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Original poster

What are the chances I imagined this and what would you do..?

411 replies

SpottyDress · 01/06/2022 19:09

I've been with my boyfriend coming up for a year. He's late 50s and I'm mid 40s. We've known each other for a few years and we play in a band together.

We're both invested in the relationship. I don't have any doubts about that. We don't live together but he's shown that he is committed to me from day one really. I've glfeltnreaply safe and secure throughout in a way I never have done before.

And then last night...

We were sitting on the sofa watching TV and his phone went off. We were sitting really close together and, when he opened WhatsApp to read the message, I just glanced over and saw the list. I wasn't looking for anything, I've never had any reason to doubt him. The names on the list are always ones I recognise, he's not secretive with his phone - I know the pass code had have never felt cause or reason to look at it. I'm not sure I could tbh.

Anyway, the name about fourth down was one I didn't recognise which caught my eye. It was a 'young' woman's name. Think something like 'Bethany'. Underneath, I caught the first (only?) word of the message 'Beautiful'.

I didn't say anything and our evening continued. We both left the room at various points and, later, when he picked up another message again, it had gone.

I've started to doubt myself since - did I imagine it? How would I even bring it up? If the 'Beautiful' comment had been under a name I recognised, tbh, I wouldn't have thought anything of it.

It's more that it's a younger woman's name and that I didn't recognise it. I know all his friends, he's very open about things so you can see why I think this is 'odd'.

What are the chances I imagined it (I read the name 3 or 4 times so I don't think I did)? What are the chances it's innocent?

If it was any other boyfriend, I'd have ended the relationship at this stage. I wouldn't even have had a conversation about it. I know that with no message, I can't prove it was there. He can't prove it was innocent because it no longer exists and I'd have said that to anyone else. But because of the impact on the band if we split up (I'd leave), I feel I need to he more certain.

OP posts:
Original poster
SpottyDress · 01/06/2022 22:02

Starseeking · 01/06/2022 21:55

This doesn't look good OP, sorry.

The message PP suggested about asking him what Bethany wanted is a good one, you can still do this even though it's 24 hours later.

By asking that question, it states that you KNOW there is a Bethany, and if it's anything other than innocent, he WILL be thrown by it, as he won't know how you know, what you know or his much you know. You'll know by his body language and mannerisms whether he's trying to minimise things.

Don't ask who's Bethany, as it will give him an easy way to deny her, or claim he has no idea.

I get your point, but I still think he can just reply with a "Bethany?" and a blank expression? He could still deny it.

And he will know I know nothing.

OP posts:
Original poster
SpottyDress · 01/06/2022 22:02

And I know it doesn't look good 😕

Fucking hell 😕

OP posts:
Original poster
SpottyDress · 01/06/2022 22:03

SallyWD · 01/06/2022 22:00

I don't think it's evidence he's cheating. I have male friends I WhatsApp all the time. We often exchange photos - could be of food, scenery, a cute animal etc. We often respond with "beautiful". I think you just need to be honest. Say what you saw, say you're uncomfortable with the fact it was deleted and ask for an explanation. Can you tell if he's lying? I can tell immediately if my DH lies.

Yes, but this isn't a friend...

OP posts:
Original poster
SpottyDress · 01/06/2022 22:05

He also has female friends he WhatsApp often as I have male friends I message and meet up with.

I can think of only one reason I'd be hiding messages I'd sent to/received from a person I was keeping secret though...

This is different...

OP posts:
Starseeking · 01/06/2022 22:05

He could deny it, however all that does is force you into having an even more difficult conversation where you say yes Bethany, you know the message you deleted yesterday.

If he continues denying it, then he's gaslighting you, and the relationship is over anyway.

OrlandointheWilderness · 01/06/2022 22:08

Just speak to him. Trust yourself, but worth checking of course.

redheadmary · 01/06/2022 22:11

F

Original poster
SpottyDress · 01/06/2022 22:12

Starseeking · 01/06/2022 22:05

He could deny it, however all that does is force you into having an even more difficult conversation where you say yes Bethany, you know the message you deleted yesterday.

If he continues denying it, then he's gaslighting you, and the relationship is over anyway.

If he denies any knowledge of her, I'll end it. That would actually be the easiest because I know I saw it.

It's any convoluted explanations that would be harder.

If it does turn put to be the woman he met at the weekend, we'll that's a conversation about why he didn't tell.me, why he'd kept in touch, who was saying what was beautiful and why etc and then I'll have to play it by ear.

OP posts:
HellyR · 01/06/2022 22:13

I've had plenty of messages saying 'beautiful' and today's was about a picture of some scenery, yesterday's was about my baby nephew, and another one about a cake a friend made. I wouldn't put too much stock on that word being used.

Is it definitely gone? If you're on any Whatsapp groups together with your DP could you ask to see how a message in that group appears on his phone, for example, to get a closer look at his recent messages?

Rodion · 01/06/2022 22:29

Your plan is good. Just be aware that he may be anticipating you questioning him as he already thought you saw the message. On that basis don't lead into it, catch him off guard as best you can in the hopes of the most authentic response.

CHiSOCG · 01/06/2022 22:35

I’d just ask and explain not in an accusatory way just to know.

ticktickticktickBOOM · 01/06/2022 22:42

This is really sneaky but I would send myself a message so he heard it 'ping', then look at my phone and say in a puzzled expression : 'Bethany? Who the hells Bethany'???'. And wait and see his reaction. If no obvious reaction just say, must be a wrong number, wonder where they got my number from'. If it's nothing, all is fine. If you've rumbled him, he'll be shitting himself and he'll be trying to ask you what the message said etc and will appear overly concerned.
Say you've "deleted it and cant really remember as it didnt make much sense, if it was important she'll text me again ".
If he seems anxious or sneaks off to text or make a call - it's a sad sign you've caught him out. If it's totally innocent, he won't bat an eyelid at you recieving a text from a wrong number called Bethany

Manxiety · 01/06/2022 22:51

If he deletes WhatsApp then reinstalls it will reinstate the deleted messages OP. If he wants to confirm nothing is going on he can do this & show you. If it's archived then there's that word at the top of the message/chats list. It's just a folder where messages go to contacts in there. Easy to look at that. Just tap Archived.

Onwards22 · 01/06/2022 22:51

If he denies any knowledge of her, I'll end it. That would actually be the easiest because I know I saw it.

If you’re 100% sure you saw it and it wasn’t spam or anything then you definitely need to just ask him outright.

PizzaPatel · 01/06/2022 22:53

@ticktickticktickBOOM this is GENIUS

crochetmonkey74 · 01/06/2022 22:56

Good luck OP you have a great plan. I know this feeling well and it's so awful xx

meowzeer · 01/06/2022 23:05

Hope you find out the truth op. Good luck x

iateallthepies22 · 01/06/2022 23:07

You sound very level headed op. I'm sure you'll do the right thing. I hope it turns out to be innocent and you can move on from it happily.

glamosaurus · 01/06/2022 23:11

Is there a reason you're mistrustful of him? It's only been a year in so you should be barely out of the honeymoon stage. I don't know how you know all his contacts on his phone to know that this is a new one?

I think you don't trust him and that's fair enough, so go with your gut feeling.

But don't take the ridiculous advice about receiving fake messages from "Bethany" that's just silly.

WhimsicalGubbins · 01/06/2022 23:17

If it was me, I’d just come right out and ask him. I do agree with others that you haven’t been given any reason not to trust him-but we’re absolutely our own worst enemy. You build it up in your head and then start imagining all kinds of scenarios, before long you’ve convinced yourself 100% that he’s having some torrid affair with a nubile, flexible 22 year old with daddy issues 😂

I’m a very confrontational person though, so I literally would just come straight out with “who’s Bethany, I’ve never hard you talk about her” and my next question would be “why did you delete a message that said ‘beautiful’”

But again, I’m confrontational, so don’t take advice from me

MadeForThis · 01/06/2022 23:19

You will hopefully be able to tell by his response if he has done something wrong. Although if he deleted the messages he might have an answer prepared.

Sswhinesthebest · 01/06/2022 23:22

Good luck op, fingers crossed for you.

EasterIssland · 01/06/2022 23:24

Good luck. Op

LittleMissMe99 · 01/06/2022 23:25

I think you need to just ask him outright. I hope all goes well op

Attwoodsladyfriend · 01/06/2022 23:30

Crikey just ask him!