Sudden change in behaviour

[Namechange212]

Hi all,

Some of you might have seen my previous thread the other day. I’ve been dating a guy around 5 weeks which I know is not long, obviously we were talking for a few weeks before that but I was multidating a bit at the time so didn’t really start to get invested until date 3. DTD on date 4 and seen him a few more times since then. He was out with friends at the weekend and was texting me when he could throughout the night, and got moderately drunk sending messages like “I’m so happy because of you” “I want you to meet my closest friends”. We saw each other again on Sunday and it was fine he stayed over (about the 3rd time he’s stayed over).

Since he left there has been a very obvious change in energy, particularly today. I have had 2 texts from him and he hasn’t replied to my last one in over 6 hours although he has been coming online all day and is also off work this week and doesn’t have DC. This is not normal at all as normally we would be back and forth with texts when not working and flirty messages.

I asked last night if he was generally ok, he said he’s just tired and not feeling himself. I would love to say I’m just overthinking it and try to tell myself that but 9/10 when I’ve had similar situations in the past when dating my gut has been right. And I’d obviously be gutted if it’s not going anywhere because I am at the point where I am starting to like him. And it’s a bit of an odd shift suddenly from Saturday with his messages being like that.

I’m very aware of my anxious attachment style and have also been reading various books about this and have been having therapy. I feel like I need to start asserting my boundaries more in dating and I’ve learnt this, because I hate this whole notion of men pursuing us and pulling back once we start getting into it and then we get labelled as “needy”.

I appreciate people will have different opinions but I really don’t want any judgement on this thread just some advice on how to handle the his going forward?

Messaging patterns do change as relationships progress and the need to impress lessens so I’m 50/50 on whether it’s just that or the Slow Fade now he’s had his oats.

Any plans to meet again? Maybe arrange something where can’t jump into bed with each other – that might be very telling.

Hi brightsar, I remember your post from the other day as we sound so similar in our way of thinking about texts; over analysing and having an anxious attachment style.

When I read your post I think logically and think he's maybe having a difficult time and not in the headspace for flirting etc. Plus it's true that texting styles change as people get more comfortable so it could well be that. 6 hours isn't that long to not respond either

However, I also know that if I was in you're shoes I'd be over thinking and fearing the worst. I started a thread on Monday night as the guy I'm seeing was away on a course for work and hadn't been in touch for 4hrs when he'd said he'd call so it was all making me a bit anxious

Part of me thinks we just need to hide our anxiety at this stage otherwise we'll sabotage every potential relationship but it's so hard!

I don't have much advice but just wanted to say how much I understand

Having an anxious attachment style means that when things aren't going as you'd like, you'll seek to blame yourself, and look for things you can change about yourself. Really, you just need to look at the first clause there: things aren't going as you'd like.

Do you really think that you'd feel like this after 5 weeks if he was a healthy match for you?

@Watchkeys I think you’re right.

I’ve sent the following:

I know you’re busy today and not been feeling 100% but my gut feeling is telling me something isn’t right here so I’m going to back off a bit, I do like you and feel we have a really good connection but the energy is different over the last few days and I don’t wanna put myself in a situation where I might get hurt again I hope you understand, I do genuinely hope that you’re ok xxx

I know deep down I wouldn’t be feeling this way if things were right. I think I do just need to take myself out of dating generally for a little while and I think this has been what’s made me realise.

Strong step @Brightstar29

That's all you have to do to maintain healthy boundaries, ever: if it feels wrong, have the strength to walk away.

You just did 'Secure attachment style': congratulations! It's life changing!

I sent the message and he’s been online but not replied but must have seen it. I think there’s my answer. I just feel so down because I had such a good feeling about it before. And I know it’s probably nothing to do with me but I just wanna understand what went wrong from him being so keen before.

@Brightstar29 I think you’re gut feeling is probably right. 5 weeks in is the stage you can’t wait to speak to each other, if you sense him pulling away there is something he’s not sure about. He most likely will reply either to confirm you’re right or give a vague reply if he wants to keep you as an option but I would move on regardless x

I just wish this didn’t keep happening. I’m clearly going for the wrong guys but I don’t know how to spot it.

I found this. I think there probably things you just miss that really aren't compatible or even big red flags, but the excitement and the initial attraction makes you all misty eyed.

@Brightstar29 I was once told around the 6 week mark guys know whether they want a relationship with the one they are dating, then around the 6 month mark they know whether they see a long term relationship with them then around the 2 year mark they know if it’s the one they want to marry etc! I’m sure that’s not the case with every man but it’s definitely something I’ve witnessed to be true a lot.

@Hidehiho kind of wish they wouldn’t just lead you on though?

@Brightstar29 I know. It’s not nice but maybe it’s not them leading you on as such but more that he likes/d you but doesnt see it being long term? You never know, he might reply and explain but 9/10 if you sense a guy pulling away it means it’s not going in the right direction. It is deflating though when you really like someone. I’m recently single after a long term relationship and this kind of stuff really puts me off the idea of dating again!

@Hidehiho he was literally saying the other day about how happy I made him though. I guess this is a case of actions speaking louder than words? Still all very odd.

I posted below saying that I would feel the same as you in this position but the logical part of my brain was saying that he probably was into you but just not texting as much today....

I've posted a very similar thread and most of the responses said that the frequency of texting isn't the best indicator of whether they like you or not so now I'm confused

I also think some men (not all) think they want a relationship but when they feel a woman is pushing toward this they back away.

Who knows but I wish you all the best. Hopefully he replies with an explanation

This is so hard and I feel for you OP. It's so hard as you know they are pulling away so you get into the push /pull cycle and it feels horrible. I recently had this with my guy, 4 months in but known him a long time. I put my cards on the table and he's back to making lots of effort. It can make you feel really vulnerable, but your text is good as it will bring it a head.

I agree with the poster on the 6 weeks, 6 months, 2 years thing as well!

Something changed for him. It doesn't matter what it is: that's his business. Why would you care what makes him tick unless you're looking to find out what mistake you made (in his eyes)?

Turn this around. He let you down. The right guy for you would never do that, so you walked away. It's a sign of your strength.

If you're going to look into 'What went wrong?', look at what you did wrong for you. It's not that you keep picking the wrong guys. It's that you invest too soon. If you stayed lighthearted until you were a few months in, and left whenever someone treated you like this, you'd simply have a few dates with each guy, and move on. It wouldn't hurt like this.

He eventually messaged me:
“Hey I’ve been out all day, it’s been busy. I don’t have the capacity for this conversation tonight. I’ll speak to you about it tomorrow”

Its still a change in pattern for him. He was out all day Saturday with his friends but still consistently messaging.

My friend thinks it’s a bit mean and disrespectful he’s messaged me that but quite honestly I’m a bit exhausted from the stress I don’t have the capacity for the conversation either.

I don’t particularly feel like replying but it might make me look the bad guy if I don’t eventually? I’m not sure where that’s going to go either, it doesn’t look good, but to be honest it’s made me realise that I might just wanna take myself out of dating anyway for a bit.

What you 'look like' is very school-yard. You've got to do what you need to, and accept that some people will love that and some will hate that and many will be in between.

You're not here to 'look like the good guy'. You're here to do the things you need and want to make you happy, whilst offering sufficient respect to others.

His priority isn't your feelings/relationship. Otherwise he'd at least be asking if you were ok with his decision not to talk. He's doing what he needs to, and sod what you feel. Why do you need to be a 'good guy'?

Don't reply. It's not a message that needs a response to it.
I agree it's mean and I'd back off and leave this one be. Not any care on that response at all :(
Busy yourself and don't be tempted to look or answer

I wouldn't reply either. I wouldn't have anymore to say to him tbh

The thing is they always come back…but by that point I’m normally well moved on. I don’t get why they do that, why not just take the chance properly whilst they have me.

I just don’t get what’s changed so suddenly for him.

Oh I wouldnt reply, I would sack it off now. Girl if you dont want a guy to lose interest, dont sleep with them for a long time

Hmm I think it’s not the nicest message from him either. No need to reply, he himself said he didn’t want to communicate tonight. Try and get some rest. He owes you a massive apology and a lot of grovelling if he’s to get a second chance. I’m not sure if I’d bother even then.

If I hadn’t responded to someone’s text in 6 hours and they sent me that message I’d be totally 😬. I’m not dating (married), but I don’t respond to any messages when I’m out doing something or seeing friends as it’s quite rude. I would assume he was out just enjoying doing something and now he’s probably quite put off. I would be.

@Brightstar29 100% don’t reply. It’s not a message to reply to. To be honest I think you have your answer in both his changed behaviour and that response.