Sudden change in behaviour

[Namechange212]

Hi all,

Some of you might have seen my previous thread the other day. I’ve been dating a guy around 5 weeks which I know is not long, obviously we were talking for a few weeks before that but I was multidating a bit at the time so didn’t really start to get invested until date 3. DTD on date 4 and seen him a few more times since then. He was out with friends at the weekend and was texting me when he could throughout the night, and got moderately drunk sending messages like “I’m so happy because of you” “I want you to meet my closest friends”. We saw each other again on Sunday and it was fine he stayed over (about the 3rd time he’s stayed over).

Since he left there has been a very obvious change in energy, particularly today. I have had 2 texts from him and he hasn’t replied to my last one in over 6 hours although he has been coming online all day and is also off work this week and doesn’t have DC. This is not normal at all as normally we would be back and forth with texts when not working and flirty messages.

I asked last night if he was generally ok, he said he’s just tired and not feeling himself. I would love to say I’m just overthinking it and try to tell myself that but 9/10 when I’ve had similar situations in the past when dating my gut has been right. And I’d obviously be gutted if it’s not going anywhere because I am at the point where I am starting to like him. And it’s a bit of an odd shift suddenly from Saturday with his messages being like that.

I’m very aware of my anxious attachment style and have also been reading various books about this and have been having therapy. I feel like I need to start asserting my boundaries more in dating and I’ve learnt this, because I hate this whole notion of men pursuing us and pulling back once we start getting into it and then we get labelled as “needy”.

I appreciate people will have different opinions but I really don’t want any judgement on this thread just some advice on how to handle the his going forward?

Ignore. Problem solved, before it arises. It's what he's doing to you right now, so obviously it's an acceptable behaviour in his eyes.

He knew you wanted to talk, and he said nothing, so that's what to offer him, from now on: nothing.

Babe this is the story of many dating stories - goes well for 4/5/6 weeks then does a 180. You always have to be prepared
nothing youve done wrong happens all the time - sex or no sex

when you realise the change in your gut next time just delete the number - its pointless even sending any more messages honestly but most of us have been there

you have acted the way the majority of woman would - probably the reason he doesnt want to talk because he knows hes been a cock and cannot be bothered with the back lash. You havent over or under reacted at all - just normal I think, particularly after sex.

hope your ok and always be prepared for a 180 from guys
i know a couple of woman who had in just before their wedding day 😂😂 so you have gotten off lightly

lots of hugs 🍷🍷

Just ignore him - i know you keep saying ‘they always circle back’ who cares??? Put yourself on a pedestal instead of these losers honestly dont give them a second thought

Just to reiterate

DO NOT MESSAGE

His lack of messages and contact is ALL the answer you need.

Sorry OP, been there, and you end up losing all dignity. Let it go x x x

I’ve not messaged and deleted his number so the temptation is not there. Which is a good thing really because I’ve had a gin tonight and I’m really angry he could do that after lots of future faking.

That's great but I'd also advise blocking it so you aren't tempted to reply if he contacts you first.

🍷🍷🍷

happens allot babe
as I said I know of at least two woman who have been future faked a marriage and kids
talk is cheap on the streets
until you get to know someone slowly you have no idea what your working with xxxx

I just feel really low this morning as I’ve still not heard anything, I really want to talk to him. I really wanted it to work out. I don’t know if or when I should expect to hear from him. I guess the silence is the answer but I’m trying to work out what could have gone so wrong all of a sudden. I’m finding it helpful to post on here to get my feelings out. I’ve got a lot on today to fill my day x

Babe there is nothing to talk about
bluntly he does not give af
there was nothing to fix
there was nothing to ‘work out’ because from
his side it was game

stay stop in your brain whenever you start thinking about it and spend the day healing from this loser

This happened to me in my mid 20s.
Was seeing someone for about 6 weeks or so, all going well, I think he was meant to call me the next day to arrange us meeting up again, and I literally never heard from him again. I mean nothing. No 'sorry I need some space, I will get back to you'. Nothing. I think I called and texted a few times, but no reply. That was really, really hard to deal with. I found out he'd left the country a few months later to return to his home country and I think we may have exchanged Facebook messages like 5 years later or something.. I'll never know though why he did that. I guess just a coward.

Oh, and it happened again in my late 20s! Same thing but was a long distance thing. Just ghosted.

It's not easy ending it with someone but if they don't have the decency to at least be honest (even via text) then they are just cowardly and you are better off without them to be frank.

I know you really liked him but he has shown you who he is and so you should believe him. Day by day it'll get easier. Hard to believe now I know, I remember how it feels, but it will.

Sorry op I WAS this guy at Xmas time, I was seeing someone for 7 weeks regularly and I went off him, I said it was getting a bit too serious for me, I stopped texting him, then he texted a week later and I responded that I had alot on and I didn't have head space for it just now.
I just realised I didn't want to see him again and I was trying to end things in the kindest way. And there were times I would have seemed keen and into him I'm sure he would have said.
People change their minds and especially so early, you can feel something one day and then feel differently.
Just adding another perspective here.

@SummerIsComingNowish at least you gave a sort of explanation though and I get that.

I’ve just had nothing and I do keep questioning whether it was the right thing to send that message but then on the other hand I think if he was genuinely into me he would have been in touch by now to explain things a bit more or offer some reassurance.

I'm a man (in case that's relevant) and I don't think you did anything wrong by sending the messages that you sent. If he was into you I think it would have worked out fine. Even if he wasn't into you by then, a decent guy would have given you a proper response. I think he was always going to do this and there's nothing you could have done. It's shitty.

If I've gone off someone then I've always tried to be straight with them (and some of them then got angry in response) but I know other guys who say "don't bother, they'll figure it out" which I think is a crappy and selfish way to do things, but there are quite a few selfish people out there.

Dont worry about sending the message babe
you did nothing wrong at all
hes just not your man x x x

I totally agree

I also meant to say: he knows that he has triggered lots of red flags now by blowing hot and cold and pulling a disappearing act. If he comes back, I would suspect that he is testing what he can get away with, so I would be very wary now.

I know it's shitty when you start to like someone and then they do this. I remember having it done to me once. It's so frustrating but there's nothing you can really do to prevent the possibility of this happening. You sound like a nice person and you deserve better, so I hope that much better things come your way soon.

Don’t worry about sending the message - never be sorry for being honest about how you feel. If he liked you enough it would have been no big thing, if he was a decent guy and still wasn’t into you he would have communicated with you. He’s completely lacking as a prospective partner. There is nothing YOU have done to cause this, it’s all on him.

I’m in my late 30s now and it happened to me a bunch of times OLD in my 20s. I wish I could gift you the hindsight of seeing who guys like this really are.

I think you’re thinking far to much into it, it’s very early days and it doesn’t mean sometning has gone “so wrong” simply he wasn’t that into you and that’s ok. Why do you want someone who is not 100% for you?
I think a break in dating to really become secure in yourself would do you the world of good. It sounds like you really really want a relationship and while that’s great you’re focusing too much on the thought of having someone rather than waiting for the right person, you should never settle
i know it’s easier said than done but don’t believe words believe actions. I used to get very attached like you do and I used to Cling onto the false promises then be heartbroken. I met my now partner of 4 years and he isn’t soppy, doesn’t really talk about emotions and never made big grans promises at the start but his actions showed me he was serious and was a genuine guy. It will come to you but I think you need to take a step back and become so happy on your own that you will only allow someone who truly adds to your life to enter it

I’d also like to add that several times at the start of our relationship I called him out on things I didn’t like and he didn’t just cut me off like your guy has or like guys I dated previously had. We discussed things and he apologised or we resolved them etc. You did nothing wrong messaging him because the right guy for you would have been in touch and discussed it with you

I think I’m going to keep re-reading this thread as I’ve found a lot of the responses really helpful. The thing is I’m 29 which I know isn’t old but I do want to settle down and have children, and obviously it takes a few years to get to that point with someone so that would take me to my early 30s at the very minimum. But I think I need to force myself to have a dating break, I’m going to give it until I get back from my holiday in August and then see how I feel.

Lol i just turned 35 and had this over and over again
just going to have a baby myself honestly
many of my friends in the same position

@Brightstar29 you went with your gut and that's the best you can do. He's confirmed your suspicions that he had started to go cold by the fact he's gone cold. I don't think your message was too much. You addressed it. Your other options would be to ignore it and let him string it out, being distant for however long he wanted or end it. You were polite, his cba response wasn't. Wonder how much he's thinking about the fact he was supposed to visit but hasn't got in touch or said he would speak tomorrow but hasn't bothered.
Your right to delete him and move on. Don't waste any more time on him.

I forgot my phone one day when I went to ride my horse. I was there for hours. I got back to several, increasingly paranoid, messages from my new boyfriend asking why I wasn’t replying, what was wrong etc. I was a bit taken aback, but just gave him the benefit of the doubt, explained what had happened, he apologised for going OTT, and everything went back to normal.. I’m glad I did. He’s been my husband for 16 years..

If this chap can’t understand that his silence might have wobbled you and have talked it out with you, rather than sending one curt reply that he’d talk to you later (then he didn’t), then he’s not in the right place for a relationship. You were strong and right. Don’t go all what if I hadn’t done it…. If you hadn’t you’d either have been picked up and put down when he wanted, or gradually faded out. It’s sad because it seemed so good, but it was early days. You find out how you work together when things go wrong. He could have said he’d got so much going on and was stressed, sorry for the silence, but he flipped it round on you. Not good enough.

He's just not that into you.

There's even a film!

If you have to guess, there's your answer.

Update- I’ve had a few wines and messaged him for an explanation (whether I should or shouldn’t have)

and basically got this in a nutshell: it’s absolutely nothing on you it’s all on me, I thought I was ready to be in something serious but deep down my head isn’t ready to be in that. It’s not about my ex it’s just me and how I am. I really wanted it but felt I couldn’t give you what you deserve. You’re an amazing person I wish you the best in everything and I’m sorry to put you through this.

honestly the fact I had to prompt him for an explanation says it all. Get in the bin 😡