want because their reasons for not wanting it aren't good enough. I can't believe you think that's ok. That the OP should just lie back and let it happen even though she doesn't want it.

Omg. It's literally like talking to a wall....

If you can't see how it's controlling I have no idea how to help you I really don't.

Surely you can see how someone would, against their own want, cut their beard or hair or whatever just so the other person doesn't leave them? And then where does it stop?

I honestly cannot believe I have to explain this to you. Are you 12?

In fact no. I take it back. My 10 year old would know this is controlling behaviour

Not the same remotely is it. I aren't saying she shouldn't leave. Can do what the fuck she wants. But to basically give and ultimatum? Over something his body does naturally? Controlling

It is the same thing. In all those scenarios, it is him doing something he did not do when they got together and knows she does not like. Yet you think it's controlling for her to say, "This is a line for me. I'm going to leave if this is our future." He doesn't need to stop. She doesn't need to stay.

No. It's not the same thing. I can't believe you're trying to compare joining a cult or smoking to hair naturallly growing out of someone's face. FML. Give your head a wobble.

I hope you're teaching your daughter that she's allowed to have boundaries and doesn't have to shut up and put up when someone crosses them. I really hope you won't tell her she's controlling to not have sex with men she's not attracted to.

I've not got a daughter. But I'm teaching my son if he ever gets a girlfriend who tells him how to look to run a million miles away from the controlling fucker

Wish I could grow a beard to hide my jowls🙄😂

I've not got a daughter.

Thank god. Best wishes to your son's future girlfriends.