What are the chances I imagined this and what would you do..?

[SpottyDress]

I've been with my boyfriend coming up for a year. He's late 50s and I'm mid 40s. We've known each other for a few years and we play in a band together.

We're both invested in the relationship. I don't have any doubts about that. We don't live together but he's shown that he is committed to me from day one really. I've glfeltnreaply safe and secure throughout in a way I never have done before.

And then last night...

We were sitting on the sofa watching TV and his phone went off. We were sitting really close together and, when he opened WhatsApp to read the message, I just glanced over and saw the list. I wasn't looking for anything, I've never had any reason to doubt him. The names on the list are always ones I recognise, he's not secretive with his phone - I know the pass code had have never felt cause or reason to look at it. I'm not sure I could tbh.

Anyway, the name about fourth down was one I didn't recognise which caught my eye. It was a 'young' woman's name. Think something like 'Bethany'. Underneath, I caught the first (only?) word of the message 'Beautiful'.

I didn't say anything and our evening continued. We both left the room at various points and, later, when he picked up another message again, it had gone.

I've started to doubt myself since - did I imagine it? How would I even bring it up? If the 'Beautiful' comment had been under a name I recognised, tbh, I wouldn't have thought anything of it.

It's more that it's a younger woman's name and that I didn't recognise it. I know all his friends, he's very open about things so you can see why I think this is 'odd'.

What are the chances I imagined it (I read the name 3 or 4 times so I don't think I did)? What are the chances it's innocent?

If it was any other boyfriend, I'd have ended the relationship at this stage. I wouldn't even have had a conversation about it. I know that with no message, I can't prove it was there. He can't prove it was innocent because it no longer exists and I'd have said that to anyone else. But because of the impact on the band if we split up (I'd leave), I feel I need to he more certain.

Am I right in saying that there have been 5 pages of angst based on someone saying the word 'Beautiful'?

The OP hasn't said her BF has done anything to warrant her being suspicious of him. Unless there's a major drip feed coming, they've been in a reasonably happy relationship for a year, and some woman has messaged him either the word 'Beautiful' or a sentence that begins with 'Beautiful'.

I mean, it could have been in response to a picture of a tree.

It could have been the start of an angry diatribe like 'Beautiful waste of my time, you jackass - I turned up at that bar and the band you said were playing aren't scheduled until next week. Last time I take you at your word!'

Assuming the OP hasn't anonymised and really does mean WhatsApp, then yes, names only show up where they're contacts. But that doesn't mean he deleted the message. She could have used the disappearing messages function. A couple of my male mates who are really paranoid about internet security have started doing that - you can see the last message before they turned on this function, but not the most recent ones.

(And the disappeared messages are not me having an affair with them, they're really mundane things like whinging about the PM or discussing a show on Netflix. They just like to use disappearing messages for everything they say now with everyone.)

I think the OP is being OTT, unless there are other signs that she's noticed and hasn't told us about. Sometimes female intuition is very smart, and picks up on lots of little niggles to get to the full picture. Sometimes we're just paranoid, based on experiences of past terrible relationships.

Only the OP can tell us whether she's right to be suspicious, or he genuinely hasn't done anything else to warrant this concern.

Trust yourself and your instinct. You saw something on his phone that bothered you. It perfectly fine to simply ask him about it and then make your decision about whether you believe it or not. He should not be bothered by talking about this if someone just send him a random message/this was not sent in a romantic context.

My feeling would be that he might be OLD behind your back and chatting up other women. You don't live together so it is easy for him to have another life that you know nothing about.

I would assume that by now you would know if he had a friend/colleague/family member by that name. The fact that the message ''disappeared'' also does not look good.

Don't torture yourself with uncertainty and just talk to him.

When I get a WhatsApp message from a non contact it does show their name when it pops up on my screen.

Then when I look at the message it's there number.

Weirdly in a thread with more than 1 person it shows their names /handles (with the number if they are not a contact).

So it could be as part of a chat with others hence seeing the name?

How did it go

Bizarre that deleting messages is automatically seen as supicious. I always delete messages, unless they contain information I need to refer to or appreciation I want to keep. Everything else goes. I see it as cleaning up after myself, it stops me from getting overwhelmed.

So a random message saying nothing much from a person I barely know would be deleted immediately. Apparently this proves that I am having an affair with them, says Mumsnet 🤣

OP says her partner doesn't ever usually do this though. So it's out of character.

OP says her partner doesn't ever usually do this though. So it's out of character.

That's not what we're saying.

Someone who is on the habit of deleting a message, deleting a message = not suspicious

Someone not in the habit of deleting messages, deleting one message when that message happens to be from a female saying "beautiful" = suspicious

Nobody has said deleting a message in isolation makes someone guilty, it's the Oder context and the change in the individuals normal behaviour patterns that has raised suspicion

That's not what we're saying.

Someone who is on the habit of deleting a message, deleting a message = not suspicious

Someone not in the habit of deleting messages, deleting one message when that message happens to be from a female saying "beautiful" = suspicious

Nobody has said deleting a message in isolation makes someone guilty, it's the Oder context and the change in the individuals normal behaviour patterns that has raised suspicion

Fingers crossed for you OP. Just reassure yourself that whatever happens you'll cope.

St0bb, wellhelloitsme

Even if one message is treated differently, I cannot envisage a healthy scenario where my partner would know that much about my usual messaging habits! After decades maybe, but a new beau? It seems like hyper-vigilance to me.

its not THAT young a womans name, Im mid 30s and had a Bethany in my class.

Is this relationship worth staying in when already a year in you are suspicious

Is it definitely nobody's surname that he knows (that you know of)? Is the name actually Bethany? Definitely not a place name, pub or band name? Could it be a group chat he's removed himself from, explaining why it's not there anymore? They are titled even if they aren't contacts. You've probably ruled out everything you can think of by today though I suppose.

My approach would be "Look Steve, I've been stewing on this all night but I didn't want to say anything yesterday because I was caught off guard and wasn't sure how to react. I saw your WhatsApp list and saw a Bethany, who is it?" And I'm sure you'll be able to see whether he's telling the truth or not. But it brings it out in the open without any drama at least!

If I get random spam type messages from people I don't know/hardly know, I delete them. If I get messages from friends, I tend not to delete them, at least until they get much older and aren't relevant any more. I tend to get substantially more messages from friends than random people, so by this logic, my behaviour in deleting them is "suspicious".

Unless OP's DP is in the habit of getting lots of messages from women (young or otherwise) that he doesn't really know, I'm not sure we're in a position to decide that deleting them is normal behaviour or not.

So much drama about a text message. It also seems impossible to me that he mentions everyone he knows to you, and mentions every time he gets spam or an odd text. I don't see how that could even be possible. I work with my DH but I'd have to be literally sitting beside him every minute of every day to keep him aware of every name I ever interact with, every message, every spam.

Your level of catastrophising is worrying. This was something that was easy to address by simply asking who is Bethany? It shouldn't be difficult to ask a DP a simple question and it's frankly bizarre that you assume you know every tiny detail of his life and interactions. There's obviously some deep-rooted issues that you need to address

And if someone ‘sat me down’ and behaved as if I were a misbehaving teenager mitching from school and they were the parent, it would be the kiss of death to any form of mutually-respectful adult relationship.

My recent message to a (male) friend was also “beautiful “ . In my case in reference to a picture he had sent me. I don’t see why that word has made you suspicious unless you already doubted his integrity? Why didn’t you just ask him at the time ?
You seen very worried about something which to me would seem inconsequential, so I wonder if you don’t really trust him .

Yes, that’s the oddest thing about this for me. I’ve been with my now DH for 30 years, and I have zero idea what, if any, WhatsApp messages he deletes, archives or keeps. And if I happened to be within view of his phone when a message came in, a message from an unfamiliar woman’s name wouldn’t cost me a second thought, even in a language I don’t speak. He knows loads of people I don’t and vice versa.

Was he calling the woman beautiful or a picture he sent her?

waves
I was starting to feel a bit weird.
You have my idea of a lovely relationship :)

If you pull her name up on what's app contacts on his phone, you'll be able to see a picture of her. You could also search her number on Facebook to see if her profile comes up. That should give you an idea of who the woman is. I would see what she looks like before questioning him so he can't lie to you about it. Hope there is a reasonable explanation. Also some spam I've had on my phone does automatically come up with a name on what's app.

It’s not his best friend though, it’s an unknown woman and a message that was deleted, so …. how is your best friend a relevant comparison?

Could it be a work colleague?

My approach would be "Look Steve, I've been stewing on this all night but I didn't want to say anything yesterday because I was caught off guard and wasn't sure how to react. I saw your WhatsApp list and saw a Bethany, who is it?" And I'm sure you'll be able to see whether he's telling the truth or not. But it brings it out in the open without any drama at least!

This ^ And any relationship i which you couldn’t ask that question, isn’t worth having