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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sudden change in behaviour

187 replies

Namechange212 · 08/06/2022 17:28

Hi all,

Some of you might have seen my previous thread the other day. I’ve been dating a guy around 5 weeks which I know is not long, obviously we were talking for a few weeks before that but I was multidating a bit at the time so didn’t really start to get invested until date 3. DTD on date 4 and seen him a few more times since then. He was out with friends at the weekend and was texting me when he could throughout the night, and got moderately drunk sending messages like “I’m so happy because of you” “I want you to meet my closest friends”. We saw each other again on Sunday and it was fine he stayed over (about the 3rd time he’s stayed over).

Since he left there has been a very obvious change in energy, particularly today. I have had 2 texts from him and he hasn’t replied to my last one in over 6 hours although he has been coming online all day and is also off work this week and doesn’t have DC. This is not normal at all as normally we would be back and forth with texts when not working and flirty messages.

I asked last night if he was generally ok, he said he’s just tired and not feeling himself. I would love to say I’m just overthinking it and try to tell myself that but 9/10 when I’ve had similar situations in the past when dating my gut has been right. And I’d obviously be gutted if it’s not going anywhere because I am at the point where I am starting to like him. And it’s a bit of an odd shift suddenly from Saturday with his messages being like that.

I’m very aware of my anxious attachment style and have also been reading various books about this and have been having therapy. I feel like I need to start asserting my boundaries more in dating and I’ve learnt this, because I hate this whole notion of men pursuing us and pulling back once we start getting into it and then we get labelled as “needy”.

I appreciate people will have different opinions but I really don’t want any judgement on this thread just some advice on how to handle the his going forward?

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 09/06/2022 13:10

made it sound so easy yet it's huge. Like - it's not you, it's him - won't fix it

My point is that it's easy. It might not be for you, because you haven't realised yet. But don't go telling people what you 'know', because what you 'know' isn't a fact. Your experience isn't universal, and neither is mine. What I'm saying is that it doesn't have to be lots of hard work, even though, yes, it is huge.

Nobody said 'It's not you, it's him' - in fact, that's low-self esteem thinking. People with low self esteem assign blame. Regardless of whose fault it is, people with high self esteem will simply say 'This doesn't feel good to me, so I'm removing it from my life'. No blame, no finger pointing, no drama. And all of the decisions that lead to a self respecting life are that simple. It's not a mountain of work, once you realise what you're doing.

Pinkdelight3 · 09/06/2022 13:46

This is getting a bit weird now. Not sure why you're giving me advice. I'm telling the OP what I 'know' same as everyone else on this thread - that's how this site works, she gets a range of opinions, none of which is purporting to be 'fact'. You going on about what self-respecting people do - when by your definition, the OP is not a self-respecting person - doesn't make it possible for the OP to go okay, and do that then. If self-respecting people do xyz by instinct, her instincts need re-setting to get there. As I say, I agree in essence, but your magic wand tone is just... a bit weird. Anyway, OP has had lots of advice and will hopefully take what she needs and start feeling better.

Watchkeys · 09/06/2022 13:57

Giving advice to a person with low self respect about how to develop self respect is a 'weird magic wand tone'?

I'm sorry you think so. No, really.

Chewbecca · 09/06/2022 13:58

I think you are going to see him tonight as he has literally said let's talk about it tomorrow.

I sometimes get so busy at work I forget about all else outside and don't have the capacity to answer messages. It doesn't mean I wasn't really enjoying myself with the person and won't again - when I have headspace.

Have an open conversation this evening and see how it goes.

Brightstar29 · 09/06/2022 15:17

I’m debating sending an “ok xx” message in response so I’m not the one seeming rude, or just ignoring it completely as I have been doing. I’m inclined to do the latter but I don’t want that to then be turned against me in some way.

Didimum · 09/06/2022 15:35

Leave it, OP. Ball is firmly in his court. When was he meant to be coming over?

Brightstar29 · 09/06/2022 15:39

@Didimum tonight, hadn’t set a particular time.

Sux2buthen · 09/06/2022 15:42

You're spiralling. If you can you should probably wait. Or if you have no self control (like me)
I'd probably message saying 'fair enough, sorry I added to any stress. Hope to hear from you'
And then quit and hope lol

FilterWash · 09/06/2022 16:20

Brightstar29 · 09/06/2022 15:17

I’m debating sending an “ok xx” message in response so I’m not the one seeming rude, or just ignoring it completely as I have been doing. I’m inclined to do the latter but I don’t want that to then be turned against me in some way.

He doesn't care.

He's not worrying that you seemed rude.

His last message said explicitly that he can't or won't deal with this right now. You need to do something else.

FilterWash · 09/06/2022 16:20

Brightstar29 · 09/06/2022 15:17

I’m debating sending an “ok xx” message in response so I’m not the one seeming rude, or just ignoring it completely as I have been doing. I’m inclined to do the latter but I don’t want that to then be turned against me in some way.

He doesn't care.

He's not worrying that you seemed rude.

His last message said explicitly that he can't or won't deal with this right now. You need to do something else.

Mrtumblesbag · 09/06/2022 16:30

DO NOT TEXT !

Itstimetoquit · 09/06/2022 16:56

Block and move on x

Brightstar29 · 09/06/2022 21:38

Well he’s not messaged, I’m going to have to throw this one back in. No doubt he will pop up again. No idea why he would say “we’ll talk about it tomorrow” then not get in touch, upset because I thought I’d met a decent one. Time to take a break from it all x

Didimum · 09/06/2022 21:41

Wow, what a dick

Watchkeys · 09/06/2022 21:47

He's shown you his true colours there. When you feel a bit less shocked, you'll be glad you found out this soon. 5 weeks isn't much to have invested.

Brightstar29 · 09/06/2022 21:54

Why would he say “we’ll talk about it tomorrow” and then not get in touch. It’s so demoralising this behaviour from men.

Watchkeys · 09/06/2022 21:57

This isn't behaviour from 'men', OP, this is one guy. Give him full responsibility for it, rather than dispersing it across half the population. He has let you down.

Don't waste your time with 'Why?' How could you ever know the answer for sure, and what good would it do you if you did? The only real answer is 'Because that's how he is.'

Brightstar29 · 09/06/2022 22:02

@Watchkeys I’ve had similar from men before and often get messed about so it’s hard for me not to generalise atm. Which is why I need a break from it but I do have a long history of being messed about despite trying to work on myself.

SpidersAreShitheads · 10/06/2022 01:07

Hmmm. I'm still not sure he's done a whole lot wrong. I do think his reply was brusque and a bit uncaring - but then again, you've only just started dating really and when he got your text, maybe he just thought "wooooah wtf" especially as you said he was unwell.

As I said earlier, to me your text reads like you're finishing things. It sounds like a farewell. That's how I would have read it. He replied "let's talk tomorrow" - you didn't reply so he's probably thought you're not interested and that you just want to move on - hence no contact from him today. If I said to someone "let's talk tomorrow" and they didn't reply, I wouldn't bother with them either. Sorry OP, just being honest.

I agree with others, lots of work on yourself is needed to help you avoid this same situation in the future. I tend to be way too intense myself so I recognise these traits, and I understand how all-consuming they can feel. You can have your own healthy boundaries and set them wherever you want - but none of this was healthy or helpful.

Your text to him was heavy and overly dramatic, as was stalking his online presence, followed by your fairly anguished replies on here about "bringing it back". Either he was doing the slow fade and wasn't interested, or else his energy levels and style of communication wouldn't work for you in the long term. Whichever one it is, all you've done is hasten the end which is no bad thing. But do maybe reflect on how you could have handled this differently. Best of luck.

Brightstar29 · 10/06/2022 06:47

@SpidersAreShitheads i did reply in the end saying “ok xx” to acknowledge his last message but I didn’t get a response after that.

I’ve deleted his number now but wondering if I should have done that because maybe I should have made it more clear I don’t want things to end? But then he’s also not chasing me down either.

PollyDarton1 · 10/06/2022 07:40

Gently, you're overthinking this OP.

If he really wanted to talk about it tomorrow like he claimed, he would have been in touch. All you said was you were stepping back a bit because of the change in dynamics. All he needed to do in response was get clarification over what that meant if he felt confused about it - he didn't. He gave you a brusque reply and then ignored you yesterday, when you'd made plans.

It's really hard not to overthink these things and especially if we have low self esteem, attribute blame to ourselves over things we could have done differently. But in this instance, he's made it clear.

I would definitely recommend reading 'Block, Delete, Move On' by lalalaletmeexplain - it's a book that covers dating red flags and behaviours, and they also have a really good Instagram which dives into specifics.

Brightstar29 · 10/06/2022 08:13

@PollyDarton1 I’m actually part way through reading that book.

I think people saying I overreacted is making me overthink things, I don’t know whether I should send another message saying “I don’t want this to be it but I’m just going to leave things now” and then draw a line under it or not.

Monstertrucks · 10/06/2022 08:23

Please leave it there. He's made no contact with you despite saying he'd ring and despite having plans to come over last night.
I'm sorry to say he doesn't feel the same and wants it to end.

Mrtumblesbag · 10/06/2022 08:41

You keep sending messages against advice on here op. He’s not going to suddenly change his mind being bombarded by messages. It’ll make you feel good for about 10 second and then you’ll be in angst all day checking your phone and not getting a response and feeling even worse. He knows the ball is in his court and he said he would follow up

If he wants to see you again he will. It doesn’t look good that he was supposed to see you yesterday and didn’t tbh but may be he didn’t need your text on top of whatever else he had going on and realised it was all too much for him.

I do also think some men love the chase and the aloof woman and when you get more serious or seem needy dart for the hills.

Perhaps he isn’t the right one for you and you’re mismatched. Once I found my husband, nothing scared him off ! He just liked me and dealt with my mini freak outs but I had to work on myself a bit too. If he didn’t text me for a day, I had to hold myself back from texting ‘is it over etc ‘ ultimately he would always get back in touch but I think it triggered some abandonment freak out in me.

With kindness, you need to let him have space. He can get over whatever illness/issue he has and won’t see you as some big pressure. I definitely think he should have been nicer but who knows what goes on in people’s lives ( you’ve only known him 5 weeks) It’s different if you’re in a committed long term relationship. I’ve been pretty ill this week and if I was dating and got a heavy text like that I would have been annoyed.

If you must text why not wait until Sunday or something, just give some space op

Pennox · 10/06/2022 08:49

I have to be honest, your behaviour with the constant messaging and over analysis at week5 would put me off and I'm a woman. Whatever happened to playing it cool? I think if you come across as too needy too early it can be a bit if a turn off. I think that's what's happening here. Rightly or wrongly, modern dating seems to have forgotten about this butbits always been the case.