What are the chances I imagined this and what would you do..?

[SpottyDress]

I've been with my boyfriend coming up for a year. He's late 50s and I'm mid 40s. We've known each other for a few years and we play in a band together.

We're both invested in the relationship. I don't have any doubts about that. We don't live together but he's shown that he is committed to me from day one really. I've glfeltnreaply safe and secure throughout in a way I never have done before.

And then last night...

We were sitting on the sofa watching TV and his phone went off. We were sitting really close together and, when he opened WhatsApp to read the message, I just glanced over and saw the list. I wasn't looking for anything, I've never had any reason to doubt him. The names on the list are always ones I recognise, he's not secretive with his phone - I know the pass code had have never felt cause or reason to look at it. I'm not sure I could tbh.

Anyway, the name about fourth down was one I didn't recognise which caught my eye. It was a 'young' woman's name. Think something like 'Bethany'. Underneath, I caught the first (only?) word of the message 'Beautiful'.

I didn't say anything and our evening continued. We both left the room at various points and, later, when he picked up another message again, it had gone.

I've started to doubt myself since - did I imagine it? How would I even bring it up? If the 'Beautiful' comment had been under a name I recognised, tbh, I wouldn't have thought anything of it.

It's more that it's a younger woman's name and that I didn't recognise it. I know all his friends, he's very open about things so you can see why I think this is 'odd'.

What are the chances I imagined it (I read the name 3 or 4 times so I don't think I did)? What are the chances it's innocent?

If it was any other boyfriend, I'd have ended the relationship at this stage. I wouldn't even have had a conversation about it. I know that with no message, I can't prove it was there. He can't prove it was innocent because it no longer exists and I'd have said that to anyone else. But because of the impact on the band if we split up (I'd leave), I feel I need to he more certain.

Why don't you ask him and see what his response is?

The fact it was later deleted is the bit that would worry me

I wouldn't have given this a thought, to be honest. I would have assumed it was innocent given the fact that he is late 50s and you thought he was committed to you. The word 'Beautiful!' could apply to anything - I have a (male) friend who constantly WhatsApps me pictures of various chunks of metal because he's fixing a car. I glance at them and politely send 'Fabulous!' or 'Beautiful' back.

I couldn't really give a shit about his car, but he's obviously enthusiastic and he's a mate. Your partner is unlikely to be cheating on you with someone who sounds to be in her 20s - if only because she's pretty unlikely to be romantically interested in him. He might be commenting on her cat, her new car or her newly decorated hall. She might be his niece. Or former neighbour.

I'd simply ask him 'Who's Bethany?' I caught her name the other night if it's worrying you. But I think you sound paranoid about nothing much.

I'm going to have to ask him.

He's spending the week at mine and has just gone out for a couple of hours. I'll ask him later when he gets back.

Yes, it's the fact it's now gone that's bothered me the most too 😕

Hopefully there is an innocent explanation and from how you've described your relationship he shouldn't be too defensive with you asking

Good luck!

You do realise the woman with the young woman’s name could be any age.

You may associate it with younger women. But, for example, there’s been plenty of women that are older called Bethany.

There’s really no such thing as a younger woman’s name.

See, everything you've said there is what I've told myself already.

He's not someone who chases younger women or other women at all. He's shown nothing but complete loyalty to me. We went away at the weekend with his adult children. He gets on well with my children and we have plans coming up to introduce them all to each other.

He has a history of long term relationships and I know from what he and others have said that he liked me for a long time before we actually got together. He'd be a fool to risk it.

But people do...

Fair point! But it doesn't explain the 'Beautiful' comment. Nor that he only really messages the same people (it's always the same names on the screen and I know them all) and that it's a name I've never heard before. It's not someone he has ever mentioned. And we are really open about who we've met etc.

Or the fact its now gone.

I'd just ask him who Bethany is. I wouldn't mention the message at all until I saw his reaction to that question.

No it doesn’t address the fact that’s it gone.

But the comment of beautiful could have been in response to a photo of a dog. Or a car. Or some scenery.

my point is that there’s no point working yourself with assumptions that she is young and his comment was about her.

i am simply saying you are assuming alot here. Which might end with you winding yourself up and making a bit of a tit of yourself when you ask.

Though, in all honesty if he is seeing someone else I am not sure what her age would have to do with it or why you think that her being younger might be a sign he is hiding something.

I just know that he was talking to a younger woman at the bar before I joined him and his kids on this weekend away because he told me.

He is generally very open.

I suppose I have just assumed it is likely to be her.

It's the fact it's a name he has never mentioned and that the message has gone that has tingled my spider senses more than anything.

Has the message fully disappeared or moved down the line (too far down to see) if new people messaged him? The order of the messages does change in most recent order.

I was the 3rd message down when I saw it. He checked his messages earlier and I was still the 3rd one down. So not moved down the list.

I haven't messaged him since either because we've been together. The two groups above me are a group we are both in and a group of his friends who he's gone out with this evening.

Well, you either trust him or you don’t.

Look archived messages
does he have WhatsApp on another device? like they’re also where the message may still be

Well this is the crux of it. I do. I'd be stunned if he was doing anything but then I remember my exh cheated on me and there was no one less likely to than him! And all the threads on here by women who never had cause to doubt until they did.

I trust him to the extent that he told me about the conversation he'd had at the bar with this woman and she'd invited him to join her and her friends for a bit as he was on his own at that point. I wasn't bothered in the slightest. I don't actually know of he did join them. I didn't even think to ask because it didn't matter.

But trusting him and him not doing anything are two different things.

I really don't want to be someone who looks at phones though. I've always thought that once you need to do that, the relationship is over anyway. I've never looked at someone else's phone.

And, tbh, I wouldn't even know where to look for archived messages. I don't know where they'd be on my phone!

I'd ask him about the message disappearing. My DP would rather I ask things that are others going me then dream up stuff.

I don't know if he has it linked to other devices. And I wouldn't look anyway. I don't knownif he has other devices he could link it to!

Yes, I know he would too 😕

Sorry if it's already been suggested but could it be spam? I've had weird things sent to me on WhatsApp recently, which is strange because I never used to.

But yeah it sounds like you trust him the same way I trust my dp. But there's a difference between trust and being a fool. Just ask him.

I've had a couple of spam things that I've deleted there and then and he's had a couple but has mentioned it.

I couldn't see if the Beautiful comment was sent or received by him because the way his hand was positioned mean his thumb obscured my view of where the ticks would be and I can't remember whether the message was directly under the name or offset as it would have been had there been ticks.

I really hope this turns out to be some silly thing you'll be laughing with him about tomorrow..

Don't start thinking you imagined it.
You are trying to come up with an explanation for it that makes it all ok....

Maybe he has no reason to continue the chat so just deleted it.