What are the chances I imagined this and what would you do..?

[SpottyDress]

I've been with my boyfriend coming up for a year. He's late 50s and I'm mid 40s. We've known each other for a few years and we play in a band together.

We're both invested in the relationship. I don't have any doubts about that. We don't live together but he's shown that he is committed to me from day one really. I've glfeltnreaply safe and secure throughout in a way I never have done before.

And then last night...

We were sitting on the sofa watching TV and his phone went off. We were sitting really close together and, when he opened WhatsApp to read the message, I just glanced over and saw the list. I wasn't looking for anything, I've never had any reason to doubt him. The names on the list are always ones I recognise, he's not secretive with his phone - I know the pass code had have never felt cause or reason to look at it. I'm not sure I could tbh.

Anyway, the name about fourth down was one I didn't recognise which caught my eye. It was a 'young' woman's name. Think something like 'Bethany'. Underneath, I caught the first (only?) word of the message 'Beautiful'.

I didn't say anything and our evening continued. We both left the room at various points and, later, when he picked up another message again, it had gone.

I've started to doubt myself since - did I imagine it? How would I even bring it up? If the 'Beautiful' comment had been under a name I recognised, tbh, I wouldn't have thought anything of it.

It's more that it's a younger woman's name and that I didn't recognise it. I know all his friends, he's very open about things so you can see why I think this is 'odd'.

What are the chances I imagined it (I read the name 3 or 4 times so I don't think I did)? What are the chances it's innocent?

If it was any other boyfriend, I'd have ended the relationship at this stage. I wouldn't even have had a conversation about it. I know that with no message, I can't prove it was there. He can't prove it was innocent because it no longer exists and I'd have said that to anyone else. But because of the impact on the band if we split up (I'd leave), I feel I need to he more certain.

How are you doing OP?

@SpottyDress hope you're doing ok

I wonder if @SpottyDress still looks at this thread ? If you do lovely ,keep going ,,keep your chin up .You sound such a kind ,thoughtful person your life will work out .
If he was being less than honest at least you've found out before things went further .

I wonder a bit if the OP and the man have had a chat and he's vetoed further MN discussion on the subject .

Keep strong lovely Spotty .

Spotty, what if you're both telling the truth? What if he is as convinced that he didn't see or delete the essage, as you are that he did? I know I can feel a bit peeved that someone hasn't emailed me when they said they would, then I discover I'd deleted their email by accident.

Also, you said you were watching telly. That's when it is particularly easy to do something (eg delete an unimportant message) automatically, without even noticing it. Then it genuinely doesn't register as a memory, and you really do believe it didn't happen.

Also, I have a nagging feeling about technological glitches. All sorts of weird things happen on computers, phones etc.

I don't want to make excuses for a cheat! I know it's a long shot, but I'd hate anyone to end a loving relationship because of a mistake.

I had a random text from “Ryan” today, and somehow this shows as a Chinese-sounding name in my contacts. I have no explanation for this.

This op keeps popping in my mind. Hope it worked out for you spotty

I’m so invested in this thread. What if ‘Bethany’ is a jeweller sending pictures of potential engagement rings and that’s why he flat out denied it?

@SpottyDress have you resolved this ?

@Diyextension thats not very helpful

Hope you’re ok OP ❤️

Hope you’re ok OP ❤️

That’s a really unnecessary post.

❤️‍🩹

Oh dear I read this hoping somehow for a happy outcome. Doesn't seem like it. So sorry.

Op look at his social media etc and see if there’s any Bethany’s on there… Facebook friends, Instagram etc. Might shed some light. I’d deffo go through his phone tbh! Good luck x

Yeah honestly these random spam messages come up with named on WhatsApp - not numbers. Depends if they have a name on their profile or not. Ive had quite a few (and they change their name and PP regularly - I’ve kept them in my archive) I do think there may still be innocence here tbh.

This is all so tenuous OP. You may well be nuking your relationship over nothing.

Do you have any history of self-destructing friendships/relationships?

I understand the not wanting to check his phone because even innocent conversations can be misconstrued and make people more paranoid.
it won’t be gone it will be in the archived messages and if u just ask then he may well just show u it to show u there was nothing in it.
I would tell him that I noticed it and you have never had any reason to doubt him but since seeing it it has been playing on ur mind. Relationships are about honesty and communication is so important. U will know by his reaction if it is innocent or not.

.

Ah this sounds so tough. But the gaslighting - he would rather try and make you think you're literally imagining things than admit the truth. That's what I'd struggle to get past. I hope he was honest with you and you've been able to work it out, OP.

A complete over reaction in my view.

I was cheated on loads by my ExH, and for a long time I was very damaged and found it very hard to trust my now DH.

I've accused him many times of wrong doing - worked my self in to a real froth - and I have been talking bollocks, EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

Thankfully, I'm not like this any more!

But honestly, in my view, you're working yourself up over nothing here.

You may have a good memory, many of us don't - mine is shockingly bad.

I think the more you talk about this, the more your suspicions turn into fact in your head. You say you have an amazing memory, but you went from not knowing if the message was sent or received by him to being absolutely sure that he wrote it.

On the 1st you said:

I couldn't see if the Beautiful comment was sent or received by him because the way his hand was positioned mean his thumb obscured my view of where the ticks would be and I can't remember whether the message was directly under the name or offset as it would have been had there been ticks.

But by the 7th, it had become:

He replied 'beautiful' to whatever he was sent.

You began by suspecting that he wrote it but you had no way of knowing. It then transformed into definitely being him who wrote it and dismissing other people's suggestions based on this new 'fact'.

When @peridito wrote: I don't know if this is relevant but the sender can delete a Whatsapp message that has been delivered but not opened .
So it would be possible for Bethany to send a message ,for it to be delivered and the first word/s of it seen by the OP and for it then to be deleted .By Bethany .

You replied with: It wasn't an unread message. He'd replied to whatever was sent to him. With 'beautiful'.

I wonder what other evidence you're dismissing because you've become certain of things that you shouldn't necessarily be so certain of. I'm not saying he's innocent or guilty, but be wary of working yourself up based on facts that aren't actually facts.

You may have a good memory, many of us don't - mine is shockingly bad.

People often think their memory is better than it is. If you read research into eye witness testimony people can be completely sure about something and be completely wrong. It’s very easy to convince yourself of something.

Maybe he has organised a personalised gift & the seller sent a photo.....