What are the chances I imagined this and what would you do..?

[SpottyDress]

I've been with my boyfriend coming up for a year. He's late 50s and I'm mid 40s. We've known each other for a few years and we play in a band together.

We're both invested in the relationship. I don't have any doubts about that. We don't live together but he's shown that he is committed to me from day one really. I've glfeltnreaply safe and secure throughout in a way I never have done before.

And then last night...

We were sitting on the sofa watching TV and his phone went off. We were sitting really close together and, when he opened WhatsApp to read the message, I just glanced over and saw the list. I wasn't looking for anything, I've never had any reason to doubt him. The names on the list are always ones I recognise, he's not secretive with his phone - I know the pass code had have never felt cause or reason to look at it. I'm not sure I could tbh.

Anyway, the name about fourth down was one I didn't recognise which caught my eye. It was a 'young' woman's name. Think something like 'Bethany'. Underneath, I caught the first (only?) word of the message 'Beautiful'.

I didn't say anything and our evening continued. We both left the room at various points and, later, when he picked up another message again, it had gone.

I've started to doubt myself since - did I imagine it? How would I even bring it up? If the 'Beautiful' comment had been under a name I recognised, tbh, I wouldn't have thought anything of it.

It's more that it's a younger woman's name and that I didn't recognise it. I know all his friends, he's very open about things so you can see why I think this is 'odd'.

What are the chances I imagined it (I read the name 3 or 4 times so I don't think I did)? What are the chances it's innocent?

If it was any other boyfriend, I'd have ended the relationship at this stage. I wouldn't even have had a conversation about it. I know that with no message, I can't prove it was there. He can't prove it was innocent because it no longer exists and I'd have said that to anyone else. But because of the impact on the band if we split up (I'd leave), I feel I need to he more certain.

Thank you. So do I.

I'd be devastated if I had to end it. Not least because of the wider implications.

But I would do.

I think I'm going to have to ask him when he gets back.

He doesn't do that.

That's the thing, isn't it?

I am trying to circle a square in my head.

It wouldn't make sense for him to risk everything but then I'm not prone to wild imaginings. I've never imagined anything like this before, I didn't imagine the word 'beautiful' and I didn't imagine the name. I didn't imagine that it was later gone.

Ah fuck.

I’ve recently received random Wassap message from people I’ve never met, from foreign numbers. They obviously messaged the wrong person.
One of them was a USA number I think…

I just deleted the number and blocked it. This has happened to me twice in 3 months…

And he has the font size increased on his screen so there's actually very little to misread.

I did think, for a second, that I didn't have glasses on but that only makes my vision a bit blurry. It doesn't invent words and messages. I could read everything just not sharply.

It definitely happened. I guess I have to mention it later and take it from there.

It's going to mess everything up though. I'd have to leave the band. I love him. I couldn't stay.

This message had a name. It wasn't a random number as all my spam messages have been.

If it had been spam, he'd have said something about it. He has done before. We traced a random contact to a hairdressers in a different country.

And spam would be such a convenient reason too though. And now it's gone, how would I ever know?

Thing is, if he's generally open with his phone etc, and knows you seem him messaging people etc, doesn't it seem unlikely he'd be conducting some type of affair through WhatsApp?
Or am I being wildly naive?

It does.

I don't think this is an affair as such. I think it's currently contact he is keeping hidden from me with a woman he is keeping secret from me.

I have a pretty low tolerance for crappy behaviour. I won't need it to get to full blown affair stage to end it. Once the trust has been damaged, there's no point as fair as I'm concerned. I don't want to live a life of doubt and uncertainty.

But this is difficult for me to process because of what is at stake. I was briefly married many years ago yet this is the first man I've ever felt safe, secure and completely myself with. The first time I've ever been able to imagine spending the rest of my life with someone.

Well done you for having the confidence to know you wouldn't accept any form of broken trust. Too many women put up with misery because they're too scared to end it.

This situation must be awful for you. I trust my dp more than anyone before, so I can't imagine how hard it would be to come to terms with that trust being broken. I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm so so hopeful that it turns out to be absolutely nothing. Please update us if you feel up to it💐

Sorry you are going through this but others have said it could be innocent. Male work colleagues send me pictures of cats/gardens etc often related to some nonsense we've talked about in the day. My DP wouldn't necessarily know their names as I don't talk about them. However if he said 'why did WhatsApp' beautiful' to Roger?' I would just show him the picture/whatever I was responding to. It wouldn't be a big deal to ask however we have been together a long time. Hopefully you'll get the answers you want from him

Thank you.

I do have to say though, I'm struggling to see how it could be innocent and, as its been deleted, I'm also struggling to see how it will be resolved.

How do I imagine the conversation going?

Who's Bethany?

Bethany? I don't know anyone called Bethany.

At which point I tell him I saw.

At which point he gives an explanation - do I believe?

Or denies it - at which point I ask him to go home.

Although, he already thinks I saw which is why he deleted it. Perhaps there have been other messages and he always deletes 🤷🏻‍♀️

I will update. Because I'll either be relieved or devastated and need a shoulder to cry on.

Good luck op

Just say to him, what did Bethany want? Then don't say another word until he has answered.

Thank you.

That's the thing though, he doesn't meet new women. He works in an all male environment. 90% of his fb contacts are men and the women are all women he went to school with and he's known for years, mutual friends and the like. He really only messages the same half a dozen or so people/groups - similar to me really.

It's unusual for him to have a message thread with someone I've never heard of before because the circumstances for that to arise would be unusual as much as anything.

I wish I'd thought of that at the time!

It feels that that would be more confrontational, or passive aggressive maybe, than just asking who she is 24 hours later though 😕

Sorry OP, I'm going against the general consensus of posters here. You obviously didn't imagine it, you are clear that you saw a message from a woman and the word beautiful. You know that the message has since been deleted or archived. It's more likely to be how it sounds rather than him being spammed/deleting what he thinks is a banal conversation. Others might disagree, but I would look through his phone. It might be seen as immoral by some but I would want to exercise self-preservation rather than potentially waste any portion of my life. If he is sending messages like that to other women he's hardly going to admit to it, and I don't think his answer will offer you any reassurance because you know this too.

I think because you’re so set on it being a ‘young’ persons name I think you are being paranoid.

Our eyes can play tricks on us.

Many men delete messages of those they’re cheating with but he didn’t.
Why would he leave it on there and then delete it later on?

He could be a cheat but I think accusing him with no real proof is going to ruin your relationship.

I don’t usually agree with going through partner’s phones but in this instance I do think you need to do more digging before accusing him.

Could someone else have added her to the group and she was commenting on something else and her comment had been pushed off the screen by the next time?

Sorry, I’m a complete luddite - don’t know how whatsapp works.

You were sitting close/next to him when it appeared – how did he react when he opened/read it? Twitchy? Tensed up? Closed the message quickly?

I'm afraid that exactly where I am.

It's nice reading messages that say there will hopefully be an innocent explanation but I'm also big enough, old enough and ugly enough to know that if it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck...

I can't imagine what possible innocent explanation there would be. And, let's face it, if I thought it were innocent, I wouldn't have posted...

I'm just gutted though. Absolutely gutted. I'm not even upset at the moment. I'm just in a calm, stunned silence.

The worst thing is that I know where he's gone this evening, I know who with and I know what to do. He didn't shower before he left. And yet there is still a doubt in my mind now that he's gone where he said he is (I know he is there really, but is he..?). And that's what I don't want to live with. He might as well tell me the truth because I feel like I'm just waiting for the 'fat lady to sing' at the moment and unless he can call up the message with proof it was his daughter's friend showing him her new cat...

He's back.

I'm not set on it. It made sense to me but it doesn't really matter. It being a young woman's name could just as likely make it a friend of his daughter's.

Good luck OP! Get it done and then you know either way.

This doesn't look good OP, sorry.

The message PP suggested about asking him what Bethany wanted is a good one, you can still do this even though it's 24 hours later.

By asking that question, it states that you KNOW there is a Bethany, and if it's anything other than innocent, he WILL be thrown by it, as he won't know how you know, what you know or his much you know. You'll know by his body language and mannerisms whether he's trying to minimise things.

Don't ask who's Bethany, as it will give him an easy way to deny her, or claim he has no idea.

Do you really think that it's more likely that the OP's eyes just played tricks on her out of the blue, rather than that her DP had a suspicious message on his phone from a woman which has since been deleted? Really?

I don't think it's evidence he's cheating. I have male friends I WhatsApp all the time. We often exchange photos - could be of food, scenery, a cute animal etc. We often respond with "beautiful". I think you just need to be honest. Say what you saw, say you're uncomfortable with the fact it was deleted and ask for an explanation. Can you tell if he's lying? I can tell immediately if my DH lies.