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Original poster

Would you give up having kids for a partner?

240 replies

Hidehiho · 31/05/2022 21:11

My BF has 2 grown up kids. Doesn’t want anymore. I have none. He doesn’t want to split up but obviously would rather split up than have another child. What would you do? Does this mean he doesn’t love me enough?

OP posts:
Original poster
Hidehiho · 31/05/2022 21:45

@Happinessinred I think the desire has got stronger when I have got older. I don’t think I could stay with him without having that resentment. Like I say, if we both didn’t have kids it might be different. But watching him with his kids and then when grandkids come along,,,,,I can’t imagine how I would not feel a little resentful at that?

OP posts:
Starseeking · 31/05/2022 21:45

If you stayed with him and he's adamant, he could leave you in 5/10 years anyway and you STILL WILL HAVE NO BABY. Do what is right for you.

sunshineandshowers40 · 31/05/2022 21:47

I would say you are not compatible. He has been honest and you need to decide if you want the chance to have kids. How old are you?

gianaInfertilitySucks · 31/05/2022 21:48

No simply no. But this is because I really want children and I am prepared to have children on my own if needed.

HousePlantLandlord · 31/05/2022 21:48

Hidehiho · 31/05/2022 21:42

@HousePlantLandlord did you remain friendly with the guy who didn’t want kids? And how long did you give yourself before meeting someone new? I would need to give myself time to get over him and I don’t know how long that may take 😞

Initially, no. We parted ways and didn’t really speak properly for well over a year. We’re now very good friends and both like each other’s new partners. I never thought breaking up would prompt him
to suddenly want children with me. I think that acceptance is vital
bit tough. It’s like grieving,

We broke up when I was 33 and I met my current partner at 36. I dated in that time but I wasn’t ready to meet The One. I didn’t know that at the time. I started looking at solo parenthood and a month after deciding to go down that path I randomly met my OH. He wanted children and it’s been super easy & grown up.

onelittlefrog · 31/05/2022 21:49

Hidehiho · 31/05/2022 21:32

I said to him imagine his life now without his two. That’s what he’s asking of me. I think if we both didn’t have any kids it would be a bit different as I wouldn’t resent him having something he was denying me. I know it’s over essentially but It’s the whole trying to meet someone again, and someone who wants kids. Also trying to meet someone else when I still love someone else. 😞

You are complaining about what he's asking of you, but what about what you're asking of him? 18 more years of child rearing when he's already got two children.

Both of you are asking too much of the other - neither of you are wrong - you're just not compatible.

There are many things in relationships that you can compromise on. But this is not one of them.

Original poster
Hidehiho · 31/05/2022 21:49

I’m 36 so realise I need to make my decision quick! That’s my thought @Starseeking there is absolutely no guarantee we would be together in 10 years time.

OP posts:
Oblomov22 · 31/05/2022 21:52

You are not compatible. He is at a different stage in life. If he loved you enough, he'd want to give you what you want. LTB asap.

Twinkle1989 · 31/05/2022 21:52

The desire for a child will only get stronger - I'm talking from experience. It became all consuming.
I was in a similar situation but thankfully worked out. However I had been clear in my mind that I would have left.
Do not give up on the opportunity to be a mother if this is why you want.

Vallmo47 · 31/05/2022 21:53

No way. But I also wouldn’t resent him for his honesty. Similarly he cannot resent you for wanting to experience it. Like a pp stated, you should not have kids with someone who is adamant they don’t want them - unless you are fully prepared to be a single parent and ask for zero financial support.

There are many others out there who want a family and have the same dreams as you. Good luck :)

Original poster
Hidehiho · 31/05/2022 21:54

@HousePlantLandlord Thats nice to hear you met your one. X

OP posts:
Oblomov22 · 31/05/2022 21:54

36
FFS You need to get a move on.

AskingforaBaskin · 31/05/2022 21:54

No I wouldn't.
But right now there is nothing on earth that could make me have another child.

Why do you think its OK to try and force him to suffer like that?

Supersimkin2 · 31/05/2022 21:56

No. Children are for life, men not so much.

Kleptronic · 31/05/2022 22:00

I'm on the other side of this. My partner has no children, I have one. We went through 3 rounds of IVF but it didn't work. We are still together. So we did try, perhaps that makes a difference.

AliasGrape · 31/05/2022 22:01

No.

I walked away from someone because they didn’t want children (though it was early days for us).

I asked my now husband on our second date if he wanted children within the next couple of years, because it was a dealbreaker for me and I didn’t want to waste each other’s time. Luckily I managed not to scare him off! I’d have walked away from him too if his answer had been different. By that point I was set on going it alone and meeting DH actually put things back for me.

I was 35 then, waited a year to be sure we were going to work out, then started ttc.
it took 4 years and clomid, next was going to be IVF. I’m very glad we didn’t wait any longer.

I wouldn’t have given up my chance of children (single child in my case) for anyone.

Sittingonabench · 31/05/2022 22:03

There’s no right or wrong here. He absolutely shouldn’t have more kids if he doesn’t want them and if he did it would likely be the end of the relationship as he would resent you and you would resent him as he would likely expect you to do the heavy lifting as you wanted that lifestyle. If you stay together then you need to let go of the resentment and be enough for yourself. If being a mother is something you really want then that may not be possible but given your age it might be good to have some contingency plans, especially if you want grieving time and time to build a relationship - time passes quicker than you think. Good luck whatever you decide

AliasGrape · 31/05/2022 22:05

Kleptronic · 31/05/2022 22:00

I'm on the other side of this. My partner has no children, I have one. We went through 3 rounds of IVF but it didn't work. We are still together. So we did try, perhaps that makes a difference.

It would have made the difference for me. We were under the fertility clinic and had it not worked out, I’d have been very sad of course, but still very glad to have my lovely DH. But I couldn’t have lived with not trying.

mobear · 31/05/2022 22:08

I was in this exact same situation, same age, DP also had two children. I had some health issues I thought would prevent me from getting pregnant which I wanted to sort out first and then I thought I’d give him an ultimatum if I still felt I wanted a child, although I had somewhat come to terms with not having a child, thinking of all the freedom and money I’d have instead to pursue my interests and travel. In any event, I never got that far as much to my surprise I fell pregnant. I can’t imagine not having my son now, but also think my life isn’t necessarily better for having had him, just different. That’s not to say I don’t love him very much. It’s an extremely difficult and personal decision and I hope you find what’s right for you 💕

tillyandmilly · 31/05/2022 22:09

I gave up having children to be with my now husband - he didn’t want any - although I wasn’t really that maternal - so it was not a big deal to me then - there is a slight bit of sadness now that I don’t have any children - but too late for me now - however my husband is my soulmate and I would not have chosen children over him

Original poster
Hidehiho · 31/05/2022 22:11

@Kleptronic sorry to hear that. But yes that absolutely is the difference,,,,, If we tried and it didn’t happen I would stay with him, I wouldn’t leave him and try with someone else. I could handle that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hidehiho · 31/05/2022 22:15

@tillyandmilly I’m glad you stayed together. I also think in your situation it wouldn’t be as much of a bitter pill to swallow. If we both had no kids then we are on an level playing field so to speak.

OP posts:
LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 31/05/2022 22:16

It wouldn't have been a question for me, I've always wanted children, would have had them on my own if I'd never met anyone to have them with. Not wanting children was always a deal breaker for me. Whereas a friend who really wanted children too, wouldn't have had them on her own. It's a very personal choice. She met someone at 36, had 2 children before her 40th birthday. If you know you'll end up p resenting him because you'll never even have a chance to try then that relationships not going to work for either of you.

Original poster
Hidehiho · 31/05/2022 22:20

Thank you everyone for your insights. It’s good to hear different views. Also, there’s a couple of comments about me forcing him to have one, that’s not what this thread is about. It’s about me airing my feelings and the question is about me giving up kids for him. Not how do I force him to have one for me.

OP posts:
dreamyunicorn · 31/05/2022 22:23

I agree with lots of others, he's not the one for you.

Finish now before it's much later down the line. Even if you now come to terms with this and agree not to have kids, chances are it'll come up in the future you do - he will be adamant no just like he made clear from the start.
He could change his mind but it's a big gamble- also to say no rather than maybe or, I don't know/ we'll see etc is more likely to stay a no.

If you stayed together with no kids it likely wouldn't last and the resent from you would always be there.

Move on and be glad you know now, not 2 years down the line.