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Original poster

DH, his beard and no sex

201 replies

headache · 16/06/2022 23:58

DH loves his beard I hate it, it’s not so much a beard but thick jaggy stubble. I have fibromyalgia and very sensitive skin so him touching me hurts. Kissing is a no no nevermind anything else. There’s no compromise he likes his beard I hate it. I refuse to have sex with him if he has it as I’m not having sex with no kissing or oral. He sometimes will shave it off but then I feel pressured into having sex and it feels like he shaves it off when HE wants sex IYSWIM. Sex can’t be spontaneous I can’t wake in the morning and jump him anymore. It feels like he controls our sex life now if he shaves he expects sex yet he won’t shave it for me. So now I’ve dug my heels in a bit and we haven’t had sex for ages. I’ve tried asking him to compromise say 2 weeks out of four but he won’t budge. I don’t know who is being unreasonable?

OP posts:
SweetMystery · 17/06/2022 08:09

Ejk1990 · 17/06/2022 08:06

Bottom line is her post sounds controlling.

  • No sex with beard
  • No sex without beard
  • No sex without kissing
  • No sex without oral
  • She wants him beard free for 2 weeks a month, so she can have sex.
  • But he isn't allowed to express him wishes at all, or he is a sex pest.

Well summarised!

Original poster
headache · 17/06/2022 08:12

So I had a chat with him this morning as this has been gnawing away at me. He says he likes his beard to cover his face as he feels it is far and he hates looking at himself on zoom calls. I think it has the opposite effect as a dark/grey beard makes him look older and his face looks skinnier when clean shaven but he’s always had this thing about having a fat face. Said to him he’s dictating when we have sex and that there’s no spontaneity. He asked what I would want abc I said what about two weeks with a beard two weeks without then. Even if he comes up and cuddles my head I jump with the pain of the bristles it’s not a beard as such just long stubble.

OP posts:
BadNomad · 17/06/2022 08:13

He doesn't shave it off for her, though. He only shaves it off when HE wants sex. He doesn't care when she wants sex. He shaves it off and is then like "right, I'm ready" regardless if she wants it or not at that time. He is the one withholding sex because it only happens when he wants it to happen.

gamerchick · 17/06/2022 08:13

I'm with you OP. Beards are vile. Just no thankyou.

It does seem to have been made into a thing though. Where both of you feel controlled to the point of a stand off.

Maybe a chat where both of you really listen to the other side.

CornishGem1975 · 17/06/2022 08:16

@headache He's not dictating when you have sex - you are! It's your demand...

C8H10N4O2 · 17/06/2022 08:16

No he’s not always had a beard we’ve been together 28 years

Beards and extra gym trips - its his midlife crisis, perhaps he could swap the beard for a silly car instead?

C8H10N4O2 · 17/06/2022 08:18

gamerchick · 17/06/2022 08:07

I find it very strange that some people are defending a man who is doing something that he knows is hurting their partner. Something that will stop any kissing (at any time, not just sex). And will have such an impact in their sex lif

People are extra snarly of late. It's like there is a crew, on a mission to be as unpleasant as possible to chase people away from the site.

Either that, or a lot of people aren't getting laid atm.

You are not wrong.

Hard to say if its the latest round of attacks on a women centred site or just part of the wider trend.

Brefugee · 17/06/2022 08:18

He will say things like “if I shave can we have an early night tonight?” So if he shaves it’s expected even if I’m then not in the mood which is a bit ick. Don’t worry I won’t do it if I’m not in the mood.

tbh OP i don't know what's wrong with this - if you feel free to say no, and he's not pestering, it seems like a good compromise to me. When you're in the mood why not say "if you shave your beard off we could have sex" (or not quite so clinical)

FWIW my DH grew a beard a few years ago. He occasionally looks like a caveman but generally he goes to a barber and has it trimmed and shapped every month or so. He also uses beard shampoo and conditioner and sometimes beard oil, it is lovely and soft. I prefer it to stubble, tbh.

RoyKentsChestHair · 17/06/2022 08:22

My XP looked gorgeous with a stubbly beard but like your man it was really coarse and scratchy. If we kissed I would end up red all round my mouth and chin, really sore, so he shaved every couple of days. If we didn’t see each other for a week or so and he turned up with a big beard I felt hurt as it seemed like he wasn’t bothered about kissing me. He’d always shave it before bed time but it did feel a bit like he didn’t really care how uncomfortable it was for me. I totally get how you feel.

it’s not controlling as such, you’re asking for him to be a bit more considerate in the same way you might expect him to brush his teeth before sex etc

notanothertakeaway · 17/06/2022 08:22

OP could have sex with her DP but just avoid his face if it really is absolutely that painful. She’s digging her heels in because she doesn’t get to dictate his bodily choices

@SpidersAreShitheads I agree with you

I hate beards, but wouldn't dream of trying to dictate what my DH can do with his own body

CornishGem1975 · 17/06/2022 08:22

I find it very strange that some people are defending a man who is doing something that he knows is hurting their partner.

I find it very strange that women think it's okay to tell a man what he should do with his appearance even when he's explained why he wants it - when if the shoe was on the other foot they'd be outraged.

PeanuttyButter · 17/06/2022 08:23

His body his choice and your body your choice. It's all about compromise or the relationship won't work. It's not fair if you completely have your way (how would you like it if he dictated to you how often you should shouldn't shave/cut your hair or what you wear etc). Similarly he can't expect you to do something you don't want to do. How have you made it 28 years if you can't talk to one another and compromise? I don't understand it.

WilsonMilson · 17/06/2022 08:26

Why such a big stand off about a beard? Why not communicate and work it out. Seems such a petty thing.

On one hand, you have no right to demand what he does with his appearance. On the other, it hurts you to kiss so not unreasonable you ask if he could shave it off more often or even grow it longer so it feels softer.

The thing that gets me about your post is that you want him clean shaven so you can kiss and have sex. Yet when he does shave you object as sex seems too planned and not spontaneous. He can’t really win, can he?

Brefugee · 17/06/2022 08:29

saw your update, OP, as i posted.

I totally totally get his feelings about not liking how he looks. I HATE how i look and because our team is spread all over the country, 95% of our meetings are over Teams or Zoom and we are a "all cameras on" type of place. (I avoid it as much as possible, but if everyone else has, it is rude not to. I get why it is A Thing)

I have put on a lot of weight, and i have just been through 2 years of trying out a completely different hairstyle that didn't really work - growing it out took ages and so on. So looking at myself, urgh no. no no no.

During the experimental hair phase, my OH didn't say a word, as he said when i got it cut recently "your hair your choice, and i'm not telling you what to do with it". To be fair i never actually came out and said "what do you think?".

Not sure what the answer is here, OP. You both have valid issues and reasons to want/not want the beard. How is everything else? have you just grown apart?

PussGirl · 17/06/2022 08:30

My DP has a beard which I really like - he sometimes shaves it off which is fine, but it grows so fast I get badly prickled from the whiskers coming through - unless he shaves again immediately before bed, it is really rough on my face.

Viostep · 17/06/2022 08:34

People are being so horrible as if it's a personal preference. His thick, jaggy stubble hurts her, causes her pain, exacerbates her disability.

Some posts seem to suggest she's either lying or she should just put up with the pain to avoid being seen as 'controlling'. I can't think of anything worse than having sex when in pain, holding back tears and counting the minutes til it's over. I'd rather be controlling and refuse sex.

It's really sad that his stubble means more to him than his wife's comfort and it means more to him than a healthy, spontaneous sex life with her.

Icansleep · 17/06/2022 08:35

HaveringWavering · 17/06/2022 02:00

I’d love to know if there are women out there who enjoy kissing men with beards (women without medical conditions). My DH had one for a while and I actually thought he looked OK with it but kissing him with it was just grim. I hung out the bunting the day he shaved it off!

I don't mind it at all, dp does spend a lot of time conditioning and faffing with his though so it's really soft

balalake · 17/06/2022 08:38

Most men with beards look awful, it is one of the worst fashion trends I think, and I expect some just grow one because they don't want to be bothered with shaving each day.

Given the conditions the OP describes I think that her DH should be clean shaven, and as for Zoom calls, oh dear the camera is 'broken'.

SweetMystery · 17/06/2022 08:38

headache · 17/06/2022 08:12

So I had a chat with him this morning as this has been gnawing away at me. He says he likes his beard to cover his face as he feels it is far and he hates looking at himself on zoom calls. I think it has the opposite effect as a dark/grey beard makes him look older and his face looks skinnier when clean shaven but he’s always had this thing about having a fat face. Said to him he’s dictating when we have sex and that there’s no spontaneity. He asked what I would want abc I said what about two weeks with a beard two weeks without then. Even if he comes up and cuddles my head I jump with the pain of the bristles it’s not a beard as such just long stubble.

You’re no further forward.
He has explained that he doesn’t like the way he looks without one and why.
You still want him to go w/o weeks without! Why should he feel uncomfortable for two weeks?

The only compromise I can see is that if one of you instigates sex, the other says yes/no. If it’s a yes from both of you, he can have a shave.
Sorry to say, spontaneous sex is off the table. That’s a compromise you will both have to make.

catwomando · 17/06/2022 08:43

I'm with you. I hate beards. DH grew one once. I warned him ahead of time that there would be no kissing/sex for the duration. I think he thought I'd relent, but I didn't. They are uncomfortable and seriously unattractive (to me). Long toenails and poor personal hygiene fall into the same category for me.

He shaved it off and we returned to business as usual.

Hold your ground. And treat yourself to a rather excellent vibrator 😬

Topgub · 17/06/2022 08:44

Right. So you've told him you find him very unattractive with a beard and won't have sex with him if he has one.

And he asks you if he shaves the beard will you want sex and that pisses you off more and you say no?

So essentially the only solution is for you to get your way and for him to be beardless?

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 17/06/2022 08:45

balalake · 17/06/2022 08:38

Most men with beards look awful, it is one of the worst fashion trends I think, and I expect some just grow one because they don't want to be bothered with shaving each day.

Given the conditions the OP describes I think that her DH should be clean shaven, and as for Zoom calls, oh dear the camera is 'broken'.

What's wrong with not wanting to shave? My dp gets terrible ingrown hairs and it's sore. Wtf should he shave because a woman wants him too. Christ almighty.

YacaAlpaca · 17/06/2022 08:48

I find beards so gross. I also get the ick with my DH when he decides to grow one. When he eats he gets bits in it and I can’t even kiss him because it makes my skin crawl. I just look at him and imagine old food, sweat and germs crawling on his face 🤢 I also said I couldn’t bring myself to sleep with him with that thing on his face. I know it sounds mean and unreasonable but I can’t help it. Luckily he shaved it off this week and the ick has disappeared 😆

godmum56 · 17/06/2022 08:57

I don't think either of you are unreasonable but the way you put it, it dirs sound like a dealbreaker......

butterflied · 17/06/2022 08:59

The only compromise I can see is that if one of you instigates sex, the other says yes/no. If it’s a yes from both of you, he can have a shave. Sorry to say, spontaneous sex is off the table. That’s a compromise you will both have to make.

This.