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Original poster

Am I being selfish to not lose weight for my husband?

683 replies

Boo123456 · 12/06/2022 19:42

My husband keeps saying that 'we' need to lose weight to become attracted to each other again to save our relationship. For the record I have never once said I don't find him attractive. I still do but apparently he doesn't find me attractive enough to initiate sex. He said he can't live in a sexless marriage. I am a UK size 18 and pretty sure plenty of men would have sex with me looking like I do. We have a 4 year old daughter and I do most of the looking after so I don't find it easy to find time to look after myself. Am I being selfish by not losing weight?

OP posts:
Largebutnotincharge · 12/06/2022 20:00

No your not being selfish. If you want to lose weight then do it for yourself or to set an example for your child. If your husband mentioned it due to being concerned about your health or if he could see that it was getting you down then that's different but to ask you to lose weight because he wants sex isn't on. Also, he needs to come out and say exactly what his problem is rather than saying it's so you BOTH can be attracted to each other.

FlissyPaps · 12/06/2022 20:44

Of course you’re not being selfish!

You should only lose weight if you want to. For you. If you are happy with they way you are, then tell your DH just that. He does not own your body and does not have the right to tell or encourage you to lose weight for his benefit.

Is there any other reason why the marriage is “sexless”?

lljkk · 12/06/2022 21:15

How much weight does he need to lose?

Catlover1970 · 12/06/2022 21:16

I’m with your husband on this one.

FOTB · 12/06/2022 21:27

He's telling you that he's not attracted to you at the size you are, and possibly this is compounded by him not feeling confident about his own body. Yes, other men might want to have sex with you looking the way you do, but he's not other men. He's your husband.

Do you want him to feel sexually attracted to you? Do you want to lose the weight to make that possible, or would you rather call time and find someone else who likes your current size just as you are?

If you and your husband both want you to lose weight, it wouldn't be unreasonable of you to insist that he looks after your daughter more so you can go to the gym or go for a run. It wouldn't be unreasonable for him to help out more with the cooking, so you can eat healthier, more balanced meals. He's allowed to declare a size preference, but that means he has to facilitate you being able to get there. He can't just say something like that and expect you to do everything.

BundtCake · 12/06/2022 21:31

Do you feel happy and healthy? Have you gained a lot of weight since you got together?

Surgarblossom · 12/06/2022 21:31

What size have you been previously ( if you don't mind me asking) !

LizzieSiddal · 12/06/2022 21:31

You’re not being selfish as you need to lose weight for yourself not anyone else. However he’s told you how he feels and it sounds like he may not want to stay with you at your present weight. That is not a nice thing to hear at all, but he is being honest and you have to decide what to do with that information.

collieresponder88 · 12/06/2022 21:38

I don't think you are being selfish but he is telling you he doesn't want sex with you unless you loose weight. It's not very nice for him to say but he is being brutally honest with you. If you want your marriage to survive you will have to listen if you don't really care then take no notice the choice is yours !

random9876 · 12/06/2022 21:47

How much has your weight actually changed? How much has his? Do you both make effort in other ways? It's hard post young kids. I remember the feeling of us both looking a bit crap and feeling unsexy at that age. (Mine are top end of primary school now and it's better).

Do you want to stay in this marriage?

Fundamentally, no-one has the right to dictate how another person's body should be, but at the same time it is ok (I think) to expect each other to make efforts to stay in reasonable shape where possible and your DH does seem to be communicating strong feelings about this.

Would your husband be willing to batch cook the soup, chop the salads, make space for you to exercise as a family? If you are a size 18 and he is similar male equivalent, then the truth is you both might well benefit from a bit of a health kick, but it has to be sustainable and based on both of you.

I think you need to talk to him much more about this, in the context of your whole relationship.

AllAloneInThisHouse · 12/06/2022 22:32

Well, do you want to be married to someone who’s ’love’ is conditioned to yoir weight?

I don’t know how you feel about that, but I know I would just always have that knowing in my head that he’s going to leave if I’d gain weight again.
And that woul make me distance myself from him.

NotKevinTurvey · 12/06/2022 22:42

Boo123456 · 12/06/2022 19:42

My husband keeps saying that 'we' need to lose weight to become attracted to each other again to save our relationship. For the record I have never once said I don't find him attractive. I still do but apparently he doesn't find me attractive enough to initiate sex. He said he can't live in a sexless marriage. I am a UK size 18 and pretty sure plenty of men would have sex with me looking like I do. We have a 4 year old daughter and I do most of the looking after so I don't find it easy to find time to look after myself. Am I being selfish by not losing weight?

I think so. Looking after yourself for your partner is something both people in a marriage should do.

Ihatethenewlook · 12/06/2022 22:46

What size were you when you met? I don’t agree with that he should love you no matter how fat you get. It’s not unreasonable to want to be attracted to your partner. The recent ‘body positivity’ craze has seen the average dress size go up from a 10 to a 16 in the last few years. I don’t think it’s a good thing that being fat has been normalised.

Notsandwiches · 12/06/2022 23:08

He's telling you he doesnt find you attractive at the size you are. You might not like hearing that but it's true for him. You either need to do something about the weight or if you don't he's going to be looking elsewhere. I know this sounds harsh but I've been through this.

TabithaTittlemouse · 12/06/2022 23:11

If you don’t want to loose weight you don’t have to but equally if he doesn’t find you attractive he doesn’t find you attractive.

AllAloneInThisHouse · 12/06/2022 23:11

Notsandwiches · 12/06/2022 23:08

He's telling you he doesnt find you attractive at the size you are. You might not like hearing that but it's true for him. You either need to do something about the weight or if you don't he's going to be looking elsewhere. I know this sounds harsh but I've been through this.

What did you do?
If it’s okey to ask.

Adamantspants · 12/06/2022 23:15

He is just telling you the truth. He doesn’t find you attractive at that weight. There has to be attraction for sex. It might seem shallow but trying to have sex with someone you don’t find attractive is hard….. or not hard as the case may be, pardon the pun.

He is not saying he doesn’t love you, he is saying he doesn’t fancy you at that weight.

I presume you were not size 18 when he met you and you have put on weight?

RhiRhi1996 · 12/06/2022 23:20

I know it isn't nice to hear , but he has tried to say it in the least insulting way possible.

As others have said, you don't need to lose weight for anybody, but let's not pretend physical/ ssxual attraction isn't important.

I am guessing when you got together you were much smaller.

It isn't nice to here but it is better he is being honest. He obviously loves you & wants to stay with you that is why he is trying to fix the non attraction issue. If you want to be with him, I would lose weight.

Or if you really don't want too fine but I think in the long run, it may lead to cheating or him leaving you as he has expressed his unhappiness with your weight.

It may be harsh, but he is being honest & not lying to you.

spotcheck · 12/06/2022 23:24

That's a tough one, OP
I think if there has been a marked change, then surely it's good that he's talking to you.
Great he wants to take part ( perhaps do something which takes you out of the house every evening 😇). Will he look after your child most evenings while you walk/ go to gym/ see your personal trainer/ embark on exciting new hobby?

SarahAndQuack · 12/06/2022 23:25

Well, I think he's expressed himself in an incredibly cowardly, manipulative and nasty way, so I lose sympathy with him over that.

It might be he means he doesn't find you attractive (though, it could also be, if he's gained some weight, he doesn't believe you find him attractive?). But he should be honest about it. If weight is a deal breaker for him, then the decent way to say it IMO is for him to say he feels a bit ashamed for being so superficial, but honestly, it is a deal breaker for him. We all have silly, trivial things that we can't get past; that's fine. So long as we acknowledge they're trivial.

What's not ok is to pretend it's really your issue, or a mutual issue.

UWhatNow · 12/06/2022 23:27

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LorW · 12/06/2022 23:34

Love that he’s expecting you to lose weight but doesn’t actually want to facilitate that by taking on more parenting…

you only lose weight for yourself! If you’re happy at size 18 (so am I btw and I love my size) then tell him to jog on and you’ll find someone who loves your body the way it is.

BadNomad · 12/06/2022 23:36

Sexual attraction is not something you can control. You either fancy someone or you don't. But I doubt this is the real reason for the relationship problem.

Adamantspants · 12/06/2022 23:37

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This works both ways. If my DH put on a shitload of weight, I would still love him
but would not be attracted to him. What do you want him to do…pretend? Fake it?

RhiRhi1996 · 12/06/2022 23:38

The toxic body positivity trend is insane. If op was a lot smaller when they got together, and now much bigger. Should he just try and ignore the fact he is being turned off by her ?

We all have preferences, and he perhaps doesn't find bigger women sexually attractive. That isn't really going to change despite being married/together. I'm sure he has tried to ignore it, but if he is finding himself unattracted to her new body, what should he do?

Yes it's shallow, but physical attraction is somewhat important in relationships, more so to some than others! Let's not pretend that , that goes out the window as soon as you get married.

In an ideal world we could all let ourselves go , and our partners would still find us attractive but we have to take some accountability for how we look.

I was a size 10 when me and my husband got together. I am now a size 12. He is fine with that change. But I am sure if I went up to a size 18, he wouldn't find me sexually attractive, I am not offended by that fact.

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