Sudden change in behaviour

[Namechange212]

Hi all,

Some of you might have seen my previous thread the other day. I’ve been dating a guy around 5 weeks which I know is not long, obviously we were talking for a few weeks before that but I was multidating a bit at the time so didn’t really start to get invested until date 3. DTD on date 4 and seen him a few more times since then. He was out with friends at the weekend and was texting me when he could throughout the night, and got moderately drunk sending messages like “I’m so happy because of you” “I want you to meet my closest friends”. We saw each other again on Sunday and it was fine he stayed over (about the 3rd time he’s stayed over).

Since he left there has been a very obvious change in energy, particularly today. I have had 2 texts from him and he hasn’t replied to my last one in over 6 hours although he has been coming online all day and is also off work this week and doesn’t have DC. This is not normal at all as normally we would be back and forth with texts when not working and flirty messages.

I asked last night if he was generally ok, he said he’s just tired and not feeling himself. I would love to say I’m just overthinking it and try to tell myself that but 9/10 when I’ve had similar situations in the past when dating my gut has been right. And I’d obviously be gutted if it’s not going anywhere because I am at the point where I am starting to like him. And it’s a bit of an odd shift suddenly from Saturday with his messages being like that.

I’m very aware of my anxious attachment style and have also been reading various books about this and have been having therapy. I feel like I need to start asserting my boundaries more in dating and I’ve learnt this, because I hate this whole notion of men pursuing us and pulling back once we start getting into it and then we get labelled as “needy”.

I appreciate people will have different opinions but I really don’t want any judgement on this thread just some advice on how to handle the his going forward?

Do nothing. Sit on your hands. If he responds that he’d like to see you again, you can be cool, suggest something neutral (if you want to see him again), and play it by ear. If he responds saying it’s too heavy/too fast/not what he’s looking for, agree and say you feel the moment has passed. Your wants and needs are important. If he doesn’t match up, drop him.

I cant be arsed with the bullshit from some men. If they aren't making you feel amazing - move on.

I agree - it's hard to maintain same mood and energy ALL the time, and he was gushing about you when slightly drunk, then he's chilled/hungover next day and may just feel less energetic about evreything. Maybe you don't know his pesonality that well yet. But imo it's normal to have chill days when yo udon't wat to be all emotional - I'm the same.

I don’t understand your message to him - what exactly were you saying? That you want to stop seeing each other totally? Slow it down? Just have a bit of space for a few days?

If I got that text it would be a giant eye roll as it seems to be a bit dramatic and attention seeking without being clear what you meant. It would probably turn me off completely because you’d seem like hard work. I’m not trying to be rude because you feel how you feel - but that text would confuse and irritate me.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong asserting your boundaries and you get to decide what you think is acceptable. And your description of mismatched energy levels is insightful and a good indicator that even if nothing is “wrong” with him, you’re probably not a good match.

And actually I think his response is curt and abrupt. If your fledging relationship wasn’t over before, it is now. He could have answered in a more caring way even if he’s not up to talk it out tonight.

He sounds like he may be struggling emotionally or mentally.

Best advice I can give you now is do NOTHING. Stay away from online. If it's meant to be it will be 😊

@Zpoa you do realise that it goes both ways; OP should be making the guy 'feel amazing' at all times as well.
Men are not put on this planet for sole reason to make women feel'amazing'.
We are all responsible for our own happiness, expecting others to ensure it will end in disappointment.

Don’t reply to him anymore, OP. Theres no point and this way you’ll retain dignity. Truly, don’t ever give a shit about how you ‘look’.

Nobody 'should' be making anybody feel amazing. Your post suggests that it's someone else's responsibility to make each of us feel good. It isn't. OP shouldn't 'be making' the guy feel amazing; it's the guy's responsibility to choose company that makes him feel good. It is OP's responsibility to choose company that makes her feel good.

Nobody has suggested that men were put here solely to make women feel good. What a ridiculous conflation.

I’ve woke up today feeling quite low about it. I really thought it could have been a good one. I don’t really know if I should reply at all or not or just wait and see if he messages again?

Absolutely do not reply to that text. It would be completely degrading. Just leave it now. If he texts you, he texts you. Or not. There is nothing to say in response to his text which was really cold.

Morning OP. Sorry you're feeling crappy this morning.

Why are you seeing this from a 'You waiting for him to speak' standpoint? He's let you down, hasn't he? And now he's keeping you waiting, and that behaviour is hurting you. Why aren't you the one drawing a line under this?

You're buying into the 'I hope he wants me' mentality; the hallmark of the anxious attachment style. Do you still want him? Do you want someone who can leave you dangling like this? Do you want someone who doesn't communicate when you need them to?

The top and bottom of this is that he changed unpredictably and failed to reassure you when you needed it. You deserve better, so walk.

Honestly op I’m anxious avoidant too but feel your text was too heavy. He said he didn’t feel well, couldn’t you cut him some slack for a few days? You went into full panic mode.
of course, you need to have boundaries but he told you he didn’t feel well , couldn’t you have given him a bit of space. I know when I feel unwell I don’t text.
I think his curt reply was because he’s felt some huge needy pressure when he wasn’t up for that due to feeling unwell
if you’re anything like me I go from cool and laid back to intense when I have feelings and it’s like two different women and it can be off putting. I’ve had to work on realising that. I still state my boundaries and don’t put up with crap but I also realise when I’m being too intense
Anyway, I wouldn’t contact him again now and see if he comes back

You went into full panic mode

Yes. And so the secure thing to do is recognise that a healthy relationship wouldn't cause this response, and leave. The anxious thing to do is to try to change your own approach (ie 'cut him some slack') despite the fact that it's your own needs that aren't being met.

Do not text him again.

He was meant to be coming over tonight but I’m guessing that probably won’t happen now. I’m in two minds as to whether I should expect to hear from him within the next few days or not.

I would delete his number OP. I wouldn't block but I'd remove the risk of you being tempted to text at a low moment.

One tip tho if you do.....make you're your WhatsApp settings are set so that everyone can see your profile photo other than "contacts" only. If you delete his number and he can no longer see your profile pic he might presume he's been blocked, go to message then not bother

Don't block and delete just wait and see.

Stop guessing; you're not a passive observer here. If you want clarity, make clarity.

Great advice

Don’t ask if he’s coming over just leave it now. Too much !

I'm in two minds about this – on one hand, I'm inclined to think the OP's intuition is correct, he's probably lost interest, the OP deserves clarity on that and I don't subscribe to texting games whatsoever – she should feel full confidence in being open about how she feels. On the other hand, it had only been a few days, it's early days in their dating and that was a VERY heavy handed message that probably wasn't warranted based on his behaviour – what probably was warranted was the OP deciding to step back for herself and get on enjoying other things, and then deciding how she felt about the situation as it continued to emerge.

His reply bothers me though. 'Doesn't have the capacity' – poor little lamb. Be an adult and communicate properly. If you're looking to begin a relationship with anyone you need to find the capacity.

Part of me is worrying about the message now if it was too much. Worried I’ve pushed him away. But then on the other hand my thinking is for the right person it wouldn’t push the right person away?

As I’ve said it was a very obvious change in communication which started subtle a few days ago and then yesterday was a lot more obvious.

@Brightstar29 - You're getting the same kind of responses from men because you haven't dealt with your attachment style yet, and anxiously attached people tend to attract avoidant partners unless there is some kind of intervention - whether that's life, or therapy.

Your response to him was intense. I don't think his response was rude but rather a reaction to that intensity. He won't be reacting healthily either because of the dynamic you create together.

If I were you, and if you're fed up of this kind of experience, I'd be seeking out a way of dealing with the underlying patterns you're perpetuating with men. The answer will almost certainly be found in your birth family and your relationship to your parents, and their relationship with each other - whatever those do and do not look like.

I’m also not feeling well myself this week and the anxiety is making that worse alongside still having to work and do everything else.

I really don't think it was rude. I wouldn't have the capacity for OP's message either - he'd said he was tired/out of sorts and just because he hadn't replied for 6 hours - during which time she was monitoring his online activity - she sent a very heavy message that had relationship ending elements. It might be an empowering step in the OP's management of her issues, but for him to get that out of the blue it'd be quite "woah" and need time to formulate a response/talk it over, or indeed decide this is way too much to deal with. He acknowledged her message and quite rightly elected to get to grips with it the next day instead of engaging with the drama. Even now OP is agonising over replying to a message that explicitly requires none. I think she needs to do a lot more work on her anxieties before carrying on with the dating, because all these expectations and calculations are too much. Staying offline regularly for at least 6 hours would be a good start.