Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

What are the chances I imagined this and what would you do..?

411 replies

SpottyDress · 01/06/2022 19:09

I've been with my boyfriend coming up for a year. He's late 50s and I'm mid 40s. We've known each other for a few years and we play in a band together.

We're both invested in the relationship. I don't have any doubts about that. We don't live together but he's shown that he is committed to me from day one really. I've glfeltnreaply safe and secure throughout in a way I never have done before.

And then last night...

We were sitting on the sofa watching TV and his phone went off. We were sitting really close together and, when he opened WhatsApp to read the message, I just glanced over and saw the list. I wasn't looking for anything, I've never had any reason to doubt him. The names on the list are always ones I recognise, he's not secretive with his phone - I know the pass code had have never felt cause or reason to look at it. I'm not sure I could tbh.

Anyway, the name about fourth down was one I didn't recognise which caught my eye. It was a 'young' woman's name. Think something like 'Bethany'. Underneath, I caught the first (only?) word of the message 'Beautiful'.

I didn't say anything and our evening continued. We both left the room at various points and, later, when he picked up another message again, it had gone.

I've started to doubt myself since - did I imagine it? How would I even bring it up? If the 'Beautiful' comment had been under a name I recognised, tbh, I wouldn't have thought anything of it.

It's more that it's a younger woman's name and that I didn't recognise it. I know all his friends, he's very open about things so you can see why I think this is 'odd'.

What are the chances I imagined it (I read the name 3 or 4 times so I don't think I did)? What are the chances it's innocent?

If it was any other boyfriend, I'd have ended the relationship at this stage. I wouldn't even have had a conversation about it. I know that with no message, I can't prove it was there. He can't prove it was innocent because it no longer exists and I'd have said that to anyone else. But because of the impact on the band if we split up (I'd leave), I feel I need to he more certain.

OP posts:
Borrowmydoggy · 01/06/2022 23:36

Unpopular but I'd look in the phone - in contacts. She'll be saved in there to come up on WhatsApp.
If not there, you know he's done serious track covering.
If she is there, you can plan next steps.

But I will say, unfortunately spidey senses are never wrong IME. Sorry.

Threetulips · 01/06/2022 23:42

He could easily change her name to a male one - doesn’t prove it one way or another.

Tigertigertigertiger · 01/06/2022 23:48

@Borrowmydoggy “, unfortunately spidey senses are never wrong “

this is patently untrue.

Gettingthingsdone777 · 01/06/2022 23:53

Just wondering, why is it you’ve decided not to live together?

WTF475878237NC · 01/06/2022 23:53

Given he doesn't usually have much opportunity to meet women, and he met one at the weekend, I'd be extremely suspicious of deleting messages from a woman he's never mentioned before.

Hell0daisy · 02/06/2022 00:07

Hope the chat goes/went well tonight ❤️

DogWithMyOwnRoom · 02/06/2022 00:46

Borrowmydoggy · 01/06/2022 23:36

Unpopular but I'd look in the phone - in contacts. She'll be saved in there to come up on WhatsApp.
If not there, you know he's done serious track covering.
If she is there, you can plan next steps.

But I will say, unfortunately spidey senses are never wrong IME. Sorry.

I was coming on to say the same thing about checking his contacts list (as you said you know his passcode).

If not there, you know he's done serious track covering.
If she is there, you can plan next steps.

Then you ask him the question ‘who is Bethany’? It sounds like you generally have a good relationship so I don’t think playing games or being devious is necessary. If he doesn’t explain immediately just tell him you saw a WhatsApp on his screen. And then just shut up - wait for him to explain.

I do hope a conversation clears things up, don’t jump straight to distrusting him if you have no other reason to doubt him (eg/ could it possibly be someone he is contact with to arrange a gift or a surprise trip away for you?).
Something innocent like that would explain why he is deleting a message - that you might notice as he is not usually secretive about his phone - but he wouldn’t delete the name in his phone as he has a genuine and honest reason to be in contact.

Bottom line though is if the name is now gone from Contacts, or if it’s not but he denies knowing her then you know he is lying/gaslighting.

I do hope you turn out to be worrying about nothing… 🤞 x

Tiny2018 · 02/06/2022 01:12

This is absolutely not innocent, sorry OP xx

Tistheseason17 · 02/06/2022 01:44

If he's a drummer whose name starts with W - he's lying.

marvellousmaple · 02/06/2022 02:07

Why didn't you just ask at the time? And why are people constantly looking at their partners' phones?

PutinSmellsPassItOn · 02/06/2022 02:16

Given Bethany is an ancient biblical name I wouldn't necessarily ascribe it to somebody in their 20s......I know Bethanys of varying ages. One's 55 at least.

SuperJune · 02/06/2022 02:51

Hey OP, another one in the ask him camp - though it looks like you're already set on that.

I had a similar thing but not the same scenario. I'll tell the story as it worked out fine, in case it reassures you, but if it won't be helpful then just ignore the rest of my comment!

I was at an Xmas do with my DP. He works in a v male environment, quite 'laddy', and will go out and drink a fair bit. I know a few of his work friends who were also at the Xmas party. I was joking with them about one of their nights where my DP had come home particularly hammered and he said something about my DP acting some kind of way when he's drunk. The friend then looked sheepish and my spidey senses started tingling - was the friend alluding to my DP cheating, and had accidentally said too much to me? The next morning me and DP were on a walk and I outright asked him. I said, 'your friend X said this last night. It made me worried that you cheat on me on those nights with your colleagues. Is there anything for me to be worried about?'. He completely reassured me in a way I'm convinced was genuine and that put it to bed. I love and adore and trust him implicitly but I knew if I didn't ask it would hang over me. Equally I'm sure as PP have said my DP preferred me asking than being worried, and certainly didn't seem to be offended I had asked.

So, perhaps that's helpful that sometimes these things work out okay. Sending you strength as it's a really tricky thing to keep to yourself until you can ask your DP Flowers

Bunty55 · 02/06/2022 03:01

Just ask him. What do you have to lose?

Londondreams1 · 02/06/2022 03:26

I think it being a young woman's name (names are generational on the whole, yes there are exceptions, but mainly with male names - Arthur could be 85 or 5 but unlikely to be 30), plus the beautiful comment, plus the fact he hasn't mentioned who he'd communicating with even in passing as part of small talk, plus the fact you don't recognise the name... is all a bit suspect in my opinion

AndSoTonight · 02/06/2022 05:09

Just in the last few days I have received two unsolicited messages purportedly from young women on WhatsApp, both with names and photos. It wasn't until I read this thread that I even thought about it. At the time I just deleted them. So don't write him off just yet, could well be a stupid spam message.

Fadeout83 · 02/06/2022 05:25

As others have said, a simple “hey who’s Bethany? Don’t think you’ve mentioned her before and I noticed her name earlier”

Bournetilly · 02/06/2022 06:09

You’ve not imagined it if you read it multiple times to be certain so he must of deleted it. It definitely could of been an innocent message but if it was why would he delete it? I think it seems suspicious, you’ve probably asked him by now but if not definitely ask him or go through his phone.

BorderlineHappy · 02/06/2022 06:31

I think you should have asked him at the time.
And how do you know the message was deleted if you didn't look through his phone.

He's allowed to have people on his phone you don't know.
He doesn't have to explain every message and who they're from to you.

JarvisCockersRightEyebrow · 02/06/2022 06:38

How’d it go?

JangolinaPitt · 02/06/2022 06:45

What did he say?

JangolinaPitt · 02/06/2022 06:48

I saw a text message the other day on my bfs phone that said ‘lovely to see you yesterday -hope you made it to your early start today’ no mame -just a number do not in contacts. It has tortured me since snd I just wish I had asked at the time. (For context in my case he had no early start the next day, met up with me later that evening and and was with me all night..)

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 02/06/2022 06:48

I doubt he deleted it, he probably archived it which takes one swipe and means her messages won't pop up in the main inbox or show as notifications. He's hiding them from you because he likely archived them after realising they were visible to you when he opened his WhatsApp.
you need to ask him but be prepared to ask about his archived messages, don't let him tell you he deleted it.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 02/06/2022 06:51

My gay male friend calls me beautiful and gorgeous all the time. He isn't physically attracted to me at all. I'd have deleted those messages when I was married as my husband of the time would have been very shitty about it.
If you are partners why aren't you talking about this?

JangolinaPitt · 02/06/2022 06:51

In future I will always just ask at the time..I know that’s not much help to you now OP -sorry 😟

Justleaveitblankthen · 02/06/2022 07:17

As the OP has mentioned in the first post: 'Bethany' is just an example of the name type. It could just as easily be Meghan/Becca/Chloe etc
Thinking of you OP. Hope it goes well Flowers