Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sudden change in behaviour

187 replies

Namechange212 · 08/06/2022 17:28

Hi all,

Some of you might have seen my previous thread the other day. I’ve been dating a guy around 5 weeks which I know is not long, obviously we were talking for a few weeks before that but I was multidating a bit at the time so didn’t really start to get invested until date 3. DTD on date 4 and seen him a few more times since then. He was out with friends at the weekend and was texting me when he could throughout the night, and got moderately drunk sending messages like “I’m so happy because of you” “I want you to meet my closest friends”. We saw each other again on Sunday and it was fine he stayed over (about the 3rd time he’s stayed over).

Since he left there has been a very obvious change in energy, particularly today. I have had 2 texts from him and he hasn’t replied to my last one in over 6 hours although he has been coming online all day and is also off work this week and doesn’t have DC. This is not normal at all as normally we would be back and forth with texts when not working and flirty messages.

I asked last night if he was generally ok, he said he’s just tired and not feeling himself. I would love to say I’m just overthinking it and try to tell myself that but 9/10 when I’ve had similar situations in the past when dating my gut has been right. And I’d obviously be gutted if it’s not going anywhere because I am at the point where I am starting to like him. And it’s a bit of an odd shift suddenly from Saturday with his messages being like that.

I’m very aware of my anxious attachment style and have also been reading various books about this and have been having therapy. I feel like I need to start asserting my boundaries more in dating and I’ve learnt this, because I hate this whole notion of men pursuing us and pulling back once we start getting into it and then we get labelled as “needy”.

I appreciate people will have different opinions but I really don’t want any judgement on this thread just some advice on how to handle the his going forward?

OP posts:
cushio · 08/06/2022 21:40

I think if "men" (and I use that term loosely) sense a woman is more into them than they are in her, then tend to back off.

It's shit but it's the old cliche of them wanting to do the chasing. 5 weeks is still early for him to be thinking he's already won you over and they start to lose interest

I hate playing games and I'm rubbish at it which is why my dating life has been so disasterous but it seems to be the only way

Brightstar29 · 08/06/2022 21:50

@cushio I wouldn’t have said I started acting overly keen though, I just probably started to match his energy more. And tbh I think it’s unacceptable behaviour for them to say and do certain things then suddenly pull back and then try to make out we are the crazy ones.

cushio · 08/06/2022 21:53

I 100% agree with you & it sucks but from my experience it seems to be a pattern

rubbleonthedoub · 08/06/2022 21:58

Don't sleep with men until they care about you if you are looking for a long term relationship. A guy won't have sufficient feelings that early on. Have a look at the female dating strategy. But it should be easy at this stage.

Brightstar29 · 08/06/2022 22:02

I slept with him on date 4, which to me is not super early but could have been left longer I suppose, but the offish behaviour didn’t start after the first time sleeping together. I slept with my ex boyfriend of 3 years on date 4 and that obviously progressed into a full relationship.

Watchkeys · 08/06/2022 22:06

If you leave it longer than you want to re sleeping with someone, you're not being your real self.

Be who you are, leave if they treat you badly. Don't try to manipulate things by playing games.

Blaze1886 · 08/06/2022 22:13

Move on from this guy

He's clearly got other stuff going on. You don't need this, esp this soon. My gut feeling would be that he's chasing somebody else now

Mxflamingnoravera · 08/06/2022 22:16

Cut your losses he is a loser. I've just had similar (again) and this time I've not sent any messages or any contact. He's playing you. Sorry you've had to go through this too.

EthicalNonMahogany · 08/06/2022 22:17

wow, I think he just had a quiet couple of days and now he thinks you're a massive drama queen.

Inthesameboatatmo · 08/06/2022 22:17

I wouldn't bother replying although I know from experience it's hard not to . He's more than likely doing a cowardly slow fade ,try not to give it much head space. It's awful when they do this as it makes you question everything about yourself and if you've done anything wrong. You haven't he's just a wanker.

valerianaofficiana · 08/06/2022 22:20

Sorry OP, he is pulling away as you have become needy, never an attractive quality.
You really shouldn't have sent that last text, live your own life and allow the guys you happen to be dating to enhance it, not become the centre of it.
Nobody wants such grave responsibility.

Inthesameboatatmo · 08/06/2022 22:20

Brightstar29 · 08/06/2022 22:02

I slept with him on date 4, which to me is not super early but could have been left longer I suppose, but the offish behaviour didn’t start after the first time sleeping together. I slept with my ex boyfriend of 3 years on date 4 and that obviously progressed into a full relationship.

Op the last man I was dating I held out for 3 months . 3 FUCKIN MONTHS! because I really wanted to avoid being used again by another arsehole. Guess what . After that he went cold. What I'm trying to say is ,it doesn't matter when you sleep with a man , if they are only after one thing they will slow fade/ghost no matter how long you wait.

Doodledeedum · 08/06/2022 22:22

Block delete and move on. And follow @lalalaletmeexplain on Instagram

This is a typical Fuck boy/man thing to do.

If he was in to you you wouldn't be wondering.
Over 7 billion people on this Earth. Don't waste your time on this guy
And DTD when ever you want, a relationship shouldn't be based or run off from that x

Watchkeys · 08/06/2022 22:24

You really shouldn't have sent that last text

According to the rules of what game?

you have become needy

We all have the right amount of needs for ourselves. Partners who find us 'needy' are incompatible. There is no rule about how 'needy' we are meant to be, so there is no objective level of 'too much'.

catandcoffee · 08/06/2022 22:25

That is a bloody rude reply from him.

Heob14 · 08/06/2022 22:32

@Brightstar29 I’m in the same boat..except it’s the guy whose become ‘needy’ and now because I haven’t been able to do something he wants he’s sulking..big mistake. Actions speak louder than words hey. I’d leave replying if I were you.

Brightstar29 · 08/06/2022 22:36

Watchkeys · 08/06/2022 22:24

You really shouldn't have sent that last text

According to the rules of what game?

you have become needy

We all have the right amount of needs for ourselves. Partners who find us 'needy' are incompatible. There is no rule about how 'needy' we are meant to be, so there is no objective level of 'too much'.

This 100%. It’s unacceptable behaviour for men to act really keen then suddenly pull away and for then us to act like we are ok with our needs not being met.

ElenaSt · 08/06/2022 23:16

My view is old fashioned. Build up more of a friendship before making it sexual, it keeps them interested and the excitement of thinking about when you will make love keeps the spark going.

Watchkeys · 08/06/2022 23:22

it keeps them interested

Wow @ElenaSt You think that a woman should use sex as a way to keep a man interested?

What about the man being interested in the woman for other reasons, like her personality and her intellect?

Honeyroar · 08/06/2022 23:31

Who wants to spend their life with someone that you have to work at keeping the spark going or yourself in their mind? It should be easy. Even someone busy, stressed or ill can manage a short “having a rough day, will call tomorrow..” type text. No need for dropping off the radar.

Itstimetoquit · 08/06/2022 23:32

Too much too soon,I think he's had his fun and moved on!

springbreak22 · 08/06/2022 23:35

Maybe dating some others

ElenaSt · 08/06/2022 23:37

Watchkeys · 08/06/2022 23:22

it keeps them interested

Wow @ElenaSt You think that a woman should use sex as a way to keep a man interested?

What about the man being interested in the woman for other reasons, like her personality and her intellect?

That's what I meant! Get to know each other forest before having sex. Sex after four dates in my old fashioned view is not likely to keep some men's interest.

Watchkeys · 08/06/2022 23:47

But why would you want to keep the interest of a man who was only interested in sex, @ElenaSt ? Surely you'd just be wasting more of your time, because once you've spent however long 'keeping his interest', and you have sex with him, he'll lose interest, won't he?

billy1966 · 08/06/2022 23:49

OP,

That was an extraordinarily rude response.

I would delete his number, not block, just delete.

We teach people how to treat us.

You are doing yourself a huge disservice to respond to that.

I do not subscribe to the I cant be rude back.

At all.

Have some respect for yourself and simply give him complete silence and delete his number.

You are 100% wasting YOUR time engaging with him any further.

I believe in complete ruthlessness when faced with rudeness.

He has shown you exactly who he is.

Mind you those future faking texts would be enough for many.

He's a player.
Let him off.