Sudden change in behaviour

[Namechange212]

Hi all,

Some of you might have seen my previous thread the other day. I’ve been dating a guy around 5 weeks which I know is not long, obviously we were talking for a few weeks before that but I was multidating a bit at the time so didn’t really start to get invested until date 3. DTD on date 4 and seen him a few more times since then. He was out with friends at the weekend and was texting me when he could throughout the night, and got moderately drunk sending messages like “I’m so happy because of you” “I want you to meet my closest friends”. We saw each other again on Sunday and it was fine he stayed over (about the 3rd time he’s stayed over).

Since he left there has been a very obvious change in energy, particularly today. I have had 2 texts from him and he hasn’t replied to my last one in over 6 hours although he has been coming online all day and is also off work this week and doesn’t have DC. This is not normal at all as normally we would be back and forth with texts when not working and flirty messages.

I asked last night if he was generally ok, he said he’s just tired and not feeling himself. I would love to say I’m just overthinking it and try to tell myself that but 9/10 when I’ve had similar situations in the past when dating my gut has been right. And I’d obviously be gutted if it’s not going anywhere because I am at the point where I am starting to like him. And it’s a bit of an odd shift suddenly from Saturday with his messages being like that.

I’m very aware of my anxious attachment style and have also been reading various books about this and have been having therapy. I feel like I need to start asserting my boundaries more in dating and I’ve learnt this, because I hate this whole notion of men pursuing us and pulling back once we start getting into it and then we get labelled as “needy”.

I appreciate people will have different opinions but I really don’t want any judgement on this thread just some advice on how to handle the his going forward?

I hear what you are saying, but there have been others that have said that it was OK to send that message and have reassured you that you didn't say anything too OTT. It's more the overthinking of it since, and the self analysis, that other posters are saying indicates something more.

As much as you possibly want to appeal to his good nature by trying to clarify your intent, the onus was on him to find out what that was if he was confused - he's not reached out because he's not confused - he probably knows he's dialled his contact back significantly and slow fading you and doesn't feel it fit to give you the answers I know you want. Texting him your suggestion will just leave you with more unanswered questions and make you feel foolish and low when he doesn't reply, so I'd definitely not do it.

She hasn’t sent constant messages. She’s sent two messages. One when he seemed off for a few days (after he’d left her place after sex, no less) and one in reply to a message from him. Her level of anxiety which she is displaying here (and asking for help with!) is not privy to him.

He’s essentially just expecting her to be a good little girl and go away after turning the cold shoulder and ignoring her, because he has the communication skills of a teaspoon and doesn’t want to put on his big boy pants and have an adult conversation.

Oh, OP, I´m hurting reading your messages, it gets worse and worse. Rule 1. If a guy is into you, he will make damned sure you know, one way or another. This one, in my opinion, is chasing someone else, and he is finding you more and more irritating every message. His nasty response did not warrant a reply. He was hoping you would read between the lines. Unfortunately, and against all sound advice here, you haven´t.
Please, please, please move on. There is nothing here for you. Yeah you liked him, also you are not compatible, you aren´t feeling good. There is your answer.

OP,

Your need to send that text in the face of his rudeness will be why you will find yourself in this situation again.

You were advised not to but did.

Your choice of course.

But chasing men, appearing too interested, too keen, is never a good idea.

He was rude to you but you still needed to be nice back.

This behaviour will never make you likeable.

It makes you come across as weak without boundaries and lacking in self respect.

As you continue to send signals of no boundaries you will keep getting this treatment from players.

He was very rude because he is rude, and he thought he could be.

You need to work on this.
Because as long as you allow yourself to be disrespected you will get the same result.

Expect to be treated with respect, accept no less.

I agree with this. I'm really sorry OP. Please don't message him again - why don't you block his number to stop temptation? You saying "no doubt he will pop up again" suggests you might go along with t, especially as it seems like you have low self esteem. I mean this in the kindest way possible but I think it would be undignified if you send any more messages. He's an absolute tosser and you deserve better than someone who doesn't even have the balls to break up with you properly.

Google 'love bombing'. Because he sounds like he did that. If someone messaged me with 'I want to meet your closest friends and family' just 5 weeks in,I'd get the fear! Because that's way too full on. Also, he then blows cold straight after so - I think it was some push and pull bs.

I think you're 'insecure attachment' might mean you latch on to people who seem really into you in the beginning. But the thing you have to remember is that real feelings take time to form and grow so if they are all over you like a rash from the offset or on an on about how amazing you are ecect...theyre selling you a watch. Its not real.

*your

I think I’m just trying to make sense of it. I probably won’t send another message now I think I was just having a weak moment and doubting myself because of other people saying I overreacted. And I’m gutted that it’s another situation where it seemed really promising then this happens. I’m trying to fill my time with other things such as podcasts reading etc but it’s still hard.

The only sense you need to make of it is that he pulled back, then failed to reassure you. It doesn't need any more pulling apart than that. You don't need any more pulling apart than that. Cut people out of your life if your relationship with them causes painful situations you have to 'work out'. They're not your people.

His message was very rude.

My friend has said I’m letting him off too lightly and I shouldn’t let him get away with treating me like this, and I do see her point because I think society teaches us to let men get away with this stuff which isn’t right really, but on the other hand I think if I was to continue messaging and confront him it would cause me more stress but it’s hard because I’m angry at him for treating me like this.

I think rationally the best thing for me to do now is just step away and if I hear from him again I can then formulate a response based on what’s said. Whether that’s in a few days/weeks/months time.

I probably won’t send another message

No! No "probably". He fucked you around and now he is out of your life. Please think of him as the person he actually is and not the person you imagined him to be. His actions have spoken volumes and you do not want someone like that in your life. Repeat this to yourself and stop checking your phone to see if he's messaged you. Block his number and move on.

You're not responsible for disciplining him. Any attempt to 'not let him get away with this' will simply reveal the truth: you have no power over anybody but yourself.

@Brightstar29 I agree with your part where your friend says they shouldn’t get away with this behaviour. Sadly it’s best to walk, it will happen to them again if they behave the same, some men just don’t care how they treat woman.

I wish you hadn’t sent that silly ‘ok xx’ message. The only reason you did it was to try to prompt a response from someone who is showing that he really doesn’t give a shit.

And now you ‘probably won’t’ send another message? I thought you’d deleted his number?

I know it’s frustrating and you’re spiralling but please try to preserve the last of your dignity. Don’t message him again.

I agree with you, OP, that's it's maddening to let guys like this 'get away with it'. At this point in time, however, any chastisement from you is unlikely to have any effect on him – people like that operate so selfishly that they literally can't commute empathy or outside opinion. Be safe in the knowledge that you are open to receiving love and building meaningful relationships, which is one of the most important qualities you can have an a person – he on the other hand has a long and unfulfilling road ahead of him.

Thanks for all the helpful advice. I may update if he messages again but right now going to take myself out of it and focus on self care.

Have you tried therapy, @Brightstar29? I think you trying to do this yourself is going to be a long and heart-breaking route.

I have to agree with others that the message you sent was too full on and as a woman if I received that message I would be put off completely since it is such early days.
I can understand you noticing the sudden change in communication style, but I do think you jumped the gun when you had only noticed the change during that one day.
In future when you meet someone else just get on with your life...seeing friends etc then hopefully you won't be so focussed on the texting.

There’s no need for revenge or to teach him a lesson, however tempting – it will achieve nothing. You’ve said your bit, acknowledged his response (much better than ghosting HIM). He’s been the immature one handling it the way he has so he’s clearly not in the right place for the kind of relationship you’re looking for anyway.

I think you handled the situation really well and in an adult and mature way, tbh.
You sensed him backing off, you questioned him on that, he gave a flakey response which you acknowledged. You was being true to yourself. You’re doing alright 💐

@crimsonlake it had been over a couple of days but more prominently on that one day.

I think the bottom line is I had a gut instinct and it’s normally always right as it has been in past situations. The message may have been heavy but isn’t there also some onus on him to offer more reassurance than he has done if he was as into me as what he originally made out? It might have been heavy but the things he said and did over the last few weeks up until now made me really believe he was into me and it was going somewhere, e.g saying about meeting his friends and even talking about booking a weekend away plus all the compliments and saying how much he liked me, so then when I do start to get into it can I really be blamed for being upset and anxious over a sudden change like that?

Hi OP. I just noticed from your original post that he has DC. I'm not making excuses for his behaviour but could something have happened with his DC? Maybe illness or perhaps he had to look after them unexpectedly. The sudden change in energy that you mentioned seems strange so maybe he had something going on with the kids. Many men are unable to multitask and I know when my DP is with his kids, he is 100% with them and our communication is limited. If this was the case, he might have been put off by your text. It also could explain why he wasn't available to meet up as planned. There's no excuse for his rude text of course, but sometimes things happen unexpectedly with kids. Do you have DC yourself?

There's no onus on anybody to do anything. Everybody has every right to do exactly as they wish, as long as it's within the law.

If you're finding yourself being repeatedly hurt in this way, you need to have a look at your behaviour. You are believing people's promises to you when really, you don't know them well enough to trust them. You are buying into a future you're told you'll get by people you don't know. Why are you doing this? Why isn't there enough else going on in your life that, when some near stranger lets you down, you can't walk away, saying 'fiddlesticks!', and simply move past it?

Rather than your ego-defense-responses of a) blaming him and b) 'Who could blame me?', actually have a look at your own situation, and what you could change. You're the one who stands to benefit from accepting your own failings, here.

@rosyvalentine sorry it should say that he doesn’t have DC.

Definitely going to do some work on myself. I’m a bit nervous now if I do get a message from him and how to handle it but I guess I’ll cross that bridge when it comes.

Sorry OP. I misunderstood and thought that you meant he didn't have his DC with him that week! Best of luck with everything.