Would you give up having kids for a partner?

[Hidehiho]

My BF has 2 grown up kids. Doesn’t want anymore. I have none. He doesn’t want to split up but obviously would rather split up than have another child. What would you do? Does this mean he doesn’t love me enough?

@Hidehiho like people say, give yourself a bit of time to make peace with the decision. The worst thing you can do is try to race into a new relationship as this could put huge pressure on the person meets next. When I made this same decision, I found myself a new life challenge (which was buying my own home) and I exploded what options there were for having a child on my own. All of this helped take the pressure off my shoulders and gave me options.
If it helps, I know a few people who divorced in their late 30s and went on to remarry and have children. Likewise I know some incredible women who went on to have children on their own. There are other avenues but for now try to give yourself a break and be kind to yourself. Life will work out.

I can only imagine the pain OP.

But taking time will be wise.

Wishing you the best.

@CornishMade1 thank you. my plan is to now get myself a home, and in a few weeks when the dust has settled I will book myself in for a fertility check. Then I will know if I should go straight to looking into doing it alone or allow a year or 2 to meet someone. I will miss him so much but when I looked into the future I know I could not have lived a life with his kids plus grand children etc and not feel some resentment. If I don’t end up having kids I’m going to surround myself with animals and live an idyllic life in the countryside 😅

@billy1966 thank you. Heartache is the worst but we’ve all been there and time is a healer.

You are an incredible woman @Hidehiho Your strength and resilience and dignity just shine through.

I hope you get every single thing you wish for.

@SunnyLobelia that made me cry! But thank you! 🤞

I would have done but I'm not sure it would have ended well. Thankfully I didn't have to in the end.

You would have to be very, very sure he was The One.

@Hidehiho I can imagine how you are feeling right now and it’s so hard. I’ve been there and understand completely. But, tomorrow you wake up with new possibility. You don’t want to live a life never having had the chance to try. Focus on that possibility - One step at a time.
As an aside, i don’t know this is helpful but I found my late 30s so challenging emotionally as I felt consumed by the panic of needing to have a child which obviously was made even worse going through a very similar situation to yours. I think looking back that it was definitely accentuated by a mix of hormones and societal pressure. So definitely be kind to yourself and treat yourself lots!

Couldn't agree more @SunnyLobelia

@CornishMade1 did you meet anyone else in between your partner coming back to you after you had left?

@Hidehiho I did go on a few dates but nothing serious. I consciously decided to give myself a real break. I was in a similar situation that I had to find somewhere new to live so that took up a lot of my headspace.

A friend desperately wanted children but her husband didn't. She stayed with him and didn't have any.

Years later her husband left her for a younger woman who he ended up having kids with.

My friend was then too old to have kids.

She was devastated.

Don't put your partner first. Do what's right for you!

Out of interest what made you so set on not having anymore after your 2nd? Or with a new partner after your 3rd and divorce? Were you just done bringing up kids?

@Hidehiho , I am middle - aged and my oldest children are now adults. I know several men my age who've gone into relationships with younger women and this issue has come up, and it's just incompatibility. Once you've raised your children, it's a very rare person who would choose to go back to the baby days and do it all again. Most parents will say that having kids was one of the best decisions of their lives, that it was tough, that regardless of what happened to the relationship, they're glad they did it. And with all that being true, most will also say that there is no way they'd choose to go back and do the same again 20 years later.
It's not about how much he loves you. There is no amount of love that would make me choose to go back and do that again so much later on. Having kids now would mean that your partner will be tied to the UK, schools etc, term times, for at least another 16-18 years, not to mention the financial commitment. It's hard to really appreciate the extent of the commitment until you have had children.

I think you need to cut your ties with this man and find somebody new. Children may not work out for you, but unless you try you will always wonder. Men are replaceable, kids aren't. There are millions of men who could be your partner, but only YOU can have your own children.

Just saw your update. Brave, strong woman - well done 💐💐💐

If DH and I divorced today, and I met anyone else I absolutely, categorically would not have more kids. I'd leave the new partner if they couldn't handle that.

Well done OP. The possibility of you have children is now possible again.

I had a fertility test with Gripp btw. If you considering solo motherhood the podcast The Stork and I is fantastic and she offers courses on the subject.

@HousePlantLandlord yes it feels a relief in one way that I’ve re opened that door of possibilities but then I keep torturing myself thinking of him meeting someone else! It’s learning to train my brain we aren’t together anymore.

I’m in the opposite position - I had to choose to have children to continue life with my fiancé. I had never been bothered but he desperately wants them in his future. Before we got engaged we sat down and thrashed it all out and I decided that I loved him so much I could agree to children in our future. I hope I don’t regret it!

@imperialminty is there still some of that decision where you actually want that too? This is what I struggle with as lots of people say no it’s not due to him not loving me enough and in fairness I do think no matter who it is he won’t have anymore. But then there are people out there who can shift their mindset and go onto have more kids when they love their partner so much. I saw how upset he was when I left so I know he loves me but I also can’t help take it personally that maybe it just wasn’t enough. It’s such a hard situation from either side, and I hope it all works out for you.

Yes, this is what happened with DH and I.

Having kids when you don't want to is an enormous sacrifice. It's not always the wrong decision, but it's big.

It's definitely possible for him to love you a lot and still make that rational choice.

DS2 has just split up with a dp that he was crazy about and got on so well with, he was convinced she was the one.
However she was adament that she did not want dc's (after saying she might) he is absolutely gutted and looks so miserable, I can really feel for you OP

@HazelBite Sorry to hear that, I feel his pain! It’s so so so hard when you love someone but I keep telling myself this pain won’t last forever. But regret at not giving myself a chance to have a child would last a lifetime. Have they kept in contact?

Well done OP you have 1million per cent done the right thing.

Good luck with your future

@Forestgate thank you!