What are the chances I imagined this and what would you do..?

[SpottyDress]

I've been with my boyfriend coming up for a year. He's late 50s and I'm mid 40s. We've known each other for a few years and we play in a band together.

We're both invested in the relationship. I don't have any doubts about that. We don't live together but he's shown that he is committed to me from day one really. I've glfeltnreaply safe and secure throughout in a way I never have done before.

And then last night...

We were sitting on the sofa watching TV and his phone went off. We were sitting really close together and, when he opened WhatsApp to read the message, I just glanced over and saw the list. I wasn't looking for anything, I've never had any reason to doubt him. The names on the list are always ones I recognise, he's not secretive with his phone - I know the pass code had have never felt cause or reason to look at it. I'm not sure I could tbh.

Anyway, the name about fourth down was one I didn't recognise which caught my eye. It was a 'young' woman's name. Think something like 'Bethany'. Underneath, I caught the first (only?) word of the message 'Beautiful'.

I didn't say anything and our evening continued. We both left the room at various points and, later, when he picked up another message again, it had gone.

I've started to doubt myself since - did I imagine it? How would I even bring it up? If the 'Beautiful' comment had been under a name I recognised, tbh, I wouldn't have thought anything of it.

It's more that it's a younger woman's name and that I didn't recognise it. I know all his friends, he's very open about things so you can see why I think this is 'odd'.

What are the chances I imagined it (I read the name 3 or 4 times so I don't think I did)? What are the chances it's innocent?

If it was any other boyfriend, I'd have ended the relationship at this stage. I wouldn't even have had a conversation about it. I know that with no message, I can't prove it was there. He can't prove it was innocent because it no longer exists and I'd have said that to anyone else. But because of the impact on the band if we split up (I'd leave), I feel I need to he more certain.

I saw this thread yesterday but didn’t have a chance to post. I was wondering if you knew all his family OP.? Im 51 and have cousins in their 20’s and 30’s ( one indeed called Bethany). I also have a nephew and niece in their 20’s. My real thought though was whether he had a child he hadn’t told you about. My friend discovered he had a son that was born from a casual relationship before he met his wife. At the moment his other children don’t know about him. I was friends with him for about 2 or 3 years before he told me. Apologies if the whole thing has moved on from your initial post.

Why do you think Bethany is a “young woman’s name”? It’s a biblical name that’s been relatively popular since the 1960s/70s so older women have this name too. Girls were called this before these decades too. “Beautiful” could be a comment about anything - a pretty picture of a landscape, animal, child etc. Has the chat actually been deleted or has the chat just moved further down as he’s received new messages?

Do you have any reason not to trust him? Once you look at his phone, the trust is gone and the relationship with it.

Surely he wouldn’t be so open with his phone if he had anything to hide.
“Beautiful” could be a response to many things.
Could he have been organising a gift for you he doesn’t want you to know about? Random example but I ordered a cake for DP, all communication via WhatsApp, the persons number wasn’t saved on my phone but the name they’d registered on WhatsApp came up, when they sent a photo of what they’d made my reply was probably something along the lines of “beautiful” or “you’re amazing” and I would’ve deleted any evidence off my phone because it was a surprise and I was worried the surprise would be ruined. DP didn’t see any of the messages but if he had then perhaps he’d be feeling the same as you are now, however it was totally innocent.

You should still ask him. It will only eat away at you. And don’t accept a non answer.

I’m sick of women being chastised with the old ‘well you either trust him or you don’t’ trope. Women are manipulated into trust all the time, and men who are cheaters are often masterful at manipulation. Your own feelings of trust should never be used against you when something dodgy AF arises.

I suggest you are mindful about how you ask, 'who's Bethany?', and take care not to be accusatory. It's easy for something, which most likely is nothing, to descend into a nightmare and for trust to be lost.

The actual name in question isn't actually "Bethany".

Agreed. I think the relationship is in trouble whatever happens. As soon as she asks him, he will think she is accusing him of cheating, and trust is forever gone. If she doesn't ask him, then she will be forever wondering if he is cheating. No win situation.

Sorry, didn't read it of it but could 'Bethany' be a cat?

I have several accounts set up in the name of my cats, some of which on instagram are proving more popular than myself!

Bella is always getting comments like 'gorgeous,' and 'stunning,' whereas Chloe often just gets, 'cute' and 'pretty'.

Of course, they don't have the type of following that Sigrid has, but then again I don't spend all day parading her up and down on a bicycle, although I have thought of getting a secondhand pram...

I think you have to be proportionate here. One questionable text message in the context of a relationship where there have been no trust issues or doubts at all and no change in behaviour or mood which might indicate that something untoward is going on. Even the text message is potentially meaningless. If it had said ‘Good night beautiful’ then that would be different but it could be a comment on anything at all.

I really hope everything is ok and works out well for you but be careful not to let one text message lead you down a rabbit hole of suspicion and mistrust. By all means be aware of ‘signs’ that all is not well but this is someone with no track record of cheating or lying to you which makes a difference.

Wishing you well.

Why are people dramatising asking questions of your partner and having honest and open communication with ‘once you accuse them the trust is forever gone’. This simply isn’t true and isn’t how relationships should operate. Marriage and long-term partnerships are a long road, life and modern technology are messy, and situations can be misread. You should be able to ask your spouse something that is bothering you and they should be able to empathise with your concerns and address them.

My DH asked questions of me once (a situation which was innocent but could have been misread). I listened to his concerns and I reassured him. That’s what makes trust rock solid, not pussyfooting around the big stuff that comes up throughout your life.

Did you speak to him?

Why would he be exchanging WhatsApp messages with a cat?

Perhaps he was feline conversational.

Do you cats type you messages on WhatsApp?

These are private messages on WhatsApp, not comments on Instagram. I highly doubt the explanation for all this is OPs boyf WhatsApping a cat called 'Bethany' to tell her she's beautiful 😅

Seriously though OP, there could be a number of legitimate explanations, not all of which have to be sinister, so I would just be upfront otherwise it'll eat you up. Don't do anything 'sneaky' as has been suggested on here (e.g. pretending to receive a message from 'Bethany') - firstly it won't get you anywhere and secondly it's just weird.

FWIW I think (and hope) that this is probably completely innocent. Beautiful is a word often used to describe things - babies, animals, landscapes, cars, food (I could go on)... So I would stop worrying and just ask your partner. If he's a good person I'm sure he would rather you asked him about it than let it fester.

I have a business email address that keeps receiving 'intimate photos as you requested' in my inbox, with 'young women' names. I delete them when they come in and don't bother telling my husband each time - although I might mention it in passing occasionally. Could the message you saw have been spam 'beautiful girls' type of stuff? So boring that it's not really worth mentioning? Just straight to the trash?

It's a WhatsApp message! The only way you can have a name attached to a WhatsApp message is if you've save the number as a contact in your phone!

Totally agree. In a healthy relationship, partners should be able to discuss their worries and concerns without fear of it automatically ending the relationship.

“These are private messages on WhatsApp, not comments on Instagram. I highly doubt the explanation for all this is OPs boyf WhatsApping a cat called 'Bethany' to tell her she's beautiful”

Okay so I agree this is far fetched but can we please explore this hypothesis a bit more?

You say he's open, but people are still allowed to have judgement on what they share. Maybe he doesn't want to bore you senseless. Maybe Bethany is a godchild who he never sees, or his ex-neighbour's dd who sends him pictures of her artwork. He says "Beautiful" and then deletes so as not to clog up his phone. I delete pics on Whatsapp for that reason. IDK, but you are way over-thinking this.

It's a WhatsApp message! The only way you can have a name attached to a WhatsApp message is if you've save the number as a contact in your phone!

This used to be the case but I've had 2 in the last month with a photo of a young girl and Eastern European names. I'm 100% confident neither of these are saved in my phone.

I actually showed my bf and said "imagine the arguments this could cause if they sent this to a guy and his wife saw it"

Dodgy as f*

it happened to me. My dh who I trusted implicitly 100%, the one person genuinely devoted to me and his family, last person on earth to ever look at someone else, …. did just that. He explained away everything, very convincingly, made everything look very innocent and truthful.

Trust your instincts. There’s a reason he since deleted it.

Decide what YOU want to do and follow that. You can make it work again in time IF that’s what you want. Or you can call it a day. It has to be what you want though, no one else.

He may have deleted the message but he clearly has a contact saved as Bethany. I'd be cooly and calmly sitting him down with his phone and telling him to open his phone and take me to the contact Bethany so you can see the call logs. If he's not able to do that I would be absolutely crystal clear that lying to you and obscuring reality is gaslighting, a form of abuse. I'd look him dead in the eye and make sure he knows he has ONE chance to be transparent and tell the truth or you're out of there.

I might be able to get past silly flirtations (maybe) but I couldn't get past lying.

Hope things got sorted OP. I'd assume in a solid relationship your partner would be happy to discuss your worries without feeling defensive over it. Fingers crossed it's discussed amicably. Whatever the outcome, you seem like a strong lady. You'll be alright 💛 really hope it's innocent though.

Hope you got to the bottom of it @SpottyDress