Sudden change in behaviour

[Namechange212]

Hi all,

Some of you might have seen my previous thread the other day. I’ve been dating a guy around 5 weeks which I know is not long, obviously we were talking for a few weeks before that but I was multidating a bit at the time so didn’t really start to get invested until date 3. DTD on date 4 and seen him a few more times since then. He was out with friends at the weekend and was texting me when he could throughout the night, and got moderately drunk sending messages like “I’m so happy because of you” “I want you to meet my closest friends”. We saw each other again on Sunday and it was fine he stayed over (about the 3rd time he’s stayed over).

Since he left there has been a very obvious change in energy, particularly today. I have had 2 texts from him and he hasn’t replied to my last one in over 6 hours although he has been coming online all day and is also off work this week and doesn’t have DC. This is not normal at all as normally we would be back and forth with texts when not working and flirty messages.

I asked last night if he was generally ok, he said he’s just tired and not feeling himself. I would love to say I’m just overthinking it and try to tell myself that but 9/10 when I’ve had similar situations in the past when dating my gut has been right. And I’d obviously be gutted if it’s not going anywhere because I am at the point where I am starting to like him. And it’s a bit of an odd shift suddenly from Saturday with his messages being like that.

I’m very aware of my anxious attachment style and have also been reading various books about this and have been having therapy. I feel like I need to start asserting my boundaries more in dating and I’ve learnt this, because I hate this whole notion of men pursuing us and pulling back once we start getting into it and then we get labelled as “needy”.

I appreciate people will have different opinions but I really don’t want any judgement on this thread just some advice on how to handle the his going forward?

Good advice from @LaingsAcidTab - that makes a lot of sense. Sorry if my post was on the more direct side, OP, but I hope you can work through your anxieties and get yourself well. Put your energy into that not into these guys.

Is there any way I can bring this back because I do actually like him?

Whether it was 'too much' or not, the right person would at least be willing to have a grown-up conversation about it. If he can't, then he's a dud anyway.

What did your message yesterday mean? Ending it? Break? Less commitment? Less time together?

What do you want from him?

Therapy. That'll help you find someone who is worth your time. I will guarantee he isn't "it". In fact, if you got therapy, you will almost certainly look back at this moment, and at him, and breathe a sigh of relief.

OP why do you want to ‘bring it back’ so much? Surely if you need to bring it back then it’s not meant to be? You shouldn’t be having to force it, you even said yourself this wouldn’t have pushed the right person away in the first place. Why are you so desperate to make it work with someone who can’t even give you a text back, you’re better than that!

cut your losses and get back on the dating scene. It sounds like you maybe some anxiety that needs tackling too so focus on yourself and forget about that asshole

Honestly, OP, this is starting to do my head in a bit, and I'm just a random stranger on the internet reading words on a screen. You've known him for a few weeks and there is a real obsessive neediness coming across in your messages. I would be backing away if I were him. It's too much. He has sent a message basically requesting that you leave it for now. Try to do something else and think about something else.

OP - you've acknowledged that even if you've misread his signals, he isn't giving you the feeling you want from dialling back on the energy since the weekend.

And @Watchkeys is right - the "right" person won't see anything problematic about your message - the fact is, yes he may be unwell/not 100%, but he will be aware that he has changed the dynamics of the relationship this week, and the onus is on him to say "Look, OP, I'm feeling XYZ and just need a bit of space" - that's called good communication. Was the message a bit heavy? Possibly, but his reaction again, didn't seek to see if you were OK with the decision to talk about it tomorrow, just dictated to you what was going to happen, leaving you more in the lurch than before. A decent person would say "I understand your feelings, I'm not feeling up to talking about this tonight but we can definitely talk about it tomorrow - hope you're OK" - it both asserts their right to leave the conversation till tomorrow whilst also assuring you that it will be tackled.

This is too much drama too soon. The drawback of an anxious attachment style is that we (and I say we because I am one too) tend to self criticise when something feels wrong - rather than look at it holistically and question whether it's just a case of incompatibility. There could be a number of reasons why this has happened with this guy - slow fade, genuine illness/MH problems, or that he's just not as interested. Either way, he has a responsibility if a decent person to be upfront with that information, and he's not. He's gone from one extreme to the next and left you confused. If you were to continue with the relationship, you would be putting yourself at risk of constantly feeling on edge in case the dynamic changed again and overcompensating for that. Don't do it.

All of this. Yes.

I completely understand how you're feeling but I think the only hope now is to leave the ball in his court.

If he's feeling overwhelmed or claustrophobic further texts won't help

Yes, I agree wholeheartedly with all of this.

I am a recovered anxious-attacher too. My younger years were spent in intense fixation on unavailable men, and in moments of spiralling unease when the ones who did respond didn't respond in the way I felt I needed. I would then start bombarding them with messages in an attempt to rectify all of the mistakes I felt I was making along the way.

Of course, the biggest mistake by far was failing to address the cause, which I finally did by seeking out a therapist and working things through that way.

Today, things have changed. None of those men is on my radar anymore. I am so thankful I left them behind. (And I'm sure they're younger selves are thankful I wasn't in their lives either!)

*their

This. 👆🏻

It’s hard because I do like him and felt it could have been something good so I’m umming and ahhing about whether I did the right thing now, but I guess there’s not much I can do now. I think if this is finished with this guy I’m taking a break from dating, I’ve been working on myself but I need to do it even more, and can hopefully come back in with a fresh perspective.

The only work you need to do on yourself is to realise there's nothing wrong with you. That's it.

What's basically happened here is that a bloke you've been seeing pulled back and you didn't like it. You've created all kinds of push pull drama out of it because you're unsure on your feet. It's very simple: you like him, but he isn't offering what you want, so it's over. That's the full extent of the story.

You can spend years dramatising your whole life if you want, but basically it will all come down to this: if you spend your time with people who make you feel good, and turn away from people who don't, you'll have a happy life.

"and felt it could have been something good"

This isn't reality though, OP, so don't base your feeling on that. Don't mourn a future of any type that didn't exist – because it never existed, it was just imagined. If it isn't turning into something good NOW then the something good would never have happened anyway. Stay in the present and don't lament yesterday or an imagined tomorrow.

How on earth and why on earth are you getting into a state about a 5 week relationship????
Maybe he's just busy but this kind of paranoia is unhealthy for you and he's probably thinking your a bit obsessive

Sit back and wait for him to contact you if he does great, if not - move on and learn from it

The only work you need to do on yourself is to realise there's nothing wrong with you. That's it.

Um, I disagree with this. Unless you mean absolutely at the core she is enough and needs to realise that and feel secure in herself and build up from there. But in terms of how she's handling life/relationships right now there is a lot wrong and she knows it, which is why she's getting in such a state over a few dates.

OP, I think you're right and would be very wise to take a break and do the hard work. It too easy to get back in the loop of 'oh but he could have been special' and then you're spiralling again. You drew a line. Stick with it and move on. You've not lost anything and it's likely been a good wake-up call to switch gears.

If you're "working on yourself" by yourself, it's going to make little difference to your life. Worse: you're going to be avoiding doing the real work by pretending that what you're doing is 'work'.

That's the nature of defence mechanism: they put compelling diversions (self-help, workshops, manifesting, whatever) in your way to stop you from facing the core issue, and that's why therapy can be so important: when done well, and with thought, it helps you face pain gently. Because it always comes down to pain.

A bit harsh – going into the second month of regular, frequent dates is when you start to ponder the questions of whether or not it's 'going anywhere' and whether or not you want to be exclusive, especially if you're sleeping together and you're not into casual sex. OLD is an absolute hotbed of people that blow hot and cold and discard people on a whim – that's horrible for anyone looking to find someone serious and special, and playing 'the cool girl' is both contrived and pointless.

@Watchkeys - Your suggestion is simple, and I think correct. But "simple" and "easy" are two different things, and no amount of self-talk or deciding to change is going to help, imo.

@Pinkdelight3

Unless you mean absolutely at the core she is enough and needs to realise that and feel secure in herself and build up from there. But in terms of how she's handling life/relationships right now there is a lot wrong and she knows it, which is why she's getting in such a state over a few dates

That's exactly what I mean, and if she fixes her erroneous assumption that she's not enough, the 'handling of life and relationships' will follow naturally. They're not 2 separate things. Self respecting people behave in self respecting ways. They don't work on their self respect, get it sorted, and then have to continue to work on 'behaviours'. They instinctively stop doing things that are bad for them.

In fact, the definition of self respect could be phrased as 'Habitually choosing behaviours that benefit you and make you happy'

My bets are on that this guy will be back once you are quiet a few days/weeks, but do not be sucked back in. Pps are right, if this guy was so great, it wouldn't be this hard work and you wouldn't feel anxiety and he wouldn't be blowing hot and cold

It worked for me. It being hard is a massive red herring that causes lots of people lots of anguish. Caused me lots of anguish. Then it clicked. It's a decision by decision process, and you only have to 'work on' one decision at a time (not on 'yourself' or 'your faults'), and all you have to ask yourself is 'What will I be glad I decided to do, when I look back on this?'

It might not work for you, but don't make blanket statements about 'no amount of x y z will change anything', because for some, it will.

Sure, I completely agree, but the way you put it made it sound so easy yet it's huge. Like - it's not you, it's him - won't fix it. Cos there's loads of stuff in the way that is her and she needs help to grapple with it before she can get to that core. Thinking she's fine and putting it on this guy isn't going to change anything.

Again, OP, I think you should heed @LaingsAcidTab, who sounds dead on it.