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Original poster

Would you give up having kids for a partner?

240 replies

Hidehiho · 31/05/2022 21:11

My BF has 2 grown up kids. Doesn’t want anymore. I have none. He doesn’t want to split up but obviously would rather split up than have another child. What would you do? Does this mean he doesn’t love me enough?

OP posts:
AlmondyCookie · 31/05/2022 21:13

No. It means you are not compatible.
I desperately wanted to children so the answer is easy for me. Break up and move on.

Ohrwurm · 31/05/2022 21:14

None of you are wrong. But this relationship is unlikely to work without causing resentment in the future. You can't compromise on children.
If it were me, I'd leave as I really wanted children.

ghostbusters · 31/05/2022 21:14

I think if I felt strongly enough to not want more kids then I would break up with a partner. Sometimes you have to give a relationship a try to see if it's going anywhere, but I'd have to bail if it was getting serious and if there was talk of one of party feeling strongly for/against more kids.

Subaru4336 · 31/05/2022 21:15

It doesn't mean he doesn't love you enough, but if he already has two grown up children, he's fully aware of what children entail, and making an informed decision about no more.

If children are a big priority for you, it sounds like you need to walk away from him, however heartbreaking that might be right now.

AnneLovesGilbert · 31/05/2022 21:20

No one should have children they don’t want for someone else, how shit is that for the kids? It’s no measure of love. It’s about where you’re both at in your lives - different places. That’s sad if you’re otherwise good together but it doesn’t reflect badly on either of you.

Walk away and go get someone who shares your dreams. It’s probably not a man with grown up kids.

Original poster
Hidehiho · 31/05/2022 21:23

Thank you. maybe it is just incompatibility. But I can’t help feel hurt he won’t even consider it. It would be different if I had one and he had his two. I would have accepted not having anymore. But he’s asking me to be childless if we stayed together.

OP posts:
FetchezLaVache · 31/05/2022 21:26

I think it actually means he loves and cares for you very much, because he's not stringing you along as so many man unfortunately do. As for your question, there is no way I would give up my chance of having children for a man.

HollowTalk · 31/05/2022 21:26

No, he wouldn't have been childless himself by choice, would he? Move on- you'll be much happier.

limitededitionbarbie · 31/05/2022 21:28

No.

Aquamarine1029 · 31/05/2022 21:29

Hidehiho · 31/05/2022 21:23

Thank you. maybe it is just incompatibility. But I can’t help feel hurt he won’t even consider it. It would be different if I had one and he had his two. I would have accepted not having anymore. But he’s asking me to be childless if we stayed together.

Why should he consider it? He already has children, he knows what they entail, and he knows he doesn't want anymore. He's not asking you to be anything, he's simply telling you that if you want children, you won't be having them with him.

seaUrchinOne · 31/05/2022 21:29

I wouldn't of done

Ragwort · 31/05/2022 21:30

He's perfectly entitled not to want more DC ... and you are perfectly entitled to walk away if you are not compatible. Would you really want to have a DC with a man who 'begrudgingly' gave in to your desire for a DC just to keep you happy rather than actively wanting to have a third DC?

limitededitionbarbie · 31/05/2022 21:31

No if you want children you will only end up resenting him in what could have been.

I never wanted children till my mid thirties. The it was like a switch had been flicked.

My ex was a good guy till we had my daughter. Then I was on my own. Still wouldn't change anything.

ScrumptiusBears · 31/05/2022 21:31

No and I didn't. I split up with him because he had two and didn't want more. I had none. He changed his mind when I ended it but I knew he did that for the wrong reasons.

Original poster
Hidehiho · 31/05/2022 21:32

I said to him imagine his life now without his two. That’s what he’s asking of me. I think if we both didn’t have any kids it would be a bit different as I wouldn’t resent him having something he was denying me. I know it’s over essentially but It’s the whole trying to meet someone again, and someone who wants kids. Also trying to meet someone else when I still love someone else. 😞

OP posts:
Overthewine · 31/05/2022 21:34

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Original poster
Hidehiho · 31/05/2022 21:34

@ScrumptiusBears did you get back together or did you go on to have kids with someone else. @Aquamarine1029 Consider it like I’m considering his stance and whether I might give it up for me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hidehiho · 31/05/2022 21:36

*for him

OP posts:
HousePlantLandlord · 31/05/2022 21:38

No. I broke up with my decade long partner for the same reason. The relationship was great but I want a child/children. He wouldn’t have been enough to fill the void.

I’m currently TTC with my partner and grateful for my past decision & not leaving it too late.

Happinessinred · 31/05/2022 21:41

How much do you want children OP? You may never meet someone new to do that with - would you prefer to be in your relationship, or have a child? Can you do the former without resenting your DP?

have you tried speaking to a councillor to delve into your own feelings in an unbiased way?

Original poster
Hidehiho · 31/05/2022 21:42

@HousePlantLandlord did you remain friendly with the guy who didn’t want kids? And how long did you give yourself before meeting someone new? I would need to give myself time to get over him and I don’t know how long that may take 😞

OP posts:
Starseeking · 31/05/2022 21:42

If you want children, you need to leave him, and find someone who wants to go through parenting together with you ❤️❤️❤️

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 31/05/2022 21:43

No I wouldn’t give up having kids for a partner. I would move on a d try to find another partner.

as someone with 2 kids myself, I wouldn’t want more either. Even if with a new partner.

neither of you are wrong here, you just have different wants for the future.

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 31/05/2022 21:44

How old are you op?
I think this is the one thing you can't really compromise on sadly.

fossilsmorefossils · 31/05/2022 21:44

The love for my child is endlessly bigger than the love I ever had for any man. I'd go without men for the rest of my life if it meant having my dd.

Don't give up your wish for a man. It's not worth it.