Sudden change in behaviour

[Namechange212]

Hi all,

Some of you might have seen my previous thread the other day. I’ve been dating a guy around 5 weeks which I know is not long, obviously we were talking for a few weeks before that but I was multidating a bit at the time so didn’t really start to get invested until date 3. DTD on date 4 and seen him a few more times since then. He was out with friends at the weekend and was texting me when he could throughout the night, and got moderately drunk sending messages like “I’m so happy because of you” “I want you to meet my closest friends”. We saw each other again on Sunday and it was fine he stayed over (about the 3rd time he’s stayed over).

Since he left there has been a very obvious change in energy, particularly today. I have had 2 texts from him and he hasn’t replied to my last one in over 6 hours although he has been coming online all day and is also off work this week and doesn’t have DC. This is not normal at all as normally we would be back and forth with texts when not working and flirty messages.

I asked last night if he was generally ok, he said he’s just tired and not feeling himself. I would love to say I’m just overthinking it and try to tell myself that but 9/10 when I’ve had similar situations in the past when dating my gut has been right. And I’d obviously be gutted if it’s not going anywhere because I am at the point where I am starting to like him. And it’s a bit of an odd shift suddenly from Saturday with his messages being like that.

I’m very aware of my anxious attachment style and have also been reading various books about this and have been having therapy. I feel like I need to start asserting my boundaries more in dating and I’ve learnt this, because I hate this whole notion of men pursuing us and pulling back once we start getting into it and then we get labelled as “needy”.

I appreciate people will have different opinions but I really don’t want any judgement on this thread just some advice on how to handle the his going forward?

Make love? I bet your partner didn’t love you the first time you had sex with them.
Stop pushing the narrative that women should be treated badly for enjoying sex. Absolute tosh.

Dating is really hard.

I think you have to realise that not everything is linear. And sadly, not everyone is genuine. He's probably dating other women too. Or at least on the sites chatting and flirting.

The bottom line is he's a bad egg.

You, on the other hand, have a lot to offer someone. And you have plenty of time to meet someone and have kids. Heck you could be pregnant next month from a one night stand.

Try not to put too much pressure on it. And please, please .... Don't blame yourself!

Op I have been in this situation so many times. And it's shit and you feel the need to defend yourself and it snowballs into this tirade of messages. I recognise the desperation to save it and you end up feeling crazy!! You could have been me.

I am 41 by the way and it has taken me this long to find my person. And you know what? It was EASY there were no games, no silly dating rules. We were just ourselves. Don't settle for anything less no matter how long it takes.

And don't fret about the texts - we've all done it whether we admit to it or not

Read whole thread. That's awful that he couldn't be bothered to actually tell you this without prompting. But I had this with a guy too once - messages got infrequent after 6 weeks, stopped planning dates. No explanation and when I asked if everything was ok, he said it was. But it wasn't making me happy. Finally I had enough and called him to ended things and only then did he admit that he wasn't sure what the problem was, whether still in love with the ex, just not ready for relationship or if I was the wrong girl. I was annoyed he hadn't just told me that instead of me forcing that convo.

But my lesson was to always trust your gut and rather than try and figure out what you've done wrong, just accept they aren't making you happy and you have the agency to end it. Also - never ever emotionally invest into a man until he's made you a gf and started fitting you into his life/friends/family. It's on them to show you they're capable of being consistent reliable bfs.

But good you have your closure! Enjoy your holiday in Aug and congratulate yourself for killing this dead end situation off after a few weeks rather than years!

Totally understandable that you messaged him again. I guess at least he was willing to send some kind of answer this time, even some of it still sounds shitty. Hopefully getting some kind of closure feels a bit less crappy than nothing at all, but it's still massively disappointing of course after a promising start. It's just really unlucky and I hope you have much better luck next time.

Shame he couldn’t have just said that a week ago.

‘You’re an amazing person and I wish you the best’ - but not amazing enough for me to text back. Gotcha.

Hey OP sorry you've had a bit of a head fuck with this one. I think you did absolutely the right thing by backing off as soon as you sensed fuckwitting behaviour.

Perhaps one thing to think about going forward, if you sense red flags, don't message him telling him you're taking a break, just do it. Actions speak louder than words. If he is genuinely interested in you he will be in touch, and soon. If not, you have your answer.

One mantra to always, always follow is 'listen to what people DO , not what they SAY'

I'd always keep a few on the go as well so I didn't get too invested too early in any one individual and also so that when I binned them off for ANY unacceptable behaviour, no matter how minor, I'd still have entertainment lined up.

Take precisely 0% bad behaviour from anyone for the first 6 months and dump any immediately if they show you who they are and you don't like what you see.

Perhaps one thing to think about going forward, if you sense red flags, don't message him telling him you're taking a break, just do it. Actions speak louder than words. If he is genuinely interested in you he will be in touch, and soon. If not, you have your answer.

Brilliant advice. I always think messaging someone to say you're backing off comes across as a bit attention seeking. I also wouldn't be that interested in a man only giving me attention as I've more or less told him too.

If you're dating someone who's not matching your effort or level of interest and it's making you unhappy just move on. His loss

@Brightstar29 - I've not read the thread, just your posts, and it's a painful read. I'm glad you've had a lot of useful advice but hope that you will take the following to heart andimplement it future relationships:

Perhaps one thing to think about going forward, if you sense red flags, don't message him telling him you're taking a break, just do it. Actions speak louder than words. If he is genuinely interested in you he will be in touch, and soon. If not, you have your answer.
One mantra to always, always follow is 'listen to what people DO , not what they SAY'

Focus on more rational thought and less anxious worrying... And read this book: WOMEN WHO LOVE TOO MUCH. Awful title, but a brilliant book, as valuable today as when it was first published 20 odd years ago.

The worst thing is I’d actually been on a couple of dates with someone else as well when I started dating this guy, and I actually ended things with the other guy because I felt more chemistry with this one 🙄

I’ve actually stayed friends with the other guy and just said I’m not ready for a relationship right now. Which I think is a lot more true than I actually thought when I told him that to break things off. Kind of wish I hadn’t picked this guy over him now because he could have been more compatible long term for me but I really just need a break from dating anyway.

I need to learn my lesson and stop getting sucked in by chemistry.

@FlowerArranger I’ve actually read that book and love it.

You need to take things slower and become actual friends with the men you date. Have lots of dates and lots of friendships and make them all aware that is what you are doing. Loves needs friendship. You can have chemistry with someone hateful.